I Need Custody and Legal Advise My Child Is 17

At 17, your son is nearly an adult. As you know, we can make adult decisions long before we are legally entitled to. You have to let your son make his own choice here. If his father is still as irresponsible, it is only a matter of time until your son is disappointed by him. Seeing our parents as people is a really important part of growing up.

The other thing I would urge you to do is remove your objections from the conflict. Teens will rebel against rules and by giving him something to fight against, it may take him longer to see his father's shortcomings. By forbidding it, you are pushing them together and giving them something in common--complaining about you.

In this instance, as painful as it is, you've got to let your son discover who his father is. If you manage to keep this from turning into a conflict between you and your son, he will be able to talk to you about his father when he needs to. And he is going to need you to help him.

This holds true with all sorts of problems with adult (or almost) children--an open door, nonjudgemental adult parent can be a tremendous resource. This may be what he thinks his father is, mistaking permissiveness & irresponsibility for acceptance. He will have to learn this for himself.

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Im sorry to hear your going through this. The worst part is that whith your son being 17 you need to tread lightly! I learned the hard way. If you push and push at this age then in less than 12 months you will be in a place where nothing you say matters. He will walk out and no one at that point can help. Allow him some room but be sure to continue to tell him about the desires you have for him and the reasons for those. Most of all be there when his father does show himself, thats a hard thing to come to terms with.
Best of luck!

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There is a lot of great advise here, and the only thing I would add is making it clear to your son that his actions have consequences, and he needs to pay those consequences. This happened to me when I was 16, and the only thing that slapped me back into reality was realizing my actions were causing me to fall behind where my friends were, and I would not be graduating with them if I didn't do something. I lived with my dad, who worked full time, and then slept like a log on the weekends, making it easy for me to stay out all night, sneak boys in my room, etc. My mom lived in another state at the time. Sometimes I feel like I raised myself the last 2 years of high school, but I came out of it and survived. At the time, though, it was easy to get away with stuff and I thought I had it made. Your son is practically an adult, and is beyond the "trust me, I'm your mom" stage. Explain to him exactly what the dangers are of him following along in his dad's footsteps, and explain it as one adult to another, and not a parent to a child. He's at the age where he's going to need to live with the consequences of his actions, and as tough as it is as a parent to see him do this, you may need to just let him make his own mistakes at this point.

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Hi X.,

I am so sorry you are going through this emotional time. Hang in there.....

Having a 25yr old son, I've dealt with young teenage boy emotions, too. The harder I "insisted" on something, the worse it got, and the more I was scared for my son's choices.

Answer this: Has he always been a good kid and respected you? Probably yes, huh?

Well, this is when FAITH comes in. Faith that you did a great job as a mom when it REALLY counted (all the years up to now). All kids go through something at sometime..... that's nothing new. Some "stray" further than others giving their circumstances (example, your ex)......I would allow him to see his dad, because he WILL resent you, you are right about that. Instead, let him find out for himself. You didn't raise a "dummy". He will find out....

You are a loving mom who gave your son terrific guidance throughout his life. He will always love you, he's just at a defiant age. Trust your son, as he wants to be trusted by you. Even if it turns out to be an "I told you so situation"....he needs to believe that you to trust him. just don't say "I told you so" when the time comes :O)

Don't get me wrong, I would make him respect you and your family in your home, but allow him the space he needs at the same time. It's a tough balance, especially if there are younger siblings you are trying to protect. But, I'm sure you can find a new balance in your home.

~N. :O)

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Unfortunately kids tend to take the path of least resistance, he is at the perfect age to want that and is father probably is all to willing to give it to him.
I think you need to take a different tact. Son, these are the orders (sit down and spell it out in black and white), a judge made a ruling on it and WE (dad and I) have to obey them! If either of us don't then we are in contempt of court. I am not willing to break the law that the judge set down and I would really hate to see your dad charged with contempt. (Believe me I have had this conversation WAY too many times with my stepchildren)
Then keep a detailed journal of visitations, infractions. Dates, times, what was said. Details!
Unfortunately you are fighting a battle that may be hard won. In the courts eyes your son is old enough to have a say in deciding where he can live! It is maddening to us parents who have tried to provide a stable household for our children just to have them decide it is more "fun" to live with the other parent....and the courts let them. It is a rule that definitely should be changed!
Here is another thing you can say to your son....you are 16, you have TWO more years of being under my care. After you turn 18 and you are an adult why don't you go live with your dad? Finish school here, do well and have fun when you are with him. I won't fuss at you about what you do with him and I won't fight with him about you as long as you do well here. Right now I have to do what I believe is best for you, I know you are finding it hard to trust what I say but I love you and DO have your best interests at heart.
I know saying that would stick in your throat but hopefully it will give you some breathing room. And let's face it, after he turns 18 you really WON'T have a choice of where he lives.
I feel for you, I really hope this works out, keep plugging at it!

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Oh I am so sorry for you. It's sad that your son cannot see how much you love him and want him to have everything that is good for him.
My suggestion, both for your sanity and his attitude is a counselor. Someone who does not know you in any way and can offer a truly unbiased opinion. This way, he can see that he is being heard and he can always be taught to listen to you and why things are the way they are. His quality of life is important to you and that means you and his dad were not together for a reason. Validate his feelings and ask him to (in all fairness) try to do the same for you. He is practically an adult now and needs to make some grown up decisions and learn some grown up responsibilities. I hope this helps and that your son sees just how important he is to you.
-E. M

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You need to go to mediation and have a licsensed therapist decide what to do. I have a 16 year old with the same situation (but he WON'T see his bio-dad - can't stand him)and we have been apart since before David's birth. I can tell you that he is not going to listen to you or his "dads" but he might listen to a third party. The court can recommend one based on your income. Obviously, this is something that your son is going to have to work this out on his own with an outside influence. Take my word for it, you are only banging your head against a wall otherwise. Good luck. T.

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X.,
I just wanted to say that you have gotten some very good advice here. I also have a 21 year old son. I was 19 when I had him and his father is a criminal. Fortunately, his father never came to reclaim any visitation with him, so although I don't share that experience with you - I can tell you that we had to use the court mediation services when we initially set up visitation (when my son was 9 months old) and I had the same concerns then that you do now, his father smoked pot, drank, ran with the wrong crowd, etc, and I did not want that around my son. The mediator was wonderful. She understood everything I told her and was very helpful to help the court understand what the real situation was and helped me to get 100% physical custody with only supervised visitation for my ex. If I were you I would definately take the advice that you've been given here and make an appointment to speak to a family court mediator.
The second piece of advice you've received that I think that you should follow is that you only have 1 year left before you lose all rights to your son and he becomes an adult. Use that year wisely. As hard as it is, you do have to have faith that what you've taught your son is still inside of him. You have to let him learn for himself. It is a frightening process, and I don't envy you just being at the beginning of it now - because you could not pay me a million dollars to go back through that again with my son. but the good thing is that with my son, we are already through it. He is 21 years old now and he is beginning to return to the person he was before - and I can see that the boy that I raised is still very much a part of the young man he's become. I would see a counselor if I were you, because it is going to be very hard to go through this... watching someone you love so much (and I'm guessing have sacraficed so much for), make the wrong decisions, get into trouble, take risks and chances, etc. It is more difficult than many people could ever imagine. You will need support.
The third piece of advice I would follow if I were you, is to keep a journal of the visitations, the problems, etc. Don't tell anyone you're doing this, and don't do it for the purpose of bashing anyone. Just do it "just in case."
The journals I kept during the difficult times with my son's father I kept for the purpose of being able to go back and explain to my son if he ever had any questions about why I interferred in his relationship with his father, etc. I kept it so that he could see what his father was doing and how it was impacting him. You could also keep it in case you ever had to refer back to it when you speak the the court mediator, etc. It's just a good thing to have, better to be safe than sorry when it comes to record keeping.
Good luck. I don't envy you. I'm sorry you are where you are. But please know, by my post and by the other posts you've recieved from mothers of young adults, young men, that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. They do grow up and return to the values you taught them. Sometimes it just takes time and sometimes it will look like there is no end in sight... but there is. It really is a matter of faith.

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Get a third party involved, a counselor who will not appear biased to your son. Meet with the counselor first to explain the situation and then let the counselor meet with your son alone. Your situation is heartbreaking and so difficult. Keep fighting the fight, you are a good mom. Send him to the peace corps, national guard or college far away. He'll make friends with nice kids and he'll be far enough away from dad so that he'll not be influenced by his lifestyle...at least during these rebellious years. Good luck!

It seems to me your son, at age 17, is very close to being a man. You should be able to have an open and direct conversation with him. I do not suggest you do this alone - maybe seek help, if only for the one conversation, from a professional - counselor or psychologist.

It sounds to me like your son is having a grand time when he's with your Ex and doesn't want the party to stop. Again, he's not a little child; you should be able to be VERY direct with him.

Best of luck,
D.

What a painful situation--- But if I were you, I would let your son spend all the time he wants with his father. At seventeen, your son is going to do it anyway, and you want to preserve whatever relationship with your son you have left. It sounds like your ex is trying to get back at you by encouraging your son to break your rules. He sounds like a terribly irresponsible man. However, you won't be able to convince your son of that--- he will have to see it for himself. Just let your son know that you realize he doesn't fully understand the situation, and that when it becomes clear to him that his father is not acting in his best interests, you will be available to talk with him about it.

In my opinion, there's not much you really can do given the fact that your child is 17. You can and should still try to get him to do what you know he needs to do, but that's really all you can do - keep trying. At seventeen he's going to do what he's going to do and with the encouragement of his father, it is going to be very rough on you. You could try taking dad back to court to limit his visitation a little more or to complain that he's not following the custody/visitation order, but all that's really going to do is cost you money and make your son more angry at you. i'm not saying let your son and dad do what they please, you do still have to try, but don't let yourself get overly worked up over it. They are going to do what they are going to do and there's not much you can do about it. I know it hurts and believe me, there will come a time when your son will look back and realize how he's hurt you. It may not come until he has a child of his own, but it will come and he will apologize.

You know the Lord sees his children doing the same thing. He loves us so much, and has laid out his laws in the Bible and asks us, his children, to follow them FOR OUR OWN GOOD. But he has some stubborn children who want to do things thier won way and won't listen. At that point, all he can do is let us, his children, go about our business, and we pay the natural consequences for our decisions wheather they be good or bad. Natural concequences are great teachers. At some point, your child - now being very close to adulthood, is going to make his own way. It's hard as a loving parent to watch a grown child pick the wrong path, all we can do is encourage and show the right road, and hope that they choose it. You may indeed find a way to fight for the last year of visitation rights but by the time you were done he'll be only 6 months away from adulthood.
ps- I would not encourage him to go live with an encouragable Dad. My friend did this and it did nothing to help the situation at all. it just made things worse.

Hi X.,
I feel for your dilemma and I understand how frustrating it is but dont give up, though I know sometimes its hard but in my experience, at your son's age, the court order really doesnt have to be followed meaning that if your son doesnt want to go on his visitation with his father he simply doesnt HAVE to, even if your ex does call the police your son is old enough to simply say no to them as well, the police cannot make your son go with him no matter how much your ex shakes that paper in front of their face.
Try to stay focused on what is best for your son & good luck!

Dear Xochit,

I am a child from a divorced parents. Mom always wanted us to hate our dad and would say the most evil things about him. She would be mean to us if we didn't take her side and we were scared. Now that we are older. We know what is wright and wrong. I understand what my mom was doing and why my father did what he had to do. Children will grow up and realized things on their own. Just continue to be you and steer him the right direction. His is only 17 yrs old. They are rebelious at this age. He will know when he is in adulthood.

You are doing a good job. Keep it up. Good luck.

Hello X. I : I hope that the relationship that you have spent years building with your son is a good one that will stand this test of trial and tribulation.
Having raised my own son's and that of several foste,r son's I know that the age of let's see how far I can push the envelope started about a year ago - 16- so at 17 so many things are in a state of change for them and they want to taste and test it all. I actually had one young man that I dearly love to this day say to my husband and I; " well my mom picked my dad she must have liked his choices then - she knew what he was like; so why is she up set now about me getting to know him" OUR RESPONSE was to say when one is twitter patted and in love/lust anything happens but once a ;child comes into the picture people change so they can give the child abetter life- not all involved like to change.--- You say that the father is a criminal does he have a probations officer, court mandated person to check in with that you can write to and express your concerns?
I can tell you from much experiance that taking a teen to talk to a councilor when they are not interested is like getting a root cannel done. Its painful, expensive, and frustrating. Teens are not going to open up just because they are put in a room with someone and told to talk. Even if it is for their own good.
Most 17 yo boys are busy with girls, sports, dreaming about motorcycles& cars. If what you want is for him to be busy- and stay closer to home think about getting a dirtbike, street motorcycle or a old car - have his friends and he rebuild and take it apart and put it back together. You will then have him closer at hand, and busy with something he can be proud of and may not have as much time for the father that is being a buddy right now. You have so much concern in your heart that he will be influenced by the wrong example-- but remember that he has had yours for 17 years to follow and build upon. Just keep loving him through this hard time and telling him often that you have much to be proud of in him *smile* even if it is only taking out the trash some days! I can promise you that he will make decisions that you might not like and he would even if he had a perfect father, so just endure to the end. I know that my son would say to me "Mom do you want the truth or to hear what you wantto hear" and he is now the greatest man, father and example to others, and the young man that questioned his mother's taste is also a wonderful man who saves lives for a living and has a sweet little family. Give it time and patience. Never give up no matter what crazy things he may say or do. Be very grateful that you know that he is not lying to you about spending time with this man because 17 year old teens male or female can be very secretive and seperate from their families that love them so much. Nana G

IN MOST states if a child is over twevle they can chose if they want to go on visitions . if he wants to go there is not much you can do . but if he does not most states give the childeren a choice. Your son will soon be 18 and then he will probley do what he wants .sometimes as childeren grow older they can see for them self. that a peeron is not what they think they are when theyare little.teens are a special kind of people sometimes they just want to test their limits and be in control.may be if you get the court order to changed there will not be so much conflit . this is a hard age they want independance but they want to be little at the same time. they are trying to figure out who they are. sometimes when we lossen the reins they dont have to pull so hard to get their way and game gets easier . they like to test the waters like the temtation to drink when you are under age it it more exiting to see if you can get a way with if. when you are 21 and legal to do it the thrill may be goen . I would hope he knows you love him and want him safe from bad influances .I THINK THAT SOMETIMES THEY JUST WANT TO seeWHAT IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MOUNTAIN and when they do they are hopefully they see the truth and can choose the are path . good luck hang in there S.

I had something similar. My son is 18 now. I also went through something similar with my own parents. As much as it will rip your heart out, you should think about letting him live w/ his dad. That's the only way the dad won't be able to always be the "good guy" and you always be the "bad guy". When he lives w/ his dad, then when he comes to visit you (on his own terms, not based on a court ordered schedule) make it fun and pleasant for him. Just show him unconditional love, while letting him know you do not agree with the decisions he is making. He will come around to see the truth about you and about his father as he matures. You can't blame a teenager for wanting to be allowed to do whatever he wants whenever he wants. It's not his fault, his brain isn't done developing for about another 5 years. The best you can do for him right now is to let go and just love him. Good luck and hang in there. I know how hard it is, but you are doing a great job and have given your son a good start in life by being a great mom to him. Now it's out of your hands unfortunately. Best wishes and prayers for you both.
A.

I understand your pain. Co-parenting is tricky to begin with and then we add on difficult co-parents and adolescent kids. As a Relationship Coach I offer communication solutions. Love to chat more. Call me to set a time to talk about your legal questions too. ###-###-#### L. Foladare, MA

Dear X.,

The court business is almost over because your son will soon be 18 and considered an adult, though most are far from it at 18.

You have been the responsible and loving parent so let it go (I know it’s hard), and don’t bad mouth your son’s father. If he’s the crumb you say he is he will reveal his true self to you son eventually.

At 17 he doesn’t have the right to “do what he wants”, so I would insist he go to school and keep his grades up. If he doesn’t, make life a little difficult as far as allowance, phone, car, etc. In other words, take away his privileges and ground him.

If he thinks that living with his father would make life better as long as there is no danger to him, let him go, with the strict agreement that he must finish school and you can enforce that through the courts if he doesn’t.

I know this hurts, but your son will eventually figure it out. Letting go is the most difficult thing.

By the way, where does Mr. Wonderful fit while all this is going on? What's his relationship like with your son?

Blessings.....