June 03, 2009,
H.B. asks from Smyrna, TN on May 28, 2009
I Think My Husband Is Having an Affair
He has been less interested, non responsive, and flat out cranky with me. Today he left his cell with me and I found another number saved in his phone under his sisters name. I called it and a woman answered telling me she was looking for her daughter. How would I approach this topic with my husband without accusing him? I love him, but I'm not going to be a doormat. I'm not sure how to work with this. I know I would tell anyone of my friends to boot him to the curb but it seems so much harder to take your own advice.
M.H. answers from Chattanooga on May 29, 2009
I think I would hired me a private inv. and look into and see if he having a affair. you would be shock if he had a affair I would watch where he go and find out why he is not interest in you anymore. Don't let this go on too long just keep up where he is going.
L.D. answers from Raleigh on May 29, 2009
As a marriage and family therapist who has dealt with this issue professionally, I know how hard this can be. An affair, if it's happening, does not need to be the end of a marriage. It can actually be the impetus to create the relationship you both have always wanted. As you're finding out, it's really easy to say "boot him out" but a lot harder to do. You have three children and fixing their parent's marriage is better for them than if you divorce. I recommend getting counseling, even if he won't go with you. An outside, unbiased perspective can help you discover what options you have and which one is best for your overall goal. I also recommend "Why Men Cheat" by Gary Neuman and "Surviving An Affair" by Willard Harley. Good luck.
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M.S. answers from Memphis on May 29, 2009
First of all, you aren't sure. Watch, document and try to figure out if it is true or not. In the meantime, try to remain calm for your children. Document, Document, Document. IF there is something going on, you will have a lot of thinking to do. It is very hard with little ones but also easier in some ways as they don't catch on as easily. IF something is going on, you will have to decide how you are wiling to live. Since you have called the woman, she will let him know you called if she is a "friend". Check your bank accounts to make sure everything is as it should be. Start saving a little here and there so you have an emergency fund. A big factor in this is your husband, even if you want him to stay you need to prepare yourself for the alternative that he may want to leave. I am sorry that you find yourself in these circumstances, I have been there. If you need to vent, please feel free to email me.
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P.P. answers from Memphis on May 29, 2009
H., my husband has cheated so many times, so let your husband know to use a condom if he is cheating. I know it is hard to take your own advice to boot him to the curb. I have been married for 19 years and every year their has been some outside mess. It will continue and you have to make that choice to leave on your own. Please get proof before you leave, men always leave stuff behind to catch them in their tracks. So, be prayed up and do you!!
A little about me: I am a mother of 4, my husband gives me his last and spoils me a lot to make up all his hurts he has done to me and his charm keeps me here and my children.
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R.H. answers from Fayetteville on May 29, 2009
You will know your husband in cheating when you say, "I think my husband is cheating". Never ignore your woman's intuition, it will save your life. Do not play games, do not waste time. The same way you posted the question on this site is the same exact way you should ask him about it. Once you took those vows everything that is his is yours, and everything that is yours is his. So you had all the right to look at the cell phone that belongs to both of you and he carries. Once you are married you trade the I(s) for We, the M(s) for Us.
Be open and honest, but also listen to what he has to say. If he says he isn't, let it go. Everything done in the dark will come to light. Give it time, all will reveal itself.
You do not want to be the self conscious, low self-esteem nag. This will create more problems and give him more ammunition for the reason he is cheating once he is caught, red handed. And if he really is not cheating, than you will have the attitude that will help you get back to the peace of mind that you had.
Whichever way it goes, "Be Cool!" If he is not being honest, that will make him sweat. But hopefully he will be, so you can start rebuilding.
One last thing, make sure you pray before you begin the conversation. Have God be the center of the conversation and help you navigate well for a positive outcome. by a positive outcome I mean; truth, honesty, forgiveness and intimacy. Nothing beats make-up nookie between a man and wife.
God Bless and Good luck,
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A.T. answers from Wilmington on May 30, 2009
My best friend is going through a divorce right now and she never saw it coming. She has amazingly dealt very well with it. She asked him very pointed questions-the ones you never really want to ask but have to in order to get through your grieving. It wasn't the first time he cheated on her. She forgave him the first time, they went to counseling and he did it again 5 yrs. later. Check the computer, that was where he hooked up. He was also very good at hiding things. You can take the computer to a store and have the hard drive read. My friend was able to make copies on a disc of his activities to use in the divorce if necessary. Remain amicable has been her mantra. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Many years ago, I read a book called "How to hide money from your husband...and other time-honored ways to build a nest egg" by Heidi Evans. It is worth the read and it is a relatively quick one. Just don't let "him" see you reading it! Start stashing money away as a savings. A dollar a day is good. You may want a "very trusted" friend to keep the money for you as you really don't want a record of it and make it accessable. If you do go through a divorce, the money can be used against you as assets. A PI is a great idea if you can afford it. Visiting a lawyer for a consultation isn't a bad idea if you can get it for free. They may give you tips and bring you up to speed if the inevitable occurs. My friend has almost eaten through her retainer. A good lawyer can be very expensive. Ask around to friends who may be divorced for lawyer recommendations as not all divorce attorneys have your best interest at heart. A woman usually is good, but not all are. Start collecting information of finances like account numbers for investments, bank accounts, etc. Check around. Look at phone bills, cell and house, check credit cards for money spent outside the usual stuff. Copy tax returns, salary, insurance policies, shared property like mortgage, deeds, titles, etc. I guess my biggest suggestion is to prepare yourself for the possibility that you are leaving him at some point. Take care of you and your children. If there is an alienation of affection suit in your state, you can always slap that on the other woman. Not all states have that. Men can lie well and they will continue to, so try and find out as much as you can. It continues to be a hard thing for my friend to understand as she never thought of her husband as a lier. The lies are compounding as we write this. He is with the babe and she still hears lies out of his mouth. It is not easy. But first and foremost, take care of you and the children by preparing for the possible. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
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C.F. answers from Lexington on May 29, 2009
I have felt similar to you before. Although I never found out, I changed my perspective. I highly recommend reading the book Created to be His Helpmeet by Debi Pearl. I know that it is a controversial book, and you may not agree with everything it says. But the basic thought on the cheating aspect is to do everything in your power to keep your man from cheating. If there is another woman, don't let her win. I cannot do the book justice with my summary. Please try and read it. It really changed my marriage!!
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B.L. answers from Jacksonville on May 31, 2009
I doubt that he would have left his "affair phone" with you if he was having one (what if she called it?) I would ask him, lovingly and NOT confrontationally, what has made him so distant. Perhaps when you're both in bed, before going to sleep. Tell him that you're worried about him, and that you love him and miss him, and ask him about that number in his phone... (again, make it a safe environment to talk to you).
There are a lot of bitter responses here from people who have been cheated on, so they assume the worst. He may or may not be having an affair. It can be awfully insulting and hurtful to be wrongfully accused, but you should be able to talk to him and tell him your concerns and feelings. Men have feelings too; when my husband doesn't want to talk, I snuggle up to him and touch him and won't go away until he does open up.
Dr. Laura has a wonderful book called The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. It literally turned my marriage around from being one of much anger and hostility, to being one of much joy and bliss. It details many cases of men who cheated, and WHY. GOOD men don't cheat unless they aren't getting their needs met at home. So often, husbands take a backseat in the family once the children come along; they miss their wives and need attention and affection just as much as women do.
Anyway, don't assume the worst until you have much better information. And if there is an affair, is it because of low character (and he'll be a repeat offender), or is it because he's being neglected at home? Don't give up yet.
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E.M. answers from Louisville on May 30, 2009
just because hes being distant doesnt mean hes having an affair. you need to get more proof then go from there