60 hours per week. Give him a break and hire a mother's helper to give yourself a break. A middle schooler would love to come in a few hours here and there and do some chores to give you and your husband a break.
I will give you a little history about my husband before I proceed to bash him. He is currently working 10 hour shifts at night 6 days a week. So when he is home, he only has a few waking hours here.
I am 13 weeks pregnant with our 3rd baby and very ill. I am basically raising our kids by myself and trying to cope with being sick, needless to say, Im not doing a very good job and I need help. Whenever I ask my husband for any kind of help with the kids or the house, he refuses to do it and says he works all the time and shouldnt have to help.
This morning he wanted to go hunting and I told him he needed to be home to watch our son because I had to take our daughter to the doctor this morning becasuse she is very sick and my husband threw a fit when he had to wake up and help me, I understand hes tired from working, but if I hadnt put my foot down, he would have been awake hunting anyways. I know hes got a lot on his plate, but so do I and I feel like Im losing it and almost feel helpless. If I felt better, it wouldnt be too bad. I feel like my husband should be willing to help me during this time, instead I have to ask other people for help and thats embarrassing. He has no sympathy for my situation whatsoever. I dont know what to do....
60 hours per week. Give him a break and hire a mother's helper to give yourself a break. A middle schooler would love to come in a few hours here and there and do some chores to give you and your husband a break.
Emotions run high when you're pregnant and you have a sick child. So, you have a right to be bratty. But since you asked, I'm gonna call brat on this one. Just trying to give you some perspective. There is a very traditional division of duties in your house. You've agreed to it. I know you're overwhelmed. But having all the financial responsibility is overwhelming too. Does he insist you help with that? Or does he just soldier through and find a way to make it work - like working overtime so you can stay home. He does have a responsibility to you and his kids that goes beyond financial, but to insist that he do what you want, when you want, is kind of immasculating. To tell a grown man that he CAN"T go hunting is very immasculating. That's like him telling you that you CAN'T take a nap when the kids are sleeping because you need to help him pay bills. It's a negotiation. You need help. No doubt. But that's when the women in the family step up. Grammas, aunts, sisters, best friends. It's not embarassing to ask if gramma can keep your son so dad can go hunting. It should be a source of pride that you have a hard working man. I hate for you that he doesn't see your side. But demanding he help is not going to fix with that. You have to raise a man, just like you raise children. Help him see that fathering his children is a rewarding duty. Make him feel appreciated for working hard and ASK him for help with the kids. Calmly, sweetly, expain your perspective to him. Try to see things from each others point of view.
Nope-you are NOT being a brat. I totally agree with you. Sometimes in life we have to do a little more. You are going at 100% of your capacity all day every day....he is going at 75% of his and expects the other 25% to be his time to relax. When you have a young family this is NOT the case...each must give 100% . Is it hard-hell yah. But it is not going to always be this way. There will come a day when the kids are a little older, can help out, and are pretty self sufficient. Until that day comes you both have to put out and give it your all.
M., hire someone. When he pitches a fit, then tell him since he would rather hunt on his time off, he can pay for help. And have it come out of the joint account, not your earnings. He can't have his cake and eat it too. If he wants free care, he can start stepping up to the plate.
I think you have every right to feel fussy. I know your husband is working long crazy hours but what that means, in reality, is that you are working long crazy hours, too, so that you can do the job of two parents. Single parents do it all the time. I was one and wouldn't care to repeat it and have all the respect in the world for what they do. But you AREN'T a single parent. So, there are going to be times when you need his help that he SHOULD help, even if he doesn't want to.
You have my utter sympathy. You are exhausted because of the hormones, you are sick because of the hormones, everytime a small wind blows it feels like your boobs are going to fall off because of, you got it, the hormones. You need a little help right now and you didn't get yourself pregnant. I mean, how unfair would that be - he got lucky and only YOU got pregnant?
It's all about negotiation and presentation, M.. Tell him how much you love and appreciate him. Talk him up and make a point to list for him all of the things that you see that he does and how invaluable they are to you. Then tell him WHY you need his help and specific ways he can help you. Give him things he can count on in return from you. So many days hunting, or sleeping in or whatever his currency would be. Then see if you can hammer out some kind of peace treaty that gives you both what you need.
Hope this helps and congratulations on the new little one!
Honestly, I'm probably in the minority here. I think that if you were already going to the Dr. for one kid, what's the harm in taking the other along. By doing that, you would have freed up time for your husband to do what he wanted to do and maybe he would have reciprocated by doing something for you later today. I understand (believe me) that it's a pain in the butt to have to take the kids with you everywhere, but it can be done. I realize that you dont feel well either, but that doesn't change the fact that you were already going to take the sick child to the doctors.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you could have told him that you will take both kids to the doctor appointment, so he could go hunting. But, when he gets home tonight does he think you might be able to take a few hours to yourself. I think he might be more prone to say yes.
I don't know your husband, maybe I'm wrong here. But next time try sacrificing yourself for the betterment of your husband and see what his "response" is.
I wish you the best, and hope you horrible "morning" sickness goes away soon!
This is a hard one. He seems to have no sympathy for your situation, but you also seem to have none for his. He is working 60 hours a week, and needs down time. You are also working just as much, and need down time. With him being home such a limited time that balance can be very hard to find, but you both need to find it. Is there a sitter or family member that could sit once a week to give you both a break?
I loved the idea of hiring a mothers helper. A middle school aged child would love to earn some extra bucks by doing light cleaning or child care, and it would take some of the pressure off of you while you are sick, while allowing you to still be there to over see things.
No you're not a brat. your husband is! Yes, I know he works hard and you have been very VERY understanding of his work schedule by doing your best to take care of everything else so he can rest. So how do you deal?
I wish I could give you the magic words to get your husband to be more involved. Don't get me wrong..I totally understand where your husband is coming from. 10 hour shifts are no jokes especially at night...but there's plenty of time for him to get enuff shut-eye and help you before he starts off to work again. Could you try just talking to him? Don't point fingers..or say "you don't..or you won't". Just say, "I feel exhausted..I really need your help..I understand you work to support us..." Avoid the word "you" at all costs.
I have to say -while he should help, and if a kid is sick allowances have to made, so he shouldn't have gotten angry -60 hours a week of night shifts is TOUGH! Did you plan this current pregnancy, or was it an "oops"? Was he all for it? The reason I ask this is that there have been so many questions on here and advice to just go ahead and do what you want with regards to having more kids -even if your husband is against it -that if he was NOT on board with you getting pregnant again, this may be his way of showing it. Regardless, you are pregnant now with two other children, so he needs to do some things to help you out. He DOES deserve to blow off some steam by hunting or whatever now and then. Since he's working overtime, I would hire a part-time nanny or put the two children in a half-day preschool several times a week so you can have a break and some extra time to rest.
It's human nature not to be able to feel another person's stress and suffering, and this is especially true when we're suffering or exhausted ourselves. It sounds like you and your husband both have needs for rest, support, and down time that haven't been met for awhile. The two of you are in one of those nasty downward spirals where both of you are grasping harder and harder for ways to meet your needs, and this means you're taking hunks out of each other, thus deepening your mutual debt of need.
I've worked 60-hour weeks, and over time, that can pretty much consume all available energy and good will. And of course, you're probably doing that and more as a young mom, so with that on top of pregnancy and sickness, your available energy and good will are pretty much non-existent. And I see from your profile that this pregnancy was not planned. Enter the Inner Brat in two adults trying to hold it all together, and not succeeding.
Demanding more from each other or accusing each other of lacking sympathy will not bring a solution any closer. If you can possibly find this capacity in yourself, acknowledge your husband's heroic work contribution and his need for R&R. Express your concern for his well-being, and wonder out loud whether there are ways for him to meet that legitimate need without making your life harder, since you are already at the end of your own rope.
A little empathy from you might go a long way toward softening his version of "brattiness," and make it more possible for him to care about your situation.
And at this point in this new pregnancy, throw pride out the window. You are both scraping bottom energetically. Bring additional resources into your situation whenever possible. Ask for the help you need from extended family and friends. We have only recently, in "modern" culture, become so isolated in our individual families and begun to expect ourselves to be so self-sufficient. It's not a healthy expectation, and a disturbing thing to model for our children.
Nope....you are not being a brat. Your husband is part of a family and, as a dad, part of his job is pitching in when you need him to help with the kids.
I would have given him a choice, like, "Do you want to take the sick one to the doctor, or watch your son while getting to rest on the couch?"
I know your husband works 60 hours a week but he does NOT do it while watching little ones, taking care of sick kids and battling morning sickness. He works hard and SO DO YOU. Mallory P. said it best!
He needs to feel assured that this is a temporary situation. That you need the extra help because of how sick you are and that it will get better. Hopefully this is the last child because it sounds like it is maxing both of you physically and emotionally.
Try to have a meeting Sunday evening to plan out the schedule for the week. Plan a little free time for each of you and hire a sitter for at least an hour a week so you can both go have coffee together or something simple without the interruption of the kids. Try to avoid changing the schedule (adding appointments, activities, etc. unless you run it past the other person first).
my husband works two jobs, and when he comes home the first thing he wants to do is spend time with our son. then at night (sometimes midnight) he does the dishes for me because I have had a skin condition on my hands that make it painful for them to be in hot water for to long. sometimes he complains and says he wishes there was to of him, but he also says he feels like he doesn't do enough for me and the baby. he would never tell me he doesn't have to help out at home, because I would tell him that I spend all day taking care of our son (which is a 24/7 job) so I shouldnt have to do chores either! personally I use to work up to 70 hrs a week and still helped out with chores (this was before I got married and was living at my parents house) so no I don't think working 60 hrs a week is a good excuse not to help out around the house. you are raising two kids and have one on the way...when do you get your down time?
he works all the time and shouldnt have to help.... bullcrap. i was the only working person in my home, husband stayed at home with our almost three yr old and i was pregnant, and i sstill found the time to help him. i was working a physically demanding job (pushing up to 800 lbs on wheels and being able to push or pull up to 450 without wheels) i was working 10 or more hours a day (did this job for over two years before i got preggo). adn dont think i wasnt tired... but i know how hard it is to take care of our son and that my DH needed help. he told me i didnt have to help but i did. i eventually took what is considered a "light" job at the company bc of my back. i hate it when people dont think a sahm is a job bc its the hardest one out there. i love my son, but i dont think i could handle it. he needs to understand that work isnt anywere near as hard as raising children!!!
I am sorry that you are going through this. You are right to be upset. Yes, your husband works long hours and he is tired -- BUT, oddly enough, not too tired to do an enjoyable activity like hunting. Please. He is being full of it and he is upset at you because you called him out on it. Good for you, but at the same time you don't deserve that kind of stress at 13 weeks pregnant and with a sick child.
My recommendation would be first to maintain peace in the home, however you have to do it -- not to appease him, but to reduce your stress, which is more important right now. If you have to get a sitter or ask for help - even though it is embarrassing, do it for a short while....then, make HIM do it. When you are tired, stop working and rest. If he is at work, and you need the help and can find it, then get someone, and when he comes home from work, nonchalantly say that you will be resting or off doing an errand and you can pay the sitter whatever rate you agree. If he pulls that hunting stuff on you again, simply say, well, I will be off at the doctor's with our daughter, and prepare to leave. Let him figure out that child care will be needed - I am sure he will not leave your son home alone. Then, take off. When he realizes he is stuck with child care -- if hunting is REALLY that important then he will find a sitter of his own, or he won't. That is that. If he comes at you upset - simply state that you are not looking for drama or fights, that you needed to tend to your daughter and that is exactly what you did, and so what's the problem, dear? He'll get the picture soon enough.
I can't stand immature men. I mean, really, if he did not want the responsibility of children and family life he did not have to marry you and have kids by you. He needs to grow up.
I agree that he needs to put on his Big Boy Panties and pitch in, when needed.
But you also have to put on your Big Girl Panties and realize that he is working HARD so you can be home and raise your kids!
Why would you tell him the morning of the appointment? Did you just call & make it this morning? If so, then that's an unforeseeable thing, but if you know earlier, let him know right away, because no one likes to have their plans dashed last minute.
My husband leaves about 630 am and comes home 745 pm 5 days a week. He also works all day saurdays. I have four kids. I have to do most of the work in the house. My husband is exhausted when he gets home. He tries to get a few things done around the house on sunday. Although i would love for him to do more. It is not fair to burn him out. I know that we mom's work hard. We deserve a break as much as they do. Don't be afraid to ask for help. I ask my sisters to take the kids when i need a night. This is a touch situation. I am in your shoes. It gets a little easier as the kids get older. Good luck.
No way would my husband get away with this. My husband is a mechanic and works 60+ hours per week but he still helps out around the house. When he gets home, I give him a few minutes to change and get washed up and then he watches our son so I can get some stuff done.
He may work 60+ hours per week but I work 24/7. We finally put my son in a mother's day out program so I could get some more stuff done and have a few minutes to myself. I do feel bad that on my husbands days off we spend a lot of it running around or doing stuff around the house but I can't help that. At least he doesn't have a 3 year old hanging off his leg just about every minute of every day. I would love to get away--and in a sense my husband's work is his get away. My husband understands this. It's even harder for him since I'm disabled. I don't remember the last adult conversation I had. We are thinking about trying for another child so ours won't be an only child and he knows then he will really have to step up since a pregnancy would be very hard on me.
Good luck and you aren't being a brat. Give yourself some slack. And if he works 6 days a week and has already been hunting 3 times this week then he isn't too tired to help out around the house. He can have his time when the kids are older and when you get a break too.
So many people think a stay at home mom just sits in front of the tv all day....they are so wrong.
"He may work 60+ hours per week but I work 24/7."
I didn't read EVERYTHING, but let me just say even if you didn't work for "money" part-time.......Having small children is a full-time job, and then some. Yes, you should be able to rely on your husband for help. The children are both of your children. Plus you don't feel good. Yes, he is tired from working, and of course he deserves some down time.......but so do you. So I do not believe you should feel guilty for wanting help from your husband.
Will he go for counseling? It would help if you could find a balance and BOTH express your feelings with an objective party present. If this is not possible.....start hiring babysitters. You cannot do it all.
Marriage is a partnership. If your description of your marriage is accurate, your husband does not understand what it means to be good partner. Outline your expectations of him and see what his are for you. If you guys can see eye to eye and evolve your relationship to meet both person's needs, great! If not, I am concerned that your kids are not getting a very good example of a father figure. Take it from someone who was in a marriage like that ... you'll be much happier on you own and then if you end up meeting a partner that meets your very realistic expectations, blissful. And your kids will have a better role model for their future relationships ... at least from their mom's side of the family.
If you were to be placed on bed rest during your pregnancy, would he be able to hang? He has to help! I hope baby 3 is the last one.
Your husband needs to get up and help you. These are his children too. Just because you may be a stay at home mom does not mean that he gets out of helping with housework and children. He is acting like a baby and I would not put up with it. Tell him you will have to Hire a nanny to help you--that should get him helping. Hire help if he doesn't.
Remind him that being a mom is a 24 hr 7 days a week job and you never have a day off.
There will never be total equality inside of a marriage, even if both of you believe there should be fundamentally. It's difficult to see the other persons side of things.
Part of me is right there with everyone else wanting to say he needs to grow up and help. But then I remember that when I had my 3rd daughter, I was licensed for 10 children, without an assistant, plus our other 2 children. I had 2 shifts, 20 full-time children enrolled, never missed even one day AND had daycare kids on the weekends. I shopped for groceries at 3am while husband slept on the couch to make sure none of the kids woke up and snuck out of the house. I carried 250 dollars worth of groceries in the house by myself and in the early 90's that was at least 15 very large bags of groceries. I even had a child that was in a body cast that I had to lug around.
I did all of that, went to the hospital to give birth on Tuesday morning, came home Thursday at noon and cleaned the entire house because it was a wreck after a day and a half of sister in law at home with the daycare. She was so overwhelmed she went home even though I had paid her 150 dollars to stay and help that week! I only charged 40 per week for daycare kids. So 150 back then was a fair amount for a relative to stay around and help!
Anyway, I'm just here to say that if I survived that year of my life, you can too. You can always find others that are worse off if you look around.
that's a hard one. Is there any way he could cut back on his hours at work?
we have sympathy for your husband because he is working so much
BUT how can a father not care about his sick daughter? did he feel she want really very sick? How can he not be concerned that you may not have a healthy baby if you cant take care of yourself?? Do NOT be embarrassed asking other people for help anyone who doesnt want to help you or cant find the time to help will have a reason and say no, others will LOVE helping and feel so good about themselves that they could help your family!
but I think you should find a time when kids are sleeping and all is quiet and you're not in the middle of a fight and talk to him. Tell him it's very important you take care of yourself, this baby and your other children. that you are worried about the health of your children and the two of you need a plan to prevent future problems, if your doctor puts you on bed rest or your baby is not healthy -how much stress will that put on your husband?? talk to him calmly about preventing future problems by taking care of your health now. ASK him for help without TELLING him what to do. Men like to feel needed but not bossed around so word things carefully. Men like to be caretakers when they are praised for their efforts! (never criticize how he cleans the floor or cares for a child!) Men like to be problem solvers so tell him you're worries, your health problems , your needs and ask him to come up with ideas to make the situation better. Obviously your last two pregnancies went well and you've never miscarried and your children were born healthy or he would be more concerned. good luck
OF COURSE you're not emasculating a man asking him not to go hunting when his family NEEDS him at home. Convincing a man he is not needed to help raise his family, that working a lot of hours means he doesnt need to be a crucial part of raising children-that is a horrible thing to do to a man and to your children. He needs to understand you arent being lazy (by spending more time "being You")and he NEEDS to feel that he is more than just a paycheck. You may have to work hard to convince him and praise him a lot but you will be making your family stronger.
You aren't being a brat. You are sick and pregnant and trying to do everything around the house. THAT is WORK too. You just don't bring home a paycheck for it. That doesn't mean that it's any less than what he does. He should be helping you around the house, even if he is tired, you are tired too. It sounds to me like you are being understanding of his situation. Tell him he needs to grow up. Life sucks and sometimes, when you have a family, you have to give up what you want to do, because of them.
I'm sorry he's being this way to you. He's the one being a brat...
I just wanted to say that I was on your side and then after reading your "what happened" I'm even more so! ;) Maybe this is sexist, but I think when you're pregnant, everything is negotiable and up for discussion. My husband even read it and agreed with you...the first thing he said was that maybe this is the only time the entire year your husband gets to hunt and if it is maybe he's just really looking forward to it. So, my husband suggested giving him the choice of staying home or you hiring a babysitter to help you. My guy thought that would make yours change his mind pretty quickly and if it didn't, then you still got help! ;) I don't know if that's an option for you, but that's a guy's perspective I guess!
I think it sounds like you're being very accomodating and understanding. Yes, your emotions are on overdrive, but you have even more than normal on your plate right now with the sickness, etc. I think you guys need a heart to heart and hopefully it will work out!
I am late to the board but wanted to share my experience with you anyway. Until a couple weeks ago my SO was working nights, seven days a week. It was exhausting for both of us, and I wasn't pregnant or working! We tried to give each other breaks. Once or twice a week he would give me a couple hours to myself. He got more time to himself because the work he was doing was back breaking. Rearing children is not always easy and it is work...on the other hand I was not physically exerting myself as much as he was (once again, I wasn't pregnant...if I was, it would certainly change our dynamic). Also, I was able to sleep at night and was better rested then he. In addition, he was responsible for one or two chores a day - taking out the garbage, emptying the dishwater, switching out the laundry. Simple easy stuff, but helpful none the less.
Also, I was able to arrange kid switches with a couple of my girlfriends so that I could go to the grocery store by myself, grab a cup of coffee, catch up with a friend...what ever. It was helpful. I also invited friends over A LOT, and would even have slumber parties. I love my SO...but he was rarely awake while at home. I was very lonely for adult companionship. I'd have one of my girlfriends over for dinner, we'd put our kids to bed and then crack a bottle of wine, watch a movie, talk, bond. It was great for both of us as well as our kids. Making dinner and cleaning up is a lot more fun with help and company. Anyway, I know its draining and lonely to have a partner who is gone much of the time. On the other hand we become very resourceful, independent and self reliant. And, it's a great time to deepen our relationships with other friends and family.
Oh, one other thing: I arranged a date night once a month. We spent so much time apart and then spending time there were kids around! It was nice to have a few hours every so often that was just for us.
Unfortunately there are lots of husbands like that. You did the right thing. You should not HAVE to put your foot down to get him to help, especially when you are sick.
You need to have a talk w/ him and explain that while you know he works very hard supporting your family at his paid job, you work equally hard for your family at home and you don't get to "clock out" or bring home a paycheck. Tell him that you understand him not wanting to do a whole lot when he gets home but that you too need some down time. Tell him you are willing to be ok with just a half an hour to an hour a day of you time on his work days but on the off days you should be equal partners in your household duties and you need extra help when you are not feeling well.
You are SO not being a brat. No offense, but HE is the brat. Throwing a fit because he has to take care of his own child? That is so childish and inconsiderate of him! You need to put him in his place right quick. Tell him it took two to have kids... and although he does bring home the money and work stinky hours, he still has to pull his weight around at home. Gosh, if the men would just live a week in our shoes... they would totally understand.