I Recently Started a New Job, and I Feel like Nobody Likes Me.

Sounds like you learned a big lesson; NEVER confide in anyone when just starting a new job. You have to wait minimum of SEVERAL months before you can even think that someone is trustworthy of confiding in. You have to apologize and make things right, this will take a while and will not work at first but its got to be done before you will be accepted.

I could have written this! Friends a work do make it more fun but can also go south quick and make things miserable.

Try to find a little time to take care of you each day.

coming here and kibitz with other mamapedia moms helps me a ton.

Been there and learned this lesson: first 90 days you have no opinion. You listen. You get to work early. Leave about 15 minutes late. This discourages tattlers from lying about your hours and work ethic. Eat lunch with the ladies or team and just be a sponge. After the 90 days you have learned who the busy bodies are. You have seen the cliques. You are ready then to form alliances and can start eating lunch alone of you deem that as necessary. Good luck. Start your new 90 days now.

I love Granny's answer. That's exactly what I did when I first started my current job. I was pleasant and listened taking notes in class (3 months of training so it was a long time). I had lunch with the gals in class, Took breaks with them and listened to everything not really sharing much. I worked there several months before anyone knew I had kids, where I lived, hobbies, etc.

The reason was that you really don't know who knows who. You might be talking to a new hire but she might have gotten the job because she's friends with the boss. You made a rookie mistake of sharing your feelings which are valid but at this point your job is to listen and learn.

Do you have access to email? Can you compile your questions into 1 email a day and send it off to your mentor? I use to mentor new hires at work all the time and the ones I liked best were organized in their thinking who took notes and used the training material first before asking their questions.

Hang in there. You'll find your place soon. If not remember that its just work and not your whole life. When things weren't good at work I'd remind myself that they paid me to be there and when I left my real life started.

i'm sorry. that's a tough place to be. what makes me saddest is that your husband, who should be your partner and supporter, has checked out.
i strongly suggest that you never, ever use someone at your place of work as your confidante when venting about work-related issues. your ricochet scenario is all too common. venting CAN be very helpful (so long as you vent and move on, don't just endlessly complain at one person who gets sick of being a Giant Ear) but you need to be smart about your choice.
there are a lot of concerns here. it could be nothing more than a bad day, but it could also indicate a pattern of depression and poor coping methods. only you can tell that.
are your kids always fighting and sassy? they have bad days too, and it may be that they're picking up on your dark cloud. it's also possible (and likely, i'm sorry to say) that if their mom feels generally ignored and unsupported they're acting out from the insecurity this causes in their lives.
this is a new job. you don't make instant friends. many people try to overcome this by oversharing, a false intimacy which feels real because of the vulnerability, but as you see here, this is exactly what happens. another possibility is the new 'friend' is super-uncomfortable at being the venting place of someone new whom she barely knows, and feels a need to distance herself.
friendships take time to develop, and it's never never never a good idea to vent about a new boss on a new job to anyone who works there. you may have irretrievably poisoned this well, but if you counter this unfortunate misstep by keeping your head down, your attitude up and your work impeccable you may be able to power through it.
of course, this will be tough if you don't have a good home life and sympathetic partner to come home to. but that's a whole 'nother ball of wax.
women can be catty. so can men. but remember there's another side to this story, and it could well be something like 'can you believe the new chick in the receiving department? she's been here for 2 weeks and came to me bitching about poor martha who's doing her best to train her. but she hasn't even read the manuals and martha says she can't complete the simplest task without her holding her hand all the way through. oh gods, here she comes, i need to disappear!'
the home situation requires more than can be tackled in one response. the work situation requires a reset and a firm attitude of professionalism to get yourself on a better and happier track there.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

Suz T., New Granny G and B. have given some very insightful observations.

I don't know of any adult who goes to work to make friends. We go to work mostly because we are not independently wealthy and have to work. We go for the paycheck and that is the main thing. My mother taught me so many valuable lessons. One that really sticks with me is keeping the main thing the main thing. Don't get caught up in your feelings because feelings can lie to you.

It is poor form to discuss your negative thoughts at a new workplace. You don't know the dynamics of the interpersonal relationships of the people you are now a part of. You don't even know the culture of that particular workplace.

You need to hit your reset button. Listen more and talk less. You need to figure out how to get whatever it is you may need from the mentor or how to operate successfully in this workplace.

It also sounds to me like you take very little time for yourself and your needs. It also seems like you have a difficult time getting your viewpoints heard at home and responded to in a positive manner. You could stand to learn about the art of effective communication which involves listening as well as speaking.

I hope this helps you in your journey in this new workplace and at home as well.

When you are new at a job, you have to be really careful what you say. Sorry you're feeling uncomfortable at your job. The first few months at a job can be very stressful. But it will probably pass and you will fit in. Work hard, hang in there, and don't say anything negative to anyone.

It's a common feeling before you find your place and fit in.
A lot of this is going on inside your own head.
Imagine you've got these two beings sitting on your shoulders.
One is your insecurity telling you you're worthless.
The other is your self confidence saying you're brilliant.
Just tell your insecurity to shut up for awhile and listen to your self confidence.

See if you BELIEVE you don't fit in, you eventually make it a self fulfilling prophecy.
If you BELIEVE you're the neatest thing since sliced bread came along - then you ARE.
Get this straight in your head and the rest will follow!

Sounds like you need a friend, please figure out that co-workers are NOT friends.

When my hubby and I first got married I moved to his town. I left all my family and friends behind. So when he got the first few months phone bills he was flabbergasted by the long distance bills being in the hundreds. This would be like expecting a $50 phone bill and it being $300 instead.

We had gone into therapy to work through some issues with my daughter who was just 12. Hubby mentioned we'd have to pay our co-pays the next month due to our phone bill being so high that month.

The therapist sat my hubby down. He asked him these sorts of questions:

"Do you really want to be part of a discussion about cramps?"

"Do you really want to hear how some other woman wore this color shoes with that color dress? And that her slip was showing? Or that her dress was too short or too long?"

"Do you really really want to hear how being married and moving to a new town is harder than anything else she's ever done? Even being with you and being a newly wed doesn't take the pain away from mourning for her friends? Women need girl friends. Men really really really don't want to fill that role unless the like talking about shoes choices and clothing styles and all that stuff."

My husband said no. Then he gladly adjusted the budget to cover any phone bill I might make. He also called the phone company and got us on a long distance program that would cost less.

Women need girlfriends they can talk to about sex, clothes, shoes, purses, kids that drive them crazy, and more. Co-workers cannot and should not fill that role.

Please rethink what an office setting should be about. I know having working relationships with people you spend the majority of your life with is optimum.

They don't like you. You came in new and then talked bad about one of THEM. This is a faux pas that will take time to overcome, if ever.

Look back on this as a learning experience and move forward. Stay below the radar, do your work to the best of your ability on time or early, and pray they don't find reason to terminate your employment over this mistake.

Hopefully it will work out as you prove yourself to them.

.

You received very wise responses. I noticed in the first line of your post, you used the word "overwhelmed". Given this new transition in your life, and your loneliness both in and out of the workplace (and in your relationship with your husband, it seems), I wonder if it would help you to find a warm and caring therapist to see each week....not because you are in a crisis, but just to help you process the parts of your life that feel stressful. If you aren't already seeing someone, maybe give it some thought???

Yeah, that's why I suck it up and keep my mouth shut and head down. I am NOT looking for friends at work. I do not complain and when I feel like I REALLY need to vent, I go to the bathroom and vent to the person looking back at me in the mirror. It will take time, but if you do not engage in any further gossip or bad-mouthing of anyone, eventually this will blow over. Only time will help.

As for coming home and being overwhelmed, I use my commute to transition from work to home. Play my favorite music, sing and just don't relax as much as possible while driving. It helps that I go against the commute traffic so it can be a pleasant ride. When you pull into the driveway, give yourself a minute and prepare for what you know is coming. A minute or two of quiet mental preparation goes a long way!

Love the answers given below.

I agree with Suz - when she said people may have perceived you as being catty. You complained to a coworker about your mentor - who may have been there for years. New person bitching ... like everyone said, take your venting home.

If your husband won't listen, call a friend. Put it in a journal. Go for a walk once kids are in bed, whatever you have to do to let it go. If you need help, then I like the idea of approaching your mentor/trainor with questions. But do the work first.

You can undo what you did. You could apologize and own it. You don't say what you said in response to your mentor when she confronted you. I hope you didn't blame your 'friend'. You just say you were feeling overwhelmed, and you feel bad that vented. Your mistake. Won't happen again.

As for not meeting friends or bonding right away, love the advice about listening for 90 days. So true. I never wanted to align myself with people who overshared or who wanted to best buds right off. That's a red flag. Better to take it easy and natural friendships will come. Be yourself. But be positive. If you're feeling negative - positive people will stay away.

Good luck :)

It might not be that no one likes you, they don't know you.

When you start a job everyone has their eye on you on how you perform the tasks given. It takes a bit before the other employees warm up to you and include you in the mix. Complaining to someone at work you don't know is a no, no that you now know. You don't know if this worker was a plant or someone out to cause you trouble with your mentor. Now you have to find a way to make amends to your mentor for what was said.

Think of it this way, you learned what not to do and not every person you work with will want to be your friend at work. Work is a place you go to make money to pay bills and better yourself. Friends are people you have or know and do things with after work. It is best to keep them separate.

Good luck going going forward. Do seek counseling for your other issues at home with your husband and kids.

the other S.

Some jobs I had no friends. This job I do, and it's a little weird to me because I'm used to being friendly but not friends. I would not lean on your DH if he's not good with emotional issues. I would phone another friend.

As for the mentor, take your issues to her directly. Perhaps start with, "I think we got off on the wrong food. This is what I expected from a mentor. This is what I don't see. What was/is your expectation for this partnership? How can we meet in the middle?" Or "In trianing, you went over x and y. I'm a little unclear on y. Can you please elaborate or direct me to someone who can show me again?"

Not knowing you more than what you wrote, I can't tell if the expectation was not clear, or if you were expected to know more or do more by now and aren't. I would also keep things like that out of the office. Keep it to yourself because apparently you have someone who likes to gossip. I learned at one job not to relay too much information. If I had an appointment, it was just that. I have an appointment. It was none of anyone's business what it was.

That said, many times people become managers by default and are bad. My sister is dealing with one now. If it's not a matter of her holding your hand and you really can't manage in this office, dust off your resume. But I also think that if you had some friends outside of work that you could really lean on, you would feel better in general. Think about improving your out of work life so you are not looking for a BFF in the office. Focus on being a professional at work and let your hair down at home.

Hard lesson learned, but make sure you reflect on this experience and what you can learn from it.

Why did you apply for this new job? For friendship? Socialization? Because you were bored? I'm guessing the answer is no to each of those. Most likely, you accepted this job because it provides income that you need.

I don't mean to minimize the importance of having good support at work, or to suggest that you can't be friendly with co-workers, but you made a critical mistake of assuming too much familiarity with someone at work. Someone you were just getting to know.

I know it can be lonely starting a new job, but when you are on the job, you have to put on your work face, your professional face and remember why you are there.

In the workplace, it's best to keep your opinions to yourself, and if you have questions, direct them to your mentor or supervisor. Doesn't matter that she's not warm and fuzzy. She's not there to be your friend. She's your mentor.

Some people in the workplace, supervisors and mentors included, are difficult people to deal with. It's just a fact. You have to learn to deal with all kinds of personalities, the nice ones, the backstabbing ones, the flaky ones, the fake ones, the domineering ones, and the crazy ones. Every workplace has them.

I'm not trying to be mean or dismissive of your feelings. Most people would feel hurt or betrayed by what happened to you. What I'm trying to stress to you, however, is that you must go to work and realize you're there to perform a function.

That said, I realize how valuable and necessary good friends are. Do you have good friends? It's so important to have people we CAN confide in, share experiences with, etc. Work hard to reconnect with friends you may have lost touch with. Try to cultivate new friendships by joining groups outside of work with others who share your interests (book clubs, gardening clubs, sports groups, arts/crafts groups, etc.). Good friends and people who support us are crucial to our well-being. Life CAN feel overwhelming, and even more so when you feel all alone. Please do whatever you need to do to strengthen existing friendships and develop new ones.

The last place I would trust people is at work. That sounds awful, doesn't it? But, it's true. The ramifications from telling too much isn't worth it. That being said, you can and will develop relationships. Give it time. Find other ways to manage your stress. Take a yoga class once a week before coming home. Confide in a friend. Workout. Get a good night's rest. It's tough to cope well with things when we are tired.