I Need Some Input from Other Moms...

I am curious as to what makes parents NEED (and I do feel it IS a need) to cowtow to our children's wants everytime they throw a fit.

This is not a dig or cut, but take the back pack back. Don't let her have one. If she wants another one...let her earn it. And if her "other family" has so much money...give them a ring and let THEM know she wants all these things and let THEM get them for her.

I refuse to allow a child with no job tell me what SHE wants in terms of what I can afford. And I won't go broke for one either.

The backpack you found ISN"T YOURS. It isn't hers either. Take it to a church charity and allow some GRATEFUL child to use it...or find it's owner.

It's about time kids learn some reaponsibility and accountability.

Good luck to you.

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You have many good responses regarding the bag situation.

But I think the financial situation you are in is the bigger issue. As a former single/divorced mom, I worked full time at a job with benefits. If I had a baby, I'd have to go back to work faster than I would have liked. Is there some reason that prevents you from contributing to your own family's support so that you aren't lving day to day? That is the biggest lesson to teach your daughter. To be self-sufficient, try not to have babies with boyfriends, don't live with a guy that isn't your husband especially if you have children. Why rely on a man that isn't your husband? Might his financial support prevent you from leaving a relationship that may not be the best for you and your child someday? I'm not judging because I don't know your circumstances, but I just wanted to plant the idea in case it fits.

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Wow, that's tough. I think it is natural for kids to want brand-name things. I would say, go ahead and let her have the name-brand backpack. In the future, tell her that if she wants brand-name stuff she can do chores to earn money or babysit for neighbors. Then she can afford whatever she has money for. AND you can teach her how to shop at thrift stores so she can see that even "those type" of stores carry brand-name items, for a lot less than full price.

I also think you should talk to her about how much importance she's putting on name-brand things. There's nothing wrong with wanting name-brand stuff, but not at the expense of causing stress to a family budget or hurting someone's feelings. Talk to her about people she knows that don't have expensive name-brand stuff. Are they still nice people? Does it make them less smart? Does it mean they aren't good people? And people who have that stuff, are they better just because they have it?

I know, it must be a tight spot, but teach her that nice things are fine to have but not to put things above people.

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Was the new backpack empty? It had to have belonged to someone.

I do not believe that you should give it to your daughter. It is obvious that she is stuck on the wrong idea; (that she has to have a name brand to fit in.) I'd tell her that you understand her wanting nicer things than you can afford. But giving her something that isn't hers and she didn't earn is not right either.

When my son was in jr. high, he thought he needed named brands too. I told him the price I would have to pay for the "regular" item. He had to find a way to earn the difference. She is coming up on babysitting age. She can help you take care of things around the house. (Clipping coupons was a great idea!) She already got a nicer bag than you could afford. Look how she is taking care of it and using it. If she has to pay for it, she might take better care and appreciate it more.

JMHO. Good luck with this.

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I say let her have the backpack and take back the other bag that she no longer wants.

The message is that we all make mistakes, and often times we are given the opportunity to correct our mistakes. The backpack fell from heaven as a gift. Maybe next time she'll be more patient and less impulsive.

Sometimes the answer to a want is yes. Sometimes no and sometimes it's maybe.

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Quite honestly, I think she is acting like a spoiled rotten brat. She needs to learn that your family has to live within its means, and even if that means not having "name brand" clothes, school supplies, etc, that is just what it means. We shop at second hand stores, garage sales (my daughter loves them). I don't even think she is aware of designer brand items. Just let her know that she will have what you can afford to have and no more. Don't give in; she will manipulate you and put the guilt trips on if you allow her to. Stand your ground and say no when you have to.

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First of all, she is 12 and going through all kinds of emotions. This is a tough age. My main input is to keep your lines of communication open with her.

I think someone would be looking for a new backpack if they lost it. I would probably donate it (with her knowledge) if it was not claimed somehow.

Return the expensive backpack and get something she needs.

For starters, We teach delayed gratification at our house. I do buy name, top good brands that daughter likes....HOWEVER.... if I see that it is not being used....we will not purchase more of the certain brand. Another thing we have incorporated at this time is...SHE buys her clothes.

We give her a good allowance and she is in charge of buying her own clothes. If she wants to spend $50 on a pair of jeans, so be it....BUT...she only gets so much $ a week and it has to last her (including her weekly movies, or social activities)....therefore..delayed gratification.

There is nothing wrong with letting her know about your financial situation but I would not be too detailed with her because it could cause some stress to her. Again, this is where COMMUNICATION is crucial with your relationship.

We've found that our daughter has learned how to budget when the $ is coming out of her pocket...she thinks twice about spending the extra for jeans, etc.

As for shopping for those brands, I suggest Plato's closet. They have the teen brands.

We donate all of our teen brand items to Goodwill or Allen Community Outreach. We get the tax benefit plus some young girl who might never have an opportunity to have top teen brands will be able to enjoy them.

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A.,

I partially agree with A. C. You found the backpack and it's yours. I would give it to my daughter and explain to her that the ONLY reason she has it is because you found it. Second, take the new one back and buy something you need. Third talk to her daily and teach her that things do not make the person and she has to understand that she can be a great person with whatever God provides at this stage in her life. Let her know that the next backpack/supplies/whatever she recieves will be based on what you can afford. Example, she needs socks you could let her pick out which pair of A or B that you can afford. Essentially she picks the one she wants out of the price range you give her. She is at an age where they want to pick their own things, you just decide which of the things she can choose from. Also, Sarah D had some very good advice, we do some of that with our girls.

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I would take the other one back (if possible) and give her the Jansport. Tell her you found it in the garbage/on the side of the road. She would be amazed at the amount of nice things that you can find people giving or throwing away, and at resale shops. Maybe take her shopping for name brand stuff at resale stores? I'm always very proud when I get a great deal like that.

Being her age is very rough. Try to look back and remember how mean the other kids are when you don't have the things they have. It's hard being a teen, and even harder being a teen who doesn't "fit in". When she is our age, she will realize how silly all of that really is, and not care. In the meantime, she can find other ways to have the things she wants. Maybe she can clean somebody's house on the weekends? Babysit? She can earn money, save it, and buy what she wants with it. That's what I did at her age, and I quickly learned to appreciate a good deal instead of an expensive name brand. When you are the one working for that money, you realize just how hard it is to come by. Good luck!

I wonder if you could get her to "earn" it through finding some way to save the family money in a different area (e.g. groceries). There are lots of sites that can help you save money on food and personal care items, such as couponmom.com or hotcouponworld.com. If she can use the Internet, maybe she could start compiling a list of deals and get the coupons together, or she could be responsible for organizing and storing coupons. You may already do this (coupon shopping), but if not, I highly recommend it. I wish I was doing it when I was still employed full time. Anyway, if she could save the family money in other areas, maybe she can earn a little money to buy one of the name brand items she wants.

I know this doesn't directly answer your question, but just a thought of a way for her to 'earn' something she wants instead of getting it because she asks or expects it.

Let her have it, I remember being a 12 year old girl. That is a really hard age, very emotional for girls. They are going through many changes at that time in their lives. A backpack should be the least of your worries, especially if you got the backpack free. Also, being around her other family and then coming back to a new baby is a lot to process. Especially since the new baby is your blood child, so she see's that the new baby has her real mom and real dad all together (happy little family), and probably wishes that she could have that. Just a thought, I could be totally off. But I do remember that age being very difficult. Hope everything works out :-)

I bet you get lots of advice telling you how spoiled we are as a society and she should be forced to carry the bag she asked for first. Give your daughter the Jansport bag. It's an easy thing to do. Do you remember puberty? Hardly anything is right and everything is monumentally important. Sometimes, and especially for girls it seems, having the "right" thing can make all the difference in self concept. She has enough challenge right now anyway. This one is easy; after all, the bag she wants was free! However; here's a thought: rather than simply repeating the statement "we can't afford that" empower her with fact. Show her how much money comes into the house. Show her the bills and financial obligations which must be met in addition to the desired "things" everyone of us has on our list. Ask her what she would choose to not pay or delay payment to in order to get what is wanted. Bag or electricity? The "right" bag or food for the family? Everyone has limits. Better your daughter deals with it now at 12 than struggling with it at 21 when she can really get herself into a beautiful financial mess. Everyone wants to give their kids what they want. This is an opportune moment for you to teach her a truly valuable concept. Discovering how to balance want and need (needs a bag; wants the label) accepting consequence (returning messenger bag for refund to spend else where) and learning how to nutilize resources (one persons's trash = another's treasure)are critical lessons to learn. You are the best teacher she has. GO MOM!

If she's wanting name brand stuff... shop at Ross, TJ Max and Berlington Coat Factory. I love Ross. I bought my son a pair of Nike shoes for $14. And Levi jeans for $12.99 a pair. She will be able to find a lot of name brand stuff for a lot less.

I wouldn't say another word about it. I would donate the bag you found, and take away the messenger bag (store it in the closet). Let her work it out, and be ok with the fact that she is willing to use a big purse as a backpack. You and her dad can also encourage her to get a weekend baby sitting job (there in the house with you as a supervior) or earn money in some fashion. This way you can have her earn money and buy her own necessities to help her learn the value of a dollar. In this case, actions will speak louder than words. I lived through the same situation when I wanted (insisted on) a pair of $40.00 Calvin Kline jeans (yes, early 1980's). The next day, my mom brought home applications for a work permit AND a job at McDonalds. She told me that was the ONLY way I would be wearing a pair of $40.00 Jeans! Ha. boy have times changed, but the principles remain the same. Hang in there. You are good mom trying to make the right decision.

My sister works at the Platos Closet on Hulen. She will bring home a bag of stuff that she only paid $20 for which includes shoes, shirts, belts, etc. She used to work at Marshells and said that she saves way more money shopping at Platos than Marshells, plus all their stuff is name brand. Name brand jeans, $14. You could probably get her a school bag there, make her happy and you will feel better not giving her the Jansport you found.

If it were me, I would not take it b/c it is not mine. Someone is probably looking for it and that is what I would teach my own children. I would hope that if they found something some day that belonged to someone else that they would try to get it back to the owner. Obviously, may not be realistic in this situation; however, it should be given to "lost and found" maybe at the school? I think you know what the right thing is to do in this situation; trust what your gut is telling you. No one knows your daughter like you :)

Give her the bag you found, and take her messenger bag back!

My kids are 12 and 13, and they are fully aware of our financial situation (or lack there of). We have always been honest with them - so why stop on this topic?

We tell them we won't be living under a bridge, but we cannot afford to do ANYTHING for a while. They get it. They understand. They don't complain when they are bored at home for the umpteenth day in a row.

It has really made them appreciate when we CAN go out and do even the smallest thing.

Let your daughter know of your financial situation, and if she continues to act that way - start pawning her stuff. I'm serious. Then she might get it and appreciate what she has.

My daughter agitated for a messenger bag for a couple of years now, and my answer has always been the same: No. Not because of the expense, but because of the uneven distribution of the weight of the books. It causes backaches and can even lead to numbness in the arms from nerve compression. Better to have the backpack (worn over BOTH shoulders) than the messenger bag...but only after you've made sure no one is looking for it. And I agree with the other posters who talked about having her biological father pay for some of these things. After all, it took two to tango.

And seriously...it's only a backpack. The more attention you give this issue, the more important it will become. My daughter has traded bags multiple times for school, and has learned that some things work and others don't. Hand-me-downs and thrift store clothes look amazing when worn with dignity and pride!

I agree 100% with the post by Tamela T. Read it, then read it again, and internalize it.

Remember - you are in charge - not the demanding child.

Time to teach the lesson of delayed gratification. If she wants that backpack so badly, what can she do to earn it? Garage Sale some of her stuff? Craigslist? Also, can she babysit or dog sit? You are starting to feed the attitude of entitlement with her. Just because my friends do doesn't mean she does. Someone worked for that money.

The counselor at school gave the supplies to you so you could spend your dollars on other necessities for your family, not so your daughter could get a designer backpack.

This is a great time to teach her about work ethic and the value of things that are truely worthwhile.... relationships, not things.

Tamela T said it well. I haven't had to deal with this as a mom, but as a kid we were poor, I did not have the "in" stuff, and I survived. If the family wants to have a "school fund" for her and do that kind of thing, fine, but you need to nip this in the bud RIGHT NOW or she will become a selfish twit.

This is a prime teaching moment for you - name brand clothes, though SOMETIMES better quality, are basically YOU paying SOMEONE ELSE to advertise for them.

You have better things to do with your money, like eat and live. If she want's to wear the stuff, she can babysit, walk dogs, whatever, to make the money to buy it herself. You can provide the portion of the cost that would have been spent on the non-name brand item, but she has to make up the difference.

Teach her now before it's too late. And have a word with the away family about helping you teach her this also. Good luck!

I would give her a clothing/school supply allowance (the amount that you would spend normally on her) and allow her to pick out her own things. I would remind her she must have school supplies and clothes and explain the importance of budgeting. If she spends all her money on one thing that is her choice and she will have to live with not having any more clothes or school supplies. As far as the backpack, I would try to find the owner.

What my parents did with me is what we'll do with our kids.

If there is a designer/name brand our children feel they MUST have, I'll pay for the amount I budgeted and they can earn money to pay the difference for that item.

Having nicer things takes work, whether it's to find the right place with good sales, babysitting the neighbor kids, mowing lawns, or washing cars it teaches that nice things do not come for free. I also think it teaches to appreciate what one does have.

May I suggest doing volunteer work as a family? This may deepen and expand her world view and would benefit her in the future. :-)

I don't know what other moms may have said, but personally I would take the messenger bag back and get your money back. As far as the one you found...You found it, option a: let her have it, but she needs to realize the only reason she has it is b/c it was found. Option B hide it for next year, or C give it to someone who needs a bag and doesn't care who's name is on it. She needs to learn that a name doesn't make a person, and if that's what she needs to make her feel "in" you all may want to start working on her self esteem, and showing her how to be greatful for what she has. Easier said than done. I know...

Ahh.... 12.
If ONLY my dad would have bought me those Adidas tennis shoes instead of the unpopular ones from K Mart my feet would have been so much warmer in the winter. But on the other hand my best friend was so poor she didn't even get new shoes for school. Oh how I STILL remember those days, envying all the clothes the popular girls wore. My best friend and I survived, we've made it to 43 and still best friends!
Obviously it was a money decision in our household for me not having Adidas, not a "spoiled brat" scenario, but remember, 12 IS an extremely emotional age. Help her try to fit in, it will be good for her self esteem. And babysitting is an excellent way for her to earn the money for those material things we all craved as teen girls.
Have a blessed day,
~A.

The back back you found belonged to someone else. If I were you I'd put out an effort to find the owner. Someone else paid for it and may have misplaced it. If it were yours and you lost it, you would want it back. If you can't find an owner, then it is yours to keep and do with as you wish.

With that said, I understand you want your daughter to be happy and fit in at school. I'm not sure what "name brands" she can really wear at her age. I do know that Plato's closet is a great place to find/purchase American Eagle, Hollister, Seven, etc. at a great price. I have found things there that look brand new at yard-sale prices.

Now, if you want to buy her those things, it can be done in an economical way. Ross, TJ Maxx and Marshall are great stores and they do have great brands at cheaper prices. My daughter likes Hydraulics jeans. Well, they are $50+ a pair at Charlotte Russe. Well, we found them at Ross for about $19 a pair! I will no longer buy at CR anymore. My daughter also loves Roxy.... well, they do carry that at TJ Maxx. I bought her a $45 t-shirt at TJ Maxx for $12.

I do have one rule on clothes... I won't spend more on my kids clothes than I do on my own.

Also, you need to teach her that your income puts limits on what you can do. Let her do chores to earth some money and buy her own things. Get creative!!

Take the first back pack back to the store - and get your money back! Everything happens for a reason, and there was something that told you to pick up that back pack on the side of the road...so take advantage of the situation! Your daughter gets her name brand bag, and it doesn't cost you a thing. BUT, I would some how try to explain to her that people who spend so much time buying name brands are often trying to impress people who don't even care about them...and if you were to take a deep glance into their world you would see that they have a void, and they are trying to fill it with "things." Also, encourage her to start working when she is old enough, so she can realize how hard it is to make enough money just to buy one name brand purse...she will probably want to spend her "own" money on something else, and if not, then tell her to find a rich husband!! - Just kidding! Good Luck!

Hi A., You know, we send our kids in every day to the wolves and call it school, tell them to toughen up, don't bother with peer pressure, stand up for yourself, be happy with what you have. Sound familiar? Looks good on paper.
Fact is, more and more kids are without God in the schools and they are cruel to those that are sweet and tender hearted. What can you do?

I had one mom brag to me that her daughter drags them out to Dallas to buy name brand clothing all the time and oh the expense. She asked where my daughter liked to go. I was never good at politics. I told her that my daughter is lovely and has one of those figures where she can wear anything. She has good taste and the name on the pants is not what is important to her but how the clothes look and feels when she wears them. I said I wouldn't have a clue the latest brand names. Of course she looked shocked and I had to laugh. I decided long ago that other people's opinions didn't make who I was but it took awhile to get there and I was a grown up. Some of that rubbed off on my kids.

Give her the bag and lucky you that it was free. As for the other one, sell it in the garage sale or can you still take it back? Might also be time for your daughter to do some babysitting to make some of her own money and buy some of those designer clothes and items you all can't afford.

I'll tell you a story: My sister and her family moved to Alaska. They had a fire before they left and lost everything. No jobs, no belongings, only the truck and kids. Hard way to be.
They were poor in the true sense of the word for awhile. My brother-in-law started his own business but it never really made any money.
One day my niece, getting to be a teen like your daughter, came to her mom and asked her if she could have NEW clothes, not garage sale clothes or thrift shop clothes. She didn't want kids to see her wearing their clothes to school. My niece is a very strong individual (She's going to be a lawyer now) but even that was too much for her to handle. So my sister went back to school on top of her job and now owns her own business and does very well for the family. She sacrificed all her free time so her daughter didn't have to go to school looking ragged. Not designer mind you, just attractive so she could feel pretty and not worry about her appearance so she could concentrate on her studies.

You can't change the way things are just because you tell her to suck it up, ignore peer pressure. Breaks your heart doesn't it?

Anyway you could go back to school? Can she find a babysitting job to help herself? Do you have a computer? Maybe you all can make money that way?

Hugs to you and your family, C.

PS: no matter what, always let her know how proud you are of her and how beautiful you think she is and how thankful you are to have such a sweet caring daughter. Might be wise also to open communication and find out who and where all the pressure is coming from. May have to address that.