I'm Afraid My Son Won't Be Close to Me When He Is Older - Advice Please

Just wanted to say that I have two boys, and we are probably done. I have a 5 1/2 year old and a 14 month old. My 5 1/2 year old is very close to both of us - he comes to me for mothering and to do art, cook, play legos, do homework, and read. He goes to Daddy for anything mechanical, including puzzles, transformers, star wars, building stuff and most sports. Mama is good at soccer and swimming but Daddy does football, baseball, tennis, etc.

I am terrified that one day he won't want to spend as much time with me. I try not to think about it and I try very hard to be interested in his interests - even though I absolutely detest transformers!!! No one can know what the future will bring. My great aunt is 90. She has 6 kids - 4 boys and 2 girls. Her oldest (boy) and her youngest (boy) are the ones who take care of her, call her daily and make sure she has anything she needs including company. Her daughters both live out of state, are both divorced and are only reached if she calls them. You just never know!

Love up your boy - buy him cute clothes now - they end after 4T!!! Do things with him that interest him and work at having the best relationship you can. That means being his mom not his friend!

C.

5 moms found this helpful

Too early to worry about this, mommy! If you do, you'll end up smothering him and that will either do one of two things - make him a mama's boy (and no one likes a mama's boy) or make him flee from you the moment he tastes freedom.

Just do your best with teaching him to be independent NOW - talking, walking, runninig, playing, everything you do with a child his age. Read about the different developmental stages. Take things a little at a time. Talk to him a lot and read to him a lot. Let him know that he can talk to you about any subject. Be strict but loving. It ALL forms a close bond.

Later on, kids are supposed to pull away. It's normal. But right now, don't dwell on that. It'll ruin your Christmas!

Hugs!
D.

4 moms found this helpful

my sons are 15 & 24. We are close. They are able to read my mind, & I theirs. They instinctively know what I'll like & what I won't. They score much higher than my DH in sensitivity to my needs/wants.

As a teen, I hated when my Mom & I drifted apart....on a social level. I hated that we couldn't agree on music, books, entertainment, etc. I felt sooo bereft & made a vow to not put my own kids thru this.

Fast forward 30 years, I am still "up" on current entertainment. I often know new music before my sons. I don't always enjoy what they listen to, nor do they always like my choices. BUT, we share a common ground & it provides us with a much-needed source of connection. & again, in the case of my DH, he's out in left field.....he deliberately chooses to "not" keep up & it's his loss.

Several months ago, my older son was in a wedding. I had a revelation which shook me to the core...& it still bothers me. My daughter passed away 18 years ago. I will never have a wedding to plan. I will never help dress my daughter in her wedding gown. I will forever be the MIL. I boohoo'd for days over this one. I finally shared it with my BF, my Mom, & my sis. My older son overheard me....& addressed it when I got off the phone. His theory is: "you're insane, Mom, get over it. You will always be the Mom & you know it." :)

Soooo, my advice: don't let gender influence your choices & decisions. My sons hunt/fish/etc with my DH. They also attend concerts, plays, movies, & shop with me. Together we all design/implement the changes in our home. They are both capable of achieving many, many milestones in life. & I am right there with them....all the way.

I am also very proud that they place Family First. Prior to Thanksgiving, my older son came to me & asked if we were going to see GrGma. When I told him that she was not up to the ride to Gma's, he said "well, then we need to move our dinner to Aunt's- so GrGma can be with us. Can you call your Mom & ask her to move our dinner?" OMG....tears in my eyes! I was & am soooo danged proud of him. & as it turns out, GrGma had addressed the same issue with my Mom earlier that day.....my son & his GrGma certainly had a soulful sharing that day. :)

I truly, truly believe that honoring the generations in your family will provide the connections needed to perpetuate Family Time. My ILs never, ever celebrated any holidays together when my DH & I met. I thought it was so sad not to gather as a family. There were many times when I was chewed out by MY family for being with them & not allowing my DH to be with his. !! My gparents were horrified when my DH explained how his family operated! To the day my MIL died, she joined us for holidays/birthdays/etc, even tho' she had 6 daughters! Their loss, our gain.....& my sons loved, appreciated, & thrived on their time with all of their gparents.....even down to the fact that they both visit the graves with us. :)

Soooo, that's my recommendation: spend as much time as possible with your son. Keep the connection full of love. & sometimes, it's hard - my older son's been in 24hr lockup for a DWI, he's been arrested for possesion, & he's been an absolute jerk at times. & I want you to know this is highly-censored! We lived a life of Hell with him from age 15-21. He's now back on track, he's functioning within the family, & is headed back to college shortly. Thru it all, my BF said that the key was that we never, ever stopped loving him...... Love your son & you'll have him for life. :)

4 moms found this helpful

I always find these questions strange. Boys are different from girls but they always remain close. The daughter in law only controls the time she spends with you. Sure she may not want to be your BFF but it doesn't change your relationship with your son.

When kids are babies there is little difference between boys and girls. They pretty much have the same needs. As kids get older their needs change but they are still as close to you as ever.

Yes I cannot call up my adult son and ask him to go shopping with me. I am pretty sure when he marries his wife will have to drag him kicking and screaming. My adult daughter, when she is in town, will drop anything and shop with me. Then again, got football tickets I am running for the hills, my son is there with pick me!!!

All I am saying is you will still be close to your son. You should not judge closeness by activities, closeness is a matter of feelings. Really, in that regard my sons are closer to me than my daughters are.

Ya know what, look at the first two pages of questions, I think there are at least two from women bitching that their husbands put their moms before them. So where are these men controlled by their wives?

4 moms found this helpful

oh holy wow. You've got me tearing up thinking about the book "I'll Love You Forever"
Anyway........Don't borrow trouble. Don't waste precious energy on "What Ifs" Enjoy him now to the fullest and allow your relationship to grow and change as he grows and his needs for you change. He may not always need you to tuck him in, but he will always need you!

My husband and ex husband both have had very close relationships with thier moms as adults. 3 of my 4 brothers are total mamas boys. Before she passed, they were way more up my moms butt than I ever was, and I'm her only daughter! They never went through that stage of individualization that mothers and daughters go through.

4 moms found this helpful

Have you read "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian? Good book.
Boys have different needs than girls, get familiar with them and you will be just fine.
Boys rock!

3 moms found this helpful

The perfect example is my husband and his mom. He is super close to his mom! They have lunch together and see a movie at least once a month (just the two of them) and they see each other often. He talks to her on the phone almost every day, or every other day. He's not an only child, he has a younger sister, who is close to her mom in her own way.

In the beginning of our relationship his mom had a lot of animosity toward me. He lived at home and she was terrified of losing him to a wife. It really made things difficult for both of us and for a time she ruined the relationship between herself and her son. In an effort to keep him close, she actually drove him away! And luckily for me, my relationship with my husband was strong enough to withstand all of that.

Eventually we all reconciled and now things are fine. They have a new type of closeness--like I said, daily talks and getting together often. Don't let your fear hurt your son. You will remain close if you let him live his life and find a place for yourself and him in it.

And often I will tell him to do something, or that something is a certain way and he won't believe me. Later his mother says the SAME EXACT THING and it's like the clouds parted and the angels sang! So I guess boys never stop listening to their mamas!

3 moms found this helpful

I don't look at this as a boy/girl thing but a personality thing.

I have two daughters. The older one was more like a boy -- into sports, liked to hang out with her dad. She would have rather bought softball equipment than have a manicure. And we both hate shopping. My younger is a little more girly, but she's 14 and pulling away from me more every year. Teenage girls are NO FUN sometimes! My friends who are raising boys don't have half the issues I have had with my girls. Mother/daughter relationships can be awful. Mine with my own mother was. I am close to my daughters, but I have tried over the years to enjoy the things they enjoy and bond with them that way.

Kids are supposed to pull away and start their own lives with their own spouses and kids. How close are you wanting to be? I guess I don't understand your concern. Be likeable, a good mom and take interest in what your son enjoys. Someday he'll have a wife and you can forge a bond with her. It's like getting a daughter if you play it right. But if you focus on the negatives all your life and worry about possibilities that may or may not come to be, you'll drive yourself -- and your son -- crazy.

2 moms found this helpful

i think if you raise him right and let future wife be "the one" for him and support her and not be judgemental she will encourage a close relatinship to you...also i know several men who are very close to their moms. J. don't go all possesive on him and try to be his number one forever and he will hold you with the highest regard. BTW plenty of moms arent close to their daughters. I think typically girls are, but you can mak an effort to connect with him on things hes interestedin, and your husband will bond with him a lot too!

2 moms found this helpful

I think there is some truth to the daughter thing but in the same breath I need to remind you that relationships are what we make of them. We have no idea who our little people will become, but we do know that we love them. Just stand your ground and teach him to be the loving, giving, wonderful person that I am sure he already is and you will be blessed with the perfect adult relationship with him in the future. I will be just as it should be. No sense in fretting now.

Just be sure to remember that the teen years are not indicative to what you can expect from him as an adult. My best friends mother once said that the teen years happen so you can let them go on their own as adults. I think there is a lot of truth to that. Just enjoy the ride my friend. You are blessed with your little guy.

2 moms found this helpful

Have a warm, loving, healthy relationship with your son - be a model for him of the kind of woman he should marry. When he gets married, have the same kind of relationship with his wife.

My mother was a selfish B. I love my MIL. So just because he's a boy doesn't guarantee he won't be "close" when he's older. You're getting WAY to worried about something that isn't even potentially an issue for another 25 years. Worrying about it for the next 25 years WILL cause issues :)

2 moms found this helpful

Well, my husband is still very close to his mom. We have been married almost 11 years, and he still has date nights with her, whether to movies or dinner, at least 1x a month. And they actually go shopping together once in a while too. He is definitely closer to his mom. I would not stress it now....that is a long way away. Just focus on building a great foundation!!

2 moms found this helpful

I know...I think about this too. I have so many friends who say they're glad they have sons so as to avoid the girl drama...However, I remind them that their sons' go onto marry the drama :) While I do have my daughter I have two boys that I am absolutely crazy about. While I know our relationship will change when they meet the girl of their dreams...i sure hope that I can be close to them and be involved in their lives. I think it's all about the foundation you set for them now. Open lines of communication, respect, love all that. That's what I think. ;)

2 moms found this helpful

Sons are notoriously "Mama's Boys" and daughters are "Daddy's Girls". Then they become teens and girls have more in common w/ mom and boys with their dads....but they are still Mama's Boys and Daddy's Girls. The relationship changes but still that bond is there. Yes, many times the new woman in their lives does take priority but the same can be said for the new man in the daughter's life. Stop stressing, enjoy each stage as it comes.

2 moms found this helpful

I always heard that boys grow away from their Moms a bit.
I was expecting my son to pull away a bit when he turned 8.
Nope.
He's 13 now.
He still hugs me before going out the door every morning and again when he comes home.
I never got manicures myself so I never pictured myself doing anything like that with a daughter.
I HAVE sat down on the floor and built Lego models with my son till he could follow the instructions himself.
We cook together, clean together, play together, help Dad together.
I do expect as he grows he will become his own man - that's natural and as it should be.
He's got to grow/develop and staying tied to my apron strings will hamper that if it lingers into college and beyond.
He'll be close to me as he wants to be and if sometime in the future he wants a bit of distance, I won't push him.
I hope he stays close (and find a girl who's a lot like me - we'll get along great if he does) but who knows what time will bring?
Your's is 2.
Enjoy him, don't smother him and don't worry!

2 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way. My only advice is to not worry so much about the future ahead but bask in what you have now. That may or may not be the case. There are plenty of mama boys out there seeking their advice, going to sports games together, some love cooking together and although they may not be around all the time as an adult, they carry mama's views, morals and traditions with them. Find the book "I will always love you"... Children's book. It shows the importance of mom throughout the years and how she lives through her son. Many times moms do not know how to bond with their son as they get older... Be it due to sports, grossness, etc. Just have traditions with him, special time together and be a friend all the time. He will have to discuss matters of the heart.
I don't dictate how much time my husband spends with his mother, he chooses that. I encourage it at times. That us your example for your son.
For now, live today and enjoy the blessing that is your son.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband worries about this as well. I tell him that we have no control over where he lives or who he marries. The truth is you have no idea who he will marry or if he will marry at all. You may adore her like the daughter you never had, or you may hate her to the ends of the earth. I think your relationship with your son will remain strong as long as you respect his new family and adulthood. I think problems arise when well meaning mother's try to put their two cents in when it isn't ask for.
You have lots of time to worry about that. Just enjoy your moments with your son.

1 mom found this helpful

Sounds like you have an immature view of what your kids will be like when they grow up. I have 2 daughters 22, and 17 and it's really not what you think about shopping and manicures. Sons will stay close as you make it....and then it's up to them. Every kid is different but I don't know of any of my kid's friends that are not close to their parents. To be honest, boys are sweeter.....just like male dogs....sweeter then females.

1 mom found this helpful

Gosh, we moms can get ourselves upset over what the future may (or may not) bring, can't we? Of course you don't know how everything will turn out, but just be the best mom you can be: reliable, dependable, & strong, trustworthy & trusting, respectable & respectful, fun & loving. You may not shop & get pedicures together, but maybe have lovely lunches during the week or dinners on Sundays.

I also think you are stressing yourself too much thinking that because he is a boy, he won't enjoy spending time with you. My husband & his mom are very close (but not to an extreme level), & we have a great time visiting with each other. She & I are friends & have lunch without him, even, which I think helps her to feel we are all part of a larger family. Your grandma-coworker friends may have certain biases towards their granddaughters for a variety of reasons - you can't judge your relationships by theirs.

Take into consideration that YOU yourself are the once-unknown future-daughter-in-law that your MIL probably fretted over - are you a good DIL to her? Of course the man in your lives spends most of his days with you - his home is now with you, as is his future (in the children). But does his mom get to spend time with him as well? Do you open up your home & your calendar to allowing her time with her son? Consider that "what goes around comes around", & perhaps your now-unknown future DIL will be wonderful & generous of their time shared with you. If you can cultivate that thinking about relationships, & that instead of losing your son to his wife you will instead be welcoming into your family a daughter, everyone can hope to have a very happy future.

1 mom found this helpful

My uncle (mom's brother) moved away for college and then his first jobs, but came back to my grandmother's property (they are on a lake with a few acres of land) and built his own apartment over the barn. He helps her with all the work required of managing such a place and she cooks and takes care of him. He has had many girlfriends throughout the years but has never had an interest in getting married or having kids. I think he is the ultimate example of a son who has stayed close to his mom.

On my dad's side, my dad stayed close to his parents while his sister got married and moved away (to Washington state, far away). We were very close to those grandparents and had dinner at their house all the time growing up.

1 mom found this helpful

I thought the same thing... until I joined the military.

Then you better believe how i changed my thinking.

And i have to tell you... the warm, loving, funny homes they came from??? The way their mothers gave their daughters-in-law total freedom & warm welcome.

Models to live by.

1 mom found this helpful

I know many men who are close to their moms (and Buddy from Cake Boss has a close relationship with his mom). I also know women who are not close to their parents. If you are able to weather adolescence, chances are he'll have a good relationship with you. Now, that might not include daily conversations and manicures, but see what form it takes. My FIL won't say "I love you". He'll say, "How's your car running?" When he cared about my car, I knew I was accepted.

Try not to worry about the future so much you don't enjoy the present. Just be his mom. Care about him. Be involved in his life.

1 mom found this helpful

I have the perfect solution, and it's one I learned from my MIL: LOVE your daughter-in-law. Maintain the great relationship you have with your son now, and then make it perfectly clear that his wife is the best thing in the world that could have happened to him.

This is far in the future... it really is, and you have some time. But my MIL, for all her quirks, accepted me unconditionally (with all of my quirks), and, believe me, I am now the reason she sees us as much as she does. We did live pretty close to her, but last January we moved across the country. Since then, she has flown here twice (her son paid once), and I and the kids went for a month in July and we're going again at Christmas. These two bigger trips there happened because I insisted... I know it sounds weird, but I am sort of in control of this (as the wife), and because she has fostered a friendship with me beyond the daughter-in-law level, she has earned my devotion in return.

I see this happen a lot. Plus, she and I go out and get pedicures! LOL

You are obviously a loving woman... and if you are willing to let him grow up and not control his adult life (even out of love), you will be amazed at what he and his wife do to show they appreciate your love and understanding.

1 mom found this helpful

I have two boys and I often have thoughts like yours but I try to work hard all the time to create time and memories with them, to have important conversations, to become the one they will always need and come to, to stay in their lives.
I will not give up my kids to no one. I do not know what DILs I will have and I will try to be nice to them but I will not tolerate anyone pushing me aside. I, actually, tell this to my 14 y/o son now, I explain to him how things are and how he needs to be careful and resistant and not to be brainwashed by any girl, woman and future wife, to a;ways remember that blood is thicker than water.
Your son is only two and he is too young but he will be growing and you need to make sure you create an unbreakable bond with your son. Talk, travel, create memories, be his confidante, his support, his best friend and his most cheerful supporter. With my son - there is no issues we have not discussed. He says that he can come to me with anything. He comes for advise, support or just for throwing ideas around. I value his trust and our relationship and I would never ever give it up or treat it lightly.

Good luck to you. Hold your boy close, that's the secret.

1 mom found this helpful

My husband has a great relationship with his parents (mom & dad). My MIL did a great job of not smothering her sons and taking joy in their joys - what ever that is (rugby, football, math, music, etc) in doing so, they continued to love her and know they had her support. My husband talks to his mom weekly and cherishes their relationship.
I take a lot of comfort in this since I have two boys and only two boys. I am trying to follow the example set by those older and wiser than me and realize that the time for impressing that bond and mutual respect and love starts today.:)
so enjoy that little boy and when he says, "mom watch me play" even though you really, really have so much cleaning to do, etc - sit down and play.
Hugs to a fellow boy mom!!

1 mom found this helpful

I have a son and two daughters and I can honestly say that I am closer to my son and my younger daughter than my older daughter.
A lot of it has to do with temperament and personality. My son and I are more alike. We have similar tastes in reading, music and movies. We share a passion for cooking and photography. He's got my wicked and sometimes crude sense of humor. He has always shared more of my interests than my husband's, for example my son has zero interest in team sports, golfing and skiing, all things my husband loves.
My younger daughter (12) is also more like me, and we are pretty close, but my older daughter and I have butt heads her entire life! She is just SO different. She is 16 now and we are FINALLY beginning to accept each others' quirks and flaws. I am working on being closer to her by giving her more space, and cutting her a little more slack.
I'm not sure if I'll "lose" my son when he marries (he's a college freshman now) but I know I will always cherish the years we had together, and I'm sure that even if we end up living far apart and not seeing each other as often as I would like, he will still call me from time to time, and hopefully, still seek out my advice and support when he needs it. After all, a boy may have many girlfriends, and possibly a wife (or two!) but he only has one mom :)

1 mom found this helpful

Aww. I have a boy myself, and always want us to be as close as were are now. At 8, he still wants me to snuggle with him, and tuck him in at night. I think I always will want to do that, regardless of what age he is.

I have to tell you that, not all son/mom relationships end with them not being very close. My own mother and my brother are very close still. He will be 30, and he still calls her when he has issues, or when he is sick( mostly for sympathy and comfort). My husband is very close with his mother, as is his brother too. I think it just depends. However, don't look to everyone else's relationships to guide you. Make your own. I intend to make sure that my son and I are very close, regardless of how old we both are!