I Need Your Advice.

I am so sorry to hear of the hurt that Shawn has caused in Caleb's heart!
You could share with Caleb that he has a Heavenly Father who will always love him -even when he does wrong things. This Heavenly Father will never leave him or say or do anything that hurts his feelings. Even though Caleb cannot see this Heavenly Father, He is ALWAYS with him, going through stuff with him-this Heavenly FAther feels so badly for Caleb right now that he is hurting in his heart, and desperately wants Caleb's love and longs to love Caleb for the rest of his life! Nothing or nobody can can ever stop the love of the Heavenly FAther!
Hope and pray that helps little Caleb-as well as you too!

R.,

Have you sat down and spoke with Caleb? My daughter doesn't like when my husband and I argue. She gets scared as she knows children whose parents are divorced. I don't know how bad your argument was and what stared it, but I will tell you what I tell my daughter and maybe this will help. People who love each other don't always get along. It doesn't mean that they don't love each other. Also, it doesn't mean they stop loving their children.

My suggestion is to talk to Shawn when things have calm down. Talk to your children, at least Caleb, and let him(them) know people say things when they are upset and they don't mean them.

Making hasty decisions is not the best thing to do. Think about it and maybe talk to a professional. An unbiased 3rd party can really help people.

Good luck and God bless you and your family.

M.

I'm so sorry you're in this tough situation. Since you and Shawn have a son together, it doesn't sound like you're going to be able to cut him out of your lives. I would try to have a serious talk with Shawn about Caleb's feelings and about the fact that Caleb has a bond with him. Hopefully Shawn will be mature enough to realize that being a father is more than just sharing DNA and that Caleb would be crushed if Shawn played favorites. You might also point out the problems it could cause between Ryan and Caleb...jealousy, resentment, etc. and that this in turn could create problems for Shawn and Ryan. (As Ryan gets old enough to understand what's going on, he may feel bad about his father not treating Caleb equally and may feel torn between being loyal to his brother and his father...not good for the psyche!).

I really hope things work out. This could really affect Caleb's psyche and ability to form attachments if the only man he has ever known as a dad abandons him just to hurt you. I'm sure you never saw this coming, but please be extra careful in future relationships. I know there are no guarantees with relationships, but try to make sure you're certain about a man before introducing him to your kids, and try to make sure any new relationships are with men who are mature enough to put a child's feelings and needs first. If your children have already been hurt by Shawn, it will be extra important to be careful with future relationships. Good luck!

He is not a man if he would say something like that. I do not care if that is not his child, he has raised him and should never isolate him like that. That is really too bad that Shawn ended up being a boy and not a man. Just cut your losses and talk to your son. It is not his fault that Shawn is immuture and should not have children. Kids are stronger than we give them credit. Just take it day by day, but you can not make someone care for your son that does not. That will do more damage than good. Good luck, what a terrible situation to be in.

I think you've gotten a lot of great advice here but I think the most important one for you to focus on is that your relationship with your sons is #1. Make sure they know that no matter what happens, YOU will always be there for them and that MOM is the one constant in their lives. Any man that has come before or after them could never take their place. Caleb needs to feel the depth of your love and assurance that you are the rock on which he can depend. With your love, he can heal from the hurt that Shawn has inflicted upon him and with your guidance, and in time, he can forgive.

There are obviously some issues that need to be dealt with between you and Shawn. As already suggested you need to have a very serious talk with Shawn. Since you have a child together it will be very difficult to just cut him completely out of your life. However, your son has an attachment with Shawn and he needs to be a grown up and realize that.

You're treading on some very thin ice here. Caleb is old enough that he understands what is going on. Shawn has been the only father figure he has ever known and feeling like he is being abandoned by that father figure could affect not only future relationships, but how he deals with life in general.

If Shawn is going to have contact with his son, then he has to recognize his role in Calebs life as well. It's a package deal. Once you have your discussion with Shawn you can sit down and talk about the situation with your son. You can be honest with him, in simple 6 year old terms. Be sure that he understands YOU are always there for him.

Also, as already suggested, please be careful in future relationships. Children are so precious and we have to ensure the people we bring into their lives will help them grown into healthy people instead of inducing scars.

Hi R.

I'm so sorry this has happened!

My advice is to get counseling. There are trained people out there that know JUST what to do/say to help your kids AND YOU. If you need help finding someone to talk to - let me know and I can help you.

This is serious stuff you're going through - and with little kids. I think it's too much to do on your own and you need to get help. It's as if your family has a broken leg and you need to go to a doctor to get it fixed. Ya know?

You're in my thoughts - hang in there.

Dear R.,

I am very sorry for you and your son. First of all is the argument on Friday night something that has happened in the past?? Have you really looked into why you are in this relationship? Is this relationship healthy for you?

This break up is going to affect all of your children just like a divorce. However, you are their rock. Keep letting your children know that you will always be there for them. I know your five year old is going to feel like
the only dad he knew walked away. But it is how you handle it that helps him to heal. Make sure the school knows so his teacher can better understand him. Sometimes they have special support groups in school that help divorce families. Even though you weren't married on paper doesn't mean it doesn't feel the same.
Do you have a Church you belong to? It is so important to look to God for all of our help.

I am a 56 year old mother of four and grandmother of nine. I have been divorced and I know the effect it has on everyone. I hope I have helped some.

Blessings M.

I guess I'm not clear on something. Are you breaking up because you two got into an argument in which your boyfriend said something nasty that was overheard by your son? If so, in all honesty it seems like a pretty silly reason to break up and put the kids through the trauma of losing another father figure. I know your bf hurt your son, but that's what happens in close personal relationships of every kind. We hurt each other doing or saying stupid things now and then, and then we make up. But we always love each other no matter what. Compassion, Honesty, Forgiveness and Love can go a long way toward healing every situation life throws at us. Maybe this fight will be the trial that tempers your relationship with the bf and makes it stronger. However, maybe all past and potential futures indicate to you that maybe it truly is time to let it go - you're the only one with the full story, and even you only have half of it. Maybe you should sit down with Shawn, and get his half. If you guys are breaking up then there is nothing to be lost by some honest evaluation of where you each were coming from and how you interpreted events.

I agree that Caleb needs honest reassurances from you right now that this is not his fault or because he's not good enough. Was Shawn just angry at you or is he someone who will reject Caleb again? How is he with Tristan?

You and Shawn need to pursue this further unless he's being abusive. You've allowed him to have a close relationship with Ryan. What I don't know is - Is Shawn closing the door on that, or are you? I'd check with your local community mental health facility or somewhere that you can get free or cheap counselling. How about Steelcase's employee assistance program? Wedgwood Children's Homes in Kentwood may be able to recommend someone or help you directly too.

If this does blow up, please be very cautious about allowing a man to be a parent figure to your children in the future until he's proven to be tried and true.

I also agree that you need to invite God into your life and the life of your children. This'd be a great time!

R.;

This is a tough situation, and I can only say you should follow your heart at this time. Protect your son, and make sure he understands he has a father out there. If there is any way that you can get in touch to see if he would be interest in seeing him (as some men are interested when the child is older - babies/ pregnancy freak men out.). Assure his biological father that you are not after anything, that his son just wants to meet him. Or just let it ride. Let him know the truth. It will be hard for him to take, but help him understand you love him. Answer his questions no matter how painful. Honesty is important - even for children. (It instills honesty in them, too.)

Best of luck and I hope all works out for you in the best way.