I Need Help with a Child and Step Parent Relationship.

I was 8 when my mom remarried. My stepfather was wonderful to me. Shortly thereafter, however, things began to change. I was the youngest and his kids were already on their own. I think he was looking forward to being an empty nester and my mom came along with 4 kids of her own. Only two of us were young enough to cause trouble though. He got after us (nagging mostly) so bad that my sister ended up living with her boyfriend at age 16. I stayed, finished high school and got kicked out on my own less then two months after turning 18 (aside from smoking cigarrettes, which I no longer do, I was a good kid). My mom stayed out of our bickering because I think she felt obligated to him because he supported us etc. She's passed on now but when she was sick with cancer she confided in me that she wished she hadn't let him kick me out. I was the only kid in the immediate and step-family that ended up going to college. It took me a long time before I went back to school because I was living on my own etc.

ANYway, you know your daughter better then anyone. She's a young teen and needs guidance and love. If your husband is actually causing most of the ruckus, make him understand that it disrupts the entire household -- look, you're here asking for advice aren't you? Even if he doesn't care about your daughter (which I am sure isn't the case) ask him to think of your feelings before he begins his next tirade. Hope that helps. Feel free to contact me if you would like to discuss things with me any further.

Take Care,
K.

2 moms found this helpful

i don't want to start any bad thoughts but is your daughter starting to develope. maybe your husband is uncomfortable being around her and doesn't know how to react to her becoming a woman and starting to have a woman figure. i'm not saying anything is happening between them is bad. but he just may not know what to say to her as a little girl any more. just food for thought!!!!!

1 mom found this helpful

Step parenting is a very difficult dynamic for all concerned. I have 3 step children (my husbands children from his first marriage) and we have 3 children together. Step parenting and sorting out my relationship is perhaps the most difficult thing I have ever done. The natural progression is that 2 people love each other, then have children that they both love together and would die for. When you come in as a step parent, your partner already has someone in their life they would die for and it is not you.That is very hard to accept because as much as you'd like to, you do not come first. Something inside you wants you to be your partners first priority and you fight for it, while at the same time driving the person away. It is hard and against the natural order of things. What is needed is lots of understanding on everyones part and everyone having the same goal of a loving and supportive family.

1 mom found this helpful

I know exactly what ur going through i have a 9 year old that is starting to get the same way with her stepdad. He tries to say stuff to her and it just ends up in a agrument. Is it that they are growing older and that is how all girls are or is it something different ??? GOOD question.

1 mom found this helpful

I think I have a little experience in this area, my son was 11 when I married he being my only child and the two of them needed to "work out" there relationship around the 3 yr mark. Some of it I think teen type symptoms but I also think it is/was a point to get closer, more trusting, something like, (my son saying to himself) your really not going any ware, can I trust you, rely on you lean on you etc. My advice would be to stay out only to the degree that their little spats are not damaging. If he is saying things that are not "nice" or may affect her self-esteem step in. He sounds like he is behaving a bit childish for not confronting the issue in an appropriate way....believe it or not step-parents get insecure too.

1 mom found this helpful

You may have already tried this, but did you talk to your husband in private about it? He may not like being "corrected" in front of your daughter, but in private he may be more willing to talk. Is he under alot of stress? Is she being difficult, mouthy, or sacastic (aka. just like a teenager- lol)? Maybe sit them both down and remind them that being a step-parent or a step-child is a very delicate relationship and they need to put the effort in to maintain a healthy relationship or it's going to end up putting strain on your family.

set them down for a family night and try to have discussions on a variety of subject like school, work,then try to have a fun night anf discuss what each person has on there mind bring all the problems out in the open so they can be address properly. then and only then will you posably be able to confront each of them and fix the relationship. somewhere along the line one of them did something the other did not like .that needs to be brought to surface and see what they can do about it so they can be a family again, rememeber you love them both so there is no sides it is called compromise

Get all of you into a counselor right away. It won't get better. She is a teenager and he will always think she is not doing what she should do and doing what she shouldn't do. Good luck.

M. b.

T.,

First and foremost you are her mother. You need to be the person who issues punishments if she is miss behaving. You made one curious statement. You feel he makes unfair comments to your daughter. My question is what kind of comments is he making. I know you have a relationship with this man. However, you had your daughter first and she deserves to be protected. If she is mis behaving then you need to deal with it. If she is not mis behaving and your man is just having issues, then you need to deal with him. Bottom line, you daughter should come first, she can not protect herself, that is your job.

You have gotten some great advice but I am sticking with the woman who said get counseling. I have been on every side possible. I have step-parents, I have a 20 yr old who was 3 when I got remarried and he has an 18 yr old. After all these years and couseling we still have difficulty, just like any other family. I would encourage you to make sure there is nothing going on with him regarding your relationship. Sometimes my husband is less tolerant of her if there is something going on in our marriage. There are so many dynamics that go on, that I would encourage you to see someone. If you want to contact me directly I can give you someone's name that has been helpful to us.

I just know from my own experience, it is difficult to stay out of something that is hurting your child and knowing where the line is.

I agree that counseling is a great idea. But don't forget that you're an adult/mother and your daughter needs your direction and guidance. Your husband is an adult as well, but clearly he's not behaving like one. It's unacceptable that your husband, the man you brought into your daughters life, is allowed to make unfair comments. But the harsh reality is that he can behave that way because you allow it. It's your responsibility to set the behavior standards and that they are clear and consistent for both.

In the short run you may be unpopular with your husband and daughter. You’re dealing with a teenager and her understanding, appreciation and respect may not come until she’s much older. On the other hand, if your husband continues to be disrespectful to your daughter (which is also being disrespectful to you) perhaps you need to evaluate your marriage.

Anyhow, I was once in your daughters shoes with a step mom at 15. Now that I’m older with my own kids, it blows me away the behavior my father found acceptable from his wife.

I wish you well!