I Want a 3Rd Baby, Husband Does Not. HELP!

i am going to try to say this as "gently" as possible. yes, you need to see a counselor or therapist. someone needs to help you see past yourself. yes, your HUSBAND has every right to veto a third child. quite simply, there is no reason except "I WANT" for you to have another baby. what does that tell you? if one of your kids wanted a 5000 calorie sundae with the works, and when you asked for a good reason, all they could come up with was, "because it's what I WANT!", would you give it to them? just because they wanted it?? life isn't just about what one wants.

think about someone else. and be honest. are your kids suffering because of your "depression"? god forbid, do they know the reason for it? what about your husband? how do you think he feels when his reasons are being completely ignored? that he and the kids aren't good enough to "make" you happy? last what about the "non existent" baby that you are so in love with and are spending so much emotional energy on? that's an awful lot of responsibility to place on one baby's shoulders. it's sole reason for being, would be to "make" mom happy.

seems to me you are pretty much slapping your family in the face on every level.

okay i am sorry if that was harsh. please see someone for some help, if you can't get past this. you are really hurting your family, i am sure. at some point you have forgotten to appreciate and cherish what you have been given. if you can't get that back, it's okay to need help. no baby will ever "make" you happy if you aren't happy with yourself. we ALL feel the instinct to have babies. but babies don't make us happy. no outside source can MAKE you happy. that has to come from you and dear, trust me when i say i mean this in the nicest friendliest way possible, somehow you have GOT to realize this, for your family's sake. i know a lot will disagree with me and probably call me out for my opinion...it's the truth as i see it. you have been so very blessed. is it worth throwing all that under the bus just to get what you want??

Your husband is correct here- you need to see someone about the depression and the fact that "you can't make it stop". What I have learned from working with families is that when one partner feels strongly that the family cannot handle another child, then there will be no more children from that union, especially for the men. Men are "providers" and each child is wonderful, but... dads see each child as another long-term financial commitment and more years until they can retire and enjoy their wife again.

No one likes to talk about this topic b/c it sounds really harsh, but it is true. I can tell you that men worry about whether or not they can "afford" to have another child down to the craziest detail (braces, sneakers, activities, tuition, food, clothing, etc).

If he's telling you that he's "done", then he's "done". This is most likely about your need to be "needed" than truly wanting another child. For many mothers the idea of "we're done with babies" is overwhelming- most get through it quickly and move on with enjoying their family. For some, they need help working through it and accepting the family they have been blessed with.

He's basically telling you "S&@* happens and we'll deal with it, but I'd rather not add more responsibility to our lives". Listen to what he's actually saying, not just what you are hoping to hear.

Show your husband that you respect him and value your marriage and find a counselor. It won't "magically" make it better, but it will help you find clarity as to WHY you want to be pregnant again and WHY you are experiencing such extreme emotions surrounding the decision.

I also agree with your husband. Seek some help and preserve your marriage. Good luck.

I think you need to listen to your husband. Go see a counselor - together. Your husband has just as much say about raising another child as you do. I think you need to listen to him. You also need to focus on the two children you have -- Count your blessings.
You need to remember that the world of today is made for families of 4. The extra car seat means a bigger car and a bigger gas bill. It means another place at the table and a larger food bill. It means another set of activity fees and fewer activities for the older two. It even means a larger hotel room when you go on vacation - providing you can afford it. It means another college education, another wedding, and more. The older they get, the more expensive they get. I know this. I can't believe it myself. I never thought they'd cost as much as they do -- I have 2 in high school and believe me, they are very very expensive and we don't have all the goodies and gadgets most families have.
Financially another child is a huge thing to take on -- look at it from his point of view: He is working to support his family. He is already freaked out with the responsibility of providing for you and the two children you have. Now you want another baby? Give the man a break.
You can't live your live comparing your family of 4 to other larger families. The grass is not always greener - trust me.
LBC

I agree with your husband, go see a counselor. If he does not want a third child you must respect his wishes.

Counseling is IMPERATIVE...And no, one session will not make the problem "magically go away", but many sessions, some with and some without your husband, will help you both get to the root of your issues. You must find out exactly why you want the 3rd child so badly...Are you subconsciously trying to fill a void now that your youngest is not a baby anymore? Are you feeling insecure about your own worth? Confused about whether you're going to go back to the career world after the kids you do have reach a certain age? Are you feeling disconnected from your husband and hope that a new baby will help you to connect again? Or did you you come from a huge family, and 2 kids just feels wrong to you?

Now some important questions about how this obsession is affecting your family:

Are you missing out on quality time with the kids you DO have because you're so distracted and depressed about the 3rd you DON'T have? If you're sobbing while you're writing this, chances are, you did not just wrap up a happy play time with the kids, where they were your entire focus. Will a third child put a strain on your family financially? If yes, what good will it do your 2 current children if their dad is never home because he has to work so hard to save for THREE college educations?

I do understand your longing....I have 1 child and always wanted 2. We waited to have the first, and by the time he was 2, we were surrounded by elderly parents that needed our attention, demanding careers, unexpected deaths in the family, you name it. Also, I had a real health scare with my pregnancy, and to roll the dice for a sibling and risk losing a mom made no sense for my son. When I took the focus off my obsession with the "child that wasn't there", and put it on my son and husband, it changed our family dynamic from good to absolutely, richly fantastic! My son and I are SO connected...and because I'm not drained by a second child, I can pick up the slack when my husband's demanding career keeps him away from home for too long so that our son feels secure.

It is possible that your glass is half full, and you are refusing to drink until it's to the top. It is possible that, with one more child, your cup will "runneth over". But if your not even taking a sip of the fine wine you have right in front of you, a full cup isn't going to make a difference - you will always thirst for more. Please, find out where that thirst is coming from -and why- before you do anything else.

Kindly,
K.

I understand that this is really hard but think about how hard it would be to raise a 3rd baby essentially "alone" without the support of your husband. You don't want that, right? My suggestion would be to work on being really grateful for the two kids that you do have and all the other wonderful things that you have in your life - including your husband. I often find when I'm in self pity about what I don't have in my own life writing a gratitude list either in the morning or before I go to bed every day with 5 things on it works miracles. Good luck.

Nature has designed women to ache for more babies. It's built into our systems, from hormones to body to brain. It's part of the culture, and we practice being mommies from the time we're little girls. It's necessary for the survival of the species, considering all the disease, famine, war, and other catastrophes humanity is subject to.

But it's becoming necessary to slow the growth of the human population today, unlike previous centuries. The population curve, on a graph, is no longer a gradual rise, it's a line running almost straight up. Today we are polluting the planet, crowding out other species, and even threatening the climate that all life has adapted to, so it's become important to place a higher value on our ability to make rational choices, to protect all the children that are already here. That shift in focus can make a difference in how we feel. We can even end up feeling great about making the best possible choice for the good of all life.

It is possible to stop suffering over this, if your focus is on cultivating peace and happiness and investing yourself fully in the blessings you already have (I say this as a woman who adores infants, but stopped with one child of my own). Since your husband isn't subject to the hormonal longings you are feeling (and part of that is that you have given birth), he's already in rational mode. So you have other good reasons NOT to have a child – the long-term success of your family unit, for example.

The feelings you have are somewhat like physical hunger. Just because we feel hungry doesn't mean we can eat everything we crave. What we want may be unavailable, it may be unhealthy, it may simply be too much. Think about how you calm your physical appetites to assuage suffering, and adapt that to dealing with baby hunger. A counselor could help you with that, not by waving a magic wand, but by helping you change your focus.

I wish you the best. You might put your love of children to good use by getting a job working with children or babies. Even volunteer work. There are babies born with drug habits whose little lives you could improve by being available to hold and rock them, for example.

I had a hysterectomy a year after my second baby was born. I had no choice.
I longed for another child. I think it's pretty normal.
The instinct to have children can be pretty strong. Especially when we have them and love them so much.
However, if your husband is against having another baby to the point he's not having sex in order to be careful, you have to consider this carefully.
I agree that you should see a counselor. You can't keep going through this.
There might be something else you are hoping another baby can fill as far as a void. I don't know.

One thing I do know is that you can get over not being able to have another child. It might take some time. You might always long for it.
My longings will be fulfilled in May when my first grandchild comes along.
I can't wait.
I was blessed with two beautiful, perfectly healthy children after being told I would never have ANY, so I feel pretty lucky.
I would have had more if I could have, and I did go through some sadness about it. But, how could I be sad with TWO miracles I was never supposed to get?

Don't pressure yourself or your husband for another child.

Talk to someone.

I wish you the best.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Have you thought about acting on your husband's suggestion of therapy? It is definitely not a good idea to have a baby that one of the parents doesn't totally want (or want at all). You have two beautiful children, right? What if you put this desire to have another baby aside for a set period of time - say, a year? Give yourself a year to think about this without taking any action on it. Go to therapy and really think about why you want more children. I went through a period of time when I thought it would be a good idea to have a third child. My husband was adamantly against it for financial reasons. He ended up getting a vasectomy (which I wasn't totally against), and strangely enough, that made me realize that I was totally okay just having two children. I think it was the "possibility" of having another child that drove me nuts. Once it was off the table, I was fine. Maybe that's just me. In any case, I think you really need to explore this further, and going to therapy isn't a bad idea.

I think your husbands idea of talking to someone is a good idea, as long as he goes too. If you need to talk about why you want a baby so bad, then he needs to talk about why he is so adament against it. Especially when he knows how much he is hurting you. I think couples sessions are the way to go.

Unfortunately, It sounds like he made his decision, it's not like he's on the fence. I think you do have to get over it. If you force your husband into something he doesn't want, you are only asking for major marital issues in the long run.

As far as how to get over it, cherish your 2 healthy children and be happy and content with your family. You could have had none, as there are many women unable to have even one.

You BOTH should go to a therapist. I completely understand your desire for more children... and it's normal for men to oppose children yet be happy when it occurs.

You need to talk about why you want another child - how you feel incomplete. He needs to talk about why he really is opposing another child knowing how much you really want one. The therapist should be able to talk to you both about when to compromise, when to think about the other side, etc.

For the security of your marriage, listen to your husband. If 1 person does not want to have another child, you don't.

I've seen marriages fall apart because mom wanted more children when dad did not. This was clear. Mom "tricked" dad and got pregnant and now mom is a single mom. Deceit is not what you do. He is not having sex with you for fear that you will deceive him.

Give him time, honor his wishes as a partner. Another child is a huge financial burden, imagine the pressure that puts on him, your entire family and financial security. Children are very expensive. All the love in the world for children cannot put food on the table, gas in the car, and heat/cool a home.

Talk to your Dr. It could very well be hormonal because "your baby" is not a baby anymore and you are dealing with that emotionally.

Wow! You really need to wake up and move on with your life. You are damaging your other two kids who really need their mother to stay strong and happy and be there for them. They feel the tention and it will difinitely affect them if you do not take hold of yourself. God blessed you with two children; some people cannot even have one!! So be happy knowing how blessed you really are to have those two babies already with you and your husband! I am married but basically a single mom. I take care of my 4 children all by myself mostly. My husband wants me to get pregnant, but i won't allow that right now. I get pregnant very easily so I do have to be careful. I don't know what you're situation is, but you need to focus on raising the two kids you already have. If God wants you to have another baby then He'll give you one. If not then thank Him for what He has given you. If you're a believer in prayer then you know what to pray for until you get your answer. If it's 'no' then you have to accept it. Dry your tears and go hug your two kids really tight. Spend time with them. Do not focus on what you do not have BUT WHAT YOU DO HAVE! And believe me your marriage will change for the better. I also agree with your husband about some counseling just to have someone to talk to about how you can move on and totally focus on your two children. Do this until you know you are not going to 'fall apart'. There are worse things in this world than not fulfilling everything you think you need to have or do. If you're looking at another baby as a means of accomplishment for yourself then you may have to take a step back and reevaluate your life. Who knows? Maybe someday you can have a heart to adopt some precious life out there who has no one to love him or her....

I'm just going to be very honest, therapy really might help you. No, it won't "magically" make it go away, but it can help you process all this. The thing is, if you are getting that depressed...the you probably ARE depressed and the lack of baby makes it worse. You don't just get THAT depressed once a month, it sounds like you're building on-top of an existing depression. There's a good chance you are trying to fill a void with a baby. What's missing in your life? Why are you fearful to not have anymore? Are you afraid of not being totally needed by a little one? Are you afraid of no more unconditional love? Are you afraid you won't have as much of a purpose? I ask, because my sister went through just what you are taking about. She was most definitely trying to make up for what she was lacking, by adding another baby. She went to a therapist and it really helped. They didn't have another baby and she is totally OK with it now. A baby will not magically make all the other things fall into place, or go away. When the baby isn't so much a baby anymore, then what? Another one, and another, and another...?

Yo can't force, or trick (not saying you would) your husband into doing something he doesn't want. It will cause (even more) bitterness and resentment in your marriage. A baby should be desired by BOTH.

This is a difficult thing since you both really NEED to be in agreement. If it were me, I would pray. I would pray for God to change my husband's heart and I would pray for God to help me wait and let it go while things get worked out. If it is such a stressor in your marriage, something has got to give. Every day work on enjoying your children, one day at a time. They are still so little and so fun. And I would pray for God to work on my marriage too. Perhaps he is afraid that you wouldn't be able to afford another...there must be something deeper in his thought process too. Hang in there, but you need to get your mind off of it. It is just causing problems, so maybe letting it go for now is best. I will pray too for you.

Have you tried asking him why he's so opposed to having another child? Could he be worried about the financial implications of raising 3 children? I totally understand how you feel - I had a son and then a daughter (who are now 18 and 15 years old respectively - and it took me 6 months to concieve her). I adore my children and ever since my daughter was about 2 years old, I've had this feeling that I would have another daughter. My husband was "absolutely not". His reasoning is that it would be unfair to the two we already have, as we can't really afford another child. We made a deal that if our financial situation took a dramatic turn for the better by the time I turned 40, he'd reconsider. Unfortunately, I'm turning 42 in March. He got his way. I sometimes still get a bit "broody" but then I take a look at the realistic picture - do I really want to go through the risks involved in a 3rd pregnancy (considering that my first 2 were emergency c-sections)? Maybe the money wasn't the real reason after all - maybe my husband was afraid for me. My situation is obviously different cos I have teens now. Ironically what helped my "mothering need" was rescuing a tiny abandoned puppy and growing her into a pretty and healthy 1yr old! :) Remember to hug and love your husband not only in the hope of getting pregnant but because kids grow so fast; and before you know it, the 2 of u will only have each other .... until the grandkids come! REALLY looking forward to that ... in about 20 years or so! :) Enjoy the family you have. God Bless!

I agree with the posts....therapy would be very helpful. I have three boys and they are a lot of work. Three is a different world especially if they are all young like mine. It is very hard to give all three the attention they want daily. I love them more than anything but somedays can be very challenging. In about a 1 1/2 they will all attend different schools....it is hectic now...I can't imagine what's coming...regardless, my husband and I coordinate daily and need each other's help to make sure the boys are taken care of. That being said, after being pregnant three times in the last five years and my youngest about to turn one, I have gottent his burning desire to have a fourth. I have always had "belly envy" but this time it's different. I see other pregnant women and it immediately takes me back to when I was pregnant. In reality, we are not having more children; however, physically and emotionally I would have another. It's as if my body is craving to be pregnant. It is very strange phenomenon but at the same time it may just be normal for us moms to want to physically and mentally have life in our bellies - especially if we are fortunate enough to have had good pregnancies and healthy children. I suspect that much of my recent emotions stem from knowing that we are not having more children. For some women, including myself, it is a difficult decision that takes time to accept. If you have a third are you going to want a fourth? I wonder if in a different word or life I would have had six children, maybe....but bringing children into the world is a major responsibility and each family should evaluate their lifestyle in making the joint decision. You need your husband on the same page. Perhaps in time you both may agree that it may be the right decision for your family. But it would be best to make sure to get out of the funk before making ANY decisions. You are both still very young with time on your hands. (My first was born when I was 36.)

I totally feel your pain, my husband And I went through thus too. Prior to having kids we both agreed two was our number, but after having our first I "felt" three was what our family needed. Even the first week of bringing our second baby home I kept looking around for the third when I was trying to keep track of my toddler. When the discussions (arguments) for trying to conceive the third got heated things got tough. My husband never withheld sex, but he always trusted I would never "trick" him, and there was a lot of crying on my part. We had a lot of serious discussions, and in the end he knew that as the mom and the one who would be raising the kids day in and day out, my "wanting" a third held some weight. I am typing this as I nurse our third newborn! At this point I am not shy to admit it makes me very sad that I will never be pregnant again, experience the joy of birth, or will ever hold my own brand new baby; but I do not actually want another child. I know that we are done and that four is too many for us.

My advice to you is have another serious discussion with your husband. Agree to let the subject drop for a defined amount of time, agree to seek the counseling he has suggested, and have him agree to open up the discussion again at the set time. In trying to 'convince' my husband, we both realized there are a million reasons to NOT have a child, but the only reason TO have a child comes from your heart. And I am sure you both know from your experience, that if you do have another child, he will love it unconditionally and won't be able to imagine life without him/her. He will not regret having another baby, but you don't want to spend your whole life regretting you didn't. Best of luck!

I think it is part hormones and part envy. Your friend just got pregnant, so you have an escalated need. Also, since your husband thinks it would be ok if it were to just occur, that makes you anxious too.

After my daughter turned 2, each month I would get crazy... For me, pregnancy is not a simple thing at all. If I get pregnant, the likelihood of me being able to carry it is close to nil. If I am able to carry it, I have to get on heparin shots twice daily to maintain it. So, though I wanted to give my daughter a sibling, it was making me an insane mom each month focusing on a child I didn't have and not focusing on the one I do have. My husband and I went through a lot of discussion before he finally made the decision we would not have another. This took a huge burden off my shoulders... I am now able to relax knowing it isn't expected of me to have another baby and my daughter tells me all the time she doesn't want a bro/sis - she likes it the way it is. I bet your kids probably like it the way it is too. :)

If you can't get past this need, I think your hubby is very kind in suggesting counseling. Talk it out with someone else and try to see how wonderful a life you have with two gorgeously healthy, happy kiddos.

Good luck!

I know you've gotten a lot of good responses. It's hard when you and your husband feel so drastically different on this subject. I was in the same position as you but I was the one who didn't want more children and my husband did. I only have one son and there was no way I was going to get pregnant again. My son is the love of my life but I just couldn't do it again. It was too stressful for me personally and financially to have another baby (I was also 40 at the time so I had a really good excuse not to do it again). However, my husband really wanted another baby (and still does) but I finally had to tell him the truth that I couldn't handle it. We could have a happy family of 3 or we can have another baby and I can have a nervous breakdown. I can do a lot more for my one son than I could with more kids. I work full time and my son gets my full attention when I get home. So my husband agreed to my wishes. You don't want to have a baby if both of you aren't happy about it - that's not good for anyone. Therapy will definitely help with your feelings - it may not change your feeling but you'll be able to channel them to a better place. And if you really want another child around maybe you can take in foster children or volunteer at a daycare. Some people get a new puppy or kitten when they can't have more children. (We have 2 cats who are my husbands babies) And you're really lucky to have 2 happy healthy children already so you have to try to focus on that.

Good luck! I hope this helps.

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I didn't read all of the answers so someone may have already said this but I had REALLY bad PPD. It really caught me by surprise because it didn't really hit it's worst point until my son was over a year old. A few months after I stopped breast feeding is when it became overwhelming. I wouldn't discount PPD. It was also my experience that going to a psychiatrist was better because he had a much better knowledge of all of the different antidepressants and other options. Talk therapy can be great but having a doc who will do a psychological evaluation as well as hormone testing will help you figure out whether you are dealing with an emotional or hormonal issue. The fact that you can see the logical side of it and realize that you can't get past it emotionally might point to a physical problem with your hormones. If you're noticing a big swing each month in conjunction with your period it might be the hormone swing and not just the disappointment of not being prego. Everybody says exorcize and eat right and you'll feel better. I hate that!!! I don't want to exorcize and I do want ice cream!! Unfortunately it is true that improving your health habits will improve your emotional well being even though it won't fix it 100%.
Don't rest until you are feeling more peaceful and in control. It sounds like you are really struggling with this. When my hubby and I were debating the timing of our first child we went round and round about it. Finally I told him that I didn't even want to talk about it for 6 months. I was in the same boat as you. I wanted to get prego right away and he wanted to wait. By not even discussing it at all for 6 months we were both able to stop being so defensive of our opinions and really talk about it as a team. I got my way and was prego within 2 months after we started talking about it again.

I went through similar feelings when my daughter turned 3. I was ready for another. My husband was on the fence. When she was 4 he we started to "try" more frequently. Then she turned 5. Still no second child. Then 6. Still just one. (And all the time fearing my husband would change his mind totally against it...) I actually got tired of the roller coaster....roll the dice, wait for a postive test and then get my period time after time after time. Infact I found out about Mamasource because of my secondary infertility and wanting support.

When our daughter turned 6, I realized I was not feeling so desperate anymore. It had been painful but I was beginning to enjoy life with us 3 bears and not obsessing over my friends with more than one child and or children with big age gaps. I took up surfing and found a new thing to obsess on! My periods would come and go without my profound depression. About 6 months ago my husband asked me if I still wanted another one. I told him I wasn't ready to shut the door yet. But that I was pretty content with the way things were.

Unbelievably I am now 15 weeks pregnant with number 2. I had almost completely let go of the idea of number two. We are so happy...even though our children will have a 7.5 year age gap. But I feel I would have gotten to a point of peace about just an only child even without this baby. So this baby feels like 100% pure bonus...just like our first!

I know this spiral well. The worst time for me was when our daughter was in preschool and I was surrounded by moms having their second and even third child and the question, "Are you going to have any more?" and sometimes I would find myself babbling about infertility and mixed feelings and feeling downright crazy! Then when I started to occupy myself with other activities and meet other parents who were "done" having kids, the emotions became less intense. It took time.

Believe it or not, no matter what happens, you won't always feel this way. I was so relieved when the roller coaster slowed down.

I have seen a therapist too for about 11 years.....but I have found the most helpful support coming from Mamasource and knowing that I haven't been alone. Best of luck to you and no, you are not crazy....

I JUST came across this article a few minutes before reading your post. Thought I'd share:
"My Husband Said No. I Don't Hate Him."
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/my-husband-said-n...

The author has posted a couple of entries about this on her blog...
http://blogs.babycenter.com/mom_stories/i-want-more-kids-...

I think you need to respect your husband. i have 3, and 3 is more work, and more expense. Hotel rooms are designed for 4, cars are designed for 4, restaurants are designed for 4. Just because you want something SO bad doesn't mean him not wanting it should be ignored. I think COUPLES therapy sounds like a better idea than you alone. Why is he so against it?

You did not state how old your or your husband are. I am wondering if you are having the mid 30's need to have children because my clock is ticking urge. You do have to respect your husbands wishes. I had two children and I wanted more. My husband said no and we actually discussed his fears. His reasoning was very real to me. He was afraid of another child having allergies and asthma and feared all that we had to go through. I respected that decision and then amazingly we decided to have another child 8 years after our youngest and then we struggled to get pregnant. That was devastating to me. Two miscarriages in 12 months was so heartbreaking. I had to accept the fact that I was meant to have only 2 children. I was getting older and we gave up. Long story short, baby #3 came and then SURPRISE 18 months later #4 came and we, as a couple could not be happier and these two both have health issues but they are small issues when compared to the older kids and we will get through it. SO, respect your husbands wishes and LISTEN to his feelings and then just live your life and share the life you have with your children and you never know what will happen later. Just keep your relationship strong.