I Have to Convince Dad to Put Kids to Bed...

When does Dad get 'unwind' time? I agree that you need to have one bedtime. Everyone starts the routine together, rotating out as the bath/shower is ready.

Don't get me wrong, I get that you've worked hard all day, but I also see Dad's point that just because he was not with the kids all day, that doesn't me he isn't tired too.

Now, if he isn't wanting to help with the routine because he wants to play video games or something, that is completely different and wrong.

When's HIS break?

Since you BOTH have a job, I suggest that you consider alternating the nights each of you put the kids to bed. Every other night. On Sunday...do it together.

Glad you are just venting.....because you have played a large roll in keeping the tribe growing. As for the "I don't work" comment, he really needs to pull his head out of the dark place....OR you really need to take a small vacation and let dad take over a few days.

If I understand right, you actually have TWO kids with you during the days. Correct? Not three? You are dying for a break after a long day. Why is he not allowed to feel like he is dying for a break?

I have worked full-time, and now I'm a SAHM. I can tell you, that I would NEED time to shake off the day after walking through that door. That wouldn't mean I'm a bad parent, trying to get away without having to raise them, being lazy. It means, I ALSO don't have ANY time during the day, where I'm not working. I don't think he is treating you like you don't work. I think you are treating HIM, like being outside of the house is a "break." It's not. It's ALSO work. It's ALSO stress. It's ALSO something you can't understand, being the SOLE provider. Having the entire livelihood of his family on his back. When does he get a break? Do your kids not nap? Do they not have quiet time? Do they not have time where they sit and play without your help? Do they not ever sit and do puzzles, look at books, color, play with blocks? Why are their bedtimes all different? Those are your breaks. I have breaks scattered throughout the day. 5 minutes here. 20 minutes there. If you aren't getting breaks, what are your kids doing that doesn't allow you that?

I guess I'm having a hard time sympathizing. You are demanding something you won't even consider giving him. I don't believe either of you are compromising, but I also thing you are being accusatory and
demanding. Kind of hypocritical.

**It's the double standard that I find hypocritical. You want a break, but him wanting a break...means he doesn't know how to parent. You are doing the same thing to him, you perceive he is doing to you. Yet, not one woman is going to get on here and throw your parenting under the bus.

You want to be done at 7 but he doesn't have that same right? Ditto what Bug and Jo said. I work full time too and this idea of the out of the home parent coming home and being expected to take over from the poor SAHM pisses me off. People are tired after working all day too! You are acting like he was out having fun. Work it out for you to both have some down time. Bedtimes for the 6 and 4.5 year olds should be the same. My husband and I took turns reading to both our kids at the same time every night. If I'd had to do one and then start all over with the other, I'd not have been happy either. Just bc someone is at work all day so doesn't see the kids doesn't mean it's down time to spend time with them at home. Look at it this way - if it's so great and easy and fun to be with the kids, you're the one having fun all day. And it will be worse when you have the baby. You must have known his capacity before you decided to have another child... Anyway, acknowledge he's tired too! Take turns!

I know you said you just want to vent but I want to make a suggestion. Try sympathizing with him so you can sympathize together about the demands that children place on you. I suggest that once he feels heard he'll complain less. The two of you can be together in this. You're having similar feelings about the same things.

You're tired and you want him to not complain. However, don't you also complain? You are really in this together and both have the right to feel this way. Make him your partner and not the other person who is supposed to do this for you.

You are in this together all ready. Many fathers do not help. Play the togetherness card.

BTW when my grandkids were 4 and 6 they had the same bed time. Make this easier on yourself.

Hi K.,

You are pregnant and tired and, no, being the SAHM does not mean you don't work. You are tired at the end of the day and now you are pregnant tired which is a whole other kind of tired. You need a moment.

Having said that, I agree with the other posters. So does your husband. Especially now that your family is getting bigger, something has to give. It's important that you hear him, because you don't want him to resent his time with the kids. They will feel it, even if he doesn't mean for them to. You both have the need to be still at some point in the day and no one need anything from you.

I agree the the 4.5 and 6 yo's need to go to bed at the same time. And I think an abbreviated bed time routine during the week wouldn't hurt either. I don't understand the whole read books, sing songs, thing. It's bed time. Brush teeth, one book (together), say prayers, hugs and kisses, good night. Fifteen minutes no matter who does it. If you want him to do this, then when he gets home give him 30 minutes to an hour ALONE. This is what I do for my husband if I need him to put the kids to bed. He gets home, he goes upstairs, he gets to unwind and be his own company. He needs that.

Ah yes, the overtired, misunderstood SAHM. When I didn't work, I knew many women like this, only thinking of themselves.

So, do you want him to do bedtime because you want him to have quality time with them, or do you want him to do it so you can have some free time? When exactly does HE get free time? It sounds like he doesn't. Of course he's unhappy with this arrangement.

Not to mention, the staggered bedtimes are odd, too long, and too much work. DD has been brushing her teeth and doing most of her bedtime stuff for a couple of years now, sometimes with a story thrown in, sometimes not. When she's tired, she usually just wants to go to sleep, and it's good with me.

When you have kids, I agree that both parents need to help, but I think it's unfair of you to give him zero decompression or relaxation time, but make sure that you get yours. I don't care what anyone says, working out of the home all day, for 10, 11, 12+ hours AND being the only bread winner is very tiring and stressful. He needs his rest time to be productive, keep his job, and keep a roof over your head. If you're tired, you can still hang out in your jammies all day if you want to. I am gone from my house for 10 hours and you know when I get to rest? When DD is in bed at 8pm. I thought that's when most parents took a little break.

Bottom line, you have chosen this lifestyle. Be happy that you're able to stay home with your kids and give your husband a break. And find other ways for your husband to spend quality time with the kids. Because a 3 hour bedtime routine ain't it. And, find other ways to get your "you" time.

Sorry, "bedtime routine" does not necessarily equate to "quality time." And I don't think he doesn't "get it" because you "don't work." As several ladies have said, night time is not just YOUR break. You already admit he works a lot. He gets home late, and he wants a break too!

He get's home around 6:30 and he has to get the first kiddo ready for bed at 7pm? That's not much of a break for him, is it? Meanwhile you expect 3 hours off? I get that you're pregnant and need to rest. He's worked a long day and needs to rest too.

3 hours for bedtime routine is exhausting. Why aren't your kids bathing together? Maybe you can "split up" the bedtime routine. Either alternate days (which, seems might be best since there are days when he works late) or split up the routine.

You mention that you only want to read the "I have the same problem" responses. Guess you're not willing for things to change. I USED to have the same problem. I stayed home with my little one while my husband worked, and I couldn't understand why he didn't want to help out and spend more time with our girls. We fought about it and talked about it. The biggest change came when *I* started working again full time. I was exhausted when I got home. And I could see where he was coming from. We "split" bedtime duties (i bathed, he did pjs/brushing teeth, and we split up the kids for stories and bed). There are days when he works late and i have to do it all. There are days when I'm utterly exhausted (i rarely have to work late) and he does it all. Sometimes, for fun, we use the bedtime routine as a bargaining chip. :)

Find an equitable solution. One that's fair to BOTH of you.

CHANGE the Routine! 3 hrs!!!!!!!!
Change your ATTITUDE, you're BOTH tired, don't put that in the equation at all!
He should enjoy spending quality time with his kids. But bedtime at your house is a big pain in the neck that takes THREE hours! All three should bathe together, the oldest one right after the little two, then listen to stories together, Say their prayers together and go to bed at the same time! A 6 yr old could read quietly for a few more minutes but 8 is a better bedtime for a child who does not nap. My almost 8 yr old goes to bed between 8 and 8:20 7n days a week. Help him for a while, if you want him to take over with the littlest when the new baby comes you should start this now.
Make this a family time, he bathes while you get out pajamas, he dresses youngest while you supervise the bathing 6 yr old (showers are easier for shampooing alone. Make this a fun time, if your kids are pains in the neck about going to bed, make some new rules and habits now before the new baby comes.
8:30 you both are done! and get to relax.

Your "vent" is a load of bs. Sorry.

I don't have that problem. Wanna know why? Because every single night my husband and I put our children to bed TOGETHER.

You should really consolidate the bedtime routine to make it easier for everyone. They way you have it now, bedtime activities last for the better part of 3 hours. I have two kids and I love them with all my heart, but I wouldn't want bedtime stuff to last that long either. The kids are young. Why can't they go to bed at the same time? You could put them in the tub together. Get everyone in jammies and brush teeth. Have them all sit together while someone reads a story to them. Then everyone gets kisses and its night night time....about 30-45 minutes.

I can see how your DH would be a bit tired from work and wouldn't want to draw out the bedtime routine as much...try consolidating it and he might be more receptive to it.

Try to get the kids to be more indepenent, then it won't be such a chore. By the time my boys were five the bedtime routine consisted of me saying "go get your pj's on and brush your teeth." Then five minutes of story time and off to bed. Also, why 3 different bedtimes? My boys had the same bedtime at the age of four as they do now, their sleep requirements have not changed. I would find that whole routine to be a huge chore, especially after working all day. Work on making it easier.

I know how your husband feels. I am the only provider, and after a very stressful day at work it feels like I'm knocking off work to carry bricks. I feel like I don't get a break because it's work, work, work all day, then work, work, work all night until the last one is asleep. Cut him some slack.

My husband and I both work. I put the kids (2 of them) to bed every night. Its practically a 2 hour routine from bath to jammies to teeth to books to songs to sleep. Sure sometimes it feels like quality time but sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes everyone is cranky tired resistant and argumentative. It feels like a chore. Even though I haven't been with the kids all day and I want to spend this time with them, sometimes I like the evening off from this chore as well. Give hubs a break now and then, he will really thank you for it. Even if it is just a partial break from one aspect of it. When I'm overdone my husband will just take over the teeth brushing supervision and it is 5 minutes of heaven for me.

I agree with the other moms that you need to at least streamline some of these bedtimes into one. Mine are age 3 and 6 and since the younger one turned 1 they have gone to bed at the same time. And that goes long enough. I'm not surprised your husband doesn't look forward to a 3+ hour bedtime routine after more than 8 hours at work.

Let him experience some real quality time with the kids that doesn't involve wrangling them from bath to pajamas to bed. 1 or 2 nights a week let him just "hang" with some of the older ones while you get the little ones down.

I have been a SAHM for years, three kids, two years apart each. My husband worked long hours too, and I usually fed myself and the kids before he got home so the dinner mess was over and done. If I had time I would get the bathing out of the way after dinner. That made the bedtime routine easier, and they all went to bed at about the same time (your staggered bedtimes sound like a nightmare to me!) Hubby would make a plate and we would all hang out in the living room for a while, playing, watching TV, whatever, while daddy had a chance to eat and just be with us. I think THAT is quality time. Then I would get the kids to bed and go take a bath or read or something. That was MY quality time, my break, my alone time. I also got out of the house on the weekends here and there, my husband was great about understanding that I needed a break.
The reality of being a SAHM is that you are basically ON 24/7. We don't get much down time, especially when they are little. And now you are adding another kid to the mix, which is just going to stretch you thinner. Maybe you need some help during the day, a part time sitter or mother's helper? Not everyone is cut out to be on their own with a house full of children every day. It's HARD.

I get it. I am a SAHM to 8, only 4 of which are full time (the others are much older) and I homeschool.

I'm gonna agree with Bug on this one. You are both fighting for the same thing. He is at work all day, you are working all day. He wants a few minutes of peace at night, you want a few minutes of peace at night. See....

So compromise. He get's Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. You get Tuesday's, Thursday's, and Saturday with Sundays alternating.

Also the oldest is only there every so often, he is old enough to do all of the bed time stuff by himself. For that matter so could the 4 year old, with a little supervision. Stop staggering the older two's bedtimes, they can go to bed at the same time. Meet somewhere in the middle. No wonder your evenings drag on and on.

Another suggestion is to stop waiting for him to come home to feed the kids. Feed the kids earlier, have them half way ready for bed by the time he walks in the door. Then he can play with them when he walks in the door, instead of looking at bedtime as his bonding time, see it for what it is..work. You guys can kick off your shoes together and enjoy a quite meal.

I don't think my husband would have been very good at the bed/bath routine either. I always did all of that. I got my "breaks" in other ways, like taking off for an hour in the evening to work out (have dinner in the oven and you're good to go) or go grocery shopping by myself. I did the same thing on the weekends, stole an hour or two here and there for some "me" time and a little peace and quiet.
Find other ways and times that work better for your husband, it doesn't sound like he's cut out for bedtime. Maybe he'd be better at cleaning up after dinner, or playing with the kids for an hour while you take a bath.
If you're going to keep having kids together you need a routine that works for BOTH of you, or you're both going to end up unhappy and resentful.

Well I hear you! Any man who has impregnated his wife, when asked to jump should not only say 'how high?' But also 'when do you want me to come down' LOL!!! Especially when that woman is caring for several young children at the same time! I think he is just tired and cranky at the end of a long day too and probably just doesn't see that as family bonding time but rather the last thing between him and shutting it down! That is how mine is anyway! Maybe bedtime routine is too intensive! We have three and each night of the week one of the older two pick one story. It goes like this MWF is the oldest's pic; T TH S is my middle man an Sunday is parents choice. Cutting back to one story has been awesome! So basically if my hubby is home he does teeth, I read story and we both tuck in. Nobody is officially 'off' till the kiddos are down. It helps for us to both be involved in the process. Wish you the best and a healthy rest of your pregnancy!!

You vent away.. Your post, makes me very sad,

What would he do if the kids told him how much they like him putting them to bed?

How would it make him feel if the kids said, "No, we do not want daddy, we only want mommy?"

That is the problem with him feeling like this bedtime routine is a "Chore or a job".. It is insulting to his children, if they were to ever find out.

My husband and I traded lots of times. And then sometimes, our daughter would ask for one of us for whatever reason.. But I must be honest, I cannot recall my husband, not wanting to be with our daughter to tuck her in.. or to do anything with her.

Your husband kind of breaks my heart for your children. Children adore their parents.. With all of their hearts.. For them to ever even get a whiff of his negative thoughts about being with them.. wow..

We both worked full time until she started kindergarten, so we were both exhausted. But again, we never complained about our time with our daughter instead we kept in mind.. "she would only really be with us until she went off to college.. And that is IF she still wanted to be around us during her teen years." It goes by so fast.. And it is the truth.

A 3 hour bedtime routine sounds like hell. I wouldn't even want to put my own kids to bed with that schedule. Mine are 2 years apart in age and have the same bedtime.

The 6 and 4 year old should go to bed at the same time. Maybe all three of them, even. Tag team with your husband - you handle the little one while he does the older ones, and get all three of them down by 7:30-8:00.

Putting the older two to bed at the same time means you can read to them at the same time, further reducing this drawn out process.

Now if you make those changes and your husband still complains, then it is time to tell him that you've put up with it for too long and you expect him to be an involved father and that means doing the grunt work and not just the fun stuff.

I know from experience both what you are going through and that kids don't go to bed as soon as they get done w/ bathtime. While you need a break after all day and hubby needs time w/ the kids, he does also need a break because he too was working all day (just as you were but just not at home).

I think him spending time with them doing the baths while you are cleaning up is great but spreading the bedtime routine over so long a stretch is the problem. Could you adjust the routine and merge the bedtimes (maybe 8 for all). Letting whomever has currently has the latest bedtime be the last for bathtime since you know they won't go to sleep instantly? Then maybe alternate who reads the bedtime story each night giving both of you a break and both of you that quality time with the kids at bedtime.

You know what?
Life won't always be like this.
Someday the kids will be grown and gone and there will be no more story time and tucking in.
It's not a chore to put the kids to bed - it's a privilege and an honor and a wonderful time of your life.
It's awful you've got 4 kids plus another on the way and you both natter on about who has to be the one to settle them into bed.
What did you both think that having 4/5 kids was going to be like?
Maybe you should both take a night off once a month and have a sitter or relative watch the kids while you and Hubby have a date night out.

I would stop the staggered bedtime routine and have him put the oldest kids to bed at 8pm together. Each night trade off reading in each other's rooms together, then you are done earlier. You are both working all day, he shouldn't be expected to work a 2nd shift after he gets home. Yes, it's quality time with his kids, but after a full day, it can sure be draining! I tell you, even though I love my kids dearly, bedtime can be trying. Low energy is not my friend. Your oldest can read after the 8pm bedtime if it's too early to sleep. Your hubbie might start enjoying the routine more if he knows it will be short and sweet. Congratulations on your growing family.

I also have 3 kids about the same age as yours, 1 on the way, and a works-too-much husband. The difference is that my hubsand is almost never home at bedtime to begin with. He is really only home for Saturday and Sunday bedtimes, and the kids are so excited for him to be there that they resist their bed times. It is actually easier for me to put all 3 to bed on my own, when he isn't home, than it is to put them to bed when he is here.

Your oldest should be old enough to do most of the bedtime routine by himself. My (almost) 4 yr old needs minimal supervision. My oldest 2 take showers now so that they CAN be left alone in there.

I find it easier to do some of the bedtime routine downstairs--I keep their toothbrushes and toothpaste in the powder room, so it isn't as much of a chore to get them to brush. It's just in the other room. Books can be read on the sofa in the family room, which is what I prefer to do since there's no back support on the kids' beds, and all 3 of them want to sit on my lap. [Clarification: I am suggesting that HE still supervises the brushing and books, but just to do it downstairs instead.] So, that could leave him with just the songs to deal with when he goes upstairs.

Really, if he's not bathing them, then there really isn't that much to be done. And yes, you should get LOTS of extra slack when you're pregnant. It's hard to grow a human all day for 9 months ;-)

Why are there three different bedtimes? If I understand correctly you're going through the whole process teeth, book, songs? and tuck in THREE times. I would complain too if I was putting kids to bed for 2-3 hours every night.

Find an in between time, brush together, read one book to all, skip the songs and tuck in one after the other. The whole thing should take about 30 minutes.

If you're pregnant he should not only do it happily but get ready for the infant months when you will be focused on the baby. After that you can re evaluate rolls and tweak your system. Why did he make another baby with you if he already complains about taking care of the ones you have?

I know that being a mom (especially a SAHM of 3-1/2!) is a full time job, on call 24/7.
Some think that he "deserves to relax after working all day" but you don't.
Guess what? If you can get an hour of peace per evening for your pregnant self--TAKE IT! Lol
My husbsnd busts hump for 50-60 hours per week -- and I mean physically demanding work -- and ya know what? He cooks the days I work AND he takes over shower/tuck in duty EVERY night.
See--your husband seems to know how to MAKE babies, but seems clueless about having a family. I'm sorry.
I really do t know that you can get him to change.
I certainly don't think asking him to do bedtimes (even a few tomes per week) is asking him to do a "job" -- these are his KIDS and I assume they want to spend time with him!

When my DH accused me of doing nothing because his mental list of things weren't done (like the dishes), I started writing down all the things I did do. He didn't like that (because he felt like a boss getting a report from an employee) and I said, "If that's how you feel, how do you think *I* feel?"

I would also remind him that I do know he works, and if there's a better division of labor at night I'd be willing to hear it, but it makes a HUGE difference to me for him to put the big kids in bed, especially his son who so badly needs DAD TIME the few hours he sees him. Does DH need half an hour to himself first? What would help him be more willing to help you? I'm an introvert and sometimes just 20 minutes by myself is amazing.

I would also say, "Okay, how about you do whatever routine you want, but they have teeth brushed and are in bed by x time. It's all you. Go." Maybe he'd like to change the routine. I do think the older two can do a lot themselves. Get their own PJs, listen to one book, etc. Maybe have the 6 yr old do all that pre-bed stuff with the 4 yr old and then get some quiet time before his own bedtime.

I don't get the night "off" but DH does come home and help me. He gave DD her bath.

What I typically do when I get frustrated is look at "total hours on the job" a day for me vs my husband. Sure, I love my children more than the air I breath but if you find it taxing to be with them all day, why isn't it also taxing for the parent who has worked all day outside the home? I've never understood that. As you know, being with the kids is not "me time". He just wants some "me time" too! And bedtime is not really quality time. As well, his job in your relationship is to be the breadwinner. He's done his job for the day. It's hard for him to not want to just relax some. I know how he feels! You could go back to work if it's so easy... Sorry your vent turned into people disagreeing with you but hopefully you'll see now you're not being fair. My sister stays home and is grateful for that. She knows her husband works hard so I bet he has RARELY put the kids to bed without her or even helped her that much. She also has 3 kids. I see one of yours isn't there all the time so most days you have 2 kids... My BIL adores my sister. My coworker's wife is more like you're being and he just doens't like her anymore. He's sick to death of providing a nice lifestyle for her and making enough she can stay home and then getting dumped on when he gets home like she's had it so much harder. If your days start around the same time but yours ends around 7 while his ends around 9, it's just not fair. His total hours "worked" are more. Also, when it's your job to take care of the kids, from 8-5, that's your job. It's easier mentally to deal with it. 6 or 7:00 is supposed to be quitting time for everyone. It's not when you have young kids but 7 is kind of quitting time for you but not your husband. It's a load that should be shared or alternated. If I were him, I'd start working late more often but sit in the car and read a book. Seems to be the only way he can get some time to himself. I always found doing dishes to actually kind of be "me time" when the kids were young btw. It's easier than giving baths etc.

I would also go with one bedtime and take turns so he has some eves he's relaxing. We don't give a bath every night in the winter so bed time is not a long ordeal. I actually like to do it because I cuddle with my son. But sometimes I like to relax in the eve. So hubby goes up.

I think you both should have some eves that the other one takes over, especially if one person had a rough day. Both of you are working overtime! :)

I will read these responses!! I have exclusively breastfed both our kiddos. The older one still wants me in his room until he falls asleep. Since I am still nursing our younger one, bedtime takes about 2 to 3 hours. My husband has only put our older son to sleep, probably a handful of times within the last year...and that's only because I had to work late. Instead, my husband plays video games, watches TV, or works out every night. Me time? No me time because as soon as the little one falls asleep, I try to do chores until the next feeding. Me time is right now...I should be sleeping bu need at least 30 minutes just for me. Good luck!!

Okay, its about time he learn that he is a PARENT.
By now, with another baby on the way, has he not learned this yet?
It doesn't matter if the Mom is a SAHM or works, he is a PARENT TOO and these are his kids, TOO.
So tell him stop griping. Geez.
Grow up.
This is what a Dad or Mom, does.
It is called responsibility.
HE has to be a parent, too.
A Dad, is NOT EXEMPT, from child rearing, just because he works.
Being a parent is ALL the time... not according to if someone works or not.
You are STILL a parent.

He needs to grow up, and realize what a parent is.
There is no time off, from it.

I have been a SAHM since my 1st child was born. I have 2 kids who are both in school now. And I now work part time, but am also home with my kids everyday and night.
My Husband, DOES help. It was not right away from the beginning, but he realizes, now, that I CANNOT BE ON CONSTANT GO GO GO GO GO GO GO non-stop, with the kids AND the household upkeep AND scheduling and EVERYTHING. HE, is a PART of the family too. NO man or Dad... is responsibility free... just because he works and the woman does or does not.
It is NOT, according to gender.
Oh and don't even expect... the Wifey to be so smiling and happy and like Mary Poppins every damn minute, when SHE is doing everything... and the Husband has expectations too.
SO thus, the HUSBAND has to HELP TOO... THIS IS HIS FAMILY TOO AND HE HAS TO HELP TAKE CARE OF THE WIFE TOO.
Right?
We are not a light switch.