I Need Advice! My Daughter Will Not Throw Anything Away!

Maybe she has OCD or maybe she is a little more human than the rest of us. I couldn't disagree more with the mom who said you should trade the dead bug with a toy. I think you are blessed to have a girl who will touch bugs and put a value on life and relationships. Yes, she still is valuing "things" but things she finds or creates. She has an artists soul and I think this should be fostered. Whoever said you should take pictures, have a funeral for the bug and save certain things was right on! My only question would be if she has enough friends? Maybe she spends a little too much time in her own imagination but I still think it's better than having to get the next video game or barbie doll. Plus, if I remember correctly, I spent all my time in a closet when I was 8 pretending it was my home and all my stuffed animals went with me because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. I think this is what 8 year old girls are supposed to do.

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I have a 9 year old and we discovered something this month. I need to separate myself from his room while we are cleaning it. I used to go in there and try to help him clean. He would get frantic because I was moving, touching, sorting... his treasures. I would get frustrated because everything I tried to him clean sent him over the edge.
So this time I sent to him his room and we started one shelf at a time. He brought everything off the shelf that didn't belong on it to the kitchen table.
When we got it on the table (out of his room), he was able to disconnect and look at it differently. It made it easier for him to decide in each individual group what was important and what could be tossed or given away. In fact, he was able to do it himself. I basically came to the table when he brought in a new group of stuff as moral support. No more arguing about cleaning!
After he sorted it, he took it to his room and put it where it belonged. We did this in half hour shifts over a couple of days and his room looks great. He feels great because he did it. He didn't feel like he was being forced anymore.
J.

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Oh my gosh, it almost sounds like my daughter. She removes the metal piece that holds the eraser on a pencil and makes little animals by covering in paper.She is very creative but we can only keep so much. She also makes stuff out of the cardboard-type things (the same material that is used for cup holders at fast food places) or styrafoam that comes in boxes of things to protect it in shipping-like vacuum cleaners or the tv. I asked the doc and she said that since she is being creative, she is fine but to watch it since she could become compulsive. Ask your doc just in case. I wish I could offer help. I clean things out when she is at school and if she asks, I have told her the stuff went to visit another child.

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Wish I could help you but My son is 18 years old and still has many of his things stored away. He did not like to get rid of anything either. When we moved to our new house we thought he would get rid of some things but no he wanted to keep everything. Six years later he is now getting ready for college he is putting all his things into rubber made containers and putting them in our loft. His view is I will have children one day and they will have these great toys that were once mine.

Go Figure... I still feel that I should not force him to get rid of anything he truly wants to keep, as long as we have the room.

S.

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My 8 yr old was doing all of this as well. At one point, she was "collecting" street salt in her chest of drawers. I have also found dead bugs in her barbie house. Just keeping everything. She seemed very attached to everything and cried each time we cleaned her room. Then I got her evaluated and learned she was OCD and on the road to hoarding.

Since starting treatment and learning about why she "collects" these things, she has stopped collecting this type of stuff. We are encouraging one collection and she gets to choose what it is (ie stickers, pins, pencils,etc). Could just be their way of trying to have a little control. I would suggest talking to her pediatrician or finding someone that specializes in anxiety to talk to at least once. I didn't think we needed to, but once we did, it took a lot of the pressure off and helped me to understand as well.

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D.,

Since she is so carrying about everything how about trying to get her to share some of her wealth with needier kids try to explain that there are children that don't have as much and she would be helping them...you can than have her make boxes of stuff to give away...than you can take some of the stuff that can really be given a way to a charity or salvation army and the other stuff you can secretly throw out..once she learns to part with stuff it might be easier to explain that some stuff is okay to keep and other stuff really just needs to be tossed..

A lil about me: mother of 5 (18-26) grandma to 3 (1.5-4)very nice husband

Good Luck

Hi D.:
My daughter(now 12-3/4)was very similar, we had boxes of "stuff", like rocks and strings and little things she would make from sticks and grass, and that sort of thing. What we tried is to put things in plastic storage bags and "save" them in a particular spot in the garage. She had her own special "storage" area, and we would pack away for later, anything she valued.Anything. Then, I would get a big garbage bag and put all the little bags of "stuff" in there, according to what it was. All the grass, sticks, stones,tinfoil shapes, etc. would go in 1 bag, and the old McDonalds happy meal toys would go into another bag all it's own, older stuffed animals into another yet, and so on and so forth.She could go out there and play with them anytime she had playtime, but had to put it all away when she was done. That was sort of a struggle at first, but then she started playing with the "junk" less and less. She would get out the stuffed animals more, and after keeping it all for almost a year (have to think long term here) I took out the bag of "junk" from the garage, asked her about it, and she hadn't even noticed. It kept the stuff out of her room after about a week, cleared the area, organized the stuff, and helped her get rid of some low priority things. We made sure to ask, after a long time, if we should just dump the bag of junk, and when she took a look in the bag, she was surprised she even had wanted to keep it.We had a rule after awhile, that if she got something new, she had to take something similar to the Save Spot bags. She made the decision as to which object went out into the garage. I never argued with her choices. I didn't always agree with them, but the stuff was hers, not mine. If she got rid of something I thought was valuable, I 'd save it special, so we didn't toss it.
Good luck, it can take a lot of time and work!
D.

Sounds like she might have OCD. Obsessive Compulsive disorder, which can manifest itself as hoarding and attachment. Check out a book called 'buried in treasures' by doctor Tolin. He really understands this mindset and can direct you to ways to help your child break the routines she is reinforcing every time she collects another thing and justifies in her mind why she owes it time and affection.

This is NOT a discipline issue. She needs you to help her redirect the energy she's spending, and give her ways to get the same feelings of security she gets from hoarding in a way that doesn't negatively effect her or the family's life.

She'll be fine, just get her the right help.

Take Care.

I know that people have suggested "hoarding" and "OCD" and it is something to definitely mention to her pediatrician as I have an adult relative who, sadly, falls into this category (No one has seen her home for years!). If the Dr. says it's normal, (and it really sounds like she is!) then you just have a creative little girl who likes "stuff". I regularly purge my children's room of the little stuff that they have accumulated, science & school projects, etc.... and, when you do it in small increments, they don't know and don't care. I do save some of their artwork and papers in a separate area of the house. The month before Christmas and also, before their birthdays (when they may be bringing in new stuff) we do a massive cleaning. Even some stuff that they don't want to get rid of, immediately,can be packaged to go into the "attic or storage room" for an indefinite amount of time, can eventually be moved out. My children have found great value in making money having a "kid's garage sale" but it is understood, that, what doesn't get sold gets boxed and picked up by AMVETS on a regular basis (and it truly is amazing what they "try" to sell!) My gut tells me that your daughter just needs guidance and this is a phase, and now that she is a little older, it's the right time to get her motivated to take pride in her room, as the whole household should. I wouldn't like to be frustrated every time I walk into my children's room - I do get frustrated but usually it is when I haven't been making regular appearances. Maybe once things are under control, on a weekly basis - or every other week, as a reward, for about 30 minutes, you can "help" her clean her room - then promise her a bike ride together/ice cream or some fun activity together. My daughter actually loves this (she's 13) because she gets to spend time with me and it's our time together (and it's good to have a casual conversation about school when they don't have their guard up.) Good luck!

Check out the information from the Mayo Clinic on "hoarding", which is described as a subtype of OCD:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hoarding/DS00966

It also says that symptoms of hoarding start in early adolescence and get worse with age.

If you really think she may have a problem with it, you may want to seek a professional evaluation?

Good Luck!

read dooce.com! Her daughter, Leta, does the same thing.

I would talk to your pediatrician~maybe she needs to be evaluated further. I have a son w/ OCD...this sounds a bit like the hoarding issues that can occur with this. CAN she throw anything away or is it too painful/impossible for her?

I have no advice --just wanted to say how much I liked reading the posts here. These quirky behaviors are what makes childhood so sweet..the dead bugs are a little creepy but sweet none the less. Enjoy the phase!

Your daughter sounds like my daughter and plenty of her friends. My daughter never wants to throw anything away. And, she can't part with any toys she has no use for. She creates a use very quickly when the topic of conversation turns to getting rid of things.

I make her get rid of things. I don't believe she should be allowed to keep garbage. Sometimes I give things a short time frame that it is able to stay (like for the day maybe a week) but then it must go.

Sometimes I make my daughter "help" me get rid of the junk all over her room and sometimes I go through her room while she is at school. I don't let her give me excuse after excuse or multiple reasons for why she wants to keep EVERYTHING. I just say I don't want to hear about it - it's garbage and we throw garbage out. These moments typically involve heavy crying but it has gotten better over the years. Now, for the most part, she realizes that she can carry on about her garbage but I am still throwing it away. She doesn't even care after an hour or so later. I try to do a major cleaning more often so it's not so much at once.

I wouldn't be so quick to say that it sounds like OCD. I think some kids have a harder time than others choosing what they "need" to have.

You might want to check out a link: go to www.flylady.net and then scroll down the first page and on the right side there is a link for the House Fairy. Have you tried the tactic of telling your daughter that she needs to collect x number of things to bless another child with...? Something like that might work b/c it would make her feel good to be helping someone else. (its kinda along flylady/house fairy lines)

It's not being mean to get rid or all the bacteria growing things that can damage her and everyone else in the houses' health. Be tough mom. You're incharge. Don't let her run things now; imagine what it will be like when she gets in high school. Dead bus, have her bury it where it belongs like when people pass. Bugs need to live outdoors for everyones health also. Be firm

The family I come from is one of savers and packrats, and the family my husband comes from is one who throws everything out and gets rid of EVERYTHING. I am trying to find a happy medium. I also have a daughter who gets attached to things, and doesn't like change. While I do not get rid of everything, is is a better alternative to living with "stuff" all over the place (which drives my husband crazy) So anyway, I scrapbook, and when I had to start giving toys away and going through projects I decided that we would take pictures of things to remind her of things she'd made or had so that she could always look at them in her scrapbook if she got lonely for them. Maybe you could try having your daughter make her own scrapbook of these things as you are going through them and giving them away or throwing them away. She could even write on the page about them. This has helped us tremendously and we talk about why we just can't have so many things and we have to make room for new things and it's ok to give these things away so somebody else who might not have so much can use them. We go through toys and bedrooms before birthdays and before Christmas or just right after. I think this helps because they know they are getting new things. It has also helped me get rid of some of my childhood things because it's not really the "thing" it's the memories attached-if you have a picture of it you will still have it's memory.

Good Luck, I hope this helps!

A.

Your daughter sounds JUST like my 8-year-old son- right down to the cheese-wrapper wax people! LOL when I read that!
Anyhow- what I started to do was to tell my son that when he got something new, or kept something, that he had to get rid of or give away something else. That seemed to help him get used to the idea of parting with things, and then, after time, minimize the garbage.
As for the tinnies (we have foil wands and coins :D) just give her a small box or jar and keep them all contained; when it's full, the others go to the recycle bin.
Good luck!
And thanks for the post- I'm still chuckling, and also glad to hear about someone else's little collector :D

Leave her be and read the great book "unconditional parenting" by Alfie Kohn. so often we are fixated on children doing as we do and not as they want for arbitrary reasons. Provided the treasures are confined to her room, then let her have her room messy. It won't hurt her. If she emotionally needs these then support her in it. she will likely grow out of it and you will have less conflict.

Well first you could get really worried and think about all sorts of illnesses and what this all means. Collecting things could be a sign of obsessive compulsive disorder.It could be a sign of a slob. It could be the sign of someone who has a great big heart and can't get rid of these things because they really are important. But maybe not any of these things. You are the mom so you are allowed to take some things out of there whether she likes it or not.When I was young I built a huge nest in our backyard of all sorts of garbage and my parents got rid of it. I got over it. If it is emotionally destroying her and she can't function if you get rid of the things... perhaps establish a specific place for her collectibles. Do you have a front porch? A back porch? How about buying a giant rubbermaid box and put it somewhere where she can sort through the stuff once in awhile. I have a small house so I know how difficult it is to save a lot of 'junk'. Since you worked in preschools you know there are also really cool shelf type things with boxes and they could be labeled and sorted. In my case I'd have to put something outside. You can do it together. Kind of a bonding thing. You yourself might take a few things a little at a time and get rid of them, some kids don't even notice. You can be very creative about this and not worry at all. If she is doing this and can't function elsewhere then you might be worried and get counseling, but it just sounds like a giant version of a treasure box gone wild. Or you could just close the door. I've done that for years living with two sons who seem to have similar patterns and it works pretty well. Good luck.

Here is a thought for the future . . .

She cannot keep anything unless she gets rid of something.
You cannot keep that my little honey unless something else goes.
THere is no more room.

Let's go decide which item you can part with so you can keep this one.

After a few weeks and/or months of that , you can try to say we need to let go of 3 items once every 3 weeks so we can make room.

You could introduce her to the House Fairy. This worked for my daughter. The House Fairy is a magic fairy that comes to the child's bedroom and leaves a "surprise" if your room is clean, and fairy dust if it is not clean. You never know when she is coming!

There is a whole website and community to join, and it costs a bit of money but it was worth it to me. You could also do it for free, just tell her the House Fairy story.

My daughter now keeps her room clean and enjoys the "surprises" the House Fairy leaves either while she's sleeping or away. She even invited the House Fairy to her birthday party and the House Fairy left a surprise there!

Otherwise you could try this trick. Sit in your daughter's room with her. Ask her to point out something she can have (like a toy). She will name something. Say "Good! Point out something else you can have." Keep doing this, and be sure to say "good!" or some other affirmation. Never point out that she "can't" have something, even if she points out something of yours. This will help her to realize all the things she CAN have and help her to release some of the junk. Keep asking the question cheerfully until your daughter seems happy, or makes some kind of comment about how she doesn't need all her stuff, or gets bored. If you do this every day eventually she will understand all the things she can have, and help her to not feel like she can't have things. The more you tell her to throw stuff away, the more she'll cling to it.

Good luck!

Hi D.!

Maybe you could impose a new trade-off rule. For every new item that enters her room she must trade it for one of the "clutter" treasures in her room. Then maybe she can learn to prioritize. "If I really want this new item, what is less important to me that I can give up!" "Would I rather have a dead bug or this new toy/item?"

Maybe she could bury the bug and create a little popsicle stick tombstone or something. Maybe she can take pictures of the treasured items and put them in a book so she can look at them and remember them.

Clutter has also become my pet peeve! Good Luck!