I Hate Sex

Talk to your OB. If it is not a physical problem, you may want to consider seeing a psychiatrist and getting some therapy.

If you have never shared your feelings with your husband, you may find that he is very hurt and dispapointed. Men see sex as an expression of love, and it is the way that they recieve it and give it, the very most important way to them. He can't just turn that off, it is the way he is made. This will hit him hard and he may feel rejected and dispondent about your feelings. It really is not about his entitlement, he wants you to want this in the most basic way. It means that much to him.

For that reason, it is really important that you get to the bottom of why you are feeling this way, and that you break it gently to your husband. He does deserve honesty, but seriously, it will crush him. I know that you are thinking that he should just be logical and understand that you are not rejecting him and this is a problem that is within you and has nothing to do with how you feel about him, but that is probably not going to happen.

M.

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Hi Mama-

I strongly suggest you talk to your OB and have your hormone levels checked. You may have a hormone imbalance.

R. Magby

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I can completely relate. I really don't like kissing...high school french kissing. yuck. and for 10 minutes or more..double yuck. I have a hard time with sex as well...in some ways I just feel oversexed...we are saturated with it in songs, on billboards, on the radio, in commercials...it is everywhere. I think it just feels like a lot of pressure to have it-and to have a lot of it. Don't get me started on morning sex. I would most definetely rather sleep!!! At the end of a long day...as a mom..the best way to spend it is watching tv with a delightful beverage (san pellingrino with cranberry juice and a slpash of oj) and a pottery barn magazine (or people depending on my mood)! It probably has a lot to do with your horomones right this minute not to mention that you have three freakin children!!!! You obviously don't hate it that much..just kiddding! You are certainly not the only wonan who does it more out of obligation. My only advice is to not give up trying to enjoy it..and if for no other reason-have sex because it naturally makes you feel closer to your spouse and it feels a lot better going to bed without all of the "am I a bad wife, I bet he wants to have sex, why do I hate sex so much" guilt ridden conversation that you have with yourself before bed. I always feel better after doing it! And if you think your horomones are out of wack maybe talk to your dr. Have you always hated sex? oh and my husband and I had sex twice the entire time I was pregnant...I found out at 6 weeks. Good luck!

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Did you tell your husband this before you got married? If you didn't and you're just springing it on him now, don't be surprised if you get a very negative reaction. If that's the case then what you're doing isn't fair at all. He entered your marriage with a reasonable expectation of having a sex life with you, his wife. If you're changing the rules now, then you are the one in the wrong. You are correct that he is entitled to it and frequently. After all, it's not like he's all of a sudden saying, "I really hate supporting our family, so I'm not going to do it any more". You entered your marriage with a resonable expectation that he would hold down a job and support your family. It's basically the same concept. Neither of you can or should back out on the commitments you have made.

I'd actually recommend that you see a therapist for this after talking to your OB and ruling our hormonal problems. It is not normal or natural to see sex as "disgusting". Sex is a vital part of a healthy marriage. It is a beautiful and spiritual thing when it is shared between two people that deeply love each other. It's a great stress reliever too.

Some food for thought. Most of the moms that I know that get burnt out and feel like their identities have been consumed by motherhood are the women that are not having regular sex with their husbands. The women that have sex with their hubbies regularly get that affirmation of their femininity and sexiness on a regular basis and are less inclined to feel that their sense of self has been consumed by motherhood. Women that have regular sex with their hubbies also tend (generalization) to have happier marriages and also tend to have a more positive self-image. Semen also has hormones in it that are beneficial for us ladies to come in contact with and can promote a sense of well-being.

God made us as two halves of a whole. He engineered our bodies to fit together in a mutually beneficial, sexual marital relationship. It is right for a wife to sleep with her husband. There is no reason not to do it and tons of reasons to do it.

Parting thought: The more you do it, the more you feel like doing it. It's true.

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Wow, ideally sex should be the one thing that you and your husband do together to reaffirm your commitment... I mean, you can have deep friendships with numerous friends and family, but sex should be that one thing you do with the person you romantically love, the glue that keeps your bond strong. It makes me feel sad to envision that it feels empty to you. May I ask... Do you feel attractive? Do you like the way you look? For women, a lot of sexual desire is influenced by feelings of self-perception and body image; often, when a woman feels unattractive, she doesn't want to be touched sexually. Depression and sleep deprivation can also impact arousal and enjoyment. Or, perhaps your husband has never really spent time doing things that would make it more enjoyable for you... (I mean, heck! If you only get "wham-bam-thank you ma'am" one-sided sex, then I can understand why you hate it.) of course, if he senses that you're not into it or regard it as inconvenient or a chore, then he's probably not making an effort to 'do things for you'; he's just finishing up as fast as possible... I strongly advise against telling your husband that you don't like it or would rather live platonically. That will destroy your marriage. Your husband will hear it as a form of rejection. Don't go there...

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Was there an experience in your life, that caused you to view sex in a negative way? I mean, a bad, traumatic, disgusting experience? If so, counseling might help. Your husband married you, with the assumption you would have a sex life. I don't agree with another poster, who said he should be entitled to it "frequently" Frequently to some men can mean several times a day! I think as frequently as you are physically able (being pregnant and having other children) would be fair. Get your hormones checked, seek counseling, do what you have to.

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Your husband is entitled to honesty and a wife who is willing to be on the same page as he is, sexually. I also suggest talking to your OB and having your hormones tested. But if you are simply one of those people who identifies as asexual, you need to be honest with your spouse about it and find a solution to this dilemma, which might include therapy for the both of you.

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Martha R was right. Part of what she said, "Men see sex as an expression of love, and it is the way that they recieve it and give it, the very most important way to them. He can't just turn that off, it is the way he is made. This will hit him hard and he may feel rejected and dispondent about your feelings. It really is not about his entitlement, he wants you to want this in the most basic way. It means that much to him."

Men feel differently about the marriage relationship than women do. To see how men feel read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It will help you understand where your husband comes from and how he feels. A similar book is "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage."

Good luck to you and yours.

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Hi J.~
I think Anne A. from Chicago put it PERFECT! I actually do not have a lot to add... It is VERY COMMON regardless of what others are sayint; to be turned off by sex when you have 3 young children. It has to do with stress levels, being over-worked and over tired. So know that it is more common than not when women have young children. I will look for a past link later to a thread similar to yours. I think it will be helpful... Know you are not in the minority regardless of the feedback you are getting here. I think the ONLY thing that concerns me is the fact you say not only do you hate it; you ALWAYS have... UNaware if you engaged in premarital sex or not, but most women do have somewhat of a sex drive prior to having children. If you had no sex drive prior to children (unless you are one that got pregnant the very first time); then I would say for sure have your hormones checked. If you once enjoyed it and now, are just not "feeling" it; then I will say you are in the norm and you may have to schedule magical nights a couple times a month. I actually agree with you about the morning sex thing. Actually my hubby and I have this discussion every few months. He is a morning person and I a night owl and we are on two different clocks. Happens after during swing shifts to keep the kids out of daycare... So we have to kind of give in to the other every so often. ;) So if that is an issue, talk about that. I also think you need to explore a few things on your own... 1st ask yourself if you have ever had a sexual relationship that you have enjoyed. If the only exsperience you have had with sex it penetration, then this too may be the reason you have not enjoyed it. You need to engage in a little "woman's play" with hubby and that will help you enjoy it more. Have a night of him just pleasing you.... No penetration, just other means of pleasure. Then the next time you him.... No penetration just ways of pleasure. (Does not have to involve oral satisfaction); just any type of touching that gets you off. If you have never done it; you have to explore your body a bit. DIscover what feels good and what does not. Then you can communicate this to your hubby. Trust me; men get off on knowing they please you. If you need to go to the adult store to get some assistance; this can help a lot. Once you can gently guide him and he can please you; then your attitude will change a bit (saying that you have never been abused or assulted before). I do not feel any husband is entitled to sex. I feel sex is what comes out of wanting a deeper connection with one person; unless when you exchanged your vows you said "I promise to have sex with you on a weekly basis". LOL... I think it is something that connects you beyound the bills and the kids; but not something that makes you... I feel bad for people who feel it is what holds a marrigae together... I know of many many women who come in and due to health issues of hubby or themselves; sex is not possible anymore. So I do not think sex makes a marriage just is an added benefit. You have already "replaced yourselves" in our specis and even had one more, so you have done your "obligation" of being fruitful... So just think about the reason behind your thoughts and I think it will help you move Forward... BTW... As far as kissing.... I have really enjoyed kissing some parties in my life and hated others... I think both sex and kissing cravings have a lot to do with the other providing party. So it may be something you have to help him learn...

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There is probably something medically wrong with you, a blood flow issue. Or there is supressed memories. You need to seek medical advice. It is in our d.n.a. to want sex, survival of the species and all. I would not just consider this just "something about you".

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Hmmm, I think a lot of women go through periods where they might be less interested in sex (or not interested at all) but actually HATING it is unusual (the women I know who aren't INTERESTED in sex still enjoy it once they're doing it). Also, most women DID like sex, and have become less interested as life's stresses caught up with them. Having NEVER liked sex is concerning. Finally, not being able to stand kissing, seems strange to me (not that you are strange, just the feeling is unusual).

I'd personally talk to my doctor and see if there might be some hormonal issue.

Also, not to be to invasive, but might there be something in your sexual history that has turned you off to physical intimacy. If you were raped or molested or something, I think you should seek counseling because it seems like it's still impacting your life.

Good luck with this,
T.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi J., are you getting what you need emotionally from sex as well as physically? There is more to sex than the physical motions and if you are only physically sexual, I can see where this could get old. Is it possible you and hubby need time away or alone with out the rush that someone may walk in on you? You say you never did love it, so perhaps that is not the case, but it is worth a try.

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Did you have passionate love for your husband when you met and married? Did something happen to turn that off? Was sex not what you thought it would be or not enjoyable or painful? You say you hate it so you definitely need to find out why, probably after the birth of this child. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, I know raising kids is exhausting! I agree with the mamas that talk about getting your hormone levels checked, that can make a really big difference. Also, just thinking in your own mind what it is you don't like about it may help. You mention that you don't want to be bothered at night when you are tired or in the morning again when you are tired. Are you feeling that hubby is not aware of your level of fatigue and is just wanting to pull out of you and not pour into you? Do you need more help with the kids? Is he not meeting your emotional needs and so connecting sexually just has no appeal? I know this is personal, but do you normally climax? Sex doesn't just turn on like a switch for many people and admitting that you are struggling with it is good. If you feel like talking about it with your hubby go gently, as someone else said, it is going to be tender for him. Keep it all on yourself, as far as your feelings go, and try to approach it from an angle that you want to work on it together so that part of your relationship can be really great. Good luck, and hang in there!!

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Do you ever feel sexy? For me, when I feel sexy, is when I want sex. I know it's hard to feel sexy at times, with or without kids, but thats my main turn on. So when we haven't had sex in awhile, I do things for myself that make me feel a lot better and feel sexy and BINGO.
I am not a morning sex type of person either, but my boyfriend is. So, yeah I compromise....sometimes. LOL. I guess my question to you would be, what would make you like having sex? What would it take for it to be appealing to youand enjoyable? Whether it's 1 thing or 100 things there might be something out there that floats your boat.
It took me a long time to get comfortable with sex, and to figure out what it was that turned me on and to get me interested in my partner, once I did, it was just a matter of feeling sexy, and now I have a pretty active sex life, which I love. But hey, you might be in that category of never having and never will like it. To each their own. Good Luck! =)

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There were times I didn't like sex, either. But there were reasons for that (I was sexually assaulted and had trouble enjoying it after that - and that was my first real experience - yeah, sux). But now I do enjoy it - but it has to be with someone I really love and trust. It doesn't have to be something you want all the time, but it also probably shouldn't seem disgusting, as you say... in terms of kissing, some people are not really into it. But are there other signs of affection you give your husband? Do you love him? If you think it is worth being with him, it would be a good idea to be honest with him about your feelings, and see what you can do to make it a better experience for both of you. Best wishes.

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After reading the other responses, I don't know why I am suprised by this site but I guess I am. I too feel very uninterested in sex. It happened over time, and it definately hasn't been this way until after kids. I have been very honest with my husband about this- we have each gone through times where sex is not a priority. Between our kids, pregnancy and the stress of life- sex is not something I really want to take part in. And overtime, making out has gotten so annoying. If we are going to have sex, let's just cut to the chase. Again, I don't think there is a need for counseling or some big intervention. Hopefully when the kids are older and we are not pregnant there will be a phase in our life when the desire is there. So yes, I do it in good spirit because he is "entitled to it" every once in a while!

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J., I know that it's hard feeling this way and knowing that your husband wants you. You're caught between quite a rock and a hard place.

It's important to remember that your husband married you for what all marriage entails, and that does include sex. Some men cannot go all their married lives living without. It would be devastating if he ended up divorcing you because you didn't want to have sex with him.

Sometimes we do for others because it's the right thing to do. They do for us even if they don't like it. Sex is part of that too. Try to put aside your negative feelings, use a good lubrication, try to relax and be accepting of it. If you think of him showing you love by making love to you, perhaps the feeling of disgust may evaporate away. After all, sex got you these kids. That's an expression of love.

All my best,
D.