Ideas on Discipline and Behavior Issues

S.,

Perhaps you are to quick to replace the broken items.
The natural consequence for destorying something is to be without. What I would suggest is that you go ahead and get something that they truly want. Let them know that you will not be replacing it if it get damage. And stick to it. Have an agreement of how long it will be before they get anything new. If you are replacing with new things all the time, no wonder that have no respect for the "old" toys.

With my whole heart, C.
Owner of Loving Connections LLC

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Wow, a major illness and you work from home at night you are taking on a lot! I highly reccomend Love and Logic, they have seminars and books as far as disciplining your kids this will help. Time out does not work. Use logical consequences like if they don't clean up messes you clean it up by giving it away to a charitable organization or in the garbage, ( and yes I know this sounds harsh but it WORKS!). Also, can you get the kids in some activities or pre-school? What will you do while you recover from your surgery? Remember the airplane analagy, get your oxygen first so you can then take good care of your family! So take care of yourself so you can get well from your surgery!

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I think that Patti gave you great advice. Children love a routine. Consistency is also a plus for them. Somehow you need to be able to grab their attention. My mother bribes my son a lot (against my wishes) and she never gets anywhere with it and it just teaches my son that he never has to take responsibility because grandma will always be there to save him. I strongly suggest that this is not a good way to deal with things. I know that you have a ton of things going on, but the hard work that you put into your kids now WILL pay off later. It takes a while for behaviors to change but you have to make sure that they know you are the mom and they will do what you say. They will test you constantly. Just try to channel all that energy in a separate direction.

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Sorry you are struggling so much with this! I know from my experience, sometimes it can take a bit of time for things to finally sink in and behaviors to change. I hope you will stop bribing them, because it puts them in a position of power- not good for kids to have over parents! Every child has something they value highly, and this is where your consequences can stem from. It might be different for both of them, and that's ok. They don't need to have the same consequence as long as the severity is equal for the same 'crime'. One of mine adored tv, but didn't care if he was in 'time-out'. He could do that all day, because he's a real introvert. My 2nd was the other way around. She couldn't stand to miss out on what was happening and hated to go her room. Those would be the basis for their consequences, respectively. I would figure out what the individual currency is for each child. After making them clean up, I would give them each the consequence that fits best for them The trick is to not give up and change what you're trying too quickly. They probably see it as you backing down. It can take repetition and consistency to make a difference! And depending on how strong-willed they are, you may initially see the bad behavior increase. But if you know they hate their particular consequence, keep giving it to them each time. They will eventually see that 1. You're not backing down, and 2. It is not worth it any more! They may grow frustrated at being thwarted and start crying- this is a good sign! it means they are beginning to recognize that they aren't winning! Hang in there, and I hope this helps!

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Hi there. My daughter is overly hyper and there was a time when I was at a total loss over how to handle her. I came across a book called the The Edison Trait: Saving the Spirit of Your Free-Thinking Child in a Conforming World by Lucy Jo Palladino. This book changed my world introducing me to my daughter's world and how she thinks. She is a bit more settled now but the important outcome after reading this book is that I'm not as frustrated with her actions and I am able to redirect her and give her appropriate environments where she is not destructive but is engaged and is learning while chalenging her mind. I highly recommend this book and I really think it can help. Best of luck to you!

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Hi S.,

have you ever tried Love & Logic? They have some good ideas, but it sounds like you are doing OK, it just takes patients, and kids figure out, "if I do this, Mom does that" and being consistent is important to kids. Get well soon, and it probably is contributing to your, and their stress as you go through your brain surgery. Love and logic might help.
http://www.loveandlogic.com/
Best Wishes, Shirley

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My favorite book for most parenting issues in this age range is - Love & Logic: Practical Parenting from Birth to 6 years. It is a quick read and really easy to apply. I highly recommend it.

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You might be interested in reading Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline. It has completely worked for me and my family.

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Google a Love and Logic class in your area. You can also pick up the book. The class offers a great technique in showing your children appropriate ways to behave and act. I really learned a lot from the class!

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Hi S.,
You have been given some great techniques to try by the other Moms. The only thing I have to add is to remember that nothing works the first time. Few things work the first five times. Consistancy is the key. When they know that you are serious and will not back down or change your strategy because you are frustrated, then they will have really learned the consequence of their behavior.
Take care,
B.

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Well it definately sounds like you have a full plate. Maybe with all the medical stuff going on your kids are feeling the stress and tension and with family and friends helping out maybe they need some more one on one time with mommy. When my boys were little I gave them a chore chart and when they completed their chores they got to pick a sticker at the end of the week we would do something little. like make a lunch and go to the park or go swimming or skating etc it never cost a whole lot but they loved it and it was a special time for me to enjoy each one individually. They tried hard to make sure they got their stickers and it even came to the point where they would help each other so nobody missed out. Good luck and I hope all goes well with your illness.

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Wow you have a lot on your plate, best wishes on your recovery. What I found that is helping me with my 6 year old is a sticker chart. She loves using it because after so many stickers she can earn prizes ( tv, computer time, or little gifts) Its not bribing its an award. After a day of playing she has to pick up the area that she plays in and any toys that have wandered into the "forbidden" zones. I have set up the house so that she knows that there is the family room that we all share, and her room to play in and then the rest of the house is off limits. With her room I told her she can be as messy as she wants, the funny thing was after I let go of the room battle, she now cleans it up without me asking. I also have a friend that set up with her boys ( 5 and 3) that they have bins with different toys in them and they are only allowed to have 1 bin out and if they want to change toys they have to pick up the first one. We use the rule to clean up before she goes on to the next and it helps her not feel so overwhelmed when clean up time does come. When we first started she was very resistant and so I told her if I have to clean them up the toys become mine, then she would then have to wait several days and earn them back. Good luck with everything.

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I highly recommend the books Dont Make Me Count to 3 by Ginger Plowman and Making Kids Mind Without Loosing Yours by Kevin Leman. They offer good practical advice.

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I highly recommend 1-2-3 Magic and Parent Effectiveness Training. We used both of these books as texts in my college parenting class and they both made a huge difference in my learning to parent my children. 1-2-3 Magic showed me how to seperate my own emotions from disciplining my children (3, now all teens). It also helps to create consistency and emphasises appropriate consequences. P.E.T helped me to differentiate what was my problem and what was theirs to solve, how to communicate with them and how to view my children as capable of solving problems and dealing with their own emotions and conflicts with simply support from me.

I just wanted to share that there is a difference between "bribing" and "rewarding". Bribes come before the desired behavior. Rewards come after. Rewards reinforce behavior, bribes do not.

It may also be helpful to keep in mind that emotional acting out may be contributing to the boys' behavior. With a situation as stressful as potentially life-threatening illness and surgery, there is a lot of fear that gets stirred up and children are extremely sensitive to all the nuances happening around them. Destructive behavior may be how they are playing out their fears of their own lives being 'destroyed' by mom's health or even how the normalcy was 'destroyed' for a period of time. It may be helpful to create some close, one-on-one time for each of the children for them to really feel your love and assurances. Best wishes, T.

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I also highly suggest Parenting with Love and Logic.

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