I Want Another Baby but We Have Bad Financial Situations

Your husband sounds like he has invested some good thought in this. You also sound young. So wait a few years. And not just for financial reasons...But also so it is something you both want. No parent should have to be "persuaded" to have another child. It should be equally wanted by both.

You might get advice that "the time is never going to be perfect -- So just go for it." Or others might advise you about WIC and other government programs. They might go so far as to say, "That is what the programs are there for." But I am going to calmly disagree and advise you to think about such advice very carefully. Safety nets are for emergencies. They are not for people who know they cannot afford another child and have one anyway. My taxes pay for these programs and it rankles a bit when people lean on them so unconscionably.

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Thank Mother Nature for designing women with a yen for babies. It's built into our systems, from hormones to body to brain. And historically necessary for the survival of the species, considering all the disease, famine, war, and other catastrophes humanity is subject to.

But unlike other creatures, humans have the ability to override natural impulses by using reason to make other choices. Human population is growing at such an alarming rate that our children and grandchildren may have to deal with a lesser quality of life. Now that we are such a successful species that we are polluting the planet, crowding out other creatures, and even threatening the climate that all life has adapted to, it's time to place a higher value on our ability to make rational choices. That shift in focus can make a difference in how we feel. We can even end up feeling great about making the best possible choice for the good of all.

It is possible to stop suffering over this, if your focus in on cultivating peace and happiness and investing yourself fully in the blessings you already have (I say this as a woman who adores infants, but stopped with one child of my own). Since your husband isn't subject to the hormonal longings you are feeling (and part of that is that you have given birth), he's already in rational mode. So you apparently have other good reasons not to have a child – the long-term success of your family unit, for example.

You might put your love of children to good use by getting a job working with children or babies. Even volunteer work. There are babies born with drug habits whose little lives you could improve by being available to hold and rock them, for example.

I wish you the best. The feelings you have are somewhat like physical hunger. Just because we feel hungry doesn't mean we can eat everything we crave. What we want may be unavailable, it may be unhealthy, it may simply be too much. Think about how you calm your physical appetites to assuage suffering, and translate that approach to the baby hungries.

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If 1 person in the marriage does not want another child then their wishes should be respected.

Sounds like your hubby has thought things out. It is a big committment which does take a lot of money and sacrifices by the parents. He already has another child he is supporting.

Going into the situation in financial distress will only push you further into financial issues. What kind of quality of life can you provide? College? What is there is a medical condition? A lot of things to consider vs simply basing a decision on your feelings and hormones.

At most, wait until you are not in so much financial trouble and revisit the situation in 6+ months or so.

And....... Don't "accidently" get pregnant. We had a neighbor do that..... he didn't want another, she just skipped a few pills and ta-da she got pregnant. He knew what happened... Not a good situation for them right now...trust and respect is gone.

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You don't indicate how bad your financial situation is. Are you having trouble paying for your basic needs, or is it that your just not financially secure. I've said this several times before on this site. I am a firm beleiver that you should not bring a child into this world that you can not financially support without any financial/goverment assistance (including housing, food, clothing and utilities).

Just as important, or maybe even more, is that you and hubby don't want the same thing. Therefore, should you decide to have another child, this along with financial stress are a recipe for disaster.

It sounds like you love children. Maybe you might want to consider doing some babysitting. This would give you the opportunity to earn some extra income.

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I wouldn't push it if my husband was against it. In fact, I am desperate for a third but my husband isn't, so we are stopping. Relationships are hard enough, to throw an unwanted kid into the mix? No thanks.

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If your husband is completely against it -regardless of your financial situation, you shouldn't do it until or unless he comes around! Having another baby when he doesn't want one is going to cause stress in your relationship and lots of resentment -sometimes toward the child. Throw financial problems on top of that and you've got a really bad situation!

There's nothing wrong with wanting another child, but until you're in a better place to have another, you shouldn't do it. These folks telling you all the cuts and scrimps they do to have large families also don't mention a husband who was completely against it. One of the posts sounds like the husband is definitely into it as well. Your finances may improve, so when they do, then maybe your husband will change his mind.

You never know how expensive your child may be -you could have a special needs child who requires a number of services or surgeries or something that your insurance doesn't completely cover. You also need to think about what you want to do with your children and give them in the future. My parents paid for my college education and I didn't party it away or not appreciate it! They also took me all over the world and I want to do those things for my kids as well. Braces, extra-curricular activities like football or band or just playing an instrument -all of those things are expensive but very worthwhile and I want to be able to do that for my children.

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You both have to agree to it or it's a no go.
If finances are so bad you would have a hard time feeding more kids, it would be hard for them to be hungry.
My Mom had my sister so I wouldn't be lonely and I spent my time wishing I was an only child. There were 2 voices in our house and it was constant bickering till we moved out. "Ma, she knocked my blocks down!" "Ma, she hit me and pulled my hair!" "MA, she broke my crayons!".
You have this idea what it might be like, but there's no guarantee the reality will be anything like it.

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You are getting good answers. Now is the time to think really hard about the said finances. As one poster noted hubby has another child and that is a good chunk of money that is eliminated from your little family. Is there any way that you could work for a bit and help get out of the financial straits? I know you want to stay home but if you worked and helped get the finances straight hubby might "consider" another child.

Remember this it takes two to make a child and it takes two to raise them. If hubby is not on board don't push the issue and be happy with the one you got. Just think you did get to have a baby and many women don't so don't push it and have a resentful husband and maybe no marriage.

The economy right now is doing a number on many people and many dreams have had to change. The old saying 9 months is easy but 18 years are hard and costly. So cool the baby craze.

The other S.

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yes, many people manage more babies with less money, and yes, everyone's babies are their treasures. that doesn't mean it's wise or prudent to have babies that one cannot afford.
and apart from your financial situation, the HUGE caveat here is that your husband isn't on board with it. he should have an equal say.
i hope you do indeed have another baby (or four) but i sure hope you make sure that you both want them all, and that you are able to provide for them all.
khairete
S.

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Being in financial stress can take a toll on a marriage thus interrupting your parenting skills. Most times babies fit right into the mix and you really don't even notice. But if you and hubby cant get on the same page before conception it could create bad marriage problems and you wouldnt want to raise children in a bickering, financially strained household.
Convince him first before getting pregnant.
Poor people love their kids just as much as rich people do. It's really about the love and not the money -when it all boils down.

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My kids are 8 years apart. Any reason you can't have it both? Get financially more stable and THEN have #2?

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Is there any chance in the near future that your financial situation will improve?

This might seem cold, but think about the future - not just the "I want another baby" feeling right now, but the fact that down the road, you need to think about the cost of things like braces, driver's ed, and college (unless you expect your children to pay for it all themselves). "Extras" while they are younger, like swim lessons or piano lessons or a nice vacation, may not be possible if you have more than one. And I am assuming your husband is paying child support for his other daughter, so that is a chunk of change right there. You may have had a happy childhood, but with 4 kids and no money, your parents might have been completely stressed out to the max.

I know how you feel - my hubby has 2 kids from his first marriage and we have a 3 year old now, and sometimes I've felt like it would be nice to give her a full sibling (my 2 stepsons live with their mom out-of-state and are teenagers already, so DD doesn't get to see them much). But money-wise it doesn't make sense, and I had some medical issues after having DD that would make any subsequent pregnancies higher risk (not to mention that I am 38 already). So right now, I am kinda with your husband on this one. Unless both of you are on board with having another child, and financially it makes sense, I would hold off for now.

4 moms found this helpful

it's called biology. we are all hardwired to want to procreate. and we all feel that pull. but we were also given logic and self awareness. try to be patient with that part of you that instinctively wants more babies - that's why we are different than animals. work for what you want, get into a position where it is feasible. good luck.

4 moms found this helpful

Although it is difficult to suppress our urges to have kids whenever we want them, part of being responsible parents is in realizing when we have to space our children, for financial, health, or emotional reasons. Spend the next few years focusing all your efforts on improving your financial situation, and then start trying for a baby. There's nothing wrong with having age gaps with your kids.

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work towards being financially sound then have another, my kids are 6 years apart and its awesome!

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I feel this way every 2 years like clockwork. It gets REALLY bad for about 6 months and then my hormones calm down. Then 2 more years later... it's physically painful how much I want another baby. Wait 6 months, and relief. 2 years later... rinse, wash, repeat.

Last time we got a puppy and that helped a lot. This time my good friends have a baby girl that is making things much better (all the good stuff, none o' the exhaustion & life changing bits) But that's me. Baby cravings (like what I get) are totally different from wanting to add to your family. I know a lot of women get them, however.

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I am not sure how bad your money situation but does it cause you stress? Perhaps you are trying to find a way to make yourself happy and try to avoid thinking about the difficult economic situation you are in. If your husband is set against it that should definetly be a red flag for you. Also, have you thought about how your situation would only become more stressful once you have another baby? I think because you grew up without a lot of money and have good memories, your current situation is not holding you back. But times have changed. My cousins used to play all over the street and their mom had no idea where they were. She used to ring a dinner bell. Would any mom do that nowadays? My mom used to got outside, upstairs, anywhere, and leave me alone at 6 to babysit my 1 year old brother. Would anyone do that now? I think you need to focus on bettering your situation since you yourself say it would be stupid to have a baby. Maybe in a year or two when you are more stable you and your husband can truly enjoy the beautiful time you will have when you are blessed with another baby.

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Of course it is normal- hormones tell you.
And you can be logical and abide by a decision made on something besides hormones.
And maybe there are other solutions. How often do you have your stepdaughter? Maybe increase visits so you have 2 voices. Or the foster care situation is a mess- maybe you could foster a child since you have the love for another. That way the state helps w/ expenses.
best, k

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I think the bigger issue here is that your husband doesn't want another child. If he says that because of your finances, then getting a job, even part time, could help you out. If he really is against having 3 children, you may have to try to spend time with the baby of a friend or family member. Maybe you can babysit. That would help your finances and you would get to take care of a baby.

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I don't know if you can ever really be "financially " ready for kids, but of course it only makes sense that you are able to provide basic needs. It's hard for anyone here to give advice without knowing how bad your financial situation really is, and I agree that you AND your husband should be on board with the decision.

My husband and I went through some similar conversations regarding having a third child. It came down to really drawing a line down the page and looking at how another child would impact our family as a whole.

The big question for me is, is he against the idea of another child because of the financial situation or because he just doesn't want anymore kids? If it's financial that can be fixed; if it's something else then you have to work that out. There are options if your financial situation is so bad that it takes a long time to fix and you (biologically) run out of time. Adoption, fostering?

I'd give it time and get clear on exactly why your husband doesn't want another child, the changes that it would mean for your family, and if there are solutions to make your financial situation better.

Best of luck~

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I completely understand where you're coming from. I always knew I wanted three kids. Our beautiful, perfect twin boys were born. When they were six months, we made the decision to have my husband stay at home. Due to the economy, his commission based job took a turn for the worse. I wanted another baby from the time my twins were born, but financially it would have been completely irresponsible. Well, when my husband found a new job a few months ago (the boys are two), I was pregnant that month. God knew what he was doing! I just had to trust that He would bring our family the resolution that was right for us.

Your post does not state your age but if time allows, just wait. My kids are over 5 yrs apart and they couldn't have been closer growing up. Sometimes time has a way of making situations like this better.

me and my husband are in the same boat! we both want another baby, but our financials are not the best either. we have decided to wait until after the first of the year and get our taxes to get some bills paid off and then look at money, and go from there. so we hopeful that things will work out the way we want them to so we can add to our family....and for what its worth my mom and dad had 5 kids and we were a single income home and we were all happy and loved with food and clothing so i know it can work! good luck :)

We are also the same way. we're looking at waiting until our almost 4 year old is in school so we'd only have to pay for daycare for 1 kid, at least during the school year.

I think finances is not the issue--your SO is "completely against it" so just either wait or do something to make a positive impact on your financial situation....school...training....whatever you need to do.

We have almost 6 kids I am due in a few weeks. My hubby and make it work sure there is shift in the small things like no big vacations staying in a hotel but we camp and go see different parts of the midwest. We go to the movies a couple times ayear and shop around for food and clothes ( is second hand store and hand me downs and I also make the best Halloween costumes) . My kids know that they are loved above all else they participate in scouts and one other activity. It really does not make a big difference if you have one or two little ones they share alot of toys and clothes. So if yu feel your family is really in need of a new member go for it! So long as one of you has a decent job and you are not living on credit cards then ther is room for one more.
J.

you both have to be on the same page otherwise the stress can crack your family apart when you will need them most. money situations hopefully don't last forever. give it a little more time and revisit it again down the road. remember "not now" doesn't mean "never"....good luck :-)