I Need More Help from Woman That I Dont Know...

A., I am so sorry that this is a question you or anyone would have to ask. My opinion any time it is ok to have a friend of the opposite sex then they should have a different sex preference. I am a woman would I trust myself in this situation over time yes but, I have a family member who is now with the "FRIEND".
My husband has a few female friends but, he doesn't spend all kinds of time with them.
I think it is a fact the only friends men can be friends with is their sister!!! Best of luck to you.

-EMOTIONAL- Cheating is what I call it!

Seriously he is giving this other woman time,attention that he should be giving you and your boys. I think when one is married you lose your friends of the opposite sex unless your spouse is involved with the friendship. If your not friends with this other lady or involved it's just to easy for the two of them to have feelings for eachother or let something happen.

I once was stuck in the middle like that. I was friends with a couple who had many many martial problems and the guy started going to the bar with just me or talking to me behind her back. It got really weird and although nothing happened I did start to have feelings for him and had to end things with both of them and lost 2 friends.

I wouldn't stand that from your husband it is WRONG you can print out all our responses and show him. You need to come first in his life, you need to be the apple of his eye, you need to be his love his life. If he's not cheating physically I'd say it will happen sooner than later.

I am sorry your going through this. To me, he is not acting appropriately for someone who is engaged to be married. This is not behavior I would tolerate from my fiance or my husband and would nip it in the bud right away. Tell him you don't like it and you would like it to stop. If he refuses, then you need to leave. There is no reason you should sit at home taking care of your kids while he is hanging out with another woman. Period.

K.

I would agree with the other ladies. It's not appropriate behavior and if he isn't physically cheating now it's only a matter of time. Especially when there is drink involved (which seems to be the case when they are together). Are you close with his Mother? If she is working at her bar you might be able to voice your concerns to Mom and maybe with some gentle probing you can find out what is going on.

You shouldn't have to put up with it, so don't. It's not going to change unless you make it change.

Good Luck

Sounds very dangerous - a committed man should NEVER go out alone with a woman that is not his fiance. It is an affair waiting to happen - even if it is an emotional affair it is dangerous to your relationship. He needs to know that it is not okay with you. And he should not hang with the divorced friend for a while. I saw this all unravel with a neighbor last year - hanging with a recent divorcee led to him meeting someone and having an affair. Are you sure you want to marry this guy?
Check out www.eaglebrookchurch.com and go to 'Messages', then to 'Truly,Madly,Deeply, Stuck'. It may help if you watch these messages together. He is in or close to an affair right now.
Good luck and let us know what happens.

A.,

If your husband loves you, he would be home with you & the kids instead of sitting in a bar with this "girl".

This happened to me. I have seen this kind of thing happen time and time again. Guys just soak up the attention and the woman love to dish it out.

If you love your man, do things that are special. Do some things in the bedroom that you normally would never doo. Spark things up. Ignite things all over again. Remind him why you guys fell in love and got married in the first place!

Don't give up! Make him know who you are and you mean business!

J.

It doesn't sound good. Like they are at least having an emotional affair. You said your boys are your life. Do they come ahead of your fiance? Are they his kids? You need to make sure your fiance knows he comes first, even before the kids (I know that's hard). And you need to know he is invested in this relationship enough to get married. He needs to stop hanging out with her entirely. Good luck!

I agree with the other posts. You don't have to have sex to cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse. What he is doing is cheating in my book.

Put an end to it now. It will only get worse. Go to counseling together. I also suggest that you read the book "Love and Respect." It will give you new meaning to what a man needs. He knows you love him. What he probably feels he's lacking from you is respect. By this woman giving him all her attention and probably agreeing with him on everything he is feeling respected. Men need respect the way women need to feel loved.....

If you think they are that is enough for you to sit down and have a talk wth your fiance about how his relationship with this woman makes you feel@

After Reading What Happened I have to say...It sounds like he is trying to throw it back on you. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. This is called an emotional affair if it is not the real thing. Stay strong and follow your gut. He might not like what you are saying and continue to blame you for HIS actions...just remember they are HIS action and totally inapropriate. So sorry to hear this. Good luck.

I would get a sitter and ask if you can be included when they go out after work and then you can see how they act together. I have a male co-worker/co-workers who I go out with once in a great while and nothing will or ever has happened. We are truly just friends. Only you know your fiance and if he is cheating you will know it. I would be very cautious if he doesn't want you to join in on the activity. My husband was always welcome everytime we went and many times he did. He got to know this person very well and felt comfortable knowing that I would not cheat on him. Best of luck to you...keep talking and letting him know how you feel. If he cares about you and wants to spend his life with you he should not get upset that you feel insecure and bottom line you need to come first.

It doesn't sound good, something is going on with him. It sounds like he has already checked out of your relationship. You need to have a heart-to-heart with him. He needs to be a man a be honest with you. Be prepared, you may not like what he has to say. I'm sorry you are going through this! It can't be easy, especially with two small children.
Good luck!

A. - You need to buck up and tell him that you do not like this relationship he has with her - whether or not he is 'physically' cheating, he is 'mentally and emotionally' cheating. If you are to be his wife, then he needs to put you and the boys as top priority. I know this sounds harsh, and it's so much more easier for me to sit here and type it than for you do to it, but you need to put you and the boys on top. Sit down with him and tell him your perception of the entire situation, even your fears of 'physical' cheating. Tell him you are scared, and ask him point blank where he thinks 'your' relationship is going. Not him and her, him and you. Don't be whiney as in "I don't know what I'm going to do without you, I can't live without you, etc...." Say something like "I love you very much and I want to be your wife. But lately, to me, it seems as if you want a relationship with someone else. Is there a need I am not fulfilling for you? I don't like the relationship you are engaging in with (instert name here). For the sake of our future, I am asking you to stop. I will not let you show my boys that it is ok to be married to one woman and act like this with another. That is showing the boys it is alright to be disrespectful to a wife, and how to be a pig and that is not OK". I'm not saying that you are in the wrong with not fulfilling a need, but it is something to look at within yourself.

Good luck and feel free to PM me if you need more support.
M.

It's time to talk. He needs to know how uncomfortable his behavior is making you. Discuss what the fine line between friendship and cheating is for you. You have to come to an agreement on how this should be handled. If he down right refuses to listen to your concerns and will not "cool it" with this woman, than I would say you have your answer. Stand your ground. If this is truly innocent, than he will understand your concerns and will back off of her out of respect for you. If it continues, than you need to put your foot down and make him decide where he wants to be. I have gone through this with my husband. Eventually he got it through his head and limited the contact. Good luck and I hope you are able to work through this.

You guys are not married, it makes me wonder if you have been together for so long then is it his choice that you still are not? Not my business, but if he is the reason that you are not married, if it is because he doesn't want to get married or isn't ready then there is most likely something going on with someone else.

I would say that it is time for him to either stop this behavior with all other females or leave. Being in a bad marriage for the last 5 years (We have since worked things out) I do understand his need for communication with others, BUT how he is doing this is not right. You both have to communicate more if your relationship is to last. He needs to be hanging out with people that are going to support your relationship. A single female and a newly divorced man are not who I would have wanted my husband to be around when he needed someone.

Do you guys go to church? That would be my best advice, it sounds like you need friends and other moms to be around in this time as well, whether you stay with your finance or not. I would find somewhere that your can have adult female positive people to be around to get you out of the house and relieve stress. If he is right and you are a 'stresser' in his life, then you need to find a way to relieve that other than on him.

Let me know if you ever need to talk =)
-26 yr old momma of 2, 9 and 3 =)

Honey if you have to ask...then well, yes he probably is.

Hate to be a downer, but I've been through it. Trust your gut, you honestly already know if there's something going on. Just don't waste your time waiting for a dead relationship to come back to life.

Hi A.
My feeling is he is cheating weather it is physical or not I would not put up with it. if you do before your married he will expect it is ok after your married. Good Luck

A.,
Everyone has their limits, and we are all different, but this is the sort of behavior that I would never put up with from my husband for a second. It's obvious that he has feelings for her, or he wouldn't be spending so much time with her. It is unacceptable for a man who is engaged to be married, or married, to participate in this type of behavior, and you shouldn't stand for it. It would be one thing if this woman was a family friend, but it's another thing entirely that you're not okay with this and he keeps doing it. In my opinion, it's time to make your feelings known and put your foot down about this relationship. Ultimatum!!!

Best of luck,

Amy K

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Sounds like you need to keep going to therapy. If you think he's cheating, you should also be checked for an STD and I highly recommend that you make sure you don't have any more children until this is fully resolved. He sounds like he likes his single life. And watch out. It could start as a friendship then move onto something else (I speak from experience). I think they're spending WAY too much time together for a simple friendship. Why isn't he spending his free time with you???? Also, you might want to start socking money away to protect yourself in case he leaves you outright. Good luck!!!!

It is possible to have friends of the opposite sex. I did but any boyfriend I had needed to be secure with themselves and our relationship or there was conflict. They also needed to meet and become comfortable with each other/the situation. You need to meet the girl, with your husband, and if she won't then maybe she has feelings even if he doesn't. It's a tough call. Anyway you need to find out for sure what is happening, maturely, before getting married. And if your butt would be in trouble if you did this then you need to let it be known to him that double standards aren't acceptable. If you know God, seek his wisdom to shed light on the situation. J.

Well since you don't know exactly what is going on but I would be definately suspicous of the nature of the relationship. He may be getting cold feet about the engagement and upcoming wedding. I guess my gut reaction would be.. either me or her but this is not going to be the way of the marriage. Wether platonic or not it is definately not right that he puts himself in this time of situation.

My husband and my rule of thumb with opposite sex friends is that the partner should be given the opportunity to meet the "friend" and that the "friend" be included in our lives just as other friends/couples are -- invited for dinner, to B-Day parties, ect.

A whole seperate issue is the fact that your fiance feels he has the right to be out of the house, away from his family, every night. My husband and I both respect the need for personal space so we give each other at least one evening or on the weekends one morning or afternoon for each of us to be kid & responsibility free.

And I am the primary provider in our family so I understand full well juggling a full-time job plus a family.

Don't turn a blind eye to this. If you bring it up and he leaves -- it would be hard -- but in the end it is better you know his true feelings before marrying him.

I would not tolerate that type of behavior. It is inappropriate. If he has been cheating, I would not marry him. Your marriage will be filled with strife. I feel he has been cheating in some manner, whether or not it is sexual. He is cheating you and your boys out of time he could be spending with you. You don't say if he was friends with her before you met. If so, there is probably not much to worry about, but he should not be spending that much time with her. If she is a new friend, you have problems. Good luck.

Your fiance is having an affair and you know it. Call him on it now.

Ooh...draw a line. He needs to show full commitment before you marry. It needs to be over.
Christa

Hi A.,
I'm really sorry you're going through this. You are right in how you're feeling about this relationship with this other woman. He may not be admitting it to himself, but he obviously has some feelings for her if he's spending that much time with her. Maybe he's getting cold feet about getting married, I'm not sure what the psychological reason is behind his behavior, but you need to have a "come to Jesus" meeting with him. You need to set the boundries for him about what is appropriate friendship with another woman and what isn't appropriate.

Working with her is one thing and maybe an occasional lunch, like once or twice a month, but regular lunch visits and going out for drinks after work is completely and utterly wrong!!!! He's crossing a line and if he doesn't stop he's going to find himself in a predictament that will shatter his homelife. I've been married for 15 years. My husband occasionally goes to lunch with other woman in his office, but that is it. It's always very professional. If he were to go out after work he would bring his wife with him.
Your fiance shouldn't be drinking alone with any other woman but you!

I would sit down and explain to him what you see and how you feel and I would give him an ultimatem. I would tell him it's either you with the boys or it's her. You need to be completely honest with yourself too! He may need counseling on this to understand. Trust me on this - marriage is hard and if he's comfortable doing this before you get married then he's a risk for letting this happen when you are married. I would not marry a man who isn't totally committed to me and respects my feelings no matter how innocent he claims his friendship is.

I'm sorry to be so harsh, but I'm trying to get you to think really hard about this before you get married!!!

I would demand he stop all outside get togethers with her and I would also demand that he NOT have lunch with her ever, given this circumstance of his obvious attraction to her.

I will keep you in my prayers!

I hate to say this, but follow your instinct. My ex husband had the same sort of "relationship" with one of his coworkers. They now live together and have a child. What he is doing is wrong. As previously said, you don't have to have sex to be cheating. In my opinion, an emotional affair is far worse than a purely sexual one. Confront him, tell him what you expect of him for your relationship and then if he chooses to continue seeing her or is adamant they are "just friends", then I think you know what the next step is. If he truly loves you and values/respects your relationship, he will place your feelings first and stop seeing her. If not, then you deserve far better. Don't blame yourself either. We all have choices in life.

I fear this is much more complicated than people are letting you think. We have some married couples going through this in our lives and it's not a black-and-white-give-him-an-ultimatum thing. Now is a great time to talk with him about if he is sure he wants to marry you. If he does, point out that men and women can't be friends (for very long). Let him know if you love him and that you want to make it work but that he hurts you when he sees her because these things can move very quickly without thinking. I think if you really want to be with this man forever you need to give him the respect and understanding to have a conversation about this and put yourself "out there". If he loves you, he won't leave you to hang and if not, then it wasn't meant to be and he wouldn't be a good influence for your sons either. Sorry this is so long, I just know that placing blame isn't going to work. Good luck and I hope you can save your relationship!!

If you have red lights and sirens going off don't ignore it. Find a sitter and insist on going out with him a night or two while she's around or working. If he baulks at it something fishy is most likely going on. Try getting him to stay home for alone time, and/ or family time. Be honest with him and ask him if he's thinking of straying. Ask him if there is something that he needs from you that your not giving him. I'm not saying that it's your fault or your doing anything wrong. But my husband and I get involved with children and other stuff sometimes and ignore each other. It makes us quite unhappy and we start to feel lonely and put out. We actually have to stop and carve out time for us no matter how tired or busy we are. If we didn't work at our relationship there wouldn't be one.