I Need Ideas for When My 4 Yr Old Boy Hits

I would encourage you to give attention immediately to your 7 year old son, take him into another room, and ignore your 4 year old. This is a logical consequence that teaches, when you hit your loved ones they do not want to be around you. Later after the situation has calmed down, talk with and process what happened. You can give an external consequence if you would like (such as the ones for getting active energy out). I would encourage you to do problem solving surrounding the situation to help him think about what happened and what his choices were and what consequences those choices led to. Frustration tolerance is a skill that people and children can be taught. Right now he is 4 and does not know what to do when upset, but he can learn. A great book that I use is John Gottman's "How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child." I had a friend whose 3 year old was jealous of the 1 year old and hitting a lot. He was getting sent to time out all the time. What she discovered is that when she combined rewarding positive behavior (we often don't notice or reward our children when they are playing nicely with each other) with ignoring the negative, it worked out better for her. At first she was concerned because she felt she needed to address the hitting with consequences, but found that the other way (ignoring) just worked better. Her son was using the hitting and time outs as a way to get negative attention from her (as she would sit and talk about why he should not hit, etc.). Once she began ignoring, he stopped hitting. Good luck.

A.,

I have also used the punching bag idea. We have told our son (who's 6) that he can punch or hit pillows, couch cushions, or his mattress. But, he cannot hit other people or break things.

Once I had to physically restrain him by setting him on my lap and wrapping my arms around his entire body. While he was screaming at the top of his lungs I sang quiet songs. When he stopped screaming I told him that I would continue to "hug" him until he could control himself and not hit me or himself. I have never had to repeat this.

Regarding the words he is using. You might want to try taking a favorite toy away every time he uses that phrase, and give him a toy back every time he uses the approved phrase. This way he sees an immediate consequence that impacts him.

You could do this with toys, money in a jar (one for each son with their names on them), stickers on a sticker chart, etc.

Good luck.

I have my son do something physical to get the anger out - like run around the garage a couple of times. It works better than timeout for him, because it actually burns the "bad energy" out instead of his anger just simmereing in timeout. After that I make him apologize to whoever for whatever he did. And I say a short sentence about what he did ex :"You know it's wrong to hit."
Find a quite time and have a talk with him about why he gets so angry and give him a couple of appropriate suggestions of ways to express and control his anger. In my house the word hate is as bad as the f word!

I am like Amanda, from the previous reply. I also give out physical consequences such as run around the yard four times
or pick up 50 rock off the beach (we live on a lake). I think boys respond better to physcial things rather then sitting in time out and getting more angry. They need some type of release. Another thing that works great for me is
instead of time out I give my son a blank piece of paper and crayons and tell him to draw his anger or draw why he did what he did. You would be extremely surprised what comes out of them. Even at a young age. Have him explain it afterwards
so he feels like he was heard and you understand him.
I think with boys in general you need to think outside the box. They are so completelty different the girls...but you have to love that about them. I always expect an apology
afterward and I have a short chat (and I mean short with boys)
about what happened.
In our house words like stupid, dumb, hate, ect are like swear words. I have a 7 year old boy and he knows that these
words are hurtful. It's tough when they hear their peers talk this way.
Good Luck.

A., Many children have that kind of energy when they are angry! Give him a punching bag to hit and yell at! Love and logic are still the best answer, but your son need a place to "use" and get rid of his frustration. The next time you are angry or frustrated show him, you can say, " I HATE THIS! IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!" YOU USE THE PUNCHING BAG! Keep explaining to him, after his anger is over, saying I hate you, hurts a lot, and you know it isn't true, that he is angry and "hates or doesn't like what is happening". It will pass, hon.
good luck, K. Mom of 5 grown, and childcare provider for 30 years! Always keep a punching bag around!

It's tough being little. I went through this with my four year old too. I think she would get so frustrated, because her older sister would boss her around or talk her out of something she was playing with or maybe she didn't want her around or she was playing with something the little one wasn't old enough for. My little one didn't have the verbal skills yet to express what she was feeling and would hit and say not nice things. Just be consistent with what ever you do, it's just a faze. But keep in mind what may be provoking the behavior. Your seven year old may need a talking to as well.
~K.

Don't feel alone. I have two boys and one hit and the other didn't. It's how God wired them. Keep being consistant that hitting is wrong and he needs to use his words. My son that hits it also the one that hugs the most. He just reacts physically. So...respond physically by holding his hands when he hits and talking to him that it is wrong. Holding him when he's really upset and has hit also worked. As he grows he'll understand that it's ok to be mad, but never ok to hit someone else. Keep up the good work.