I Think She Hates Me

She doesn't hate you, you're her mom! They go through stages and it's normal. I have an 18mo girl and she is very independent and although she goes on a "daddy" kick every once in a while, I don't feel bad, I'm happy. What worked for me......I am always the authority and whether she likes it or not...I'm the adult. Don't lose the control of being the parent as you try to re=engage her and don't become a play mate, by any means, in the mix or you will loose respect. make sense?

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Is everything ok with you right now.. sometimes people, even young people .. reflect how we feel .. are you also alittle bored.. summer is coming .. switch things up and have fun! .. As she gets older her needs change.. time for you to find a mommy and me for the 2 of you even if it doesnt start until fall.

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Babies don't suddenly hate their mom's, so please don't worry about her loving you...she does! I don't want to panic you, but please take her to the pediatrician. It may be normal, but it could also be quite serious. My son was diagnosed with Asperger's Disorder, a mild form of Autism, when he was an early teen. He was not making eye contact for years, and plenty of people...his 2nd grade teacher, his grandmother...thought he "hated them." There are therapies that can be quite successful when there is an early diagnosis. Again, I'm not a doctor, but please talk with the pediatrician. I wish we had known earlier about what was going on with my son.

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hi S.;

i would bet that what's happening is a combo of things; first of all, toys probably don't interest her. neither of my children played with toys at all until they were over a year, they just didn't care about them. it's very possible that no toy will interest her. kids don't inherently know how to play with toys anyway, they only know how to explore things. you could try showing her how the toy is meant to be used and see if she follows but what i would do is toss the toys into laundry basket and stash them in the closet for two or three months, then reintroduce them.

secondly, are you going outside? babies that age do like new enviornments. try a grassy park, a clean beach, a playground, a play center with a baby area. anywhere that she can crawl around freely and look at stuff. as another mother pointed out, it sounds like she is very bored and needs a change. and please don't prevent her from getting 'dirty,' babies love to be dirty, and healthy babies will not get sick from normal playground or fun area dirt. of course don't let her eat it, but don't panic if she sneaks some; my 16 month old stuffs fistfulls of sand into her mouth every time we go to the beach, and would eat dirt by the spoonful at the playground if i did't stop her.

also, perhaps your baby is very very smart and needs some kinds of stimulation that are more compelling. have you tried DVDs like Baby Einstein or Teletubbies? my 3 yr old boy didn't care for TV till he hit about 2, but my daughter has loved TV since she was about 8 months and she would talk to it and get excited about it and point to it and laugh. some kids get a lot out of it. it's not a bad thing, it can be a great thing, so long as you don't make it a substitute for your attention. also, try music, and try reading to her. and how about finger painting? i put my daughter in her high chair at the table, cover the table with a plastic table cloth, put her art smock on and let her go crazy with the finger paint; she does eat it but i get the non toxic and it has been fine.

as another mom suggested, but i would say AFTER you try these things, you don't see a new interest, then i would take her to the doctor. look at her for other ways in which she might be despondent; is she a bit yellow? very tired? not gaining weight? if so then she could be having a nutrition problem of some kind. also, what are you feeding her in general? if its only baby food, start trying exciting solid food like zesty fruits, crunchy vegetable, ice pops, chewey bread. that could wake her up and renew her interest in all kinds of sensory things.

good luck!
J.

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Hi S.

I have an 11 month old and what they are doing is developing their own sense of independence. My son does the same thing. He just wants to explore his surrounding on his own. Keep your head up, you are the sparkle in your little girls eye.

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Hi S.. Your daughter doesnt hate you, I'm sure. When you have a baby, they are the center of your universe and it can come as a shock when you are no longer the center of theirs. She is able to do things on her own and is discovering her independence. At this age, babies aren't content to simply be cuddled or to have someone do everything for them. She wants to look at her own books. She wants to explore. She's getting to the age where they like to have things that grownups have. Make her a basket of safe kitchen things that she can play with - plastic utensils, measuring cup, tupperware. They often like these things better than toys. As your daughter grows, remember that as a mom, you are growing along with her. Follow her lead :)

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It doesn't sound like she hates you - it sounds like she's starting to get independent. She doesn't want you playing with her toys with her - she wants to do it herself. I would chalk it up to growing pains. My daughter goes in cycles, doing the same thing to different people. On the weekends, it's Daddy or nothing. If our neighbors are here (she's adopted them as family ;-)), I might as well be chopped liver! The zoning out would worry me, though. What does the pediatrician say? It might be that she's just naturally a "couch potato"! I'm a couch potato, and my husband is never still. My daughter follows his personality, getting bored with ANYTHING after a maximum of 10 minutes. A movie can hold her for about half an hour now...and she's almost 2!

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I can relate. I was absolutely overcome with adoration when I had my first daughter.(and still am). She always had a great bond with her dad, which was/ is wonderful...BUT. At one point, she didn't want me around anymore. She would cry when i would hold her, she wouldn't play with me, she wouldn't sit with me..it was heartbreaking for me. She always wanted her father, which was good, but really..I thought she hated me. I had to adjust to her needing more space than I was allowing her. She really never changed, but we have a Great relationship (she is 12 now). I think that I had to learn to give her a lot more freedom and wait for her to come to me. I do know that she loves me and needs me, but it's just not how I thought it would be...it's just her personality (which is remarkably a lot like mine)
She loves You more than anything. Look for it in different ways. Love doesn't always look the way you think it should..we learn so much about love as parents.

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Is she crawling now? Once my little guy started crawling, he just wants to go, go, go. He used to sit with me and read books, play little games, etc, but now he's just a busy bee and loves to explore rather than play with me. That could be it?
You could always check with your doctor if you're concerned also. Try not to take it personally! I'm sure you're a wonderful Mommy and that she's just coming into her own personality!
L.

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The zoning out thing sounds weird. You may want to bring her to the pediatrician to rule out things like mono. I don't want to worry you either, but better to be safe than sorry.

Other than that, she may be ascerting her independence. Which can be heartbraking but also thrilling. Let your little one explore the world around her.

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I think you should talk with your pediatrician about this shift in the way your little girl is relating to you. As you may know, the first year of life is rife with change and developmental shifts. That is the good news. Your little girl may be asserting some independence, and you would do well to support this. It is very difficult for mommies when their little babies pull away like this, but rest assured that she will be back as she moves between phases of development. All of this assumes that there are no developmental problems, which is why you should check this out with a sensitive, patient, sharp-minded pediatrician. And then monitor the situation. In any case, sit tight as you figure this out, and try to keep your needs and wants in check as she grows and develops.

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I'll probably get flamed here, but please don't think that this has anything to do with vaccines. I know that there is stuff out there in the popular media about this but there is *no* scientific link! Our friend is a neurscientist who specialises in Autism. The genesis of Autism is much more complex than that.

Not to mention - Thimerisol has long since disappeared from vaccines but the Autism continues to go up. Autism does *not* come from vaccines.

However, do talk to your ped. He or she will let you know if it's the normal need for independence or something else. You will likely find that it's absolutely nothing to worry about.

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Your baby doesn't hate you....no child at that age hates people. They are taught to hate, believe it or not. You haven't done anything wrong. All my boys, except my youngest one who just turned 9 months, want to flip pages before I read. So, many times, I ask them or tell them what the characters are and what they're doing to summarize the book story. Buying toys really isn't the answer. Get out while the weather is nice and go to the park or take her out for a walk, go to the store and walk around...probably be good to have a stroller or a basket to put her in if she gets too tired to walk. You can even get those "leash-like" things that wrap around their chest and they can run, but you hold onto the leash so they are not out of your sight. I do that with my two older ones and will get a new one at some point for the youngest one. Also, perhaps she's testing you even at this young age. To see if you pamper her when she whines, cries, throw tantrums and as hard as it can be, don't, I mean don't give in and let her know that you're the mother and she will learn that you're the boss, not her. Be active outside the home with her and that may be what she wants to get out and try to do that. I have one question though...is she verbal at all, saying dada, nana or whatever? I know from my personal expereince if the child isn't saying anything eventually they get sooooo frustrated and either throw a fit and get rough or cry in frustration. I am not saying that she should be saying words, every child is different and some faster than others and by no means they are not smart. Some develop faster than others physically, mentally, verbally, and emotionally. Try taking her out and do thins with her rather than buy toys fo her. She may be the type who needs to get out instead of playing inside. TRUST ME, your child does not hate you. She LOVES you and you are a world to her. Just keep loving her, but don't let her get away with things and right now she's too young to be punished or anything, show her how to properly say no thank you and you do it and eventually she'll catch on, maybe alot later. God bless you and your child and hope everything turns out fine and I will pray for you and her and your family.

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There is NO WAY she hates you! I would have this checked out - maybe she is sick? Don't keep these worries in, have a talk with your doctor.

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she doesnt hate you:)

does she play with anyone? does she play with you at all? if so, i wouldnt worry at all. she sounds like she is trying to play with objects, and although she may not be playing with them in their intended way, she is having fun. then you come along and are interupting her. it sounds more like she is frustrated about all this.

im not sure what you mean by bored. remember, as adults we shouldnt put OUR feelings on babies as they just dont comprehend things like we do. my husband would sometimes do something and be like "ok, all done" as HE was bored and forgot that a young child is much more intrigued by theses so-called boring playtimes. just make sure its not you who is bored.

i agree that maybe it would be good for both of you to get involved with some things like playgroups or daily outings. it would connect you both in a new way. i remember before having my 2nd, how much fun i truly had jsut going out anywhere with my daughter, it was just her and me.

now finally, im not sure what you mean by "zoning out". is she just really intrigued by an object? or is she literally staring off into space where you have to snap your fingers to bring her back. i think either to set your mind at ease(first thing) or to start looking for the cause(second thing above), dont take chances. its always better to be safe. good luck, please update!

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Hi S.,

At that age my son was just on the go! He did not want to be on the lap, he wanted to climb and get his hands on everything he saw. It's great, healthy, normal! It's painful that baby is just a little les mine every day, but that is the plan. Like others I agree it would not hurt to discuss the zoning out with the pediatrician. Another thought, I know that at this age, there can be a lot of seperation anxiety (around 9 and 18 months are the 2 peaks according to my pediatrician), and this can lead to changes in sleep pattern (more waking). Also if she is on the verge of a major cognitive or physical milestone (such as walking) this too can disturb sleep. If her sleep pattern has changes, she might be tired. Fatigue plus all the excitement/stress of becoming more autonomous can result in a cranky child. You will do yourself and your child a great service if you don't take these things personally. Keep remembering that you have developed a strong healthy attachment and your baby trusts you and trusts in that bond enough to reject you when she needs to for her own developmental purposes.

About being bored, maybe she is, and it is just time to branch out, not necessarily with toys. Baby's get agitated with too much stimulation, but toddlers are a different story! My son just loved to be in the playground, seeing all the kids play, crawling on the equipment and just staring at trees and clouds and sky. Also he loved to be in the bucket swing. She may just be ready for more new stimulation. Getting bored is likely a sign of being more advance cognitively, she may just be ready for more stimulation and is feeling secure enough to even get bored.

All the best!
C.

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It worries me that you think your baby hates you. I hope you said it somewhat jokingly. If not, I'd encourage you to explore where that is fear coming from. You sound frustrated and sad that you are having trouble engaging your daughter the way you did when she was younger. At 10 months your engagment will be different and it will continue to change.

There is a wonderful method of infant engagement called Watch, Wonder, Wait that puts a high regard on infant led interaction.

I would suggest letting your daughter lead the way and let her engage you when she wants to. She is starting to play and explore the world by herself which is wonderful. I would sit close by, on the ground and watch her play. If she looks up at you or holds an object to you you can say, "yes, that's a red spoon." You are getting into the age of circular play, ex. she gives you something and you give it back over and over and over again. Just let her choose the activity and go along for the ride. It's really fascinating and you can learn a lot about your girl.

Also, the "zoning out" is a natural infant state. There are 6 awake states

drowsey or semi-dozing
crying
alert and active (this is when babies can be engaged)
alert and inactive (they won't be responsive to cooing and such) You may find her attention is focused on an object or on sucking something or just "zoning out". It's normal and fine.

10 month olds are fascinated by anything, you don't need to buy toys, they'll be content with safe kitchen utensils. You may want to designate a low drawer or cabinet with things that she can explore on her own.

Enjoy your daughter and don't take her refusals personally, Remember that crying and other vocalizations are the only ways she has to communicate. She can't say,"That's ok mommy, I just want to read the book by myself."

Good luck

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Did she have a vaccination just before this happened? If yes, email me: ____@____.com.

S. Hoehner
www.sharethecause.com/detoxqueen

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One thing for sure, I would not get anymore vaccines until this blows over. I have three children and have been around a million kids and have never heard of this in a 10 month old. Are you breastfeading? If so make sure your diet is organic or at a minimum, get rid of the food with preservatives and addititives and food coloring in your diet. If she is formula fed, try switching to an organic formula like Similac organic and give her organic baby food. If it is the vaccines causing this behavior, time is of the essence in terms of changing her diet and getting her back on track.

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There is no way a 10-month-old suddenly dislikes her Mom. A couple of things may be going on here--she's just starting some independence? But I'd call your pediatrician and ask some questions. When is the last time she had a vaccine? The zoning out comment worries me and not to be panicky, but bring her in to discuss this with your pediatrician.

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The only thing I can think of is that she is learning some independence and is asserting herself. Most likely it will pass soon. In the mean time maybe turn on the radio or the music channel on cable. Don't bother her, just see if she gets up to dance or do something other then "read" by herself. Another thing you could try is get a kids book, sit on the couch and read it loudly. It could attract her attention and she'll come to you on her own. You could do the same thing with sitting on the floor and playing with her toys. Pretend you don't see what she's doing unless she comes to play. If none of that works you should consider discussing this with her doctor.

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Talk to your ped. about the zoning out. Otherwise, give her a little space to try things on her own! I have to respectfully disagree with the person who said to turn on music, or try to pull her attention away from reading by herself. Doing activities by herself is very healthy! It is much better for her than having to be entertained by mommy to be happy. When she's done her activity, surely she'll want to spend time with you. She just doesn't want her activities to be managed by mom - let her follow her own curiousity.

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S.,
She DOES NOT Hate you!! Don't worry about hatred until she's a teenager (J/K).
I'm sure she's just trying to assert her independence. She's learning new things, and learning how to do stuff on her own.
I'm sure that you are a great mom and that she loves you more than anything in this world!

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Hi S.,

Is this only with you or is she the same around other people? Has she had any vaccines recently? I would check with the doctor about the zoning out. Or just research it yourself on the internet, just to be safe. My son just turn 1 years old and wants to explore and play on his own. Its funny I tease him I fill his truck with his big legos and he pours it out all around the living room and tries to put them back himself. :) She just maybe getting her independence. Good Luck!

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I'm sure she doesn't hate you. I have an almost 5 year old daughter and 13 month old son. I will tell you whta I tell her, back up. Your baby will come to you when she wants to. Let her do her thing, play with her books, blocks or whatever it is she is trying to figure out. Kids these age are all about parallel play. When she needs a hug or a mush, she will come to you. It sounds like your daughter likes her independence- one day you will be grateful for that.
good luck.

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Honestly, I wouldn't take this behavior to heart. Obviously easier said than done, but what I think it may be is that she is trying to assert her independence. Does she seem to be more developmentally advanced than other children her age? Are there other times when she seems to want to do things on her own? 10 months may be a little young for this, but I seem to remember my son starting about that age, which is when he started to pull up, cruise and crawl all at the same time. She may also be getting some teeth, which can make the most happy baby turn in to a grump. Just enjoy the activities she does want to do with you and maybe find some new ones you enjoy doing together. She still needs you to play with her, even if it is just in a side-by-side fashion. Good luck and enjoy her while she is still little!