I Need Some Real Mom to Mom Help!

You've received some good advice so far, and I've got a little bit to add.

You mention your daughter is 3 and she started pre-k this fall. As a former preschool teacher, this concerns me a little bit, because pre-k is usually reserved for 4 year olds who would be entering kindergarten after completing one year of pre-k. I'm wondering if she is perhaps in a class that is too old for her and there is too much being expected of her. Often, when there is too much academic prressure placed on a child, they will regress behaviorally like your daughter is doing.

I'd be curious what the age range is in the class she is in. Is she the only 3 year old in a class of 4 year olds? If so, you should see if she can be placed in a class with children closer to her age, so there is less pressure on her to perform. I'm willing to bet that if she's placed in a class of 3 year olds, she'll relax and go back to her normal self.

Hope this helps.

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Oh dear --- something is really not working for her. In my grandmother/mom/preschool teacher ( have been doing this for 40 years -- am SOOO lucky) opinion-- you need to become a detective -. If she could tell you-she would - she can't ( she likely doesn't really know herself what has gone so haywire.
Check out - carefully and by watching -
1. is there some physical issue?? - ( is it time for a well child check up?- has she ever seen a dentist? - is her vision ok? - is she hearing well?? ---

2. Try observing her preschool - is a child there bullying her - is an adult there being unkind? ( it can happen anywhere - I could tell you stories about excellent- licensced places that had--- briefly--- people who were horrid to a specific child)

3. Is there someone in your extended family ( neighbors- church people- friend of the family) who seems to set her off???

Be a detective, M.- something is wrong for her-- and you need to know what.

Blessings- J. -aka- old Mom

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One of the first things that comes to my mind is what is going on at day care, because if she is trying to push the limits at home, then she is definitely doing it at day care and either no one is paying attention to her, or they are just not disciplining the children in an appropriate manner. I would talk to the ladies at the day care and find out and honestly if she is changing because of that environment, then I would rather have my well behaved child at home than a tantrum throwing kid at day care. Sometimes the social interaction is not such a good thing. If she is hiding things at home, then may be she has a hard time sharing with other children which is perfectly normal. If she was potty trained and started wetting herself during the day, then may be they are not paying attention to her cues- is she going to the bathroom by herself or does she need assistance? It's a hard decision,because I know kids need social interaction, but if she is home, then may be you can get her into play dates and into groups with stay at home mamas and it will be refreshing for you too.
Good luck!

by the way, we decided that I would stay home with my son, even though times are hard, because that way I can really get him on a schedule with projects and educational play time, etc.. I have a degree in Early Childhood Ed.

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I had some problems with my son which started at age 2. We moved him from that daycare to a new one and it got worse. Finally we got him into a fantastic Montessori and his behavior improved drastically. Unfortunately we moved and were thrown back into bad behavior when he started a new school. It occured to us it was the schools. He wasn't happy there, so acted out the only way he knew how.
We interviewed new schools with him in tow, choosing the one he wanted. We haven't had an issue since. An option may be to check out other schools. This one may just not fit for your daughter and she's attempting to tell you that in her own way.
Good luck! It's a hard time but you'll all pull through it!

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3 years old is way tooo young for the structure and academics of a pre-k. Children learn through play, not sitting and worksheets. If you want social practice, which is great for her age, find a school that is child-centered and focuses on play. I am sorry you are having a hard time and hope things get better soon for you guys. Best of luck, L.

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You need to speak to her teacher(s) and find out what is happening at school. You should consider observing her classroom. You're right, talking to a 3 year old like an adult doesn't work. Maybe you could play act school with her, or get her to draw pictures of school. Also, you didn't say how many days a week she is in school and if she is getting enough sleep or food, and if you are expecting another child. Going from being home all day to full-time or even half-time daycare/preschool, could be very disruptive and tiring. Good luck!!!

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I don't agree that she needs the social interaction. We often push kids and over inflate the importance of socialization.

It sounds like your daughter is over stimulated - very much so. This is an extremely stressful situation for her and it is not working.

Not everyone likes, needs or wants that much stimulation from others.

Bring her home and give her space, see what she does when she has a few weeks to relax.

Friends come when they do. Sanity and inner peace, a chance to express without pressure, this is what is precious.

Take the pressure off of her - this can cause long term problems and teach her that her own inner peace is to be ignored - for what? She'll make friends when the time and people are right. If she is happy and has peace she will find the right people and her place in society.

Mom's should listen to our hearts and throw away these "rules" about how to raise a child. Your inner compass tells you. Expert ideas should never override your heart and her signals to you.

She is 3 = don't talk to her like an adult. Lovingly observe her and create a loving and peaceful space for her to discover her life and explore in.

Take it easy on yourself too, sounds like you are working too hard to do it right. Each kid is their own person and has to have time and space to find that joy within.

Less talk, less stimulation, more loving interaction, walks and gentle exploration of the world.

If she desires socialization, find a play group or take her to the park. It sounds like she is just too young for this.

Enjoy her!

N. Marie
www.naomimarie.com

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I don't have a child that age yet, but I have done a lot of nannying and have seen children act this way at preschool before. Usually it was accompanied by another change at home or they were simply just not ready. Maybe you should pull her out and get her involved in some more Mommy and me type activities for social interaction.

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In my experience, it sounds like she is in need of mommy time. I am also dealing with something similar. They are still very insecure little beings, and need all the mommy support and encouragement they can get! Without it they fall apart. This is what is happening to my 3 yr. old (I do childcare in my home). I have been making an effort to do things with her and focus more on her right now, and boy does it make a difference! Good luck to you!

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that's a good question it sounds to me like she is just not ready for school yet. I would pull her so that she gets more time to grow up with you and feel more secure with herself. by leaving her in school at this difficult point in her life when she is so fragile and impressionable you risk setting up patterns for behavior in school that could be very negative and could have a lasting impact on her view towards school. One thing I see as a kindergarten teacher is when a child has behavior like this she risks being ostracized by her classmates which could have a very detrimental effect on her self-image.
As far as socialization goes give her another venue for that...like sunday school, playdates, art or ballet class etc. Good luck

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All I want to know is on what planet do three year olds converse as adults and understand adult talk? As long as you continue to expect her to comprehend and converse on an adult level you aren't going to make any headway at all.

Children are children with lesser developed brains that have lesser developed ability to comprehend adult issues. It's not a myth but a physical and psychological fact. In fact I don't believe that children or adolescents have developed enough brains to understand adult issues until they are adults.

If you want to make any progress you should first accept that your child is only three years old and then find a way to communicate with her so she can comprehend what it is she's doing that you don't want her to do and what it is that the adults around her want from her. It's quite possible she's simply acting out, not on purpose of course but unconsciously, because she's being asked to attend school at three years old when she's still not much more than an infant.

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If this was my daughter and I had an option, I would pull her ASAP.
I think there may be two options: one might be that your child simply isn't ready. In that case you can socialize her in other ways, like play groups or some sort of classes that gives her a chance to work on her social skills.

Far more likely your preschool just is not a good fit for your child. That does not mean it's a bad teacher or school, it just doesn't work out for your daughter. Maybe the group is too large, the age difference to big, maybe the teachers personality or the curriculum is not working for her... it could be a number of things.
If you have given it a few weeks, if you have talked to her teacher and attempted to address the problem and nothing has changed, pull her, give her a bit of time and/or enroll her somewhere else.
Good luck!

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I think it is a sign she is not ready for preschool. She is expressing herself in the only way she is able at the present.

I also would ask some questions like: Is this the right first experience for her? Is she getting her needs met? Is the atmosphere too overwhelming? Is there enough supervision? Is she feeling picked on by other children and/or the teacher? Is she getting enough outdoor time at school?

She just might still be too young even if you answer all the questions. You might try play dates at home and/or going to friends houses with her for visits for social interaction for now.

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Hello M.,

I am a former preschool teach, nanny and a current parent coach. Preschoolers often have a hard time transitioning into school. It's a big change, and from what you're describing, I bet this is the issue.

I believe strongly in having 3+ year olds in preschool. It helps a lot with social skills. To make the transition easier for your daughter, become a parent helper in the class. Every teacher needs additional help and you being there will provide your daughter the support she needs.

You may also want to invite a friend from preshool & their Mom over for a play date. This will encourage her socialization.

If your daughter still shows anxiety after trying these suggestions, you may want to reconsider waiting another year.

I wish you the best. I hope the preschool program works.

R. Magby

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I want to reinforce Judy C's information and advice. Something is very wrong for your child. You can ask questions of those who are around her but even more important is to observe for yourself. Spend time at the school. If possible watch without being involved as well as being involved to see what the attitude and actions of the children and staff are.

You could try playing school with her at home. See what she does and how she tells you to act. Give each of you different roles. Have her be the teacher and you the child and set the scene as you, the child, just wet your pants. Another scenerio could be you, a child, have a toy, ask her, a child, to take it away from you and then ask her what you should do. Give her a doll and suggest that she's the teacher/aide and the doll is her. You suggest that now it's time to work at the table or other activities that you know happen at the school. That sort of thing.

Because she was getting along well for several weeks I doubt that this is the regression that sometimes ocurrs with new things but it is possible that is what is happening. Perhaps there is a new student with whom your daughter does not get along. There could be something new anywhere in her life that does not seem important to adults but which is important to your daughter.

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Hi Melissa,
You have gotten some great advice so far but I would like reiterate what Megan S said about pre-k and age ranges. Even when children have the academic skills to fit in with older children, they may not have the social skills to deal with the other children. Is ther another school nearby that your child could attend that would siut her age better? Or are we just assuming that the pre-k at the current school is ages 4+? I really like what one mom said about role playing with your daughter to find out what is happening at school. Talk with her teacher and find out what your daughter's behavior is at school or if the teacher has observed anything that might cause the change in beahvaior. Perhaps (and hopefully!) there is something simple to deal with! There are lots of groups for social interaction, but I know that finding one that suit your schedule can be difficult. Especially if you are a working mom; most groups meet during the day. Good luck, Melissa!

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First thing I'd do is talk to her about school. Find out (without leading questions) how she feels about school, her teacher, her friends, etc. Make sure there isn't a bully at school, or a teacher being mean, etc...

Also, if this is her first year of school, I wouldn't do more than 2 days a week if you can. Half days are the norm and are probably all she can handle.

It took my daughter a long time to adjust each year to the new school schedule again. The biggest problem is how exhausted school made her. If your daughter is no longer taking naps, I'd consider trying naps on school days. Make sure that she is getting 12 hours of sleep.

I wouldn't give up on school just yet unless she hates it.

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I would like to know what is going on in that classroom. You should go have a look for yourself. She may be pushed around by one or more children. She could have difficulties with the teacher. It could be many things and small children cannot usually tell exactly what is going on when questioned directly.

One of my children vomited on the desk by 11 am every day in second grade. I went to the classroom and saw that the teacher had signs up saying what good little boys should do and what good little girl never did.
She was mentally oppressive and terribly out of date.

I was called to school often but did not get the picture until I had a talk with the school nurse at a party where we were both guests that she felt my daughter was really a strong personality who had stood up to the teacher the only way she could.

By that time we had switched our daughter out of that classroom. The rest of the school year went well.

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Pull her from school. She is only three. She needs mommy time, not social interaction. That can come later. You want your child to love school from the start. You will never be able to go back and do "three" over. Pull her. Spend quality time with her. You can do craft projects and learning letters at home. You can join a play group for social interaction. Some kids just aren't ready at three. It's okay. I'm a mom of two darling little girls, 5 1/2 and 3. I'm cutting my own three year old down from 3 days a week at preschool to two because I think she needs a little more mommy time too. She's just a bit shy and quiet. The older one is much more independent and had no problem. Kids are just different.

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Does your daughter go to school part time or full time? Does she like it? Maybe there is a problem at school that you don't know about. If possible, I would suggest a preschool program that is a few half days a week, especially if she is used to being at home. Also, are you confident in the place she goes to school? If not, you should try a different place (with a small setting). If you don't feel like it could be a school problem, just be consistent and supportive and it will probably pass. Good Luck, S.

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I'm a mother of two girls, eight and four and I'm still home with my four year old. I would recommend pulling your daughter out of pre school. She is obviously acting out her dislike for this place and isn't handling being separated from you. If you're working and it's a must that she go, then she will eventually get used to it but you will have several more weeks of the tantrums and you'll definitely have to set some ground rules at home.

You can do many other social activities; join a mom's club, go to play grounds. I used to take mine to McDonald's. It's free and there are always kids. Malls have free playplaces too with some good social interaction. Meetup.com is a great way to meet other moms in your area with children her age. You may not always like the other moms, but it's really for her anyway. Goodluck.

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I know you'll get lots of good ideas. No one way is right for everyone, we're all different. Here is what I have done/(am doing) and it has worked for me.
I start my kids in school when they are 5, in kindergarten. For social, they are with kids their own age at church on Sundays. I also swap babysitting with other moms so the kids can play together at that time. I also have play dates where the kids play and us mom's can do 'projects' (sewing, sorting through kids clothes, cooking, photo albums, etc... depends on the age and personality of the children for how 'involved' our projects are). It has depended on the child for how often to get together with another, anywhere from once a week to three times a week (on average).
I think watching their parents and how they interact with others can also help with a child's social skills. So opportunities for families to get together with other families, will help to. Some ideas of activities where anyone of any age can join in.... tennis (not a 'real game' of course, just fun trying to hit the balls around), soccer, kick ball, puzzle (60, 100, or 300 pieces with lots of bold bright colors), roasting marshmallows &/or hot dogs (at home or at the park over a BBQ pit), games for 'any' age(apples to apples, go fish, memory, pictionary(you could use a white board), ......
Well my little one is ready to play.
Hope this gives you some more thought and options.
If you write your question down on a piece of paper and then start writing all the pros and cons of it all (and add a prayer to Heavenly Father, if you'd like), the answer of what is best to do for your family will come to you. Don't let others options change what you know is best for your family. You are her mother and are so for a reason.
I'd love to hear how things work out for you. Take care.

I am assuming that the Pre-k class is only maybe two days per week for a few hours? If so, maybe you can work closely with the teacher on how to handle the wetting (limit fluid intake before/during class and remind her often to use the potty, ask the teacher how she is handling the wetting to make sure it is appropriate).

As for behavior, there may be many reasons for the change. Learning stuff from other kids at school, exerting her independence, etc. Give it another week or two and make sure to talk with her before and after class.

I would say if it doesn't improve, then try again in 6 months or try various classes at a community center to get her involved with other kids socially.

I didn't read all the responses so this may be a repeat - sorry if that's the case. I agree that a three year old needs social interaction - but it sounds like she needs the security of mommy too. Just because she is with you doesn't mean she can't be social - go to the mall, to story time at the library, the park (on sunny days), take a walk around the neighborhood and see if you catch other mom's out with their little ones. Strike up a conversation and set up a playdate (mommy's included). My best friendships were developed at the park while our three year olds played on the climber and we mommies sat on a nearby bench and chatted while we supervised. My son learned HUGE social lessons and I was there to guide him when needed (which is often when they are only three!). A child will feel more comfortable being corrected or guided by mom than they will by a teacher they are trying to get to know in a setting they are trying to adjust to. I don't think kids need to be in preschool at three, I know all the studies say that it will improve their skills later in life, but so will learning all those skills with mom's warm guidance. My son at four and half is now in preschool and is doing GREAT! I too, tried preschool at age three and it bombed big time! I would take her out of school and enjoy the last year you have with her of "free" time to just play and enjoy her company. It seems that we (as american society) keep pushing expectations younger and younger - I've actually heard people say "I think I should put my two year old in day care to prepare him for preschool, to prepare him for kindergarten..." Where does it stop? You have to put your newborn in daycare to prepare them to be in toddler class to prepare them for preschool... to prepare them for college and life beyond? I think we have "learned" to underestimate the importance of family relationship and the incredible amount of life learning that goes on just by spending a day cleaning house together. Good luck to you and your daughter - enjoy these years!

It sounds like the "accidents" may be either for attention or possibly her attempt to establish control. Yet my neighbor had a daughter that when she went through growth spurts, "accidents" would occur even after potty training from 3 to 5 years old.

For my son, we just changed schools. He loves his "new school", and he is starting out in the smaller classroom until he becomes better adjusted with his new surroundings. The new location is not as convenient, but his behavior has dramatically improved and he is more calm.

Does your school offer options regarding different classrooms or combination days/times per week? Maybe either modifying the classroom setting or when she attends may help.

Best wishes!

I don't know if this will help. My 3yr old daughter also started preschool this year. She was fine for the first couple of weeks. Then she started having fits when we would drop her off. She would also have crying fits when I would drop her off at Nana and Papa's which we had been doing every Tues. and Thurs. for a couple of years. So I think it is just a phase and something you will have to work through. I almost pulled her out of school but she needs the social interaction also. So we just kept doing the same thing. Now she looks forward to school. So to get to the point, my daughter is just trying to exert some control in her life. She also wont eat anyone elses spaghetti now. She use to eat everything. It took about six weeks for her to go through this phase. Hope this helps a little.