I Need Some Advice on a Personal Issues.

L., I think it is your "friend" that has issues and not you. She isn't reciprocal in her friendship and that is hurtful. Look and around see who else you can hang around with in your classes that is more deserving of your friendship. You don't need to give any explanations to your friend and if she still askes you to help our with her homework, so you are busy with family things. You have come so far and have so much to proud of, you deserve a better friend.

take care, M.

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Stop getting her notes!
My sister had a neighbor who would just send her children over and go shopping. She signed up to help at the school and told my sister that she was going to leave her children at her house every week while she worked at the school and that is how my sister would be helping at school.
My sister was very upset but she came up with a wonderful plan. Every time she dropped her kids at my sisters home my sister dropped kids at her home the next day. The women got the point and the situation ended.
If she doesn't get you notes don't give her notes the next time she misses class. If she doesn't save you a seat don't save her one. If she is really your friend she will fix it. If not, she is not worth it.
By the way this has nothing to do with being Latino or Anglo, it has to do with what one is taught and what is inside a person. There are unthinking people and those who would take advantage of you in each and every race. There are also wonderful people of all backgrounds.

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Hi L.... I sounds to me like this girl is using you. And, it sounds to me like she doesn't have the same value in your friendship as you do. I don't think I would try to "count" on her - like, I wouldn't save her a seat, ask her to walk to class or help her with her homework, especially if you are falling behind. Basically, set a boundary on her (in fact, I recommend that book if you get a chance: Boundaries). I'm not suggesting you need to be mean, simply, if she asks for help, just say, NO. Recently, I have really caught on to the idea that we teach people how to treat us.

Hope this helps.
R.

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Hey L.. You are definately not being treated right and I wouldn't consider this person a good friend, but I would be friend-LY. However, be careful about judging the reasons without some assurance. It may not have anything to do with your heritage. Obviously she initially befriended you, sat with you, talked with you, etc. It may just be that this person is just tactless or selffish or using you to get what she needs (Which sometimes we are all guilty of, but maybe better at covering up). Some people just want to be with what they see as the in-group.(which usually make very shallow relationships). It's really up to you how to handle it but be mindful that you don't want to drag yourself down. Don't hold a grudge because others are flawed. Be proud of the great character you have. Sadly for her, she is the person with the problem/lack of manners, or whatever you want to call it. If it were me, I would try to befriend others and just be friendly if she approached me, but move on.....there isn't a real friendship there. J. C.

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hi L.
I had 2 best friends through my school age and high schoo years it was fun till just 3 years ago I realized something I realized that it was always about them I had one friend coming up to visit her sister and she promised to come by and see me remeber same town not a big town either well I waited all day and guess what no friend I called her and she said she didn't have time to stop by I said ok so what did I do next well I let go and let God that part of my life was now closed and you want to know something even better happened I have friends that mean the world open and its not a gimmie gimmie thing it's both ways we all go through changes people grow up people change just like the weather changes I pray that it will be easy for you to make the right deasion mine was very hard in fact I cryed for 3 month because we had been friends since 1986 God Bless you
Danielle mother of 4

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Hi L.,

I think you should definitely say something to her (or anyone else for that matter) who you feel is taking advantage of you. This doesn't mean you should be mean or caddy, just have a sincere heart to heart. She is probably not aware of her behavior.

If, however, things continue after your heart to heart, then I would consider distancing yourself from her....making yourself "unavailable".

I don't know if this is considered the "right" way to handle the situation... all I know is that this is the "I" would handle the situation.

Good Luck!!

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L.,I just read your update, and I'm glad you realize that it's okay to say no. You have enough on your plate. If you are allowing yourself to get behind in your own work in order to help others, you might want to think about building stronger personal boundaries.  Clearly you are a caring, giving person, which is wonderful.  However, if you don't care for yourself first and foremost, you cannot really be there for others.  It is not selfish to take care of yourself.  This woman you discussed clearly has issues and seems content just to use you.  Drop her.  You can use the free time to catch up on your work, be with your family, and make new friends who are worthy of your time.  If she's mad that she can no longer get notes from you, etc., so what?  It's okay to have someone not like you because she can no longer manipulate you.  Frankly, it sounds to me like, value-wise, the two of you have very little in common.  Do not dignify her behavior with a conversation unless she asks why things have changed. For what it's worth, I don't think this is necessarily a racial thing. She just sounds like a user.  You can simply tell her that you have too much on your plate right now to get her notes, etc. I'm not sure I see the point in going any further. Sure, it feels good in the moment to tell her what she has been doing wrong, but to what end? She doesn't sound like someone you need as a friend, so it's not really that important for her to understand the particulars. Use your energy for something more positive.
Best,
K.

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I think you may be expecting too much out of this "friendship." It sounds like she only considers you a class-mate and not a real friend, and is friendly with you because you help her pass her classes. I wouldn't say to stop being helpful entirely, because that could be rude on your part, but you should stop letting her walk all over you. For example, if she asks to copy your notes, let her... but only if you are done with them. Don't bother saving her a seat or getting handouts for her unless she specifically asks you to, and try reaching out to other classmates to help you get the notes and handouts you may have missed. And it's definitely time to stop letting your own work suffer so she can get a good grade. When she calls you needing help on a project, simply tell her you don't have time until your own project is finished.

Meanwhile, if this has happened to you in the past, it's time to start learning how to recognize when you're more invested in a relationship than the other person is, and cutting back your involvement. You can't assume that, just because a person is "friendly" with you that the two of you are also "friends" -- for most people, a "friend" is who you want to devote time to for fun, not just for school or work or the like. Anyone who just wants your help, not your company, is an associate or an acquaintance (no matter how much you may seem to have in common with them), and you can't expect them to treat you as they would a true friend. Sometimes an acquaintanceship grows into a friendship, sometimes it doesn't; you can't force it or rush it.

I'd recommend you try looking elsewhere for real friendships -- other classmates, the bookstore, the coffee shop, campus or community events, work, etc. You sound like you have a lot to offer as a friend; time to stop wasting all that devotion on casual acquaintances. :)

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Hi L. -

All I can say is that this woman is a user -- she is only interested in people when they can benefit her in some way. Don't take it personally -- she's clearly narcissistic. She could be racist as well, but do you really want to hang with someone who would judge you based on your cultural background?

As a recent graduate of grad school myself, I can tell you that one of the BEST parts was hanging out and making friends with folks of all age groups and backgrounds -- I'm a 49-year-old caucasian divorced woman, and I now have friends who are under 30, latina, african-american, and middle eastern. It rocks!

A therapist I once saw told me that except with your children, "never give more than you get" in a relationship. Frankly, I'd just write her off, and if she asks for help in the future, I'd say -- bluntly, but calmly -- You know, I noticed that you never seem to offer to help ME. Why is that?See what she says...;)

Hold your head up high, girlfriend. It's not YOU! :)

J.

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This girl is obviously using you for your generous nature. The way you describe her actions, it is apparent to me at least, that she has no class! She sounds like a selfish, self absorbed person who doesn't deserve to have a friend like you. It sounds as if you have a pretty content life with your family and friends that you have now. It also sounds as if you may be the type of person, who like me, is just a very nice giving person that does too much for other people. I know, all too well, that is a trait that is taking advantage of all the time. The parking lot event should have been enough to make you see this girl only wants you when she needs something! Anyone who would do something like that needs to be enrolled in the basic manners 101 class! If I were you, I would stop saving her seat in class, and don't waste your time or energy helping her out with notes or her projects anymore. If she seems surprised or questions your actions, just say "oh I'm sorry, I thought that you and so & so(girl she left u for in the parking lot) were teaming up as class partners from now on. What with the way you left me the other day to wait for her, and not using the seat I saved for you, instead to sit with her. I just assumed you guys partnered up. Maybe u should?" I think she'll get the clue. Don't waste anymore time on her, this one is a one sided friendship for sure! Good luck to you, don't give up either, users will get theirs in the end. Karma is funny like that.

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Give her a taste of her own medicine. Just look for a new firend and let her do her own work.

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Hi Ms. L.,
My name is D., I'm 60 years old and until this morning was wondering why my young friend signed me up on this sight. Obviously my only child is grown, married...and I am, today, a Grandmother to 6 precious youngsters. Oh what a joy they are to me, too. I work at a local hospital in nursing administration and your letter caught my eye, as well as my heart.

You're so-called friend seems to be one of those people who are totally self-absored, self-centered, and looking out for #1 (which would be HER). Trust your instincts, L., and realize that true friendship is always a reciprocal endeavor. Sometimes it's 30-70, sometimes 50-50, and sometime 10-90, but seasons change, issues happen and so does the giving and receiving. However, the bottom line is that friendship is always "reciprocal" in nature. Why she is treating you in this way is beyond my comprehension. It could be for any variety of reasons, even one that doesn't have anything at all to do with you. (Remember, it's all about her in her eyes). She may, or may not be doing this intentionally, and if you still desire to befriend her, I'd suggested talking to her directly and candidly. You can describe the different scenarios that she has put you through, telling her when she does "thus and so" it make you feel "thus and so." I think you will find out immediately by her initial response. Either she'll care, or not. And, if she cares, you will see changes. If no changes occur, then move on and don't look back. Her time of "using you" may be over - until the next time, of course. (And with certain types of personalities there will always be a next time. If not from you, then a new "victim" is sought out.) It's wonderful to "love" people and be helpful. It's quite another thing to be their doormat.

I hope this note is helpful to you, and I also hope that this works out for you. You seem like a wonderful woman who has done so much in her young life already. Continue to be kind, but don't get beat up in the process. There are many wonderful woman out there who would love to be your friend, and treasure this friendship forever. My prayer is that you find that friend!
Sincerely,
D.

If you want to, please email me at ____@____.com. I will be ther for you.

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Sounds like you don't have a real friend. Sometimes it's hard to let go of what you perceive as a friendship, and you may like many things about this woman, but she is not a real friend. I agree with the person below (with all of them actually) who said you have to teach people how to treat you, but some people are unable or unwilling to give you what you want/need from them. In your life people will come and go, and this is ok. Very few friends are forever, and that's ok too. Sounds like it's time for this "friend" to go. As a very busy mother of 4 you need to learn how to say NO now. It is SO hard to say NO at first, but once you learn how to do it you wonder why you ever found it so hard to do. She's not a friend. Stop doing all that stuff for her and move on. When she asks you to do those things for her just say, "sorry, I can't." You don't owe her any other explanation. Once you do this one or two times you will find out how EASY it is! Please do this for yourself. It took me until almost 50 to learn how to say no, and now I have a little bit of an anger issue for letting people dominate me for years and not speaking up.
p.s - I can tell you are a very caring and sweet person. There are plenty more people out there who would love to be friends with you!!

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