January 18, 2008,
S.M. asks from Aurora, CO on December 28, 2007
"I Want One More Child, but My Husband Has Been Totally Against It"
I am a mom of 2 children, 4 1/2 son and a 2 1/2 daughter. After having my daughter I thought I was done, I had the perfect family, one of each. Once my daughter was a year and a half, I started having these desires to have one more. I just kept feeling like something was missing and that was 1 more child. I have been explaining this to my husband and of course he doesn't know what that feeling is like and is always looking at the financial aspect of things. I am happy that I have 2 healthy children and we can give them everything they want in life, but I just don't feel "DONE". I am trying to get over it and my husband and I have had MANY conversations about 1 more. He is now telling me to have my birth control taken out and we will just see what happens. I can't just go and do that knowing that he doesn't want any more children and I have been trying to prove to him what I feel for 1 year now. How do I make a decision if 1 more is truly something he would want, just doesn't want to admitt it after I have been arguing about it for so long or is he just telling me this in hopes that it makes me a happier person??
1 mom found this helpful
C.B. answers from Phoenix on December 29, 2007
I think his request to stop using birth control was only a means of pacifying you. You wore him down, he's tired, and he replies "stop taking it and we'll see". It kind of sounds like a way of getting you to stop talking about it so much (- a smart way of doing it? - not necessarily). I don't mean to sound harsh. But I definitely disagree with everyone saying to go ahead and stop taking it. You can not go ahead and try to get pregnant unless you are 100% sure you and him are 100% on the same page and in agreement. If you are not, you will be heading down a road that may not be a good one and that isn't fair to you, your two kids already or him. It's just a HUGE decision and you both have to feel EXACTLY the same way. He may agree with you and go for it, but if he doesn't, you may have to come to terms with that. Good luck!
C.B. answers from Fort Collins on December 31, 2007
Babies are really cute and cuddly and it's easy to want another and then another, but they grow up. Your husband is obviously looking at the reality. Kids are expensive. Do you want to be able to afford everything and be comfortable or put a strain on life? I guess ask yourself if your family would ever be able to go on vacation again or be financially stressed. It sounds like your husband knows this will be an issue. The couples with 3 kids in my family don't do anything except hang out at home because they can't afford it. Not being able to go anywhere, they are really missing out on being exposed to the outside world. Just something to think about....
M.C. answers from Denver on January 18, 2008
If he's not real thrilled about having another child, you really don't want to ruin your marriage with that, think of how horrible it would be to be a single mother of 3 kids. Sometimes we miss our children being babies so much, we want that back and having more gives us that satisfaction for a short period of time. But no matter what, they grow up daily and at some point we have to realize that one of our kids has to be the baby. A lot of marriages end because one parent, usually the M., is so involved with their kids, they forget about their husband.
If he's finally giving in just to get your to stop talking about the subject, that may not be so good. He's satisified with his family, but your not, so maybe you can find other things to concentrate on, like babysitting some kids, working in a preschool, things to fill that need of having a baby around again.
R.Y. answers from Denver on January 05, 2008
Sometimes challenges seem so big when we are looking forward. Try imagining yourselves as an 80 year old couple looking back and see what this situation looks like from much later in your lives.
C.C. answers from Pueblo on December 29, 2007
I agree with the other moms, go ahead and get rid of the birth control but in the mean time try getting both of you to volunteer in taking care of babies like working in a church nursery or at the YMCA nursery, something like that. Get both of you together and around babies and see what comes of that. Good luck
R. answers from Phoenix on December 28, 2007
I know how you feel because I have been there. I think if he is giving you the green light to go ahead and have your birth control taken out and see what happens then I don't think that he is totally against it. I personally think that you should take him up on that offer. If his answer was no and set in stone then I would look into going to a marriage counselor and seeing what it would take to make you both happy and come to a agreement. There is nothing wrong with getting advice from someone that can look at both parties perspective's.
The best of luck to you both. Feel free to let me know how it goes.
S. answers from Denver on December 29, 2007
Hello, I'm in the same situation. I have 2 wonderful boys and would like another child. My husband is happy with our family as is. I have been pleading my case for almost 2 years. Several months ago, he finally agreed to start trying and see what happens. I know he has agreed to this to make me happy. But I can't picture him regretting having another child once that child is here.
If you feel he will resent you or the child, then don't. He probably has agreed because he sees how badly you want one and he loves you and wants to make you happy. If it were only up to him, than you would probably be done. But it's not only him that gets to decide. There are two of you to decide and he is doing what many people do in a marriage, compromise.
R.P. answers from Denver on December 28, 2007
To be honest with you, I too, have been wanting another one for awhile now. At one particular time we did try but it did not work. So we then sat back and said together maybe God is trying to tell us that we need to be financially stabled first. We know nothing is wrong with us physically yet we do know that we are not financially ready if it happened right this moment. At first is was me wanting another one and he did not. Then when he wanted another one, I did not. Finally we both wanted one and we did not. So we think that God is trying to prepare us financially before we decided to try again.
Your hubby may have been thinking of the financial burdens another child can bare on the family at this particular time. When he thought about his love for you he is really saying...I love her and I have to give my wife what she wants. My hubby was the same way. You both have to be ready for it emotionally before you just think of yourself and kinda force him to make the decision with you.
My hubby and I decided that since I just got hired into my job full-time, our daughter will be getting registered soon for public school (out of expensive daycare), he will be focusing on getting this union (more income) job he has applied for, we will purchase a bigger home, then we can start planning for another child. We want another one together now but we just think it is God who is guiding us for the future instead of us making a burden for ourselves by taking on more when we can be patient and finanicially stable for this situation. We both agree and will go from there. Maybe you should see if the finanical stability thing is really his main concern and go from there? Good Luck!
J.C. answers from Phoenix on December 28, 2007
I say, that perhaps you and your husband really need to have a deeper discussion about this and sit down together and make a decision. Write out the pros and cons of another child and see if it might change what even you are wanting.
We also have children the exact ages of yours and we are trying to decide if we should have more. In our situation, we both want another child, the issue is whether or not we should have two more. Because our children will be further apart in age, will that third child be treated differently if we only have one more? A fourth child would really change the mix and it would be harder to rent a car, pay for sports, dance lessons, music lessons and the like. I was one of five children and I loved having a big family, but we never had money to support our interests. I always wanted to be in dance, but there was never money to do so. We all played sports, but that was all there was money for. There are so many pros and cons to having another child, just make sure you are doing it for all the right reasons and that your husband isn't agreeing to it to just appease you. A child is always a blessing, whether planned or unplanned and a child should never be viewed as a burden. Hopefully this is something that your husband has truly thought about and is doing this because he wants it too. Just have a heart to heart and get all of your feelings out. Good luck.
J.T. answers from Denver on December 29, 2007
I know a family who was in your same situation - they had another (basically as a result of a sole decision made by the mother) and the husband always felt angry about it and now they're divorced. Adding another child to the mix without buy-in and support from both parents is a very risky proposition. Maybe your "something missing" is really about something else. Maybe you should consider talking to a professional about it...
T.N. answers from Phoenix on December 29, 2007
My cousin wanted more kids but her husband was satisfied with 2 mostly due to financial reasons. She pressured him and told him she felt "right" about it after praying (major spiritual manipulation in my opinion) and just knew they were supposed to have more (I personally think there's no amount you're "supposed" to have. It's whatever you BOTH feel comfortable with and decide on TOGETHER). Well, she's very strong-willed and usually gets what she wants and this was no exception. So they have 4 kids and are always stressed financially. He has to work 2 jobs to support the family since he doesn't really make much money, and she constantly complains to me about how he's always gone working and not around the kids and her needs go unmet as well. He foresaw this situation occurring and was wise in wanting fewer children. I can't help but think he knew what he was talking about and she should have listened to him. So now he doesn't get to be around the kids he has because they had more than they can afford. It's not fair to him that she didn't consider his feelings and the financial burden he carries. Or emotional burden. My husband feels stretched thin and exhausted from the 2 kids we have and doesn't think he could handle 2 more and be the good father he is now if we were to have more children. He is very involved and patient and helpful. I want this to continue, and so I need to seriously consider his feelings. I don't want to stretch him beyond his limits.
I'm in your situation, but I have not pressured my husband too heavily because I don't want to do something he isn't comfortable with. It's his choice as much as it is mine. Obviously I don't feel as strongly as you do about having another child. I agree with the advice directly below mine.
K.D. answers from Denver on December 28, 2007
Wow, does this sound familiar. Of course, our situation was a bit different, but I say if he's saying go for it, go ahead. For us, we "can't" get pregnant without help, so my husband agreed to not use bc, and see what happened. Now I'm in my second trimester with a baby who shouldn't be here by the doctor's statement. My husband is very excited now, even though he wasn't sure even when we found out we were pregnant. Only you can decide why he's saying this, but if he really wants to see what happens, try it out!
T.K. answers from Phoenix on December 29, 2007
He told you to stop using birth control, so stop. He has 2 kids, men just dont get excited like women but he is obviously wanting to make you happy so stop using it and see what happens. Your kids are young enough it is not going to make that much of a difference.
M.Z. answers from Reno on December 29, 2007
You can't make that decission for him. The fact that he is willing to try is a big step. That may be his way of telling you he wants it too. What were his feelings on kids before you had any? Did you guys discuss how many you wanted? If it was always going to be just 2 then you wanting more is a huge deal because he never planned for it and now has to support financially and emotionally another child. Personally we always knew we wanted more than 2. The reason we aren't planing on more is financial, not because we don't make darn cute kids and love them all to pieces. Your husbands feelings may run in that catagory. Can I support one more. Keep talking it out.