Im Pregnant and Im Stressed Out Because of My Babys Father/fiance

Run as fast as you can. He's only 19. He is going to get VERY used to you paying for everything and doing everything. It sounds like he is too young to be in a committed relationship taking care of a spouse and baby. You are not expecting too much of him but I doubt he's going to change. Good luck.

No, you are not expecting too much but you may be expecting more than what he is willing or able to give. Although he is young, he is not too young to work his but off to make thing easier for you and to prepare financially for the baby. It concerns me greatly that he seems to be content "taking it easy" and allowing you to pay his bills. Sorry but a real man does not take money from his girlfriend to pay monthly bills. Tell him he must step it up or it is over. You do not need 2 children to take care of.

In order to provide advice and answer this question, you need to supply the necessary important information. Is sounds like this is NOT a planned pregnancy by either of you. Either way, you are not expecting too much from him, you're not expecting enough. He's going to be a father. He needs to step up and support his child.

Great first question, but I'm feeling generous.
You say "we are pregnant", nope just YOU. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be. He's a kid, an irresponsible kid at that. And you are just a child yourself. He is showing his true colors. My advice 'Run for zee hills'.
If you're from GA go back there soon and get situated with friends and family.
People do what they are allowed to do and you are letting him off easy.

Oy. A 19 yr old is a boy. You are a woman with child. There are miles of differences in you both. He has little schooling, so he needs to work hard and often. Charm won't pay the bills. It will be a miracle if you are still together by the baby's birth. Life is stressful. Parenting is very stressful.

You are not expecting too much of him. You are expecting too little of him.
But getting him to be a stand up guy, well, if it's not in his character, it's not going to happen. Getting a girl pregnant doesnt take character. He hasn't shown any up till now.

Get a plan for yourself and this baby.

This IS how it's going to be when March comes around except there will be that extra little person needing 24/7 of your time. I would go back to Georgia where you have a support system. Let him "get his stuff together" without you footing the bill. You will have an actual child to look after. You don't need a grown-up one, too.

Please use double the birth control from now on.

First and foremost, do not marry this man. If you're having problems now, marriage is not going to solve them.

Once he has a steady job, then get premarital counseling. And THEN consider getting married. But not before then.

Honestly, I suggest getting your own place and paying for your own bills. This kid needs to man up and prove himself to be a provider. Right now, he's just another mooch.

This is in fact how it's going to be with him. You will have to decide if this is what you want. Personally I would expect more. Please consider moving back to GA and planning for you and your baby. You can do it on your own much easier than supporting him also.

Wait, HOW did this freeloader sweep you off your feet? Have you been in really crappy relationships before this? I can't imagine any other way you could be in love with this guy. The fact that you didn't mind at first, makes me wonder what you think you are worth.

Yeah, he's young. So are YOU, but you aren't acting like a waste of space. A baby won't change him. If it would, he'd be getting himself together the moment you found out.

Don't marry this guy, and do NOT provide his life for him. I hope you will decide that you and your child deserve better and build your own life without him. I can't tell you to do that, I can only hope.

I fell in love with someone 3 yrs younger than me.
We waited till he was 24 and I was 27 to get married and it was 9 yrs later when we had our son.
We grew up and got through college and getting our careers in place first.
Then we married and bought our first house 9 months later.
I was 36 when our son was born.
We traveled and had some fun before settling down to family life.

You are pretty much on your own with raising this child.
The stress is not going to get any easier.
It's not your job to raise your boyfriend and he'll resent you if you try.
Move back to Georgia where you have some family who might help you out.
It could be 10 or more years before your boyfriend grows up or he might never.
Stop paying his bills - you have a baby to save up for.
Ditch the dead weight (your boyfriend).
If you don't feel up to raising a child on your own you could give him/her up for adoption.

You are not expecting too much, but it is expecting too much of him. I do think the writing is on the wall-- this is what he expects and this is likely how you are going to continue.

Everyone who suggested moving back home and getting help from your family is pretty right on with that one. This guy isn't even good boyfriend material and seriously, what sort of example would he set as a father if you continued living this way? He'd just teach your children that it's fine to mooch off other people.

And the idea someone suggested of moving in together to save on expenses? oh, heavens, NO.

Yikes. I don't know you, or really much of your situation. But take it from a 40 year old woman who has been married for 17 years - if you are not carefree, problem free and happy NOW, marriage and a baby will wreck you. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is true. Whenever I read "I want to marry this guy but we have all these problems" I have to tell that person DO NOT marry this guy! Does that make sense? I met my husband at age 20, married at 23 and had our first child at 28. I am not kidding when I say up until we had the kid, we did not argue. Not once. So OK, maybe that's not the norm. Maybe there are little arguments here and there for most people early in a relationship. But in my experience, that's a serious red flag. If you're having issues with him now, trust me when I say it will not change. EVER. So if you're not happy with the situation the way it is, you need to get out now. I am so sorry to even have to be saying all this. If he cared about you HE would be the one working non-stop. You're paying the bills and he likes it that way. Get out while you can! Go back to Georgia if you have family there who can help you out. Much luck :)

Whether or not you're expecting too much of him really isn't the issue.

You can expect that this is how it's going to be in March. I don't know why you would expect anything to change between now and then.

I'm sure you don't want to hear this, but these are things you should have thought about before you got pregnant. You haven't even been together for a year, and here you are almost 3 months pregnant. It's almost like getting pregnant by a stranger because you really don't know each other as well as you might think you do.

If I were you, I would plan to raise your child alone. Your story sounds much like mine when I got pregnant, except I had been with my daughter's father for seven years so I KNEW that things were not going to change. I sat down and really thought it out - raising a baby alone - because I KNEW that that's what would happen. I decided that I wanted to do it, and never looked back. Her father never paid one dime of support; never provided anything for her, including never a christmas or birthday gift. I didn't bug him; I knew that that was what we (she and I) were in for and I stepped up to the plate and raised her as a single mother.

You need to wrap your head around the fact that you also will probably raise your child alone. Don't expect anything - you can't be disappointed that way.

I say wash your hands of this guy, at least until he has something to offer you and the baby and right now, he has nothing to offer.

He's not a "fiance" he's a child, and a freeloader.
A grown up man works, he has a home, he takes care of his business and he certainly doesn't let a woman support him unless there is a good, solid reason, like he's sick or injured, or he is taking care of the children and home while you work.
It's going to be hard enough supporting yourself and your child, you don't need to support another semi-adult as well.
Go home and be with your family and friends, you're going to need all the support you can get.

omg. I say you need to move back with family, save money and support your baby. you can't support 2 babies!

I think it's a rare 19 year old boy who will step up and do all that is needed in this day and age. It's one thing if he just didn't have a great career that could support you guys. That could change with time. But "taking it easy"? That's a sign he's lazy and that likely won't change. You sure you want to go down this road for the rest of your life? You are also very young. You do have other options.

You're not expecting too much out of an adult relationship, but you're expecting too much from him. You're supporting him and enabling his young, irresponsible behavior. Why would he want to change that? It's not going to change when you have the baby other than you'll probably resent him more. Set money aside because your responsibilities have to shift to you and the baby, not bailing him out. It's not all about him and can't be.

J.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

So you fell in love with a boy. You are now taking the role of his mother and taking care of him!! OH JOY!!!

Guess you should have used protection, eh? Maybe gotten to know him better before you slept with him?

He's still a TEENAGER - what were you expecting? Him to grow up over night? Nope, sorry not happening!!

Guess you need to kick him to the curb.
keep your legs closed and learn how to do raise this baby on your own.

YOU are making the decision to pay for things...
YOU are making the decision to bail him out. Have you tried saying NO?
Have you tried sitting down with him and SHOWING him how to budget?

So my advice to you? Have him sign off parental rights - so you won't be sitting around waiting on child support that will never come and take care of yourself.

it's OKAY to say NO!!! Try it!! It's liberating!!! Tell him to "man-up" even though he's a teenager....but really? I think you are expecting too much!

Good luck!

I married my first husband young too. We share 2 kids together and I spent nearly 7 years of being unhappy. We went into our marriage with all kinds of problems, tried to ignore them, but they don't go away. It may be the hardest thing you've ever had to do, but you need to really reconsider marrying this guy. You will lead a very unhappy, unhealthy life while he "takes it easy". You and your baby deserve better! I really wish you the best.

Yes, you're expecting too much out of him. It's not too much to ask him to step up and be a father, but it's too much to expect him to want to be a father and a husband and take on adult responsibility when he's really just a child. If you were to get married tomorrow he couldn't even toast with champagne at his own wedding. Think about that.

He's just out of high school, so why would you expect him to keep "a good job?" He doesn't have the experience for "a good job" nor does he have the education for one. Because he's a man-child. He's legally an adult but he's a child. A teenager. You're stuck paying for everything because you HAVE a presumably good paying job or you're in college and working and are getting ready for the next stage of life. He's no where near that point.

My advice? Stop paying for things for him. Keep your finances separate. Save up your money for yourself and the baby. Line up a lawyer now because you're going to need one in order to officially file for child support and shared custody or a visitation schedule. You need to do this EVEN IF you still plan to marry him.

My next piece of advice? Couples counseling.

You are expecting too much if you are hoping that the baby and/or marriage will change who he is. If you aren't happy with the person he is right now, then become un-engaged, live in your own apartment, and prepare to take care of this baby by yourself - because I think that is what is going to happen anyway. He can't take care of himself, how in the world would he take care of himself and a baby?

He needs to get his stuff together on his own (it's the only way he's going to grow up), and you need to focus your effort and funds on how you will support you and your baby.

I'm not saying you need to break up, just take a few steps back. If your relationship works out in the long term, great. But for the moment, it has to take the back seat to preparing your life for your baby.

Trust your gut. He's not ready to support you and the baby, and may never be. As hard as it may be listen to your gut, trust your instincts and go to a place you and your baby will be safe and well cared for. If it helps, maybe you can find someone to talk to about options and work through all the feelings you have around the situation (a counselor). Best of luck to you.

It's too bad you allowed yourself to get pregnant by someone who is not ready to step up.

Yes, you are expecting too much from him. He was proving what he is worth for the last 10 months. Why you took this to the next level is beyond me and unfortunate for all three of you.

Figure out what YOU are going to do to raise your baby on your own. Hopefully, eventually, he will get this stuff together and be a part of the baby's life. Until then you will need to put in order a child support plan as well as if he will have visitation etc. So, you should figure out where you are going to live and then get in touch with a lawyer.

I'm not going to harp on the age thing because I was 19 when I got pregnant with my first baby. My husband (then fiance) worked full-time (in the Navy), but then got out and had another job right away, then 3 months later had an even better job that got him on the path he is on now. I married an older man, but still...at 19 I knew what I had to do with a baby on the way.

I worked until the day I had my baby. I went in to labor on a Friday (which was a day off for me) and had her on Saturday. I worked that Thursday. I was a nanny which made it easy to work, but still...I did it.

You need to leave. Neither of you seem ready for this. He is going to hold you down and make life harder for you...UNLESS something wakes him up.

You ARE expecting too much from him, because he is a child - based on what you say. He is NOT ready for this and nothing you do is going to make him ready for it. Be prepared to do this on your own.

Oh, J., your fiance is a mere baby. I say that as the parent of two "adult" males.

He just finished high school. Next time, fall in love with someone older.

Good luck and enjoy your baby. You're going to be busy!

It's not that you're expecting things that he is incapable of doing. It's that he never gave you reason to expect those things, so your expectation is unreasonable. You are obviously expecting too much of yourself, because you thought that the perfect addition to this thing that you two were fumbling around in was a baby. I know that I sound mean, but this is what I would say and have said to young girls I've mentored. Why are you pregnant? And why are you trying to blame him for not being perfectly situated for parenthood, when you had the option to wait and not make him father to your child? That makes YOU not ready for parenthood. Your stress is not his fault. Your stress is because you did not exercise good sense and avoid pregnancy with someone who should not be a parent right now, and now you want to shine a negative light onto his character. Guess what that says about you, that you paid all his bills and moved away from home and never got anything from it but sex and maybe a chuckle or two, and you thought that the timing was just right for a baby.

The first step in not being stressed is to realize that he did not do this to you. Realize that you made a mistake. You were a willing participant in getting your life to this place, and you have the power to make changes to your situation. As you know, you have three options: (1) Terminate the pregnancy and don't get pregnant again until you are ready and have good enough judgment to choose a father for your child based on healthy reasons. (2) Carry the pregnancy to term and let someone with better judgment adopt the baby. (3) Have a baby and be perpetually angry with him for not being who you want him to be when you knew ahead of time that he wasn't that guy, yet you want to force him to be that guy. You'll both live in resentment of each other and the child. If you decide to have a baby and can go home to your family, you should go home. Get a support system in place so you can stand on firmly planted feet and grow up. Then, have a baby and be a mother. Take classes, read books, talk to some grown-up women.

Are you expecting too much of him? Yes.

He may be young, but if he's old enough to get you pregnant then he's old enough to help support you and his child. Not to be harsh, but you had no problems with supporting this guy the last 10 months and you've (whether intentional or not) let yourself get pregnant by him? I don't see much of a chance he'll pull it together and get himself a decent job, but miracles do happen. Do you have supportive family back in Georgia? I would suggest staying on good terms with them, you are going to need some help and it doesn't sound like he's interested in supporting a family. Have a good talk with him about what he intends to do and then decide what's best for YOU. You're the one that is pregnant, and will be responsible for making the decisions. Good luck dear, I think you're going to need it.

My answer to you is very simple....you both are too young for all of this and the mere fact that this guy cannot seem to take this pregnancy seriously and get a job and stay employed is your first indication that this is going to be a very hard and tiresome road for you financially. Be prepared for the struggle of your life because I have a feeling that you will be raising a child on your own. I would like to be able to tell you that everything will be okay and this young man will eventually get his act together but I am not feeling it too much. I understand the head over heels in love part but where we're both of your heads when it came to the part of using contraception? What was the hot rush to have a baby at such a young age and especially with a guy who has no real direction in his life? It doesn't make sense to me. It just sounds like poor choices and now there is going to be hardship because of it. I commend you for working and supporting yourself but this guy is obviously not mature enough to know his responsibilities right now. Babies and medical care to have them is expensive. Child care alone is phenomenally expensive. How will you manage all this? How will this guy contribute? Are you able to financially manage this all by yourself? If you were my daughter...which you could be....I would start preparing you for the road you are about to take by yourself. I would not have the faith or the confidence in your fiancé at this time to feel like he will ever be able to grasp what is really happening here and step up. Look out for you and the precious baby you are now carrying. There are single moms out there busting butt every day and making it work so you need to be 100% ready to be one of those amazing and selfless women right now.

Yes, you are expecting too much out of him. He's a teenager. Not quite an adult yet. Just think about his mental development and that his brain is still growing.

He's young. In the next few years he's going to be an adult and ready to be a father. I suggest that you consider what your options can be. I am sure you can come up with more on your own too.

You can continue and help form him into a great guy that will be a wonderful father. I always say that my ex husbands wife now grew him up into a great guy...

You can come to terms with the idea that he might be perfect stay at home dad material. He might love being at home and taking care of this little one that's going to be joining your family. I have at least one friends who said she always knew that she was going to be the bread winner in her family when she grew up. She just knew it. That's what happened too. Her hubby is a mechanic and tinkers on cars every now and then. He makes his own spending money but she works for the state in a social worker job. She makes a good income and provides insurance for her family.

You can push him to go to school to learn a trade, like a business school or nursing school. He could go to a full university and get a degree. If he doesn't work then he'll be able to get financial aid as an adult if he claims your child on the form. He could even provide housing if you are renting by getting an on housing apartment. That would be paid for the whole semester before he got any money in cash. It's a pretty good way to live stress free. You wouldn't have to worry about making enough money to pay rent and utilities but only enough for food, car insurance, and any car payment. Extra stuff too but not a lot.

You could move and live on your own and when the baby is away at dad's visiting you could find some hobby's to do so that you could meet new people and start over. Living on your own can be a great experience.

I know there are many other options but you need change. Either you need to change what you expect from this teenager and make plans to accommodate his lifestyle or teach him better ways to do things. Or you need to get him in classes so he can make something of himself and be the grown up that works and brings home a decent salary. Or you can move out and share your child with him through visitation.

I have a hard time understanding how a guy who relies on you for money/bills, can't keep a job, and is just mooching off of you can sweep you off your feet? It's a tough situation, because what real incentive does he have to get himself together? He's still a young kid himself.

I think you're on your own here. If it were me, I'd dump the guy and start setting a foundation for yourself and your baby. Whether he's well-intentioned or not about supporting you two, you have to worry about yourself first. Don't stay together thinking he will change when the baby comes, or he will change when you get married. If it hasn't happened yet, it's not going to..and at 19, that might not be for a long time.

No, you're not expecting too much.
I assume you're living together?
Does he want a partner or a mommy?
I'm only interested in being a mommy to my son, not a grown man.
Here's the thing, if he wants to play, he's gotta pay.
2nd job, better job, side jobs...he can choose.
If he's an adult, you guys need to sit down and talk about a budget.
Decide who pays for what.
Good luck.

Oh--forgot to mention, you will now be tied to this man for 18+ years, but know this: men tend not to change when they get married or become fathers.
If your guy has good character, chances are he will step up and do what's right. Here's hoping!

Short answer: You are not asking too much of him but you are probably asking more than he can give.

Longer answer:
1) Does he have a high school diploma? If so, great. If not, he should commit to his GED immediately. Very hard to find jobs these days, even harder without education.
2) Take a hard look at why he can't keep a good job. Is he being laid off or is he quitting? If he is being laid off regularly, then he is probably a chronic bad employee. I run a business and I have had employees who come in with such a horrible work ethic that I have to ask them to move on. An employee who has to be micromanaged, who sits on his butt until someone directs him to do something, an employee who cuts corners due to low motivation or laziness is an employee that needs to go. If this is the situation, there may well be NO hope for him.
If he is quitting regularly, then then he is probably a prima donna who thinks that he shouldn't have to work his way up in a job or that somehow "the world owes him" an easy time of it. This might be curable if he matures enough and recognizes that the only one in this relationship who is owed an easy time of it right now is the baby.

You may have fallen head over heels, but that was just hormones speaking. Now you have to make some very difficult choices using the rational part of your brain. Set emotion aside the best you can and ask these questions:

1) Will it being easier or harder to support this child without boyfriend's help? (I say boyfriend because based on what you have told us, DO NOT marry him yet).
2) Will you be better off going back home and having the support of family and friends?
3) Is this the right time in your life to raise this baby? I'm not doubting your ability to do it. Women do amazing things everyday raising children well without good support. But it is still worth asking the question and whether adoption is something that makes sense or not.

do you guys live together? if not that could be an idea to make saving money easier.