I Need Good Ideas for "Positive Feedback" with My Teenager...

Sounds like you have a great kid there. Let her be herself. I did not socialize that much in High School, but college was a different story. Give her the ability to make it important when she wants it to be. I now have a 13 year old who is a social butterfly and has friends over all the time. I guess everyone is totally different and I think you are doing a great job because you already have a daughter who knows what she wants and is ready to go out there and get it..

My daughter can have similar issues at times and much of it does seem to be that there are teens at school who play and act like 5 year olds instead of young adults. Many girls (and boy)at this age have very little supervision and some whos parents are only concerned about getting them out of the house so students who try to do a good job at school can be picked out and picked on by the other ones whos self worth is damaged. I carry on real conversations with my two teens and have since they were little, we do things together and she does have a few friends but knows more kids that have an issue with her then don't primarily for the reasons stated above. I have moved from being just a mom to being more of a friend/mentor and this seems to have helped in keeping the communications open and keeps her from being as lonely as she could be. A few good friends are better then many and she maybe safer by not partying or hanging out with undesiarables so try to keep communications open, be a friend and mentor, do fun things with her (hiking, zoo, spa day, fitness class etc) and show her a life other then what is at school it is not always just about friends and school.

I could be wrong but i don't that it is a bad thing. I have one of those also. She is choosing her high school based on what she can get out of it. Her "friends" are all begging her to go to other schools with them. Girls like ours can't be bothered by those trivial things. They only thing I'm afraid of is the appearance of her being "snobby". I have stopped tricking her into making an appearance at certain parties...I have encouraged team involvement with sports and clubs but now sway more towards community involvement and service. In the long run, it adds to college applications and works well toward leadership skills.
My girl is a middle child sandwiched between two ultra-social teenage boys.

so....find her interest and help her do everything she can to excell in that interest. It is important. Let that be her influence, direction.

I don't know if you are a church goer, but a youth church group will help her to gets some "Good" Friends. I am a Member of "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and we have a young Womens group that the girls do service projects, craft activities and other fun stuff. they learn values and other positive things about themselves. There are other youth type groups that are out there to help her learn social skills and to gain friends. Find out what her intrest are and see if there is a group for that at the library.

You can see if she is interested in joining an after school activity. Do you all go to church? Even if you don't you should check out a youth group. Some of my best memories were with my youth group as a teen. The way to get to know people at youth group is to get connected to a small group. I am a " small group " leader at our youth group at church and it is so neat to see how they become good friends and offer great support to each other.

I don't have any teenagers yet but I have plenty of nieces and nephews. I'm very close to all of them so they tell me a lot. One of my nieces does not have many friends for 2 reasons 1 she is very smart and concentrates on school work more than friends. And 2 she has a negative personality. I believe its the latter. Not everyone is very social or feels comfortable around groups. Listen and look at her personality, comfort level around people and outlook on life. I'm not sure if your active in church but church groups are a great way to meet people your age in a non-threatening relaxed environment. We all want to reach out and help our children when their sad. Weve all been teenagers. Just being their Im sure will help. Good Luck mom of a 6 year old and 9 year old (going on 18)

The thing that saved me in my youth was the Fun structured activities that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints provided for the teenagers. The social scene at school was challenging but many of the friends I met through the youth activities, were truly an anchor to my happiness during those teenage years.
You do not have to be a member to participate in the activities. All are welcome!
If you belong to another church you may want to see what they offer for the youth as well.
Organized, Fun, Structured Activities for teenagers can help "Lead" teenagers in the right direction. Might be worth looking into if you have not already.

Hello,
I think you are on the right track, if you can, try and surround her with positive people and young adults around her age. Unfortunately, you have no control over what happens at school, all you can do is guide her, listen to her and give her positive fee back and words of encouragement. Have you thought of or is she in any activities outside of school, such as, dance, sports, clubs, and organizations? Is she involved in anything at school? Those suggestions are definitely a start, in addition, are you both spiritual, do you go to church, most of the children and young adults that are spiritually grounded might be a good fit for her as well. My thoughts! :)

C.,

If your daughter is willing, see if she is willing to join a drama club to do even behind the scenes work, the band if she plays an instrument, the debate club, etc.. within school.

If you are a church goer, try have her try a youth activity, sit in the nursery on Sundays.

But, yes, you're worried. Don't worry too much. Some of us are survivors of things like this. Adolescence is difficult, but do-able.

~D.

Well, my kids are still quite young (thank goodness) but I can tell you that it wasn't all that long ago that I was seventeen years old and without many friends. I was very shy in high school and, while I had many casual acquaintances, I was always too nervous to take that next step with people.

So, instead of focusing on socializing, I invested myself in learning the arts. And while high school may not have been the highlight of my life, it was the place where I discovered some of my lifelong passions.

After I graduated, I got a job in sales and learned to be more social. If you knew me today, you wouldn't believe for a second that I ever had difficulty making friends. I'm a happily married woman with two beautiful children and several very dear girlfriends....along with many other casual friends.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your idea of the perfect high school experience for your daughter may not be realistic. Some people just aren't meant to be popular in school. It doesn't mean she's not going to have a fantastic life. It just means she's more interested in other things than she is in socializing...and good for her if that's the case. My suggestion is to try not to put pressure on her to make friends (not that you are directly, but she probably knows you worry about it). This is one of those things that you just need to trust her to deal with herself. Encourage her to get involved in sports or clubs of you want (as others have suggested) and tell her that you'll always be there for her if the needs to talk.

I know I can't tell you not to worry about her...that's your job as mom. But maybe give her the benefit of the doubt. If she says she just wants away from the "drama"...believe her. If she's having a hard time, trust that she'll come to you. She sounds like an awesome kid so obviously you've been doing SOMETHING right all these years. Have a little faith in that.... :-)

Good luck!

-S.

Oh, the teenage years! My advice is: don't try to push the social issues. What kind of things does she enjoy? See if she's willing to do some activities with you... the social will come later for her. High School socializing isn't "real life" socializing anyways, and she seems mature enough to recognize that. It'll all come together in time.

How about getting her involved in outside activities that other kids her age also enjoy? Sports, book clubs, or even in a volunteer setting where she could use her interests to make friends? She could become a literacy volunteer, work with Ronald McDonald House, the YMCA, a hospital, or a local Boys and Girls club? Here's a great source to look up those who need help: http://www.volunteersoaz.org/

I was mature for my age growing up, and I really didn't like the immaturity of my peers most of the time either - lol I found deeper friendships in older kids/teens/my family members. Finding ways that she can make great friends outside of school will help to build her confidence, give her perks on resumes - and on college applications!

Best of luck!

Hi C..
How mature of your girl to recognize she needs the education more than the "drama!" She must be an awesome kid!

I remember once I began college, all my old not-so-friendly "friends" quickly got forgotten, because I made such better friends who really shared MY interests.

Sounds like you're both on the right track. I say: keep doing whatever it is that you're doing. Make sure she knows you're there for her if she's lonely. And by all means: encourage her to go to college if at all possible, even if just for a technical degree.

Mentorships are also a great way to feed both her interests and education.
T

C.,

Like others have suggested - talk to her about her interests & get her involved in school activities. (Whether it be sports, cheer leading, drama, etc). Are you involved in a church? Having a teenage girl of my own I have seen first hand that some of best frienships can be made with fellow girls in a youth group setting. Many churches offer fun & safe places for teens to get involved and you don't even have to be a member of the church.

Best of luck to you!
(We belong to Central Christian Church if you want to check out their website - www.cccev.com)
Heather

what is her 'Love Language'?
then you will know the way to her heart!!

It will either be Affirmation, Gifts, Quality of Time, Touch and/or Acts of Service.

You can get the Love Languages for Teens....Great book!

T.
www.tesabartell.myarbonne.com

I have an 18 year old daughter that feels like whenever she is with most of her girlfriends it is always drama. That is why she is like me and has more guy friends than female friends. It may possibly be the drama like she says it is, but she is going to find drama everywhere she goes. We live in Gilbert, real close to Queen Creek. If you want someone for her to hang out with or whatever, just let me know and I will talk to my 18 yr old daughter. Just so you know she does have a 4 month old baby. But please don't let that keep you from responding. She is very responsible over than she got pregnant a little early in life. Hope to hear from you soon.

L.

Hi C.,

Have you tried getting her involved in extracurricular activities? Do you belong to a church? If not, church is often a great place where teens can feel like they belong. Churches typically have many community services activities and youth activity teens can get involved in.

On another note, I'm interested in talking to you about RT. Would you mind calling me at ###-###-####?

Best of luck with your daughter. I know the teen years can be tough.

Warm Regards,
G. Van Luven

I was in her position myself as a teenager. For me, being involved in a club made a HUGE difference. I got to know some other kids kids because it was a small group and we all had an interest in common (we showed dogs). They didn't go to my school but I always knew that they were there. For whatever reason things turned around for me after I had been involved in this group for a while and I made a lot more friends at school too.
Right now I have a 14 year old girl who "gets it" she says, when it comes to getting along with others and she is very popular. She didn't use to be at all. She joined a rock climbing team and really got to know the kids there. I think that by being good at this hobby of hers and making good friends on the team she was able to gain the confidence in herself that made it easier to make new friends at school.
Please don't "stay out of it". Just having my mom understand and empathize with what I was going through helped me a lot. When she hits college she may want to look for a club that interests her.
Good Luck!