"If It Happens, It Happens"

Hi L., I'm sorry you're going through this. We tried for 6 years to get pregnant, including clomid, artificial insemination, laparoscopy to remove some endometriosis, etc. We were about to start in vitro in a couple of months when we got pregnant on our own when I was 32. A miracle.
Just let me tell you, people mean well, but they do not know what they're talking about. Relaxing has nothing to do with it. Unless of course you're truly under a lot of stress with work, etc., but not about getting pregnant. It's very emotional and hurtful when other's are telling you what you're doing wrong and how to do it and then to top it off, constantly hearing that so and so is pregnant.
The worst for us was the teasing on my husbands side about him shooting blanks and that we were having sex wrong, etc. and then when his sister got pregnant, I was a wreck.
You just have to tell these, that you're working with your doctor that all the things they're telling you are old wives tales that are not true. Or just tell them to but out.
A couple of books that helped me are:

"Resolving Infertility" by Diane Aronson, and a couple of other Doctors.
"When Empty Arms Become a Heavy Burden" by Sandra Glahn and William Gutrer, MD

I have several friends now that have gone through or are going through fertility issues. It's so hard to see them experiencing what I went through. Brings back those feelings.
You'd also be surprised how many women already have one child, but have trouble getting pregnant again.

The thing is you can't just forget about it. It's impossible. You're working with your doctor and you're taking all the steps. Don't listen to those who don't know what they're talking about and try not to let it get to you. You're going to get a lot of people trying to give you advice.

I wish I can say the pain will go away, but it won't. Just try and live your life the best way you can for your son and husband.
Good luck and I hope things work out soon.

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Believe me I undestand what you are going thru, I was 31, working full time as a HR Mgr and going to school for a masters degree the first time I got pregnant with my now 12 year old boy, six months after we got married! after he was born we wantet to get pregnant inmedialtly, but it didn't hapend as soon as we wanted, so we went in to a roller coster of methods and tretments that made me very anxious and a bit depress, it started to be a problem between my husband and I, I also went to everybody's take it slow and relax comments, I didn't know how to do that either. I finnaly got pregnant and it turn out to be an ectopic pregnancy. When I talk to my doctor he told me that the stress in my life between job-school-husband-baby-friends and house was the most probable cause and that my body was reacting to it, of course I didn't believe that, I have several friends with similar everything load tham me and they have at least two kids! wy was I the exception??? So finnaly I came back to work after surgery and cuoldn't stay at my office, the doctor's words keept comming back,I got very emotional and by the end of the day had decided to quit my job and put a hold on my degree. We made an arrangement to work from home until they found a replacement and by February 15th, 2 1/2 months after my surgery I was pregnant again with my now 7 year old.
I know is a big step, specially if you have money issues, but this time it work for me, ofcourse we strugle and some times money was tight and all, but when baby was four years old I went back to work and we are ok now. Somethimes we are not aware of what we put our bodies thrue, and sometimes we ask to much, but relaxing is not only mental it is also phisical, concentrating and doing one thing, not to have a lot to do and distract your mind with. I hope the best for you and your family. Sincerly, N..

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Hi L.,

When my hubby and I bought our first house, we were asking one of the neighbors about the area and the school, etc. getting to know the place where we were now living. The neighbor, after some pleasant discussion said to me, "Now that you've bought your house are you finally going to start a family?" I told her the house purchase had nothing to do with starting a family, that I was not able to get pregnant and we were waiting on our first adopion. She said to me "You can't get pregnant, or you haven't tried hard enough." I could share a long list of other awful things people said to us over the year that would shock you. It might be good for a laugh and a smile today!~

Seriously though, fertility issues suck, no other (nice) word fits. I have lots of stories, lots of trying, lots of tests and lots of tears I could share with you too. Anyone who goes through this has similar stories and anyone who has not gone through it has NO CLUE!

So, that said, next time someone tells you to "relax and let it happen in its own due time", smile sweetly and tell them to mind their own business. lol. Ok, maybe not, but don't you want to, at least a little bit?

People who say things to us are generally good people who don't know what to say, so they choose things they think will make us feel better, because it makes them feel better. I don't think on my feet very fast, so I never had a snappy comeback, which meant I usually hid and cried where no one could see me.

I was not one of the lucky ones who eventually got pregnant. It never worked for us, but we were later blessed to be able to adopt, not once but twice, and our boys are the light of our lives.

I can't tell you how to relax and make it all happen, I never figured it out either. But looking back, I wish I had followed some advice I read in a really good book, (which of course I can't remember the title, nor can I find it at the moment), that someone gave me while we were waiting to adopt. (I know you're not waiting to adopt, but I think the same things apply.) In a nutshell, it said this is a stressful time in your life so while you are stressing do things you enjoy. Take a trip, go window shopping, go on a hike, play with your child, see a good chick flick with the girls, whatever floats your boat. I would go one step further and say do all these things in the two weeks between ovulation and pregnancy test. It might not make a stitch of difference, but at least you'll be doing things you enjoy and things that make you happy. And, when it's needed, scream into a pillow, or on top of a mountain, or cry in a closet (my personal favorite). And when people ask you how you are doing, don't give them the standard "fine", smile and tell them life sucks right now because things aren't working the way you wanted them to and you really wish you were pregnant. You might knock them right over, but anyone who cares enough to ask how you are and can stay standing after that response is someone you can turn to for support when all is not well with the world.

Find a reason to laugh and smile every day, whatever it takes, at least for a minute you'll feel better.

Sending happy vibes your way!
G.

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I have alson been trying for a year and a half. I was able to get pregnant using Femara (off label use - does the same thing as Clomid, but doesn't cause cervical fluid to dry up or thin the uterine lining), but unfortunately miscarried. You might ask your OB about switching drugs. I had tons of side effects with Clomid, none with the Femara.

After my m/c, I decided I didn't want to go through another round of drugs, blood work, and ultrasounds, and found an acupuncturist who specializes in women's fertility. I have only been seeing her for a few weeks, but after one treatment, I got my period the next day, and after the next, ovulated within 3 days (she gears the treatment towards your cycle.) Won't know for a couple weeks if it "worked," but I haven't felt this positive about TTC in MONTHS. If nothing else, the acupuncture is helping me relax, kind of like a little nap in the middle of the day. Anyway, here's the woman's website: http://www.floatchinesemedicalarts.com/

And yes, if anyone tells me "it will happen when it happens" again, I might throw a punch :)

You are in good (and frustrated!) company.

Good luck

1 mom found this helpful

Girl.... I'm right there w/ya! After one child and 4 miscarriages, we want another and I can't 'relax' either. lol. But alot of women responded to your post and they had great advice!!!! I wish you the best of luck. Sending TONS of babydust your way!

1 mom found this helpful

Oh, like so many who have already responded to you, I've been where you are at now and it really sucked. "Relaxing" won't make you get pregnant and telling someone that causes the exact opposite to occur, unneeded stress in an already stressful situation. I heard the relax advice many times. While I do believe there likely is a strong mind-body connection, there are physical reasons why people experience infertility and these need to be adressed. Blaming myself for not "relaxing" was not at all helpful. I finally conceived through IVF after several years of trying. I can say that I was not "relaxed" for the IVF that finally worked! I was resolved to the fact that what happened would happen, but it had taken me years to get to that point. That attitude was not something I could have forced and who knows if it made any difference anyway.

I wish you the best on your journey, hopefully one that will resolve soon. I found a lot of support through friends I made in the Resolve organization. For me, it was a wonderful, helpful support system.

It is incredibly hard...I know! When I was first trying it seemed like every period was the loss of a baby! Then I got pregnant and was so happy...but miscarried that baby. Just after the miscarriage I got pregnant RIGHT away and that baby is now 3! Then...my second was a "surprise" and my third happened the first time we tried. It is really hard to not "stress" over it and be obsessed with it...but it does make a difference. I don't have good advice, other than maybe chewing a piece of gum everytime you have the urge to test or take your temp or whatever....try finding something to do INSTEAD of the obsesive action. I really know how annoying it is to have people say "relax" but there is little else we can tell you!

Try accupuncture. It is great for all things hormonal because it helps your body achieve balance. A friend of mine got pregnant after years of trying everything with 6 months of accupunture. I use it all the time for PMS issues, etc. It's also great to help you relax and get your body fine tuned all around.

HI L.,
It took me about four years to get pregnant. I had a full time job, went to school, kept my mind busy, nothing worked. Finally, I gave up. We quit trying, and I relaxed knowing that I will soon start adoption papers. I got pregnant two months later. Don't ask me how, it just happened.
I really have no advice on how to relax, it will stay in your mind and every intimate moment is a hope. Best of luck!!!

Try getting a massage around the time of ovulation. Worked for us! Either that or go on a vacation where you're not on the go all the time (stay at a beach house or a campground, etc.). Good luck!

Hi L.,
My husband and I have been trying for almost two years. We have tried IUI, reversing his vasectomy, natural conception, and two partial IVF attempts. I can more than understand the heartache that is experienced upon learning the disappointing news that one is not pregnant. What I found worked for me was prayer...or giving this desire to God. It quieted my soul, helped me to gain a proper perspective on things, completely eliminated the roller coaster of emotions, and also really worked to build my marriage. I would also listen to Christian music filled with God's promises, and read books that lifted me up (The Yada Yada Prayer Group is great).

Hi L.! I don't know that you can ever just "relax" when it comes to having a baby you really really want unless you get to the point where you just say I cant have any no use in trying and forget about it. Otherwise its always in your head and you just cant relax. Stress can impact your fertility but so can diet and a world of other things. I would stop wasting time with your OB and get a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist. They can run tests and if you have a fertility problem. They will run a full endocrine blood panel and HSG (where they do an xray to see if your tubes are even open...scar tissue and endomitriosis can close them). It took me about a year to concive my twins and now that they are 16 months old I find myself pregnant with number 3 without any help. But I wasnt worried or stressed and even then...we haven't been using protection for about 8 months. I had given up though...I believed the doctors when they said I probably couldn't conceive on my own...it was the very month that I stopped counting the days that I got pregnant. I know its a horribly hard process to go through...and I wish you the best of luck.

I struggled to get pregnant for 2 years. And yes, it is phisically challenging not to stress out.. especially if your testing for ovulation and have 2-3 days to concieve.. everything is very concious nothing just happens. But! All the stressing and obsessing does not help the situation. I often exercised, did activities to help me stay focused, but calm. I reccomend having an open mind, remember that you are young and you will get pregnant soon. This might sound crazy, I am buddhist so of course I can chant... I encourage you to find yoga/ or some kind of meditation that helps you to focus on the task, but not necessarily get you obsessed and stressed out. by the way.. it will happen. stay positive.

So the only thing you have not tried is the Relax and let it happen thing. Maybe you should give it a try!!

Stop trying to conceive! ;)
That worked for us. I know the roller coaster you are on, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. After 7 months of TTC after a loss, I was so distraught that I decided to take on a new mindset and to take a break. I made new goals not involving having a baby (ie registering for school, making vacation plans, etc) and I was actually excited to start my new endeavors!
Lo and behold, the last month we had tried to conceive (the month before were going to stop) we got pregnant (due in August with our first!)
Other people have told me the same thing; that when they gave up is when they got pregnant. Of course I hate to use the term "give up", but maybe make conceiving less of a priority and make plans for other things.
Sending baby dust your way!!!

Hi L.,

I so completely understand where you are right now. My husband and I tried for years (6) and I couldn't deal with the monthly emotional roller coaster any longer so we gave up. Only in my mind I kept thinking that 'well, I hear all the time about people giving up (even knew of a few) and pretty soon, they were pregnant'. Well after more than a year, that didn't work either. So, in the meantime, while everyone was telling me to relax, getting acupuncture and the like, I decided to switch careers and go back to school to do so. So, personally, I don't think it is possible for one to 'relax' and 'stop thinking about it' UNLESS you throw yourself into something that doesn't allow you the time to think about getting pregnant. I was still working full time and I started a masters program. That all kept me VERY busy. The only thing I wanted to do was to relax AWAY from school and work with friends and family. Well, that did the trick and 6 months after I graduated and worked hard to get a new job, I was pregnant. Of course I found out two weeks after I got that new career job but oh well. I wouldn't trade it for anything. So, now I use my new degree to be a SAHM! Find something that keeps you very busy and I think you will find that you don't have time to dwell on getting/being pregnant. Of course you will think of it from time to time but it won't be the same. I see that you already have a young one, go to school, and work (wow and awesome), so maybe you need just a little something else - if that is possible. :-)

Good luck!

L. H.

Both times I got pregnant, I had to give up caffeine while trying to conceive. And you know the trick of staying on your back with your knees up in the air after sex? (20 minutes). This position lets gravity help the semen get where you want it to go better. Concentrate on what you can control, eating right, getting plenty of sleep, drinking plenty of water, taking walks with your son. When I was out of work once, I had a fully paid membership in a Health Club (because I had already paid it). Even though I couldn't go to work, I got up every moring and went to the health club and did my workout, and focused on using the time to get as healthy as I could. It helped me have a positive outlook, and I wasn't unemployed long. Hope it works for you! B.

Like anything in life, your outlook and attitude play an important role. We tried for about 8 years before we had a successful pregnancy. When we started IVF I was going to school, working full-time at a new job, overweight, not exercising, and very anxious about becoming pregnant. After a second unsuccessful IVF, I put things on hold for about a year because I was just exhausted from the physical effort and emotional roller coaster. I finished school, started eating healthier, lost weight, started exercising, and took up some hobbies for myself. My husband and I also became peaceful about the process. If this time wasn't successful then we would move on to adoption. (I was 47 at the time.) The third time with IVF we were successful and I now have a wonderful 17-month old son. While we took aggressive medical steps, I think another large contributing factor was that I was in great physical, mental, and emotional shape. Do your homework, take all the medical steps that you feel comfortable taking, and try to give yourself a little physical, emotional, and mental room to breathe. If you are happy with what you already have in life, then you will relieve a lot of pressure and can be open to whatever is meant to be. I hope that you are successful and wish you all the best.

Not only relax but you need to not be stressed. I stop taking birth control on dec. of 04 I didn't get pregnant until nov. of 06. I trully believe it was because of the amount of stress I was under at new job. Started job in april of 04 and quit in sept of 06 got pregnant 2 months later. Almost the entire time I worked there I was not taking any birth control. STRESS!!! does nothing good for the body. When I finally got pregnant I was so shocked because I really didn't think it was ever going to happen. I had given up by then.

GOOD LUCK!!!

Hi L., I'm sure those words can be annoying, but maybe the fact that you are not relaxed is one of the reasons why you are not getting pregnant. My son and my daughter inlaw have been trying for a bout 2 years now and nothing, they have went through the whole thing with check the temputure,tracking her cycles, you name it, aside of anything medical they have done, and love making became so machanical for them, they have both been checked out by a doctor and they were told there was no reason why they could not conceive. You mentioned you have a six year old, if you were on birth control before that, depending on how long you were on it, it may take a little bit longer that some, I'm going to tell you the same thing I told my kids, God knows we we are reading to have a baby, financialy, mentalyy, emotionally, and most important time to give a baby, hang in there, I won't tell you to relax, I promise. I think it is cool that you and your husband are planning this baby, we had 3 all planned, it's better that way, I think. I wish you guys well. J.

I was just like you! We started trying when my daughter was four - I didn't get pregnant until she was 10!

My advice - if you want another baby - don't relax - get active. Have an active approach to getting pregnant. Do research, find the best doctor, do the tests etc.

But also have an active life. Do things you love to do. Travel, camp, have fun with your little boy, date your husband, go to school, learn a trade or start a business. Don't let everything in life revolve around trying to get pregnant.
Take some action on the baby front every week - but also have a life that is joyful and fun. Don't deny how much it hurts but don't let it paralyze you. I used to do wild things to my hair every time something didn't work. I once had purple hair about 1/2 long!
If you do end up pregnant you won't feel like you wasted a couple of years of you and your son's life trying to get pregnant and if you don't get pregnant - your full life will help you as you grieve and go on.

ps- we ended up with the top fertility dr in our area who got us pregnant on our fifth inter-uterine insemination (with drugs too). Then we went on to have two more in the next four years - au naturale - go figure.
I nursed for 6 years and have been changing daipers for 8 - Be careful what you wish for:)

I seems that most of the responses have been geared toward more medical solutions (although I have not read them all), however, if it's possible perhaps you and your husband can get away for a romantic weekend. Somewhere you can reconnect, relax, maybe get a massage, a relaxing bath, have a nice dinner with a glass of wine (if you drink) and just make the most of great weekend before you return to the stresses of everyday life. Even if you cannot get away for a weekend, you can still try the other methods for relaxing. Good luck to you!

i know youve gotten great advice but ill give my 2 cents anyways lol... your still stressing even though you are keeping yourself busy. its very hard to get in that mind set of whatever about wanting a baby. it took me like a year (but you know that). just take it one day at a time ya know lol....

Hi L.,

I am going thru the same thing! EXACTLY. What I have been doing is a whole lot of praying. I cast my thoughts, worries, everything to God. I pray and ask for Him to be in control and bring me the peace and content that I need for the day then I pray again the next day. I put my trust in God and it helps. Keep the faith....

C.

yes, that monthly roller-coaster of anticipation, hope, and disappointment is rough! And who can blame you? It is a perfectly normal emotional response to not getting something you desire over and over. I found that having someone to talk to helped. Some people can pretend things don't bother them and avoid thinking about them, and there are times when the avoidance tactic is good for our soul, but this may not be that time for you... maybe let yourself feel the pain--with a friend who can lend an ear. Do you know anyone else who has been through it? They might be a good person to talk to (you can email me if you want, I've been there). I remember crying every time I saw a pregnant woman, wishing it were me.... I know you've heard this before, but what I had to keep in the back of my mind is that God had some plan for me and I was going to be a better person for it in the end. There were opportunities I was able to persue because I didn't get prego right away (like a cool job opportunity) and I did it, and then I got pregnant later that year. Don't put things off because of trying to get pregnant--do things that are FUN and make you smile! (I went skydiving and redecorated my bathroom)

try Dr. Van (she is an MD but practices holistic and alternative methods). she is amazing, in Paciic Palisades.
www.doctorvan.org

Talk to your OB about having the procedure where they shoot iodine into your fallopian tubes. The First issue is to check for obstructions (cysts, stuff like that).
The side effect of this procedure is that if there is a mucus buildup in the beginning of your tubes then this procedure will flush it all away.
I had this procedure done, and I had no obstructions. If you can believe this, I actually got pregnant one cycle after my procedure.I must have had a mucus build up that was flushed away. I am so thankful I had this done. For the life of me, I ca not remember what it is called. It had a very long name, and all I can remember is that it started with an H and ended with "agram". Please mention this to your doctor if you have not already had it done. My husband and I tried for a year to get pregnant.
Good luck!

I know exactly what you mean as well! We tried to get pregnant for 2 years and finally around the 2 year mark of trying we got pregnant with the help of Clomid. I used to get so annoyed with people when they would tell me to stop worrying about it and just relax. It's SO difficult to "just relax" when each month you are taking tests to see if you are pregnant and nothing is happening. Hard to not think about it when all you do is try.

Well, I decided to stop trying, went on a little mini vacation and a few days after we got back from our vacation we ended up conceiving. Not sure if it was coincidence or what, but it happened and we had our beautiful baby boy in July of last year.

Not that relaxing is the only thing you need to do sometimes to conceive but as hard as it was for me to accept it, I think relaxing your body and not stressing so much about what isn't going right for you, focus on the good and like you said, play with your son and spend time with him and maybe it'll bring on good baby vibes (I'm sending you some good vibes from me). A massage could be a great way to relax your body too and besides that, massages are just awesome anyway and any excuse to go get one of those is great! ;)

We are planning on trying some time towards the end of the year and a part of me is worried that we may have the same road to travel to have another precious child, but I just try to push those thoughts out of my head and think positive.

Was it easy for you to get pregnant with your son (meaning no issues, no fertility help)? My issue was a tumor on my pituitary gland that was making my pituitary gland overactive which was creating mass amounts of prolactin which is something you only produce high levels of when you are pregnant and are creating milk. After taking some meds to handle that aspect (given to me by an endocrinologist) we fixed the prolactin issue (which made my body already think it was pregnant) and then went on to fix the ovulation issue with the clomid. After taking clomid once we conceived.

I wish you all the luck and positive thoughts possible in all that you do and hope that things work out for you!

L.,

In my experience, there is nothing harder than wanting a baby and it not happening. I don't think anyone can understand how hard it is emotionally unless they've been there and done that. I think what you are feeling is normal, normal, normal. Relax? Yeah, right. I say take it one day at a time, if you get to a point where you feel you need counseling, get it. It also doesn't hurt to know what your next options are if the clomid doesn't work. I guess all I can say is "hang in there" and "good luck." I sincerely hope it all works and works soon!

T.

L.,
I did not read all of these but I thought I would add that acupuncture works by causing your body to relax. I have used it for years for pain. Just like they teach you Lamaze to relax during labor to reduce pain, well acupuncture causes very deep relaxation. I am one who has difficulty relaxing, and find acupuncture very restful. The needles cause the relaxation, you don’t have to try and relax, they do it for you. Women are 40% more likely to conceive using acupuncture to become pregnant. If you would like the number for my doctor of acupuncture shoot me an email. She is great.

A six yr old, working and school, it sounds like you are stressed already. Infertility is even more stressful than a divorce. Unfortunately, stress is the enemy of getting pregnant.
There isn't a whole lot you can do (other than the obvious) to control getting pregnant so let it go except for twice a month-when you're ovulating celebrate and when you're menstruating have a little mourning time for yourself. The main thing is to not stress.
It took me six months to get pregnant with my son so I don't know exactly, but I did have to work at this too.
My sister got pregnant immediately with her first and tried for 2 1/2 years for her second. They met with specialists and everything but she said what actually helped her was "Taking charge of your fertility" Toni Weschler, MPH. She said there are too many things that don't work and things they don't tell you. They got pregnant naturally and have had a third with no problems.
I wish you all the best. Good Luck.

Hi, L.,

As someone who struggled with infertility for some years and did not have kids until I was 40, I know how irritating it can be to hear "If you just relax, it will happen," and other ridiculous advice offered by people who know virtually nothing about fertility or infertility. Relaxing did not work for me. After many rounds of high-tech fertility treatment, I finally carried a baby to term. As a graduate psychology student and someone who has experienced infertility and infertility treatment, I highly recommend you read Unsung Lullabies by Drs. Diamond and Jaffe. The authors, psychologists, know what they are talking about, medically and psychologically. My husband and I drove down to San Diego to talk to one of them while we were struggling with infertility. I also highly recommend getting acupuncture from a good acupuncturist. I recommend mine, Dr. Leona Yeh, in Torrance. I wish that I could get acupuncture every week for the rest of my life.

I think that one is a great number of children to have, but if you really want another one and you've already gone through a few rounds of Clomid, then it may be time to talk to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). Dr. Sahakian of Pacific Fertility Center and the REs of Reproductive Partners are my favorites.

Good luck,
L. E

I have heard from several parents that they finally conceived after they started the adoption process. You're on the right track knowing that it'll help to relax about it, but I don't have any great advice for you about how.

So much good luck to you.

NAET.com,

Many infertility problems are due to allergies. You may want to log onto site NAET.com and be tested by an allergist. As far as I know, NAET.com is the only group of allergists who eliminate allergies.

Be well.

N.

You should try to get a message to help relax yourself and your body. Studies show that massages do more than we normally give them credit for. I think people say that you should get a massage once a month. But I just started going every week and my therapist can definately see and feel a difference in me. I can tell myself.

Hi L.,
I know you are working with your OB, but have you tried an ovulation kit? Hopefully that would not create more anxiety... Also, do you have a hobby? I know you are busy, but maybe 1/2 hour a day doing something you enjoy would help you relax. Maybe going for a walk?? Another aspect that is very important, is to have fun when you and your husband are making love...don't make it a chore. Count your blessing and try to mentally relax.
I wish you all the luck.

Have you looked into any hypnotherapy classes for conceiving? Usually practitioners of Hynpobirthing or Hypnobabies have experience using hypnotherapy for conception.

Best, J.

We tried for our second baby for one year straight and then we decided to just let it happen. And three weeks later I got pregnant! Don't stress really it will happen when it's suppose to!