I Need Help Getting My Son to Bring Home His Work from School

Hi T.,
This something you need cooperation from his teacher on. One suggestion would be to try a sign off system where the teacher signs a notebook, card, etc. at school and you sign off at home. Ask his teacher to please and see if he has it on him when he leaves school. Also, there might be a reason other than just not applying himself. Maybe he's having difficulty processing the material for not so obvious reasons such as, eye strain, not processing auditorily, not being organized enough. There are many small reasons this could be happening. Try asking him what is going on and then just listen. Listening is a wonderful tool. The trick is to just listen and not challenge what he is saying. Also don't give up.
Good luck,
D. Bohr, B.S., NCTMB
Retired elementary and early childhood teacher
Mom and Grandma
CranioSacral Therapist/Maternity Massage

Hi T.,
I work in an elementary school as a psychologist and the things I've found most important are communication between home and school, involving the student in what the rewards/punishments will be, and making sure there is a combination of positive and negative reinforcements.

I'd reccommend talking with his teacher about the problem and then setting up a meeting with his teacher and him to create a behavior contract. This is something that the teacher writes a daily comment on and then you read at night and comment back if necessary. This shows your son that you and the school are communicating and expectations will be upheld both places. It also lets him know that you and teacher are talking so he won't get away with telling you that the teacher will not give him another copy. You can set something up that he earns small rewards (a star, check mark, etc.) and after a certain amount of small rewards he earns a bigger reward determined by you and him. It doesn't have to be a tangible reward, many times kids love time with their parents (going to ice cream, a movie, etc.)

The other thing is to "catch him being good" and allow him to earn back some of the things that have been taken away. The research show that the least effective reinforcer is negative consequences, the next effective is positive, and the most effective is negative and positive. So if he brings his work home he earns a half hour of tv/gameboy/playstation if he doesn't he loses it for the night but he has the chance of earning that reward every day.

Good luck!
J.

I know what you are going through. There were times I was making trips back up to school to gather their work. Then I realized I was helping create the problem. Third grade is still very young, in my opinion, to give them all that responsiblility without having some form of help. We use a binder system for our 4th grader. It works beautifully! We have one section for his planner, one section where he will place his homework, and another section of any unfinished classwork. He has a checklist of what needs to come home. There is a place in his planner where I sign off to let the teacher know that I have reviewed his work. The whole class uses this system and there is rarely a child with incomplete homework. I used to forget mine as a child too. My mom fixed that by getting a copy of each of my textbooks from the school. I had NO excuses then! Keep good communication with the teacher. They are your partner in this! Good luck, and hang in there!

If possible meet him at school and make sure he has it before leaving for the day. If you can't go there ask his teacher to take minute and check to see if he has it. This worked very well with my 3rd grader. Good luck!

Many schools offer homework hotlines, a number that parents can call to hear what the homework assignments are. Many schools also have a website and some teachers have their own website, and they usually list the homework assignments there, as well.

If those things aren't available, then it's best to call your child's school and talk to the teachers to see what arrangements can be made. Maybe you, or whomever picks up your child, can pickup all the assignments at the same time as picking up your child.

Hope that helps!

- LT

Children's resistance to homework usually is an avoidance of the unpleasant and of the unknown. Many teachers give out the work, but have never taught the children the skill of study habits. Children may not have these skills naturally, and boys seem to have more difficulty developing them. Punishment (taking away toys) builds resentment, which adds to the resistance. Additionally, the fear of losing "playtime" to homework, and the feeling of failing to meet the classroom standards of "turning in homework" by coming in day after day without it, play into this negative cycle.
Children need to be shown how to break out of a negative pattern, step by step; resistance needs to be dissolved gently, step by step.
I am a teacher and have taught 3rd grade. and this is what I have suggested to parents with similar situations: promise your child a tangible reward for bringing home his homework (something he REALLY wants: a little race car, a trip to McDonalds or ChuckyCheese--something that you know he will eagerly anticipate all during the school day), and also TELL HIM THAT YOU'LL DO THE HOMEWORK FOR HIM.
As soon as he comes home, give him the reward in exchange for the homework, sit down and complete the work. Work quickly so that he can see that it does not take much time. The only requirement is that he stay in the room while you are doing it. He can play, watch TV, etc. The next morning, make certain that he takes the work to school to turn it in to the teacher.
At this point you have accomplished Step One: he's brought home his homework, and turned it in.
Keep up this routine for several days, and gradually decrease the intensity of the reward (going to kid's favorite fast foods places everyday is too much, but you could promise him that a favorite snack will be waiting for him at home, or he can put money in a money jar to save for another excursion). But the reward on the first day must really get his attention.
After a few days require him to sit with you while you do his homework: he doesn't have to do it but he can watch. Gradually, have him begin to do a bit of the work (ideally, a little of each subject) and you finish it up.
Finally, require that he do the homework on his own, but sit with him and help him. By now he will have established the habit of bringing home and doing his homework. You have helped him to see how he still has playtime after his homework is finished.
Is it cheating to do the homework for him? I don't believe so, because what you are doing is modeling for him, showing him the process, so that he can take it on himself. (The homework was not being done anyway). I would let the teacher know that for a short time you are doing the work, to help him establish the habit of bringing it home and returning it, and easing him into doing it himself. Once he is bringing in his homework he is going to feel pride in his actions, and with that a positive cycle has begun.
This method worked with the families with whom I worked, mainly because it created a state of team work between the parent and child, and the child's resistance melted away. Try this for a month or so and you should see improvement and the beginning of good, positive habits and attitudes.
Other suggestions:
* Schedule a conference with his teacher to see if your child is struggling in any subject. If the work is too difficult (or too easy) it may be part of his resistance.
*Help your child to be organized at home: " a place for everything, everything in its place." He could be losing his homework due to inattention and disorganization, which is another issue.
*Try after school tutoring or homework clubs, or inviting a friend over for homework. He may enjoy the peer companionship.
Finally, given your family situation, his behavior could be a bid for attention (even negative attention is attention) or a cry for help. You might consider therapy (play therapy is a good choice for this age) in addition to having a diligent plan for his homework. They are two separate issues but he could be using the resistant behavior to speak for his sadness and fear at the break up of his family. For his emotional health, he must know how and be willing to identify and express his feelings with words, and not to sabotage his school-life (later his work-life).
Good luck and best wishes for you and your son.

I have been there and still sometimes get that problem too. Kids are kids, and this is not playtime. How long do you take the privileges away for? How about when you give it back? When and why do you give it back? If it takes 2 weeks or a month to make sure his school work is priority- then so be it. He will complain and moan and whine- but he will learn a valuable lesson- jr. high is around the corner, and he will not make it like that.

Oh man, I've been struggling with this too. Maybe he's overwhelmed? After going to the school and helping my twins (10 years old, 5th grade. A's last year, declining this year) clean out their desk I'm thinking about homeschooling, it's just chaos with 30 kids! I think that's part of the problem. Anyway, I met with my twins' teacher last week, and with the boys we came up with a little neon reminder note on top of their desk with the things they need to remember before they leave school each day.(homework/planner/instrument/to do folder). It worked today-day #1. If their grades improve, I'll take them out to lunch at the end of the trimester. Anyway, I remember when I was in first grade, I always had a big pile of unfinished work sitting in my desk. 30 years later I was diagnoses with ADD...characterized by disorganization! Sheesh! I agree it could be an underlying problem. Divorce is a huge issue for kids. Maybe he needs glasses, or? Good Luck!

What happens when he brings the work home? He has to do it, right. Seems like he doesn't want to do the work. Maybe work with the teacher. As a teacher, I work with parents on these kinds of issues all the time.

Getting to the root of the problem is key. Is the work too hard for him? Some aspect of it too challenging. Really intelligent children can have struggles. Great minds might not have great fine motor, so the act of writing down the work is the challenge. I have students who type their work. Another who dictates (not handwriting, of course).

With my out daughter, 1st gr. I put a chart in her locker to remind her what to bring home. I took pictures of her items (jacket, sweatshirt, book bag, book envelope,lunch box) and used them to make a DO I HAVE EVERYTHING I NEED chart. It helped.

What really helped was a reward system, not a consequence. Her teacher has a check list of things (restated directions, got right to work, gave my teacher my book envelope, etc.). Each time one of these happens, the teacher gives her a check. At home she gets one marble for each check. Additionally, as a new reader of chapter books, she's challenged, so every 20 min. = 1 marble. Finish a chapter book and get marbles.

She uses these marbles to pay her bills, as we say. Sleep overs cost 10 marbles, take a friend to the movies costs 4 marbles for each dollar spent for tickets and treats, it adds up. We did let her buy a Webkinz with her marbles. Again she had to figure it out, 1 marble = $0.25.

Rewards have helped so much. Besides, I'm not the bad guy anymore. I'm the one who rewards for doing good stuff.

Talk to the teacher and get her/his help in this homework/paper issue.

Hi T.,

I'd like to tell you there is an easy answer. Unfortunately, the issue may not be the homework. My guess is there are MUCH bigger issues going on for your son. Trust me, my son is just getting past the Mom and Dad got a divorce thing, and it's been 6 years. I wish I had nipped it in the bud earlier. The signs are there, read them. He's most likely feeling like his world is crashing and homework / school work just doesn't interest him. He may not show any other signs. 'Could happy and fun yet resistant to cooperating re: school. He may just not care. Talk to him. Love him. Yelling and getting really upset just won't work -- I tried everything, like you have. The only thing that worked, even for short periods, was stars on a calendar and good weeks got 31 Flavors on Fridays. Above all, though; spend time with him -including- playing video games. He needs to feel connected.
Good luck!

T. he might be calling out for help due to the custody issues. I had lost custody for ten years and I recently regained custody and my son just gave up. He didn't want to apply himself because what was the point.
You need to do daily or weekly chats with him. Speak to him about what is happening in your life and with the custody. DON'T go into details. Just hey your dad and I have court this Friday, and were going to discuss this issue. He will ask questions so be ready to give answers or say things like that issues is a grown up issue and you don't need to worry about it. Mom needs to worry about adult issue as you need to worry about your grades. Issues that you think he might need to involved then explain them to him but do not tell him how to feel or think about it. Ask him how he feels about it. Get his school counselor involved as well. Have monthly sessions with all three of you. At first set goals, a month later review goals and set new ones.
Even now I have told my son, I don't expect an A in math but at least a C to pass it. Attainable goals are better then those that they feel they can not reach and they are afraid to tell you about it.
I took a parenting class and the best thing I learned from it is TEASPOT (parent project) Take Everything Away for Short Period Of Time. If he comes home with no homework, take EVERYTHING away, no tv, no games, no play outside, no nothing for 24 hrs. He can go to his room and of he reads in there quietly then fine. Every morning the same thing. Eventually he will tire of it. BUT when he does come home with the homework, high five, way to go.. nice job, knew you could do it... attitude.
Start dream building with him, when he grows up what would he like to be? Well he can't be that unless he learns how to add in school.
good luck and please be careful about the custody issue...

Have you tried speaking to the teacher to come up with a game plan together?

Funny, I think your son and my daughter are related! It isnt that she is being downright obstinent, I think she just doesnt realize the importance. What I did, was I took her to Staples (our office supply store) and I had her pick out a folder that she thought was cool. That is the folder that is for bringing home her work. When I pick her up, I make sure to ask her if she has it all in there. That is basically her warning. If I don't pick her up, the teacher will ask for me (a teacher can be your best ally, keep them in the loop, and they will go out of their way, trust me.)

I gave her a list of Positive outcomes (rewards) for bringing home her work on a daily, weekly, and monthly level. Then I gave her the negative outcomes for those same periods. I explained to her that positive attention is far better, and longer lasting than the negative. Then I really made a big deal about it when she followed through.

Now with the issues of your son, and the custody issue, I believe that positive attention, will go a lot farther than the negative. Talking to him, he is able to understand, in an adult manner but in a childs vocabulary, may make him want to rise to that level of respect. Tell him you want to treat him like an older child, and all he has to do is respect you enough to treat you like the mother you are.

To be honest, we have no such issues in our home, but we have had our own traumas that have been quite terrible. I found that by being upfront and honest, in a kind way, and focusing on the positive, we had much better progress.

Good Luck!

Hi T.,

Have you contacted his teacher to set up and agreement with the three of you? Sometimes thats all it takes is to have a parent,student, teacher conference. Tell him/her your concerns and set up an agreement with the three of you for your son to bring the homework home. Is your son doing well in school? If not, maybe there is an underlying issue on why he isn't bringing it home. Good luck to you and your son!

Molly

I'm no psychologist but being a mother of 4 (and I guess watching a lot of Dr.Phil :) it seems to me, his school work and not bringing it home may be the only thing he feels he has control over in his life right now. I don't know, just a thought. However, my daughter, 4th grade, wasn't bringing her math homework home (saying she didn't have any, or that she finished it) and found out she had about 10 missing assignments. It all came down to the fact that she just didn't understand it. We are taking a different approach when it comes to explaining it to her and that seems to be working.

Hi T.

Definately check into the divorce issue. Hopefully you and your husband can have an amicable divorce like Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. You and your husband have to remember that the children are the number one priority right now and their lives will be disrupted and they will be acting out in any way they can to get your attention. You also have to remember the children will think it is their fault even when you tell them it is not you. They don't see it that way.

My daughter is now 22. My daughters school had implemented the homework hotline were the parents can call into the homework hotline and receive the homework assignment for that day. Each teacher is assigned a phone number and it is there responisbility to update the message every day. I know this is a lot of trouble for both you and the teacher, but the teacher can either e-mail or fax you the homework, this way you don't have to go down on your lunch hour and when you ask your child about homework and he said he lost it and you can say well your teacher sent me a copy just in case you did lose it.

Good Luck on everything

Hi T.. I am the mother of three sons (21, 17, and 5). You mention that your son is very bright and just not applying himself? My middle son is of genius level intelligence (Not necessarily a blessing, gifted children are often "challenging")and we went through the same thing you are describing at about the same age range. From what I have seen, this is fairly common for exceptionally bright boys.

I actually had to re-arrange my lunch hour to go pick my son up from school. I walked him back to his teacher and asked her in front of him what the home work was, for an extra copy if he didn't have his, and made sure it got left in the car. The next day we went through the entire routine again. Each time he did not have his homework he lost all priveleges for that evening. No tv, no video games, no books (his big downfall)no telephone, no nothing.

When he had his homework and showed me that it was completed, he got his priveleges back. This was basically being grounded on a day to day/circumstantial basis.

The immediate response type of thing seemed to make more of an impression than being grounded for a predetermined amount of time. It took about a month for him to get it through his head that he could either do his homework and NOT get any priveleges, or he could do it and have his extras.. but he was going to do it regardless!

If he is latch-key and he goes home and plays video games before you get home, just take the controllers with you when you leave in the morning... video games are no fun without those, LOL!

Hope this helps

J.