I Want Another Baby and My Husband Doesnt Ugh :(

are you kidding? you're 23! is there no other purpose in life at 23? maybe traveling the world? exploring careers, pursuing endeavors (music, arts, etc.)
wow, things are changing in this generation. apparently, people are settling down & having children younger and younger. Parenthood is the greatest purpose in life, but I'm surprise that it's an ultimate purpose for a 23 year old.

if you're thinking of planning to "trick" your husband into having another baby by just getting pregnant (meaning by.. "no choice" for him), then please don't take this the wrong way, but that's the very reason why 23 year-olds shouldn't be having babies. it would be very immature to do that.

respect and trust in a marriage is important if you want your marriage to last and for the sake of your daughter. marriage is not about "what I want, I get". You're husband may have to "live with it" if you get pregnant, but he may also be very resentful of you for "trapping" him.

i don't mean for this response to come off negatively in any way. i'm just definitely very surprise at your urgency. I thought you were like near 40 years old when I first read this.

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Dear J.:

In the long run, it'll be best if you wait until you both agree. It would be a terrible lack of respect to do the opposite of what he asked and then expect him to "deal with it". If my husband disregarded my feelings and then told me to "deal with it", I'd be pretty outraged, wouldn't you? I don't think you want to take your relationship down that path!

Best wishes,

M.

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To clariy. You're 23 and while I totally get that you want an other baby it does not have to be tomorrow. Don't worry, you have time. My periods are super irregular, and I had no problem getting pregnant at 33, 36 and 39.

Have you asked your husband why? He may trying to be responsible - perhaps he does not feel financially or emotionally ready to do this. Instead of trying to get him to change his mind maybe you can try and understand where he's coming from and address those issues. The worst thing you can do is get pregnant on purpose knowing that he does not want this. The anger and resentment he'd feel will eat up your relationship.

Loving place here - grow up. You're a mom so start thinking like one instead of a like a child. You may not get what you want, when you want it, and it's not all about you. Good luck.

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Yous are 23...your biological clock is not even wound yet, let alone ticking loudly. Unless you have a family history of early menopause (and early usually means 35 instead of late forties, early 50's) or a family history of infertility problems, I can't imagine anybody beginning to worry about that at your age. I was 37 when I had my first child and 39 with the second. I had planned to do infertility testing if we were not pregnant after six months of trying (we married late - did college and military service first) instead of the usual 12. We did have a "high risk" OBGYN, but, we were already prenant before the first test was run. My boys were born healthy and strong. I am now 56 and adopting a 2 year old girl. I would really advise against getting pregnant against your husbands wishes. You have a great relationship so far and that is a serious undermining of trust. There are many reasons why a man would want to delay the birth of a second child, especially in today's economy. Not now does not mean never. Give it a rest, and stay honest and loving with your family. B.

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J. I almost laughed when I read this, I'm sorry! I'm 41 and had a baby 11 month's ago and plan to have another in about 2 years from now. You're clock is fine, don't rush life or your husband. All good things come to those who wait~

sincerely,
from one mom to another

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J., Please try and grow up!! At 23 your clock has plenty of time, and right now you have a wonderful child to raise. Perhaps you need to listen to your husband, he probably has some extremely sound reasons to hold off on another child for now; financial, emotional and waiting for you to grow up a bit on the subject. Do not assume your desires for another child are wrong, they are not. But there are two of you making this decision and have the responsibility for a lifetime.
When you are not focusing on yourself, you will probably find some peace on this and other issues that plague you.
I know I sound harsh, but call Dr. Laura if you think I'm off base... she's on the radio, handing out advice to people that refuse to think through their decisions.
good luck, Deb

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Hi, J.,

I think that you've received a lot of good advice, so I'll keep my post short. I am briefly telling you my story (the short version) to make you feel better.

Regarding your medical questions, if you can't get pregnant naturally or with Clomid for a year, then it would be a good for you and your husband to talk to a reproductive endocrinologist (RE). I talked to several REs who guided me through several rounds of high-tech fertility treatment. I was 38 when I started trying to conceive, 40 when I had my first live child (with the help of fertility treatment) and almost 42 when I had my second live child (without the help of fertility treatment). To me, 23 sounds very young in terms of reproduction.

Regarding the other aspects of your post, I agree with most of the respondents that it's not wise to "trick" your husband into creating another child. My kids were born 14 months apart. I was really excited about having my first child. Amazed to be pregnant with my second (still living) child, I was somewhat ambivalent about having a second child--even though both my husband and I expressed the desire to have a second. Two is quite different than one. It's harder to work, study, do almost anything with two kids. I'm glad that I have two kids, but I would have been just as happy if I had had just one. Unfortunately, my marriage is not in good shape. Now two kids, instead of one, get to suffer any negative aspects of my relationship with my husband. If I get divorced, then my life, also, will be harder than it would have been had I had just one. Do you really want to create the situation I've described?

Good luck,
L. E

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Oh J. ~ At 23 your maternal clock is not ticking. You really shouldn't even have one yet. At this point in life it's more like a maternal watch than a clock. You're married and the decision to have a child should be made as a couple. You certainly can get pregnant and then your husband will have to deal with it, but he may choose to deal with it in a different house than you. I'm sure that's not what you want for youself, your daughter or your future baby. My suggestion is you concentrate on the child you have and your husband and another baby will come in your future when its right for your entire family and not just something YOU want. Do the right thing for your family and wait.

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You are kidding and pulling all of our legs. Right? Keep thinking like that and you are going to be a divorced mom who messed up her child(rens) life because of being self centered, immature, and a vengeful person. This is meant as a slap to wake you up (and not in the physical way, I don't promote violence). You better read each of these responses and take something from them.

Your husband does not deserve this. Nor does your daughter.

Just don't get the Gardasil shots and you will be fine. You have SO many years ahead of you and just focus on making your husband the luckiest man alive. You'll be happy with what happens from that:o)

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Hi J., I can pretty much do as I wish in the marriage and I know it. I could buy whatever car I want, park it in the driveway, without saying two words to hubby and get away with it, BUT I won't. For one thing I feel it would be disrespectful to not include him in a large decision and further, I would want to include him in the fun of it...picking style, color, and model.

With that said, don't you want to do the same? Would you be happy with a new stupid brown Jeep when you wanted a white Lexus? That would atmost be a 5 year commitment with no resposibility on your part. See where I am going?

3 moms found this helpful

Give him time. Don't play games with him. Be fair. Put yourself in his situation. He may change his my in the next few months, but if you trick him into it, you may get a baby, but they may lose a father.

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J.,
You have approximately 20 years of fertility to go...that's about double your age! You have more years of fertility ahead of you than behind you. PLEASE don't worry about your maternal biological clock right now. Yes, I wanted children earlier than my husband and yes, I waited until he was ready. I have had children at the maternal ages of 31, 34, 38, and another one due at age 43. The last two pregnancies were not obtained as quickly as I had hoped for, but they did happen, and without outside help. If you do need help getting pregnant (in the future), the scientific field is quite advanced these days. How many children do you want? Each one takes a huge investment of resources, especially time and energy from you and your family. Please focus on your husband and daughter right now, and they will have the emotional energy to help raise another child.
C.

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Wow, 23 is still very young! You still have plenty of time! Maybe you should wait until you and your husband come to a consensus about this issue before making any decisions. You don't want to force a man into becoming a father again if that's not what he wants. You may end up regretting it - and bringing a baby into the world should be a wonderful thing - not a decision you end up regretting!!

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Hi J.,

First, you're 23! You have plenty of time! I would not advise "accidentally" getting pregnant just because you want to. If youare married to someone, something like a baby is a joint decision. That could totally backfire on you. I would enjoy the family you have now and maybe in few years, when he is ready, he may want another one.

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Tell him that you are placing the responsibility for having another child with him, and he is now in charge of birth control. If he really doesn't want another child, he can get a vasectomy or use condoms. He is just as much responsible for the creation of a child as you are, so if he doesn't want one, he needs to be the one to ensure it doesn't happen.

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Based on your history of marital problems, perhaps there is more to it than your husband just doesn't want another baby. He is being responsible. There is plenty of time and if you think that there isn't, why do you really feel that way? Maybe you should ask yourself why you are in such a hurry to get pregnant NOW with how turbulent your life has been. Your husband, daughter, and any future children that you may have DESERVE to have their well being considered, not to be manipulated or used as a tool TO manipulate. A child deserves to be WANTED not considered something to just "have no choice but to accept it." That is an awful, awful way to start life. Being a good mom isn't about getting what YOU want, it is about doing what is right for your child and family. Perhaps you should take a cue from your husband.

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Iwas 23 when i got married my husband came form a family of 3 he thought that was enough i had always heard that the middle child had problems it took me a year to convince him i now have seven grandchildren. My oldest is 58 and youngest 51 so you have yime but you might tell him single children are lonly and its good to have a friend in the family good luck im 85 we have been married 60 years good luck A. from no. Hills

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Hi J.,
I know, you already gave a response to your posting.

Just wanted to share something... my kids are 4 years apart... and though not "planned" that way... it is really great all around, for us as parents and for my kids per their maturity, acceptance of each other, their development etc. AND they get along fabulously and are the best together and love each other so much. They are VERY close to each other... and that is so endearing to see, in my children. My Husband, is 5 years apart from his brother... and they are close too, and got along great. So... there are positives about age-spans between siblings.

Now, as far as wanting to get pregnant and having your kids spaced farther apart... well, for me, I was the one who didn't want to get pregnant right away. My Hubby wanted to have kids sooner. After 5 years of being married, THEN I felt 'ready' for pregnancy and babies. Sure, I was older.... I'm talking past 35 years old. BUT, like a trooper, my Hubby did not pressure me at all. When it was time, it was time... and when I felt ready, and MY clock ticking away. We got pregnant just fine, naturally, despite my "age." Then, 4 years after the birth of my 1st child, we got pregnant again, naturally, and at a time when we felt we would like another child. But it was a JOINT decision. And, it worked out really great, and was a true blessing.

So, I guess my point is... don't feel pressured. You will be okay... and it will happen when the time is right and when it is meant to be. Be thankful, that even though your Hubby may have an opinion that is not what you hoped for (ie: him not wanting another baby now), that at least he IS being open with you and expressing his feelings to you. It would be worse, if he just kept it all inside and got pent up and 'resentful' toward you about it. So at least you know his feelings and he does not have to 'hide' it from you. That is much healthier, for both of you.... and for future intimacy.

All the best, it will be okay,
Susan

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You are playing with fire! First of all you're 23! The clock is barely winding up! Second you should NEVER get pregnant on purpose knowing your husband doesn't want that. I'm sorry, but that's just wrong and irresponsible.

-M

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J.,

When we had our second child, it was very stressful on the marriage because now we were responsible for two little lives. My daughter was almost 3 at the time and thankfully old enough to be a little more independent in certain areas. I am wondering how old your 1st child is? Because, to be honest, having a second is a whole new journey. You won't be able to sleep when the baby sleeps because you will have another child that needs you up during the day. You will be up all night because the baby will not be on a schedule yet. I am sure, as you know, you and your husband will have to work as a team to stay sane. If he is not on board yet, give him some time before you make a decision that can not only hurt your relationship but also in the long run the relationship you both have with your children.

As far as your cycles being off, again not knowing how old your first is, perhaps your body is still adjusting from the first child and in some way telling you that it's not ready yet? I know you are going to get a lot of comments regarding your age an the biological clock issue...try to enjoy every moment you have with your little one now because they grow up so quick. There's no rush, you have plenty of time. I had my 1st at 31 and 2nd at 34...and realize now how much more patient I am as I get older.

Last but not least, this is a great forum, with lots of great advice...but we are not in your shoes...PLEASE talk with your husband, he is the one you really should be talking to, before you make such a drastic decisions...he deserves that doesn't he?

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do you REALLY want to betray this "wonderful man" you are married to? he trusts you, and you want to betray that trust? a baby should be conceived to parents who want him/her. it's a life-long commitment. do you really believe you have the right to commit him to that?
G.

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I have a little bit if experience with your problem. I had the same problems with my cycles since I was a teenager and until the last 3 years. I wanted to get pregnant so bad and it wasn't getting there. I went to my doctor and found that I wasn't actually ovulating at all. I was releasing the lining like you are supposed to but no eggs were moving. I started a hormone medication that made me start my period and then took a medication during my period to increase ovulation called clomid. I was told it would take a few months to get pregnant. I actually got pregnant the first month that we tried. The doctor was pretty helpful for me. As for the husband issue, just be careful about getting pregnant when he doesn't want another, you don't want him resenting you or the new beautiful baby. Hope all of this helps you!
S.

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23 is pretty young to be a mom and you have time to wait for another. Needless to say, this is not a decision to take lightly nor is it something you decide on your own. You can not seriously think you will get pregnant and your husband will just deal with it. That's pretty selfish and perhaps a sign that you are not mature enough to be raising a child. If you think that you can play a dangerous game like that, you might just end up a single mom raising two children.

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Speaking as a 40 plus mom I'm here to reassure you there may be more time than you think. I studied child development as a student in my twenties, became a teacher then a teacher /preschool director and finally at 40, a mom and at 41, a mother of two. They were 18 months apart, healthy and wonderful, now grown.

How I wish I could slow time down or turn it back, I miss my toddlers and treasure the memories. My son is in college now. You didn't mention how old your daughter is but I imagine she is young and there is much to enjoy. Take care of your health, get your body centered and flowing, focus on the love you have rather than what else you wish you have and I don't question that your husband may join you in the desire to expand your family in time.

Treasure, celebrate and enjoy everything you three share and you may inspire him by love and acceptance. Without him you will no longer be a family but rather one person getting what they want while disregarding the feelings of another. Do you really want to risk the harmony of your family and risk loosing it by an attitude of "get used to it"? It's food for thought.

Speaking from the other side of parenthood, practically grown children, there is more time than you may think and your patience and acceptance over the next two years or so could go a long way to secure the future you dream of.

Best wishes and blessings.

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Hi J.. I don't know you but I too have had difficulty with irregular periods. I find they are the most irregular when I am exercising a lot. Be patient with your husband. Even though 23 seems older to you now, a time will come when you realize you had plenty of time (this will of course only happen after much time has passed). I had my first child at 23, and my second at 26, four years later, unexpectantly I had my third and we decided we were done. I had my tubes tied. Eight years later I had my fourth. It was a miracle. I find babies come in spite of the best laid plans of parents. It is difficult sometimes for men to adjust to the time needs of a child because it takes you away from him. If you bide your time, I think you will find that he will be asking you. In the meantime, talk to your OB/GYN and keep up with the periods. It will all be fine. Enjoy the special time with your little girl. They grow up so fast.

J.

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Ya know J., having a baby that your husband doesn't want have might put a lot of strain on your marriage. Please spend some time understanding why he doesn't want another child right now. He may be under stress from work and finances, and worried about this economy. Or perhaps he has other reasons? Regardless, it's important that you communicate with him rather than giving him "no choice" in the matter. Being married is a partnership. You're 23, your biological clock's alarm isn't going to start ringing for quite some time. There's plenty of time to plan for another child.

My cyles were very far apart before I had my sons, just like yours. I used the basal body temperature method for a long time until I began to recognise my body's signs and could tell when I was likely fertile. It took a year and half to get pregnant with my oldest son and my second son was born three and a half years after the first without birth control. If you have one child, you'll likely have more, too.

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Here's my 2 part answer:

1. I am wildly irregular. It runs in my mother's family. I have to skip 3 months before I can say I'm late. Birth control pills designed to make my periods regular just made it worse - I bled all the time. (That's also been the experience of my relatives.) My Fallopian tubes are clogged with scar tissue, and I'm down to only 1 tube - the second was lost in a tubal pregnancy. I have been pregnant 6 times, and I have 4 kids. :) (2 miscariages)

I was a young mom - I had my first child at 20 and my second at 21. Even now, when I'm 43, I HATE to hear people say, "Oh, you're too young," or, "You can't know what you really want at your age" when they talk to young moms. Some people are truly ready at 15. Some are truly NOT ready at 40. Age is only ONE factor, not the deciding issue. (That goes for telling women they're "too old," as well.)

2. Deciding to have a baby when your husband doesn't want one is a bad idea. Think of it this way: he feels very strongly about not having another baby. Even though you know that, how would you feel if he got a vasectomy and didn't tell you? If you found out and he explained it by saying that you knew how he felt, so it shouldn't be a surprise, and he was sure that as time went on you'd see that he was right, how would you feel? You'd be angry and feel betrayed. That's how he would feel about a "surprise" baby.

You're right that most men don't feel connected to the baby until it's born, or even older, but that's no reason to ignore his wishes. You're supposed to be partners.

Men do not think the same way women do. Their brain chemistry is different. Most of what men see when they think about another child is responsibility, work, pressure and MONEY. Some men can't think about another baby while they're still dealing with diapers. Some men can't imagine wanting another baby when their child is finally out of diapers ("Why would we want to go through all that again?" they wonder.) Some are afraid they wouldn't love another child as much. Even if you think his feelings are silly or unreasonable, they WILL impact your future and your children's future!!! A resentful or angry dad may drink too much, cheat, or any number of other behaviors you DON'T want in your home! And if he feels that you ignore his wishes, he'll feel perfectly justified in ignoring YOUR feelings.

I know how loudly your mind and body can scream out for a baby, but just remember that this isn't something that has to be decided today or tomorrow or even 5 years from now. My brother is 15 years older than I am, my sister is 11 years older, and we have a great relationship. I know women who've had babies after they are already grandmothers. You have a long life ahead and plenty of time to do everything you want to. Enjoy your gorgeous family and let the future take care of itself for a while. :)

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The worst year of my 16 year marriage was the year after our second child was born. After the first, neither of us knew what we were doing and we cut each other a lot of slack. After about 10 months, I figured we had it under control and we started to try for a second. I talked my husband into it. He would have waited longer but my "I want them to be close in age" argument convinced him. When my second son was born, he expected the schedule to remain the same, but now we had a toddler running around needing attention that was now going to the newborn. It lead to a lot of arguments about workload, housework, etc. No new mom should have to deal with that AND the resentment of being trapped into another baby. One previous reader likened it to your husband buying you a car you didn't like and having to drive it for five years. I think it is more like giving you a large breed puppy that you cannot give away but must care for, train and love for the next 18 years. There might be times of joy and happiness there, but every time something gets difficult, it pees on the rug or chews up the new Wii, the resentment is there waiting to come out. Please, please, please, do not do this to your husband or your daughter until your husband can't wait to have another child. My argument turned out to be a false one anyway. My two older ones are 22 months apart and usually can't stand each other. It is my oldest and third son, 6 1/2 years apart, who are the closest in the family!

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At 23, your have PLENTY of time before your actual time clock starts ticking! Out of respect for your husband, listen to his concerns and feelings. You say that "it will come down to he will have no choice to accept it if I get pregnant". That is not the way you want to expand your family! He will feel trapped and unhappy if he feels like you don't care and will proceed with this without any regard to his feelings. Again, you may have some feelings that you need to do this now, but medically, even if you are irregular, there is no hard boiled fact that you need to do this right now. 23 is very young in terms of fertility unless you have evidence (other than irregular cycles) that there is a problem. I hope you will include your husband and not reject his feelings about such an important issue.

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I was excited to have my second child at 38 for my first little girl."She will have a playmate" My husband was supportive and we waited just over 3 yrs. for the next. I do work in my home and I can tell you-it is work to have more than one! I don't know if you need to work -and not having a supportive husband, who you will need to help during the night,each child wanting attention and so forth, you may put a marriage in jeopardy.

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I totally understand where you're coming from, but your only 23!!! Wait... you have sooo much time momma! Your husband may have resentment toward you if you go ahead and get pregnant. You definitely don't want to go there. Just give him time.. I'm sure he'll eventually come around. Enjoy your beautiful daughter and your wonderful husband. I'm 40 and pregnant with my second. So be patient and try not to stress!

1 mom found this helpful

When I was 23 I was ten years away from having my first!! Give your husband time - you have tons of it. Hopefully he will change his mind though because it's nice for your daughter to have a sibling. I think he will eventually change his mind because he will see that your daughter will need someone to play with and not have to play with you two all the time if she was an only child.

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If you were 43, you'd have a reason to start worrying about your maternal clock. Worrying about it now doesn't make sense.

If you get pregnant and "he will have no choice but to accept it if I get pregnant", you are asking for big, big trouble. Believe me and just think about it... What kind of a marriage partner would that make you? One who tricks the other to get what you want? Where is the trust and maturity? That would be asking, begging for a failed marriage. You really don't want that for any of your children.

Give it some time so that you can both enjoy the baby you already have and grow together and mature and get more financially and emotionally stable. You want to be the best mother you can be and that takes patience and maturity.

C.

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I think it is being very disrespectful to your husband to say that if you get pregnant, he has no choice but to accept it. The way you get him to change his mind is to enjoy the daughter that you already have with him. Encourage him to spend 1:1 time with her. Nourish and nuture the relationship that you and he have as a couple. Don't overly focus on being deprived of another baby. Focus on the family that you have now. If another baby is meant to be, it will happen. Don't force the issue with him, or it may cause problems in your marriage. Best of luck.

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I know that you seem to feel the clock ticking, but, hey girlfriend, I had my youngest 38 and I still feel vibrant enough to have another one, so my husband and I have to take extreme measures to make sure that we DON'T have any more! Really, I have a girlfriend who had her first at 39, then 2 more after that. At 45, she still wants more, and she will probably have at least one more. Relax about the clock. Parenting 2 is WAYYY more stressful than one, just enjoy your bundle of joy for awhile, and before you know it, she will be a "big girl" and you and your husband will reminisce about all those happy baby times and you will have another.

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My thought is guys should be asked at age 18 how many kids they want, this number should be tatooed on they're heads along with do they want to be married. This way it's not a surprise. Any guy that doesn't want kids should be fixed. My spouse never mentioned he didn't want kids, but he knew I did because I talked about it. Since he never came out and said he didn't want kids I assumed whatever happened happened. We have 3 all 5 years apart 1990,1995 & 2000. My oldest are girls and they are actually very close. But we are a close family, at least the kids and I. I spend alot of time with them my spouse doesn't really involve himself. But that is his loss. I wanted a second child so bad I cried everytime someone I knew got preg. It killed me inside. So I totally understand your need. Well the Lord gave us our second, 5 years later our 3rd. This is when my spouse said he was to old and didn't want any more. He made me get my tubes tied. (there is a part of me that hates him for that to this day). But it came down to an altimatume.

All I can say is this: My spouse thinks that I purposely got pregnant 3 times. He is the one that came in me. I wasn't on birth control and he knew it. It makes me very moody and I hate feeling aggitated all the time. So he screwed up, not me.

If I had to do this over I would have never been fixed. If he is so pent against having anymore then he should be the one to get fixed. If you end up with someone else you could have more kids. It is always your choice with your body. My spouse bullied me into tieing my tubes. This still makes no sense to me, he is the one that doesn't want anymore, I still long for more everyday and I just turned 41 last month. I understand Men and having to work hard to make enough money to support you & the kids and the pressure this can have on them, but this is one thing I wish they could feel and understand in women. It's not even a want it's a need to us. This is what God made us for. It's not that easy.

I would have a real conversation about this with your spouse. Maybe he want's more but the timing is scary, people lossing their jobs, new goverment. Maybe things will be diffrent in a year or 2. Or maybe he really doesn't want any but knew he wouldn't find a wife if he told them he wanted none.

My spouse will say things like: No man wants kids, we just do it to make our women happy. I know that's not true because there are men who like kids. And: I didn't want kids but I love the ones we have you know I love our kids. Yes, I think he loves them but he blames me to this day that I got pregnant on purpose, when I didn't. I don't have any control of when he is about to come and needs to pull out. But I thank God that I have these Beautiful 3 kids. I really think I'm missing 2 though.

I don't know if this email will help you or not. But bottom line don't let him bully you into doing something you don't want to do. Like tieing your tubes before you want them tied. I hate myself for doing that. I felt I had no choice, if I wanted him to stay in my life then I had to do it. So I did it and prayed to God that he would let me be one of those women that got pregnant anyway. Never happened. Because the bottom line is the choice was mine in the end, I chose my spouse over the beautiful babies. I'm crying just telling you this. My youngest is 8 1/2, it still hurts everyday.

If guys could understand that wanting baby's to us is like men wanting sex then maybe they would be more understanding. But they just can't understand that concept. I wish you all the love and comfort that you need through this. I hope that your spouse will be understanding to you and your needs if not now then in a few years. I love mine being 5 years apart. You send one off to school and enjoy the next and every moment with them. I wish we would have had another boy just because he is by himself and the girls gang up on him. Your in my prayers. J.

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i agree with what was said by the other moms mostly.
but if it is something that you want that much then you really should keep expressing your need for another child in a kind and loving way or at least let your husband know how you feel about it. this is something that is important to discuss with each other and understand each others points of view. ask yourself and your hubby questions like why do want more than one, or why exactly does he not want more? find out every answer to these questions so that you can find a compromise that will satisfy both you and your hubby. some people are meant to have children and some are not, and its something that you know deep inside. but you have to remember that no matter what anyone says, whether they say they are ready for kids or that they are not, they will NEVER be ready for children so that is not a good excuse to not have any. as long as you have the means of physical and emotional support for children then thats all you really need.

good luck and keep in mind that you have a good twelve years before your body even begins to become less likely to produce healthy offspring so dont fret too much. however, i know what you mean about not wanting them too far apart!

p.s. i got preggo with my first using natural family planning, we tried once for our second and got preggo right away, then with our third we got preggo even though we were using condoms and our sex was few and far between because of finishing school and moving and stress, as for our fourth we got pregnant even though my period was off by two to three weeks and i was still breastfeeding completely!
so basically im saying that if its meant to be then it will happen no matter what you do to prevent it. the only way to truly prevent getting pregnant is to abstain from sex completely and live like a monk. so let your hubby know that unless he plans on going off to join the catholic church and become a priest, then you cant really promise not to get pregnant in the first place, it takes TWO people you know.

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J., I certainly hear how hard it is to want another baby when your husband is not ready. I want to encourage you to talk more with your husband about this. It might be helpful for both of you to try to understand where you are at with this desire. I truly hope for you that it does not come down to your husband having no choice but to accept it if you get pregnant. As you know, having a new baby can be such a joyous time. It can also be a very stressful time, and I would hope for your family that you and your husband be on the same page. Your daughter will notice the extra tension brought into your home if you and your husband are not on the same page. Keep talking it through. Your whole family will benefit.

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23 is still young. I doubt your maternal clock is ticking loudly - you've got a least another ten years to easily have children. You also don't say how old your baby is. I recommend getting one out of diapers before having another. And, your husband needs to agree, otherwise that's totally unfair.

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J., you are still a young woman. I had my last child when I was 32. I did suffer from irregular periods. It is better to worry and work out those female issues first. I only have two children and that has had to be okay with me.
As for the "oh well if you get pregnant he'll have to live with it", that is definitely not the right way to go into another pregnancy. It should be mutual, you don't want resentments in your relationship, because in the end it will be just the two of you, because the kids will be gone living their own lives. Nuture what you have with your husband and the children will come naturally.
Keep tracking your cycles though and report it back to your doctor, your health is the most important here. Hope this helps.
~~D.

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Only one thing worse than wanting a baby and hubbie doesn't. That is having the baby and hubbie forever resenting it. Not fair to you, nor child, nor husband.

Having one child is a wonderful thing. Maybe having a spirit of thankfulness for what you DO have would change things, perhaps to the point that your husband WOULD then reconsider. If not, again, be so very thankful for what you have.

As for irregular cycles, you may want to consider regularly drinking red raspberry tea which is good for all kinds of female problems. You should explore WHY you are irregular and be honestly objective about your health history before seeing a naturapathic doctor, accupuncturist or healer of your choice. Good luck!

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Hi J. B. You can become pregnant with irregular periods, It may not be as easy, but is possible. At 23 you do have plenty of time to have another baby, IF your husband changes his mind, I was 26 when I had my first child who is now 25 working on having his first child, I had my last child when I was 32, who will be 20 in May, you do have time. 32 mat sound old to you to have a baby, while you are still 23 but the way I looked at it was the year she turned 18 i turned 50, so by 50 my regular parenting was done, my husband and I are young 52 year olds who go on dates, are still very intament, I'm only sharing that part with you, so you would see there is still time for you. You stated if you do get pregnant he will just have to accept it, that's not a good place to go, having children and planing your family, is something you have to do together, or it can cause problems in your mariage no mater how wonderful your husband is, and you have a daughter to think about as well, so here's what I would tell my own if she was in your situation, calmly and respectfully ask your husband why he does not want another child, and if it is something that can be worked through then reasure him of that, and that you will do what ever it takes to help him, also let him know why it is so important to you, most children who grow up being the only child grow up lonely and usually spoiled, if he is dead set against it, you have to respect that, because if you go and get pregnant anyway knowing how he feels, he's probably not going to be a happy camper, and may not be very supporting, and not only that, it would be deceitful. Let me know what happens. J. L.

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J.,

I see you've already responded back. I think it's wise for you to supress your wants about the baby. If your husband doesn't want a baby and you are actively trying to get pregnant (whether with or without him knowing) it may make your marriage rocky.

As far as the irregular cycles go (for when your husband does want another :) I have had very irregular cycles since I got my period. It got even worse once I went off birth control to try and get pregnant. After TTC for 11 months, I went to see my doctor and he put me on Progesterone for 10 days to start my period, and then I was on Clomid to regulate my period (1 round of pills each month for 6 months). I finally got pregnant after being off of the Clomid for 6 months. I now have a beautiful 9 month old daughter. Good luck with your husband! He'll come around eventually.

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Hi J.,

I know you've already posted back, and I just wanted to tell you I think it's a great idea you're going to resist the want for another little one for a little while. You are young and have lots of time, and it seems like waiting is the best thing for your family overall. I commend you for thinking big picture -- even though it can be tough!!

One thing that might help you feel more empowered and help pass the time is to get your cycles more regulated so that when you are ready to have that next baby, your body is in her best shape to have one. Acupuncture and Traditional Chinese Medicine can work wonders helping with women's issues like regulating menstruation and boosting fertility. I am not sure where you live, but there's a great teaching clinic in Los Angeles/Culver City called Yo San University that is inexpensive and top notch -- I went there for some things I was dealing with and loved it so much I am going to school there now!!

Anyway, their website is www.yosan.edu, and their phone number is ###-###-####.
I'd highly recommend it.

Best of luck!
K.

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My wife and I read this site. From a man's POV, don't
accidentally (on purpose) get pregnant if he's against it.
Pregnancy is a two party system. You're 23 and still have time. If you're worried about the clock, have some eggs
frozen.

Emotions are running hot in CA and the US about Octomom.
So for now don't bring up the pregnancy at every chance you get. Don't badger him and give it a rest for the time being.
I don't know the age of your daughter. You may want to show her a picture of her ultrasound at a time when you know you're husband will be coming through the door.
But wait a month from the last time you brought it up.
If anything, that will win him over.

AJ

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I had my first child at 24, my second at 36 and my last one at 42 (just days before I turned 43) All are healthy, happy and loved.

I know more women who have "irregular cycles" than I do the so called regular ones. I myself get my period approx every 6 weeks. Considering that you already have one child, it would appear that your "irregularity" is not preventing you from becoming pregnant. When the time is right, I think that things will fall into place. Patience is usually the toughest solution to ANY problem. Good luck!