You seem to easily recognize your husbands faults, which is always easy to do. However, perhaps you have a few things to shine some light on within yourself.
You can't see the love for him coming back because you are waiting to love someone else. Are you mentioning the new friend in counseling? One of the first steps is to be honest. Or perhaps the counseling is needed so that you and your husband can be good parents in your own separate worlds, but still be honest and say you don't want to be in the marriage.
As well, you should spend minimal time talking about the past and more time talking about what you will do in the future to mend the pain and hurt you have caused each other. Think about this, if your 5 year old had trouble making a perfect letter O, would you show him all his mistakes or focus on how to make a perfect O? Do the same with your marriage.
Getting a job would be great for someone who is feeling stuck. I believe everyone should have their own freedom and with that freedom comes money. I won't stay home until I am retired. We share/combine our income and expenses, but no one is going to tell me what I can and cannot do.
You don't mention your background or education, but you mention you need to find a job and save money and keep the kids where they are. Well, when did you plan to leave your husband? I have a job and know that it is very expensive to live on your own and contribute toward the family you have already made. If you get a job, your current husband will wonder why you get to save your money and his money pays the bills. Again, you have to be honest.
So back to the new friend. If I understand this correctly, you and your husband have a troubled marriage and you have a new guy on the back burner that you have made an agreement that nothing will happen until you leave. How was that casual talk? Did you discuss it over a cup of coffee? Does your husband know he is supporting and feeding a woman that is visiting someone else? Golden rule...how would you like it if you were working and he was planning his next big shebang?
I totally get it, marriage is difficult and it can really suck sometimes. But I think you need to be honest with yourself and start taking a look at a few of your own issues before you move on to the next relationship. Maybe your issues don't have a clinical polished name, however, they will follow you to your next relationship.