I'm Tired of Being Alone...

Time goes by so fast. Your kids will be 18 and on their own before you know it and then you and hubby rekindle what you had BEFORE the children stepped into the picture. You will be travelling with him and it will be SO FUN!
My husband and I had a blast acting 21 again ourselves from 1999 to about 2008 when we finally decided we were getting too old to party like rockstars anymore :) (well we didnt party that hard, but we do like to dance and we like to hit different saloons with classic rock or country bands and really cut a rug).
When I had my kids at home, I worked, Dad worked, we took turns with school functions, band, wrestling meets, baseball games, etc. It was madness. I always felt like I had no time to myself back then. Your world is a blur for awhile... but trust me there is light at the end of the tunnel and it will be here sooner than you know.
Your husband is probably going to have a pretty FAT retirement for you guys and you will look back at this somewhat torturous part of your marriage and realize how worth it it all was. Sipping an umbrella drink in Tahiti or something.... LOOK forward, dont let the present get you down, it's very fleeting :)
In the meantime just keep answering questions here, you are great at it!!

8 moms found this helpful

I felt very alone after my daughter was born. I am moved by your post because I really empathize with the feeling of aloneness/loneness - especially as a parent.

I hear you expressing a need for a stable and supportive community; one that you can also give back to. What a valid and sane need for a Mother to have!

I commend you for your clarity and self awareness. I have no doubt that you will fulfill these needs. For your sake, I hope it's sooner than later. It seems very reasonable to not wish to move again and I hope that, logistically, you can stay put.

For now, know that you are not alone in your feelings. They are real and valid. Many of us can relate. And some have reached the other side (most of the time).

Good luck.

ETA When I married my husband, I realized his and my limitations/flaws/incongruousies. I made a commitment to him, myself and our relationship knowing I would and could not get all of my needs met by him all of the time. In order to remain a content, in our relationship and in myself, I must utilize other tools and friendships. I feel pretty darn good, as far as my interpersonal relationships go, these days. But, as you said and desire, it took having friends. I really lean on my (mostly) female friends - and vis versa. They are like sisters to me.

To *me*, it is nuts that we are "supposed" to raise our babies isolated from each other and our extended family. We are "supposed" to stay at home (or work as well) while hubby goes to work, satisfied with an hour of adult interaction. We cook alone, clean alone, raise our babies alone and often (at least in my case) feel guilty asking for help. In *my* mind, we are social beings. For myself, I need and love time with my surrounding "village". I love it for my kids as well.

So, again, I commend your words. I think it's a very, very, valid request/desire.

8 moms found this helpful

Gotta tell ya, M., I've been reading your responses for quite sometime now, and I'd like to say you are one of the sanest (word?), most generous, insightful, perceptive, eloquent (I could go on and on) Moms on this sight.
I appreciate your vent as well (My ex husband traveled, and my guy travels, often home only weekends), still, I think you got it goin' on and will work through it all in your own intelligent way, feel silly making suggestions to YOU what YOU should do, since YOUR suggestions on what WE should do are always RIGHT ON!

Anyway, WE'RE glad to have you, even if HE behaves like he's not. And you ALREADY KNOW what you need to do.

Have a great day!
(Later you should have a glass of wine and PM me, and a hundred of us!)

:)

6 moms found this helpful

Feel free to PM me...I truly know the feeling. My husband is deployed and before that was in intense schooling for 2 years involving a lot of travel and late nights at the library, which left me as a mom to 2, and a wife to laundry and meals...that was about it. Now, I don't have to worry about his laundry and meals, but I sure do miss him and having a companion that I kind of remember having WAY back when. I was thinking the other day that I feel like a "subsidized" (supported by his salary) single mom...and wondered how they do it every day of every year alone...and then it hit me...single moms get to go on dates and have their work and life outside their kids...many single moms I know live near extended family. With Dh's military job, that isn't an option. Since we do not live near a post or base (he's in a different kind of active duty position) we do move frequently, but don't have the Army-life support so-to-speak. There is a light at the end of my tunnel (retirement in less than 10 years!) so I feel I can drive on thru.
You're not alone and I don't have answers, but wanted to let you know your post hit home. I am going to try out a MOPS group this week...maybe see if you can find one in your area?
Hope you find your peace and happiness.

6 moms found this helpful

Since I myself left a situation where I felt alone many years ago and with tiny children ( have since remarried and happy I did-not recommending you do that) and you do not want to do that-I do want to say and I quote you 'I am alone with kids too much' Soooo, perhaps you can help your body pain/lack of energy by not focusing on the loneliness but on getting yourself involved with fun things -dance, dance, exercise, studying flowers, you know doing other things that are not 'alone with kids too much'. Get back to you. Get babysitters.Try to remember what you did when you were alone with just you. We are all really just alone with ourselves anyway most of the time. But feeling resentful, depressed and alone because our partner isn't helping can exacerbate the rest of our pain. I really do not feel sorry for HIM or his new job, he sounds (sorry I know you love him) he sounds rather selfish. He somehow has you convinced that you have everything you need, but he forgot the most important part-you need warm fuzzies. So in the meantime, enjoy yourself even if it means you temporarily don't have some real close friendship with someone you will with yourself. And seriously, one of the moms wrote about B12. I also want to add about the lack of energy at night. I too had none for a very long time and some of it was the way I ate. It really is true that if you step up the leafy green veggies, etc. you are going to feel pretty darn good. Good luck. Keep writing and vent. So many of us have been through that and dealt with it in all different ways. One of these ideas is bound to help you out.

6 moms found this helpful

YEAH!!! You had your break down ... we all need to have our breakdown. I moved to Chicago with my guy of 6yrs because it is a better place for our son, we have his family, his friends, his job ... hmmm he has a lot up here don't cha think? Well, so about 5months in with still no real girlfriends here, and no activity that was for me to do, and being a SAHM to a special needs preschooler I finally had my breakdown. I got upset, MAD!!!, and then I called my sister talked it over and a few days later I moved on. It is OK to feel this way infact it is GREAT, chances are you are closer than you think to being able to move forward with it all and envoke changes. The changes you envoke are up to you but here are some of what I made:
1. Joined the township chior
2. sarted calling and tetxting the wives/fiancees of his friends
3. posted on here more
4. took more ME time
5. stopped stressing on what I did not have and welcomed good things to come.
6. started taking vitamin B12 daily

I know it seems cheesey but really when you do stop focusing on the negative it leaves room for the positive to come around and to come around by the tons! So, take your time in getting over this moment but not too much, let him know how you feel but that it is not due to his choice but BOTH of your choices. If you have little ones may I suggest envoking the rule of when you feel down and out, when it is overwhelming to allow it to be as such for 5 min (set a timer) and do what you need to get it out (not where litte ones can see) then be done and move on. You are allowed to feel emotions but when the little ones feel/see them sometimes you are not happy about thier reaction. This too shall pass.

5 moms found this helpful

First of all, I don't think you're nuts at all!
People are different. I happen to LOVE being alone. Love, LOVE it. But that's me.
Would your husband consider marriage counseling? Could you go alone? That might really help.
One other thought. You do and give so much to your family, but what do you do for YOU? Do you have interests, hobbies, book club, etc? When I start to feel like "is that all there is" it's a sure sign that I need to put myself BACK ON THE LIST of important things to care for. I think women are so giving and nurturing of everyone else, that we neglect ourselves a lot of the time. Just a thought.
Next time he calls, hijack the conversation and go on about YOUR life for once.
Hang in there!

5 moms found this helpful

awww, M., I am so sorry you are going through this hard time!!! You are such a great lady and help so many people on this board, I am glad you felt comfortable to open your heart some as well! I will be praying for you, what you are talking about is hard, really hard. I wish I had something really wise to say to you but I don't. But I so want to commend you for staying bc I think you are so right on that point and I am just going to pray that the love and fire that started your relationship will be rekindled again. Hang in there!!!
Oh I just saw what Amy D said about joining a MOPS group, I know you are kind of burned out on making friends at the moment, but wow the group I joined is a God send! I just go, visit and then leave and I get so much out of it. So I majorly second that advice!!

4 moms found this helpful

Dont have any better advice then you have already received, but wanted to give you a hug! {{{{{}}}}}

I recently had to decide that I am important enough and that I matter! My husband is having a rough time with a new job that he hates and his father is dying with lung cancer. I don't want to add to his stress, but I have felt neglected so I decided who better to take care of me than ME!. Tax return is coming and it's MINE! ALL MINE! ( if I let him buy a 74 Nova last year he said I could have the next three returns- between $4000 and $5000 each!) Anyway, I am going to buy myself clothes, shoes, a few things I have been wanting and I'm going to take some classes. Cake decorating, jewelry making, etc. They are offered at a local hobby and craft store. I am going to get back into crochet and ... well, I'm sure you get the idea!
I matter, you matter, all of us matter and should do things that make us happy and fulfilled.
Of course I will be spending on my little girls too! They get a swingset!

4 moms found this helpful

My husband works out of town a lot. He almost didn't make it home when I was in labor with our baby. I am also a SAHM and my husband is also exhausted on the weekends. We do nothing together. I feel like a single mom with a huge child support check! I do everything and never get a break from my wild kids. I don't have any real advice for you I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings. My husband thinks I have it made in the shade sitting on the floor playing with a baby all day....Some men just don't get it. We have never moved but I bet that makes your life more isolating than mine. Maybe you could join a church that has a childrens ministry during the week and take your kids. I don't know what your beliefs are so I hope that suggestion doesn't offend you. My boys love going on Wednesday evening and Sunday morning. I have made some nice friends and so have my kids. Talk to your husband and tell him how you feel he may not realize he is being selfish he probably thinks he is doing what is best for his family when it's hurting you. Good luck and God bless!

4 moms found this helpful

I would have said the same thing... if you take a job elsewhere - expect to move alone and come home to his family on the weekends off. He is being worse than inconsiderate to his wife and children about always moving.

I can imagine how hard it is for you, and I'm sure I'd feel resentment too. I hope you are able to go to a therapist once a week to talk and vent out your feelings - and have it be a productive venting.

4 moms found this helpful

18 years! I'd be lonely too! Everything you feel, especially the resentment is valid and appropriate.
Can you imagine how your kids feel with all the moving, constantly having to make new friends, a mostly absent dad and two parents that hardly connect?
From the information you've given; I think you've put alot of thought into what you want to do. Stick with it. Stay put! Invest in yourself! You deserve to be happy! Loneliness is curable;)

4 moms found this helpful

no advice here, hon.
just a {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}
khairete
S.

3 moms found this helpful

Well, first off -as to why you're feeling this way now -sometimes it takes a long time for feelings to build up in us. I'm especially "bad" about this, but often when we're caught up in child-rearing and it's an earlier stage in one of our careers, we just seem to have more "oomph" to put into it all. I don't know how old you are, but if you're knocking around 40 or into your 40s, I think people REALLY start to question where they are then. I'm 41, and everything in my life suddenly seems "weightier" -my marriage, my job and future career paths, my relationship with my children -everything! This is why some have a mid-life crisis. You don't have to go that route, but I think you're very normal, especially with a husband who is gone frequently and not contributing a lot to the family -other than financially.

So -how to fix it? The next time he comes home, you have to sit down and have a real heart-to-heart. Of course he's going to bring up his career and you knowing what it entails and yada yada, but he has to realize that things change in everyone's life. What was okay 10 years ago just may not be cutting it now. Again, I don't know his particular situation, but is there any way he could cut back on the travel aspect of his career? Remind him that he isn't only missing out on a full-time relationship with you, but that your children are only going to be small for the blink of an eye! If he's only seeing them a few times per week, he may (and probably will) regret it when they're grown. Tell him he may not even have much of a relationship with them when they're grown. That happens a lot with kids who never really become incredibly close with a parent.

For you, alone in a new place, I understand not wanting to start new friendships when you feel that you're just going to be leaving again. Maybe you could seek out some social "get me out of the house" stuff that you're interested in -volunteering for charities or groups you like, exercise classes of some sort, taking up a new hobby or even auditing classes at a local college in subject areas that interest you. At least that would fill some time with something interesting AND get you out of the house for some "me" time. I do commend you for telling him you aren't moving any more. Go ahead and make friends and stick to it!

He has to realize how much the moving affects you and the children. I know plenty of people grow up as "military brats" and that sort of thing, but it doesn't mean it's optimum! Your kids deserve to stay in one place with their friends and their school, and you do too. I'm not saying your husband is selfish as a person, because I don't know him, but often people get caught up in things and they don't realize how selfish they're being! Because he's supplying the money and keeping his family "taken care of" he probably (even subconsciously) uses that as an "out" against feeling guilty or bad about moving you all around a bunch and not being there all the time. And of course all of these things feed into the lack of sexual desire. From the voice of experience I can tell you -nothing kills a sex drive quite like being exhausted, feeling in a rut with your kids and feeling like your partner isn't there for you or contributing to your family. It's great to look at a hot man, but what REALLY gets a woman's sexual motor going is a man who is considerate of her feelings, who helps out with home and family and who is truly invested in the family they have created together. The simmering anger we have over the men who aren't really holding up their end of the bargain (and just making the money is NOT doing that) is a relationship killer.

So -have a REALLY serious and deep conversation with him this weekend. The answers may not be immediately apparent, but he needs to know just how over it all you really are, and he NEEDS to start making some motions to help fix some of this. Tell him point blank that you need some caring and intimacy, and that you DO have a life that he should be interested in hearing about! Also -he may be tired on the weekends, but so are you. You both need to commit to finding something exciting and interesting to do on a Saturday night. Find a good sitter or two and start going out together once in awhile. It will really help in the intimacy area! Good luck with everything! (and of course you can always PM me too! I have truly felt this past year that I was the woman "on the edge of a nervous breakdown")

3 moms found this helpful

Hi,

I am so glad that you wrote this post! First, you are not alone. Just think of it, millions of other moms in the same position-just not bold enough to say so. But you did~:) I understand your lonliness and wanting husband to be a part of life's daily activities. My suggestion is to find something, anything that you and hubby like to do and schedule that activity to do together by yourselves on the weekend. have the kids with a neighbor, friend, church family member etc. 1 hour of pure enjoyment with eachother. In a few months you will look back and see just how far you have come. Marriage takes work and you have to work it for it to work for you--- put some time and energy into working on your relationship and your rewards will be amazing!~Ask for what you need,tell him that you need this from him and you need HIM to plan out what you two will do AND make the arrangements. Its not that difficult for him to pick up the slack in this area and have some date time with you. Also, can you send your children to a friends house for a few hours a week? Every parent needs an hour or two a week to get recharged. Figure out a way for you do to this. Best wishes and you are not alone!

M

3 moms found this helpful

Hi Mum
I have never been in this position so I am not going to patronise you with advise.
I just wanted to say that your post moved me and I hope you can have some happiness in life.
Wishing you all the best,
Take care of yourself,
B.

3 moms found this helpful

No, you are not alone. I have been there done that and got the tee shirt(s). My hubby was active duty now retired and we moved around and across the pond and back.

It did help that I worked part of the time to keep my personal identity. What got me were the time when I didn't work and was away from family and friends. I soon joined the spouses groups and craft groups to fill in time. My sewing became my sanity and something I could do that was mine.

To move fast forward after retirement I became a trucker's "widow" and that lasted another 18 years. It took him getting seriously ill and dying and coming back to realize what he had that he almost lost. Now he is doing his best to make up for all of the wrongs that he had done to the family. As he says "it was the other guy" and he didn't like the other guy and feels very ashamed of his actions. Life has become like we dream when we are first married with a carrying husband that likes to do silly things that are enjoyed by both including our weekly breakfast at IHOP. Had I not stayed around through all of the health issues I would not have met this new person in my life and had a positive experience with a spouse.

A long time ago I said to God I wish he would .... now he does these things. As they say God works in his own way.

Hang in there and keep us close we are just key strokes away.

The other S.

2 moms found this helpful

Sweetie, you remind me of what women in Japan go through in their marriages to Japanese men. Those "salarymen" work God-awful hours, and basically are absent from their marriage and their families. Finally the government asked companies not to work their people on the weekends so that men would spend time with their families - the birthrate in Japan has dropped so much that the government wants people to have babies. But these women have learned to live their lives WITHOUT these men.

Japan has such poor laws protecting women, but one law did make it through to help them, giving them HALF their husband's retirement if they get divorced. As soon as that law passed, women started divorcing their husbands in droves. These men retired, came home, and then the wife had to cater to them hand and foot because these men didn't even know how to take out the trash. Considering there is not much love in the mix since they never saw each other, the women were happy to say goodbye since they didn't need these men anyway.

I urge you to start providing for yourself - a single bank account, a personal credit card, etc. Have a listing of all your husband's corporate benefits, taxes, etc. He isn't invested in his marriage - you are his secretary and his mother. Either one of you will end up walking away, and you'll need to make sure you are able to make ends meet. Start planning now. If you two end up working things out, then great, but take care of yourself, just in case.

I don't blame you for refusing to move again. Stand up for yourself, because he doesn't have to go through what you do.

D.

2 moms found this helpful

It might be that you are a bit tired of being a parent and are getting to the age where a mid life crisis is typical. With little ones, you are in it till they have flown the nest but what you might need is a hobby that is just for you (or maybe a career).
I think a lot of marriages are a lot like what you describe, but marriage seldom means husband and wife are joined at the hip. You can be married and still be your own person. What will things be like once the kids are grown? Will your husband still be working? When will he retire? Will he ever retire? This waiting for someone/anyone to come 'take you away from all this' is a lot of fairy tale nonsense. Figure out what you want to do, then go out and do it. If you are tired of who you are - it's time to re-invent yourself.

2 moms found this helpful

I hear ya! and I can see that in myself in a few more years.

For me I have started saving for we can all go on a cruise. I figure if we go on one that has programs for the kids where we can drop them off for a couple of hours. We would have plenty of time to work on us. I did have to laid down the law on that and just tell my husband the summer or fall of ....know that we are going. No discussion.

We also had always talked about going to Vegas and getting married by Elvis. He assumed that kind of vacation was without kids so I had a lot of guilt to overcome about leaving the kids behind. But in a couple of months his parents are coming to care for them for a 3 days while we go off and be adults. I am kinda looking forward to it. I never had help with the kids as babies so I know I have lost who I was before kids. I think it will be really neat to relax for the first time in 7 years. lol

You are a mom first and always! So everything else will come in second. It is hard I know but you must insist your husband gives you and family togetherness time. Start out slow and try to work in one day a month. If he is feeling really tired on the weekends then sounds like he is in a rut as well. Something different usually helps us.
My husband might be hesitate about spending a Saturday afternoon doing something really different but it does help all of our attitudes for the next week.

Hang in there!
Hugs!!

2 moms found this helpful

Dear mom, join a weekly moms support group. They are all over town. They may meet at someone's house, a coffee shop, etc. Support groups make all of the difference.

2 moms found this helpful

I've been where you are, though only once. My DH moved out here to Phoenix when I was 7 months pregnant with my third child. We had such a bad marriage at the time, I seriously considered not coming. I spent 6 months on my own, finishing the school year, having the baby, and selling the house. Ultimately I came for my kids. It was the best thing that ever happened for our family in the long run. But those months were awful, I can't imagine it compounded by so many years. I do want to say, that I decided my husband wasn't cruel, just clueless. When we went on a Marriage Encounter weekend (at my suggestion of course), we practiced communication and I was able to share how abandoned I felt and frustrated by our lack of real relationship. It took time and work, but things have really changed, and I think a lot of it helped just by me telling him exactly what I needed instead of being mad at him for not knowing. I started asking for specific things around the house and made them his responsibility as a parent/partner instead of acting like he was doing me a favor. It's not magic, and it may not work for every situation, but I know it helped mine.

I want to reaffirm you're not alone. Even as blessed as I am, I get exhausted and lonely as a SAHM to four kids. It's a hard job - that's why websites like these are so successful - we know what it's like and how much we need each other.

1 mom found this helpful

Clearly part or all of your comments have hit home for many. It is quite common and we all go through our ruts. My heart and prayers go out to you. Some really good advice. Here's what I would add: it's nice to do things for yourself and although those things will temporarily make you feel good, they cannot replace what your missing: intimacy, a relationship with your husband, etc. First, get a break from the kids someway, somehow so you can have real you time (I do this once a week for at least 2 hours). Second, go on a date night once a week or when your husband is in town. As much as we put this off, it is essential for maintaining a healthy marriage amidst all the demands from the kids. Even a weekend by yourselves at a local hotel everyone once in a while is a great refresher. If you love your husband, you want to work on your relationship so it can still be there when your kids grow up and leave. All the best to you (((()))))