I had a BIG international career for 17 years, found my husband and had children in my mid-late 30s. We have always lived conservatively and kept our material wants in check. As such, I have had the luxury of staying home with my 3 great children for the last 8 years. We are by no means wealthy, but we don't "need" the money from me working. My son is a senior and ready to go off to college in the fall, my twins are heading in to high school. All of them are wonderful people on good and solid trajectories.
Being an older mom and really planning for my children, i have done a lot for my family on a daily basis as well as a strategic basis. My husband of 23 years is steady and provides well for us. But I am frustrated. I expect my children to pick up after themselves and pitch in. One helps more than the other two. Dishes left in the sink in the morning, clothes that don't make it into the hamper, beds unmade, trash over flowing, stuff always left in the car, Help is rarely offered, but will be done if I ask....but I am tired of asking the same thing over and over and over. I feel disrespected and dumped on. Am I expecting too much for my family to pick up after themselves? To each give a small hand in daily living? It makes a big difference.
This weekend, I was browsing a website and happened upon a job posting that would be fun, rewarding, refreshing and for which I am very well qualified. Further, they subsidize your children's college tuition as a benefit. I briefly spoke with my husband about it before he left on a business trip and he said it was OK with him, but I don't need to work. I dusted off my resume, wrote a pretty good cover letter if you ask me and submitted it. While nothing may come of the job, it did cause me to really look deeply at why I would even consider going back to work if it's not a necessity.
Here's what I came up with.
I loved to work when I was working. I'm bored at home and feel disrespected and dumped on ( my fault - but I don't know how to fix it after so many years). I don't want to leave my husband, or upset our household relationships but I do need more fulfillment (oh that sounds so selfish!). I'm lonesome. The college subsidy would be a big bonus toward our retirement. This particular job would be professional and in a very uplifting environment. I could tickle my brain learning new things. I'd have spending money of my own ( my husband is very generous about that and never makes me feel funny about spending - (probably because I am frugal).
So am I just being lazy not keeping my nose to the grindstone and finishing my kids for their life launch? Am I being selfish wanting something more exciting than constantly being hip deep in laundry, running the shuttle and being Procurement Manager and cook for the family? I feel like I am abdicating my responsibilities. They say that it's OK if I want to go back to work, but that "being a mother" is the most important job there is. (No guilt there- smile.)
Let me know your thoughts. I love Mamapedia when I am looking for diverse thoughts on my decisions. Thank you!
one short short answer
GO FOR IT!!!
are you serious? you have one going off to college, two in high school, and time for everybody to learn how to do laundry and make a sandwich, in meantime, go shopping for work clothes.
i envy you right now a whole lot. i can't wait for my day to go back to work.
Your children aren't infants. You gave them your all when they needed it, and now you need to do something for you. This in no way diminishes your role or value as a mother - in fact, it may increase it because, as the old saying goes, "When Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." It's not lazy nor selfish to want more from the day-to-day than laundry.
good heavens! going back to work doesn't mean you'll be abandoning your kids! (it WILL make them step up to the plate more, which is a good thing!) and it sounds like it's the perfect time for you to do it! a great fun opportunity, college help AND putting some much-needed pizazz back into your life?
you don't stop being a mother when you have a career.
i say jump on this like a big dog!
:) khairete
S.
Actually I think it would be a good "role model" move for you, your kids are at an age that will help them appreciate a work ethic if you decide to go back. It will also allow you to make the "chore list" for home and they better stick by it since you wont be there picking up and doing for them 24/7 anymore.
I'd say if you have that "urge" go for it, if you dont like it afterall you can just stop.... not many moms have that choice.
We all choose different paths and there is no right or wrong path. I truly hate the mommy wars because staying home vs. working -- no right answer. You do what works for you and your family at the time. It sounds like you're ready to work outside the home. You can still be a great mom and work. In fact, your kids may learn a lot more independence if you're not there to do everything for them.
I have my own business as a freelance writer and work part-time. I've always gone back to work at 6 weeks pp and have zero regrets. It's what's worked best for me and my family. I would not be a good SAHM full-time. Some moms have the natural knack for it; I don't. On the same note, I don't think working full-time would be right for us, either.
Do what seems right to you and have no regrets. It sounds like you've put your career on the back burner a really long time and if you can find something that fulfills you, go for it!
M M ;-)
It's the old saying/image of the mom on the airplane that is about to go down.. "Put the oxygen on yourself first!".. I never got that for the longest while.. but now I do and it makes perfect sense! If YOU are not happy, healthy, stable, full of life and love for yourself... won't be much to offer from inside your heart.
You have done a wonderful job as mother, so don't think you haven't been working all these years.. ! But now your children are VERY strongly supported and on their paths and you are requiring that oxygen mask, to bring you a sense of new life, adventure, self love and self enjoyment.
GO FOR IT! You are not being selfish ONE BIT! You didn't mention much about the job you are interviewing for with regard to whether it involves travel or how much time it will take away from your present "job" around the home, but it seems that what you are entertaining will be something you can manage along with your home life.
The happier you are inside, the happier your world will be on the outside, as well as those in it.
Like they say on the apprentice (not) "You're Hired!"
hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner
Hello
When a mom isn't happy, often a household isn't happy.. Therefore, it's important that you do something that makes you happy and more fulfilled. Goals change too. Initially, it was a goal of yours to raise a family and for the most part you have. your children are nearly grown and sounds like, you've done a WONDERFUL job.. Now do something for you.. check that job out, see if it's something you are truly interested in. Hey, it can't hurt....
The job sounds VERY inviting.... don't your owe it to yourself to feed your creativity and as you say, tickle your brain with new things. I say give it a whirl and see how it goes... IF anything, by applying for it and possibly having an interview, this will at least give you more perspective as to your next possible move... keep us posted!! best of luck
No you are not lazy or selfish. I am a full time working mom of two. While I love my children very much, I am not the stay at home mom type. I don't feel guilty about it, either. I have a great career and am the breadwinner in my household. I am proud of that! Just remember a happy mom is a good mom. You go do your thing!
Wanting to go to work in no way makes you a lazy person. Just typing that sentence felt like an oxymoron to me!
I completely agree with the general consensus here, if you feel like it's the right time to go back to work then that's exactly what you should do. If you're waiting for all the stars to align & there to be a clear-cut sign that it's time, you're going to be waiting forever. You need to trust your gut & try to leave the emotional aspect out of it.
I do think that since you're in a nice situation where it's not a necessity, then you should take your time & make sure that it's the right job for you & your family (no more hours than you're comfortable with, travelling, etc.).
You go girl!!! Moms are people too!!!!
I don't think you are being lazy or selfish at all, especially considering that this job would subsidize your kids' college tuition. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled, and your kids are plenty old enough to take on some extra responsibilities at home. I definitely think you should go for it.
This is going to sound like a lecture, but I'm not shaking a finger at you.
Make sure you're not thinking of going back to a paying job to run away from the frustrations of your non-paying one. Your family, especially your children, WILL sense it and react accordingly.
In your post I'm hearing a "grass is greener" tone about that career position. Maybe it would indeed be terrific and you'd be successful at it. But you know what they say about grass; if yours isn't as green, water it. The question is how.
Find out how to fix the problems where you are. They're not unusual problems. Children need to be taught a work ethic as well as work habits... and, like employees, they will not do as much what the boss expects as what the boss inspects. Learning living skills, and learning to work as a family team, is their job. How you feel about them as they learn/not learn is not their problem; it's yours.
One of the principal challenges of being an SAHM is cabin fever/loneliness. But you have to take care of that yourself. Why are you bored? What is lacking specifically? If it's human contact, are there other options for acquiring it? I'm not saying to ditch the going-back-to-work idea; I'm saying to consider ALL the options you have.
If you feel dumped on at home, that is your problem, not your family's. Only you can make you happy. You could have perfect, obedient children and still be unhappy. It's up to you. Your husband may feel underappreciated right now, too. Your children may feel that way. You don't say how old your children are, but if they're teenagers you can count on their feeling underappreciated! It goes with the territory.
These are just things for you to think about. I'm writing from a perspective of having been a young-ish mother in the '70s and '80s, when women were instructed that homemaking was stultifying and every woman owed it to herself to be a real person... which came ONLY by acquiring money and career status. I was the oddball (very odd) - for a while, practically the only oddball I knew - for sticking at home. I know the struggles of being an SAHM, and I also saw the results of women who thought the grass was greener away from their family and found out the green was only painted on.
Thus the seeming lecture! Just take your time - don't jump - think everything through long-term. And don't be angry if you get other strong feelings from people who respond to your post.
I say Go For IT! I believe a new job for you would be great! Especially with the college subsidy for three children-that for me would be hard to resist......Make out lists of what needs to be done at home, post it with their names on it (you stated things get done if you ask-here you are asking!) and off you go....for your husband, you could meet out for happy hour, or dinner once in a while, making time for you both before you head home to "whatever" is there! With technology today, you have email, cell phone contact should your children need you, they are old enough to where they really don't, but you are all connected. Friday night through Sunday night-you are Mom again, goddess to the laundry, and stove and grocery shopping! I don't believe you are being selfish or lazy at all...And, if a Monday through Friday gig is to much, go part time and have both worlds...Good Luck!
M M,
I agree--go for it!
Sounds like a great opportunity for you, with the added bonus of tuition considerations for the future.
You've given it a great go and hung in there for a lot of time. It's HARD being home full time.
I'll bet when you have a FT schedule, your kids might learn to pitch in more, simply b/c you're NOT there and that would really be a bonus AND an important life-launch lesson for all of them!
Hope you get an offer!
Go for it! I had a medium career for only 10 years before leaving last year to take care of my first child. I knew then and have confirmed now that I am *not* SAHM material. While I can certainly see why other moms find it truly rewarding, I'm finding it just repetitive and unchallenging (well, the not sleeping part is a challenge). I'd imagine if you had a big career for that long, that's just the type of person you are.
Just because you're the woman and the mom does not mean you're solely responsible for raising the kids. Does not mean you're a bad mom if you go back to work. In fact, if you are happier at work and your brain is getting exercised, you may be a *better* mom, just not for as many hours of the day.
Being a mother is an extraordinarily important job, but you can't sacrifice you in the process. If your children see a bored, resentful mom sick of the day-to-day grind, they will not be as happy. If they see a powerful, go-get-em, successful career woman, they will internalize that and probably feel more empowered themselves. Who knows, you may even find that they start helping out more around the house, since it's no longer your full time job!
Sorry - I bristle at the notion that "a mother's place is at home". If you feel your kids can handle daycare or a nanny, do that for them and go back to being you. If they can't, then maybe your husband can be a SAHD while you work. Absolutely no reason whatsoever AT ALL that you should feel a shred of guilt for wanting a career just because you're a woman.
ETA: Somehow I read that you were home with the kids for 8 years and assumed they were all young children. Just noticed they are in high school. OF COURSE go get a job! :D
No! You are not lazy. You can work your new job if you get it and be rewarded that way AND come home and still be there for your family. You are not leaving them. Now is the time to really try to get each child to pitch in and do their part. You and your husband together should sit them three of them down and give them each a chart showing the things they are to do to help out as a family. I hope you get the job - it sounds like a great move in life to me! I would do the same thing!
Oh My Goodness! OF COURSE you should GO FOR IT!
It is NEVER a question of what is the 'RIGHT' way to be a Mom. It's only a question of 'WHAT IS THE THING THAT FEELS RIGHT FOR YOU"!
If you feel it's time for you to get your own life back, than it IS time!
They will have to figure out how to use the damn dishwasher or eat off dirty dishes!
(I say say this with COMPLETE conviction and yet I am in a similar place with a few minor differences. My oldest is off to college this year, my youngest is in 8th. But I don't have a 'profession' of sorts, however I AM ready on many levels to 'get a life'. We have an enormously happy relaxed healthy household. There are a thousand different reasons for it but the CORE is that I'm HOME, and I'm HAPPY being HOME! Just lately though, like you, I am thinking I have time and energy to do something ELSE as well. And the lives of a ZILLION people will be effected, and no, it's not really about finances either.)
Anyway, I'm rootin' for you either way!
Sounds like you are ready to return to working outside the home. Go for it! If the job looks promising, apply for it. Many times we can't plan our lives precisely. Your kids are older. Their seeing you work will teach them other things. My kids see there are times I would prefer not going to work, but I made a commitment to my employer so you go. They see me go to work on time. They see their are times I am scheduled to work and I can't get the day off, so I can't go to the fun activity. All important life lessons too.
I think the most important thing is for mothers who want to work, to work and mothers who prefer to stay home, to stay home. I think the imbalance of wanting to work and not or wanting to be at home and having to work is where the problems are. We are different and approach this differently. I had a short period of time where I stayed home. I hated it! I hate being that dependent on my husband. I work with mostly women. Over the years I have seen several women whose husbands died suddenly. I can't imagine how much harder that would be if I had no job at the time. Not everyone is like me and that's fine. If you are ready to go back to work...GO!
My mom was unbelievably dedicated as a SAHM but even she went back to work when we got older! I didn't mind at all. It was part time so she still cooked and cleaned but you could hire someone to help you if you're going full time. We have a friend who was the first female partner in a prestigious law firm. (She's older than us). She said by the time her kids got to HS, all their friends came to talk to her and had little respect for their own mothers because they didn't work. They had the attitude of "what do they do all day?" This was in a wealthy community at a ridiculously expensive private school so odds are these mothers weren't really taking care of the house themselves and didn't do much. I certainly never wondered what my mother did all day bc I knew she was cooking and cleaning etc. But it was interesting to hear that teenagers were impressed with a working mom as her kids were (and she worked their entire lives). I think so long as you don't suddenly dump everything on the kids, never make it to events etc, they will be impressed in the long run to see what you can do. You already had a big career so probably can give good advice anyway but being back in the workforce will help you relate to and guide your kids too as they approach that stage of life.
