I Have a 12 Year Old Son

I think the entire home environment is a negative influence and definitely a part of the reason for his talking back. I strongly recommend that you get him involved in counseling. I suggest that you go back to the court and ask for a change of custody and a new custody study.

You did not mention how you discipline around this issue or if you have any other behavior issues going on. You can positively influence your son while he is with you by using an effective discipline style. I highly recommend getting the book Love and Logic by Foster Cline and ------.

Focus on all that he does that is positive by giving lots of praise. A parent needs to give 8 positive remarks for each negative one to be effective in building self-esteem.

Talk with your son about what sort of language and attitude is acceptable. Allow him to vent about anything that he wants. Make it a discussion, asking him what he thinks. Keep a positive and calm demeanor while remaining firm at the end that you will not accept him talking back to you. Decide in advance what the consequence will be for doing so and be consistent in applying it.

If it were me and my grandchildren, I would tell them to go to their room until they can speak in a respectful manner. They have the option of coming out and starting over when they know that they will be respectful.

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Hi G.

Just because you're in the room when adult content is on, doesn't mean your child will know how to talk to you about the adult content. I think you're right and that isn't ok.

These movies have a rating, because some things kids just are not mature enough to handle or understand is funny and not real. How many time do we hear about our teens trying a stupid stunt they see on TV and get really hurt.

I would talk to your son about what he is watching, and let him know you're there to listen if he has questions. Also give him permission to leave the room if he wants too. Often kids feel they are stuck in the room where everyone else is and cannot leave. If you give him permission, he may feel OK to walk away.

Thanks for being a watchful & caring Dad.

R. Magby

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I would want to get custody of my children, if possible, to get them out of a household like that. The shows he watches are not the cause of his attitude, the whole chaotic arrangement is unhealthy. And kids who grow up in chaos tend to pass it on to their own children – it's all they know.

With that in mind, an organization like Big Brothers and Big Sisters might give your children additional positive influences and role models.

My best to you and your children.

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I wouldn't say it is just the movies/TV programming. But a combination of his total environment. It sounds rather chaotic to me, just reading the list of the people in the home... 3 adults, 2 teens (or almost teen) and a toddler. Maybe I am reading way more into what you wrote than is actually there, but the image that I get is one of chaos and anything goes... any language, any images (TV/movies), any mode of communication (?)..... I mean.. who decides the rules of that household? The two sisters? The two sisters and the "adult" daugther/niece? How much input does your 16 yr old have? And your son is the only boy?? (I don't count the toddler, b/c that is hardly someone to commiserate about all that female drama that likely goes on).

I, personally, for ME, would not be able to tolerate that sort of household. It would drive me over the edge. Where in the world does your son go to get away from anything? Or to have "down" time?

If that isn't a big big part of his behavior issue, I would be surprised. I am NOT saying that he should not live with his mom. There is not nearly enough information given here to make any kind of judgment about that. But, if all parties were in agreement, it might be something worth considering for your son.... having him live with you for awhile. ? Is the household situation (2 families in the home) something that is temporary? Is it a "new development?" I have never been a big proponent of having "extra-familial" adults living in the home... and I mean by that, people that are not part of the nuclear family (this means extended family is also excluded). An aged or elderly parent would be a different scenario, but would still have to be heavily considered and options weighed. SO many aspects of the nuclear family are altered when you introduce outside influences beyond the mom/dad. Sorry, I don't mean to go on about that... not everyone agrees with me, and I know that. And every situation is different. But the "ideal" would be to have only the nuclear family in one home, imho.
(I consider step parents/siblings as part of the nuclear family. Aunts/uncles, adult cousins, friends, etc I do not).

Whether or not your son's mom watches these things with him is irrelevant, in my opinion. It's not the images per se, that are so damaging. It's the normalization of the bizarre/crass/crude/rude/disrespectfulness, that does the damage.

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probably not, he is old enough to know that that behavior is not okay, but he shouldnt be allowed to watch them either because he is so young, he is probably just at that age to where he will talk back and get an attitude, how long have you two been divorced? did his attitude start when you two split? if so its probably him acting out from the divorce

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Movies are rated for a reason, so I agree they are to young to be watch such things.

You can not make your ex have a clean room. But what you can do for both of your children is teach them at your home how a person with dignity should live. You can teach him what is unacceptable behavior and what is not. I would find out if he is truly bothered how he lives and if he needs a change. I would fine out if puberty is the cause of his attitude.

Communication with your son is the key. You as his dad should be teaching him how to be a respectful boy so he grows into a respectful man. You are his biggest influence he will ever have.

Good luck!

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I have a question. I do agree if the house is smelly and dirty with all the adults living there, they are very lazy. Or just waiting for the other person, or waiting for your ex to clean up for them. Does your ex work? I am a single mom, teenage son and 10 year old son. I work fulltime. My house isn't the cleanest on the block, it doesn't smell and I do clean it, but I am just to exhausted to clean every day after work. I do pick up the living room and clean the kitchen every day, but pass a white glove test? no way. Have you asked your ex why her house is so messy? Asked if she is overwhelmed or needs help with anything? I think the talking back might be the way he is living, it may have to do more with puberty. I would just set rules on how he is to treat you in your home and stick to it. You may not see any progress fast, but in the long run, he will repect and accept it.

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I would not approve of these kinds of movies, but it is more likely that the disrespectful and chaotic home life you describe is more to blame than anything he watches on TV. TV sounds more like a symptom than a cause. It is also possible that a child with two first degree relatives who have cognitive issues may have some neurological issues that cause behavioral or impulse control issues, because these things tend to run in families. Has the school ever suggested any additonal needs, deficts in his learning, or reported behavoiral concerns? If you are sure that he is really doing fine other wise, you should focus on the foul langauge and structure of his main home life.

M.

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I think that the things that you mention could cause your son stress which results in the behavior you describe. His living situation sounds pretty dysfunctional and kids absorb the stress and emotions of others in the house and this could definately affect his behavior. Try to do things with him that he enjoys and encourage him to talk to you about how he feels. Don't force him to talk, just let him know that you are there for him and if he needs anything he can come to you and trust you.

Also, beware that most pre- teens go through a phase where they are testing the waters and may act more obnoxious than they have in the past. My 12 year old son is no exception this past year he has started talking back and acting more obnoxious. All those hormones and changes going on in his body. I refuse to argue with him and he has learned that talking back to me does not benefit him in any way, yet he still does it!

Hang in there and try to sort out whether or not his behavior is due to hormones or stress in the house.

Good Luck

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I'm pretty sure it's all been said. Good for you, for working on your own stuff. As a teacher, I have been in too many conferences where the parents are divorced and it is super ugly. They demean one another in front of their kid, blame one another for the issues that are present. I would encourage you both to work with the counselors, teachers, administrators and anyone else involved in your son's life to create plans to help him get on the right track. I teach junior high and it's very easy for the "loud" boys to kind of get shoved to the side because they are hard to deal with. Personally, they are my favorites! Please be an advocate for him and model the right thing to do and gently push him in the right directions.

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I think some of it is just age, but environment does contribute for sure. You just have to do the best you can with your time, since you can not control the other home. Maybe your son would like to see a therapist so he has a safe place to vent.

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Definitely not OK!
Since you are divorced, I think you may have recourse through a parenting plan to get the whole family in for parenting classes. Then you have a third party, expert authority, in a constructive situation to work on understanding why this is harmful to developing children, and how to live a more healthy lifestyle.

During her divorce, my friend, who has always been a wonderful, loving, effective, positive parent, had to go through parenting classes through the county with her mother and sisters because they were all caretakers for her son. She said they learned a lot!

I hope you can help your son before his resentments eat him up! You're a great dad for being pro-active in your concerns. Also perhaps this is a good time for you to take more custody, as he is maturing and could probably use a strong male role model. I recommend watching "Raising Cain." I got it from the library and it is very good, a show about raising boys.
best wishes.

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You sound very controlling you are not a moral compass. If your son wants a clean room he is old enough to clean it if the show is to scarey, gory he will change it or his 16 yr.old sister. The i.Q'S of the family members are none of your business. You admit to being uninvolved in your children's life and abusive.If I were you I would take what you can get when you are with your children enjoy that time together and do not speak negitively about your ex or her family they are a part of them also.You will totally turn them off to you.

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I wouldn't worry too much about the gory movie part. I liked gory horror movies as a kid and my parents let me watch them. As far as I can tell, it's normal for children to love gory, slasher flicks. There's a thrill to watching action and horror that just appeals to youngsters, it seems. I outgrew that eventually, and now I rarely watch TV. (I don't even know about the stuff you're talking about.)

The problem there is the unhealthy environment the boy is in. Sounds to me it's unlikely your ex's family will ever change. It would be good for your son if you could take him on vacation and let him experience something different. Maybe you have family, like his grandparents, that he can stay with for an extended visit?

Best thing you can do is to be a good father. Set an example of what a man should be. Teach him how to dress. Show him what a family should be like. That may be hard to do, given you see him only once a week. But you sound earnest. If he sees you are a real man, he will, at the very least, respect you. Good luck.

Well, it certainly can't help! Is there any way you could try to get more custody of your son? It sounds like he lives in a lazy household and it's easier to let him watch whatever they want to watch instead of doing the right thing and monitoring what he gets to see. Good luck! It sounds like there may be several causes for his bad behavior.

Hi G.,
It's great that you are back in your son's life. He is at the age where he will be watching you closely and modeling your behavior. You're are the man in his life and the one he will look to as he learns to be a man himself. If you treat his mom and others with respect, your son will take notice, especially if this is different than how things are at his mom's house. I'd encourage you to avoid referring to these women as "not very bright", even if it's true (!), or he may think it's OK to demean others and talk back to them... and you. It sounds like you are working on your stuff. As you get better, it can't help but rub off on your son. Good luck.