I Got What I Want - Didn't Know It Was Going to Feel This Way

Oh come on . . . she's being inflexible and controlling to punish you - at least that's the way it sounds to me. I would not reward that behavior. I would be absolutely as chipper and happy as possible towards her. I.e., "OK, thanks for the info and we look forward to seeing you soon!"

And I would NOT let this anxiety show to my kids.

Have a great, blessed and relaxed Christmas morning! Buy a little extra for the kiddos, and watch them enjoy their new toys in the comfort of their own home.

She will eventually grow to accept the idea. She is being selfish and uncompromising. Santa visits kids at home, not at family homes.

Oh will you just stop it?! You are so programmed to please EVERYONE you don't even realize you've been rippin' off yourself and YOUR own family (husband and kids) all these years. And judging by your MIL's reaction I can see why.

I mean geez, your kids will be waking up in their OWN beds, flying out of their rooms, to see Santa's presents under THEIR tree, and really, that's how it SHOULD be. Your MIL had her own kids Christmas morning, it's YOUR turn, and about damn time too!

Enjoy your OWN kids, in your own house, make your own traditions.

You absolutely, hands down, without a doubt, did the RIGHT thing. You ought to be feeling very good about yourself right now!

:)

My very first thought - can we say emotional blackmail? I think you made the right decision for your family and you should stop feeling guilty. Besides at some point you have to establish your traditions so when the old guard are passed on you aren't left adrift.

How many years have you been going to the outlaws? Your MIL can't let you have one fricken year? She's the one that is being selfish with her, 'If I can't have Christmas my way, I won't celebrate it at all!"

Don't feel guilty about this! You are entitled to have a Christmas in your own home and make your own tradition.

It's too bad that your MIL will not compromise. I thought your family coming later in the day was a perfect solution. Maybe drop it and see if she comes to her senses.

Your crazy MIL is making you feel exactly how she wants so she can get HER way. Don't change your plans for staying home, it will be her loss that she cannot tweak her plans for meals and celebrations around your arrival. How late were you intending to arrive? If your kids are early risers on Christmas day, why not leave around 10am? That would put you there by 2pm and on the heels of her lunch probably.

She's being unreasonable and punishing you, her husband and your kids for her immaturity and selfishness. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to stay home at all. Don't fall prey to her trap - it's exactly what she wants. And if you do cave, she'll continue this game in the future just to get her way.

UGH! Why must it always be about them? (MIL) I have a crazy one too! Sending you hugs. :) Enjoy your holiday!

You are NOT being selfish! I'm glad you finally spoke up to do what is right for your family. If she is going to try to torture you by mailing the kid's gifts and not having dinner, let it be. Maybe you are first to speak up and the others really want to be home on Christmas morning as well.

I truly think your husband and children will enjoy being in their own home on Christmas morning.

Listen. I was you last year. Every year prior we had Christmas with my MIL. She has 5 kids, so we usually all stayed over christmas Eve, and then the morning we all woke up and did santa together. Then she made a brunch, as well as a big dinner. My son for the moment is the only grandchild ( big pressure for me to have another by her too) , so of course she loves seeing him open santa gifts and stockings. We did this for 6 years of my sons life.

After that year I told my husband that I wanted my son to have a christmas morning in his own house at least before he gets too old . We both made that agreement. We only live an hour away from my MIL so it isn't as far, but still we have to gather all the presents for his family and my sons and bring them all on Christmas eve,etc..

I told my husband to call his MIL to tell her, as I knew if it were me, it would have turned into a sob story/guilt trip. She accepted that eventually we would want to do it at our house. We told her that we will be their christmas afternoon, and that was fine with her. ( not really fine, and she became weepy about it with my SIL's,etc. )

She got over it, and so did everyone else in the long run. You can't please everyone all the time. Sometimes you have to make a decision and stick with it , regardless of the outcome and other's hurt feelings. Christmas represents more then the morning itself. It symbolizes new beginnings, hope, love, and family. We should want for that every day , not just THAT day.

I have to say that for me, it was the best decision. The three of us, had a wonderful morning, and it was very relaxing. Probably the best one yet.

And, this year we are going to my mom's for christmas. I haven't celebrated with her for 10 years. It's her turn.

Added: No you aren't selfish at all. Don't feel guilty about this, I repeat, do not feel guilty about this! Change is good.

Thank you Theresa! Its one day a year and if you want ti wake up in your own dang do house so what! Id call her bluff and if she's going to act that way fine. She said she was mailing their presents, good. Then you make a awesome meal and enjoy your day, at home! Its selfish of her imo. Christmas is all day!! The date don't change after noon! Merry christmas!!

Our family has dealt with this over the last few years and if I am repeating any previous thoughts I apologize.
As family expand, relocate, divorce, marry etc. how holidays are handled will change as well. DON'T let it consume you. Focus on 'your' family, the family residind under your roof, that is first and foremost... everyone else will be just fine.

This woman is CHILDISH. It's just a DAY!

We celebrated a "mini Christmas" LAST MONTH when my 'bonus mom' was here from Arizona to spread her husband's ashes on his birthday. It was awesome and she had NO IDEA I had it planned.

My son is 4.5 and thought it was the BEST THING EVER! I wanted her first Christmas without her husband to NOT SUCK and doing it 'my way' seemed to work. She was caught SO off guard and couldn't believe I even made cut-out Christmas cookies, decorated a tree and had all her favorite Christmas songs.

I would have done this for her in JUNE if I had too. So many people get wrapped up in the food, gifts and what THEY WANT they forget there's other people to consider.

I'd stick to YOUR PLAN. It's your family and if you want to stay home then STAY HOME! With a reaction like that I would be inclined to NOT GO AT ALL. See how she likes THAT!

And Why cant they come to your house for a change if it is that important for them to do Christmas first thing that morning and not some time around dinner? I guess I dont understand their way of thinking. I grew up in a house where Christmas was sometimes a week long event between my mom's family and my dad's family.

You are not going to regret it when you get the chance to have that special night preparing for Santa with your kids in your own home.
I loved Christmas mornings. I would go all out and make foot prints coming out of the fireplace where Santa made his entrance. I put jingle bells all over like he dropped them putting the gifts under the tree. It is time for you to make your own Christmas traditions and HAVE FUN DOING IT!
I am sorry your MIL made you feel bad for taking this time to be with your family. She will get over it. She may be angry for a while but she has to realize you need to make your own traditions. She is not going to around forever. If you lived in the same town, it would be different. Four hours away is difficult. There are many many many families that have more than one Christmas. They take the time to spend with their families at times that are convenient for all involved.
Good luck and GOD BLESS!
D.

The best revenge is to have the most awesome spawesome (in my teen talk) Christmas ever. YOU make the calls from now on about Christmas In 15 years the kids will be coming home to somewhere from college, they will want to come home to you and Dad. MAke it yours. She has had it be hers for a long time, its' time for her to cut the umbilical chord.

I agree with Alexis. Sounds like she is using it to make you feel guilty about not being "there" with the "family" and change your mind. Don't do it. Stick to your guns. She'll get over it. My husband and I got tired of doing all the running up and down the road 3 hrs to his family, even before we had kids. We tried dividing time between spending it with my family and his, and he got tired of no one being willing to come spend a holiday at our house, plus, we understand that people want to be in their own homes with their kids on Christmas morning. That is a special time for kids and their parents. Your MIL should understand that, above all, and stop being selfish and understand that this is your and her son's time with your child.

You made the right decision. She is emotionally blackmailing you and hijacking your joy. Phooey on that! What about you and your kids? They're going to be grown up faster than you realize and she'll have selfishly used up all of those joyous moments of seeing your kids finding presents under their own tree that are meant to be for you and your husband.

Sorry, but she had her season of watching the surprise, joy, and awe of finding what "Santa" left on her own children's faces years ago. She has no right to rob that joy and experience from you and your husband. Depending on how old your children are, you may realistically only have a few more chances to experience this before they "know" where the presents come from.

We went through this ourselves. My inlaws flipped out when I finally had enough by the time our oldest was 3. I really resented having to haul all of our presents to their house...doing Christmas their way...and then having to haul everything back home. It's ridiculous.

You have a right to your own holiday traditions and to experience the moments that God intended only for you and your husband as the actual parents of those children!

Stay home this year guilt free! It's your right and it's what is right. Be forwarned she'll probably dish up alot of emotional turmoil for you and dh this Christmas, and for the next few...at least until the kids about 10 or 11...when they don't view Christmas in the same way anymore. Don't let it bother you. She has to understand that things are changing and it's a new "season."

I guarantee you, your husband's siblings have probably felt the same way you do about having to sacrifice their Christmas morning to appease mom. They may surprise you and follow suit next year. This is probably the real reason MIL is freaking out. She wants Christmas to continue as it always has for *HER*. While it's understandable, it is VERY UNFAIR to her family. No one is telling her they will not be coming at all. She needs to understand that you/they are just asking for the "gift" of being able to share precious moments with their own children before they're all grown up and the magic of Christmas in the eyes of little ones is gone.

Stand firm. Do not be upset. Do not let her hijack your Christmas joy. Enjoy your children on Christmas morning. Get pictures, make up your own special magic. (I sprinkled glitter trails from their bedrooms to the tree and left a hat and spectacles (Santa forgot them) on the table that had Santa's plate of cookies and milk one year. And yeah, one of the cookies had a bite in it. ;) I videotaped the kids following the trail and screaming madly when they saw the presents and ripped them open and showed everything to us. I got video of them laying around in their jammies playing with the toys too.

I could never have done this at my in-laws. There are literally a hundred people at their Christmas event. It would be absolute pandemonium when it was present time and next to impossible to get good pictures. There was no intimacy. Nice memories of the entire family, but nothing special for our family unit. I resented it. For me, I had no guilt (nor did my husband even though he wasn't with his family) when we started skipping out and going to the family party later in the day. We still wound up spending over 8 hours with them! And the kids still liked their presents that Santa dropped off because he forgot to put them under the tree at home.

The year we broke tradition and a couple of subsequent years my FIL tried to convince me he was having a heart attack because we didn't go, cussed me out on the phone when we were "too late" for dinner and there would be no left overs waiting for us for when we arrived, I was even accused of ruining the whole party...even though everyone was having a hoot of a good time when we got there.

They're over it now. No drama and other siblings are now doing the same. Ironically, none of them took the heat we did, because we were the first. But I think everyone is much happier for it.

She is trying to manipulate your emotions and control the situation. Guess what, you are letting her!! You and your husband need to decide what YOU want to do and then stick to it. Your MIL can make her own decisions and then she has to live with that as well.

I used to struggle to try and please everyone in my family during the holiday....parents, inlaws, aunts, cousins, etc. It took a while, but I finally put my foot down to some people and even though they didn't like it.....they got used to it.

There is nothing wrong with wanting your kids to have Christmas morning in their own home. Sometimes our parents/inlaws are so used to the way things have always been, they forget that as adults with our own families, we get to make our own traditions - - which may or may not be the same as theirs.

Good Luck!

I don't know about your kids but mine get up around five in the morning and start prodding us to get up. Why don't you get up, open your gifts and then leave for your in laws.

I think your mother in law is having a temper tantrum. Probably trying to use emotion to control the situation. Still if there is a way to work it out this would be it. My kids are older and I know it is going to be hard for me when they have families and they get up with them. Still it is part of growing up, she needs to accept that she milked it with emotional blackmail longer than most can pull it off. It is time for her to accept that she has grown kids that do not go to mommies to open their gifts.

Ya know, after thinking about it there is a very real possibility that you breaking off will cause the rest to follow. Maybe next year you will have your Christmas dinner.

Sam, knowing you like I do (which, I know is only over the internet, but still,) I am not surprised that you are feeling guilty about this. But honey, let me say that you are 100% NOT being selfish here.

Listen - Christmas is all about feelings. There's a big gamut of them, all the way from "hi, happy holidays" to dining together, opening gifts, and spending the night. Your MIL has chosen to pick THAT end of the spectrum and is basically holding you hostage for that by not accepting anything else. She can't actually say that you can't come into her house to see her, but she can refuse to fix a meal and instead of watching the kids open their presents, mail them to you.

This is her "strike" and she wants to do this to punish you for having your own Christmas.

Sam, go ahead and let her.

Perhaps next year she will ease up and not act this way. Ignore the implications here, have the kids write thank you notes the same day they open the presents, and give her the notes when you all walk in the door.

If you change your mind and let her treat you this way, then you will never get your Christmas morning to yourselves, because she will punish over and over. And once she knows this WORKS with you, I wouldn't be surprised if she did this kind of thing about other stuff.

Sam, she is being incredibly selfish to not be willing to have dinner later in the day and even worse, to refuse to watch children open presents. That part in and of itself is just terrible.

If I were you, I'd go the day after Christmas, stop at a nice restaurant in town before getting to her house, and enjoy your meal. Then no one is hungry. Bring one of the presents she gave the kids with you, and let the kids pick the other ones they want to bring to play with, and let them play with these at Grandma's. Ignore everything else. If the other family members don't come over, you can make the rounds to their house if you want, or don't. (Maybe you'd like to miss your SIL this time around? LOL!)

Please don't feel guilty. Your MIL needs to be put in her place. And next time, put your husband on the phone and let him be the one to tell her that if this is the way she wants to treat her grandkids, fine.

Now I understand where your SIL gets her drama from...

Hugs,
Dawn

Shame on your MIL for acting this way. She's "been there" and knows the drill, and when she had her turn she wanted the same. DO NOT feel guilty sweetheart, it's your turn to be the queen of your castle on Christmas Day. Can you hear the jingle bells on your roof, smell those freshly baked baked cookies for Santa and hear that Christmas music at Sam I Am's
Place, LOL!?

Your MIL is a drama queen. There is nothing wrong with having Christmas morning at YOUR house. Why don't they come to your house? See rather inflexible of her. Next time she starts on the "I will mail the gifts because I'm not having Christmas twice". I would just say "great, kids with be thrilled". We ALWAYS had Christmas at our house. When I got pregnant with baby #1 I told everyone that we were not traveling with kids and if they wanted to see us at Christmas they were more than welcome to come to our home and guess what? They DID!!!

Your MIL is being childish and silly. How petty of her to act this way. Do NOT feel guilty. Start making traditions with your kids they will remember!!! Happy Thanksgiving to you and your family!!

Good for you!!! I agree with the other responders!

Please feel no guilt--the only guilt anyone should feel is your MIL for being unwilling to compromise!!

Look--your MIL is rigid and unyielding. She's acting like a 3 year old.
The LOVING thing for her to have said is "Honey, we will see you when you get here." (later that day or the next day)

Sam--this is not YOUR issue.

The kids don't care a FLIP about WHEN they get Santa's presents from her.
She does.
Personally, I'd tell her to keep the gifts there and you'll see her the next day bearing Subway sandwiches.

You know, my in-laws are a bit like this--everyone is expected to schlepp there on Christmas Day. And my FIL "doesn't like" to leave his house Christmas Eve....unyielding to a growing family with his kids, in laws and grandchildren. You know what I told him? "Nice life--IF you can get it." I didn't "get" that option? Neither did you.

Make your Christmas at your home warm, cozy and awesome. Let the family dust settle where it may. It's the beginning of change. Your MIL needs to see that. Do NOT let her rent space in your head. You are not doing anything wrong! Enough is enough.

Sounds like she's trying to hold your Christmas hostage. Please don't cave into this! You are right in every way. Best of luck and enjoy your special Christmas morning!

Here's what I have to say...your MIL obviously has KIDS! So, she must remember what it was like to drag them all over and want to just be HOME! I'll be honest, we have not gone to family gatherings on Christmas mornings just so our kids could have Christmas at home, play w/ their own toys, watch movies and just have family time! Christmas morning is my favorite time! And as families grow and change, extended families need to exercise flexibility if they want to hang onto those relationships. W/ my family, it is important that we have plenty of time to sit and visit, enjoy food and let the kids all play together, so between me and my 2 sisters, we find a day that none of us are spending time w/ our in-laws, and that's when we all get together w/ our parents...this year, it happens to be New Year's Eve. While the real Christmas is Dec. 25, isn't it the time spent w/ family that is also important? Does the DATE matter that much? I've even heard of parents delaying Santa because Dad had to work on Christmas.

You need to stand your ground and be ok w/ your decision and talk to you MIL and even the rest of the family, if you have to. If it means that much, you will find a way to make it work...otherwise, they celebrate w/out you and realized that that's not what it's supposed to be! Good luck w/ this!

How sad that your MIL is being so selfish!
What is wrong with telling children Santa came to both places, your house and Grandma's house, at that age they don't know the difference if they believe in Santa.
If you are going anyway, maybe a compromise on getting up early and leaving to get there in 4 hours by noon.

I can't imagine thinking Christmas can ONLY be celebrated Christmas MORNING. That is so unrealistic in so many families, especially when marriages, blended families, distance, weather complications and children are involved.

Our family couldn't get together on Christmas Day about 75% of the time because distance issues and work obligations. I have worked more Christmases than I have ever been off in 40 years of nursing, so the Santa part, I just got up earlier. We have celebrated Christmas on Christmas EVE, New Years and in between when the families could get together. My son still had "Santa" wherever he happened to be when I could be there..

She should get over it!! If you want to stay home, stay home.

Have a great time what ever you decide, the kids will love having more than one Christmas. One of my favorite Christmas times was the year my son and I moved into my first house, a foot of snow, couldn't go anywhere, so I unboxed and put away all my kitchen, china, etc. and ate bologna sandwiches. We still had Christmas, by ourselves.

You shall not feel guilty about this. MANY families celebrate in their own homes....MANY if not most. You should not feel wrong for this.

It is quite sad your MIL is now making you feel bad about this...and yes she is. She can't allow your children to open gifts later in the day? Whatever! She can't fix a Christmas dinner instead of lunch? Whatever! She needs to realize people have their OWN families too and she needs to accommodate others.

Enjoy your families Christmas....don't let this bother you. If she mails the gifts then so be it. If she doesn't make a meal for you, pick something up. Just make the best of it like you have in years past. It sounds as though it wasn't perfect before either. So enjoy your family time with the family you created!

As others have said she sounds very controlling. You are not being selfish. She is being a baby about this. I have a controlling father so I get it. He refuses to have the grandchildren open presents anywhere other than his house, although we do Christmas eve at my sister's. Why? I have no idea (they are from him, not Santa). Ok then we don't open those presents until New Years when we are at his house for his birthday bc I am not going to be subject to his nonsense. He is unhappy about it every year, that is his problem. It's not about him.

I was never home for Christmas as a kid. It was at my grandmothers and we went there (2 hr drive) a couple days before and stayed a week. All the rest of the family lived there, that's what we did. It was fun but I envied my friends who were home. There is no way I would travel 4 hours on Christmas. Even later in the day, what a bummer for the kids who want to play with their new stuff. What a hassle for you. I especially wouldn't do it if it was to visit someone who was such a controller that she couldn't understand that her grown children might want to have some say in how they spend the holiday too. It's not about her.

I can understand her not wanting to move her lunch to dinner. If that is what works for her, fine. She has the right to have Christmas the way she wants it in her house, especially if that works for everyone else there. (if it is just her and her husband then she is completely unreasonable). I don't think you should expect to decide they need to change what is working for them to accommodate you. But you need to have the day that works for your kids. It's not selfish. It is impossible to please everyone. What do your kids want to do? Your husband? My feeling on family holidays is that I am going to make the decision that is best for my little family, if that means the parents don't see us, well that is their problem. They can come to us (but we will be wearing jammies) or we can do it another time. I want a relaxing day at my house on Christmas. I established that the first year I had a kid. What about going there the day after Christmas or another weekend or something? Make it an after Christmas lunch. When I was little Santa came to our house and my grandmother's. Your MIL doesn't have to be a drama queen about that aspect of it. That just shows how inflexible she is being.

So I'd say talk with your kids and husband about it and see what is going to work best for you and if your family wants to be home suggest a new tradition for seeing the family.

I would just let it go, stick with your decision. You can always revert next year.

you are not wrong in this situation. It is a sad thing your MIL wants to be so rigid and miss out on her grandbabies look as they open their gifts (no matter how old they are) the reality is, when you all bring gifts for others, more gift opening is going to ensue.
i would just pack up the gifts she mails along with the ones for the other family members, do another opening and "suprise" your family with a special dinner (even if it is a frozen pizza party and cookie baking/decorating). Make a new tradition and insert your family right in the middle of it:)
Just because she is being a pickle doesn't mean it has to exclude you all or dictate the holiday.
Best of luck!

Been there, done that, adjusted.

Here is my story. For 3 years (before kids) hubby and I did the rounds for 3 houses. We lived away from everyone so we came to them. Even tho both sets of family live in the same neighborhood, they don't go to each other's houses. They are friendly with each other, but each likes to have their own Christmas, Turkey Day, etc. So we visit 2 houses. The big thing with the inlaws was everyone staying over Christmas Eve so that everyone was together first thing Christmas morning.
When we found out we were pregnant we moved closer. 10 mins away vs 1 hour. We asked to host Christmas as I was pregnant, etc. Both families came. We actually had 'shifts' because of scheduling. During the afternoon I overheard my BIL say that it just didn't seem like Christmas because we weren't at Dad's house. What? He lives 10min away! Since Dad didn't host, then no one stayed over, everyone's tradition was ruined. I was crushed.

So the next year we went back to having it at the two houses with my family being Christmas Eve and the inlaws being Christmas morning. Heaven forbid we mess with tradition! The next year everyone spent Christmas Eve at the inlaws, except us. We lived 10min away I was sleeping in my own bed.

Then we moved to the neighborhood with the families, across the street. You would think that would make things easier, but not really. We decided that we STILL wanted to sleep in our own beds. My SIL decided that everyone should stay at the inlaws so that we could have a big Christmas just like when she first joined the family. I said I'll see you for breakfast but I'm sleeping in my own bed. My other SIL said the same thing. Which was good,because between gifts and decorations, and 4 kids in one family, there weren't enough beds for everyone.That year when MIL found out a certain grandkid wasn't spending the night she ran crying from the room. BUT.... everyone ended up having the Christmas that THEY wanted. SIL1 got to spend the night and have Christmas morning with the inlaws, her kids got one on one time with them. My kids got Christmas at their house, and SIL2 got Christmas morning her way. We all agree to be at the inlaws around noon before the overnighters head home.

The first year at trying something new is always the hardest. You will always have someone complain. However, if you ALWAYS do the same old same old, how do you know what is your tradition and what is theirs? How do you know that something different won't be less stress or feel happier?

As for what to do now, you're kind of stuck. If you change your mind, then MIL wins and you lose BIG time! Not just now, but in the future, spanning other traditions. The only way to save face is to ask your kids what THEY want to do for Christmas. Do THEY want to stay home Christmas morning? Do THEY like the tradition of spending the night Christmas Eve? I think their opinion one way or the other will be your only way to stick to your guns or save face in changing your mind. You can either tell the MIL that 'Billy really would like to stay home this year just to see what its like'. or 'Billy said that he would miss waking up with you on Christmas morning, so if you wouldn't mind we would like to come Christmas Eve'.

Another approach, which is a hard one to stand by, is if MIL is saying that she is going to ship the presents because she isn't having 2 Christmas', (very unChristianlike behavior!), isn't cooking a big meal, etc. then I would say that there really isn't a point in making the long trip. We'll catch up with you next year!

You have cards and heartstrings to pull at too. Make them work for what you and your kids want.

I have not read through all your answers. I just felt lead to say....
Christmas needs to be about your family ( hubby and kids ) at least once.
I think it is healthy and positive and good for you all to be alone once in a while. I think it can be treasured and a great memory for the scrapbook. People will accept it eventually and people will have respect and then next year, you will be back to your own routine as it was years past. You deserve to have a special intimate time with your family. It is a blessing you have so many to love around you and so many to share the occasion with.........but there is many many Christmas's ahead and so I don't see why you can't be self-fish one time to enjoy YOUR family.

Your mother in law is being selfish, childish, and ridiculous. You have nothing to feel guilty about.
There is no reason she can't wait for your kids to open their presents until you all get to her house.
As for the Christmas dinner, whatever. Eat the leftovers or go out to eat. Take everyone out your treat.
Really, it makes me angry that she is manipulating you this way and that you feel bad about it.
Just focus on enjoying Christmas morning at home and realize that it is up to HER to make the best of this new arrangement.
Good luck!

Don't feel guilty. It is part of making your own traditions and the husband and wife being "one" and leaving their father and mother. It may have been some years ago since you were married (I didn't look to see how many) but this is just one more step in that process. You aren't doing anything wrong. You deserve to have your own Christmas morning at your own house. You should not feel guilty for not wanting to schlep your kids somewhere else on Christmas morning. Geez. For her not to consider that her children would actually grow up and want to spend Christmas morning at their own home is rather naive. So sorry grandma, but that is what happens! You are the GRANDparent now, you had your turn. I bet your husband (and you too) didn't spend every one of your Christmas mornings schlepping off to YOUR grandparents' homes, did you? Is your MIL's mom still living? Why isn't your MIL at HER house on Christmas morning?...
You are not being selfish and are doing NOTHING wrong. Revel in your newfound traditions with YOUR family. :)

I am upset that your MIL is not being more flexible with this. What about your family? When do they celebrate the holidays with you? She sounds very selfish and an attitude of it's all about her. This should be a joyous time for everyone and she has/needs to accept that her son has his own family and will be starting their own traditions.
You are not wrong to want to stay home in the morning and as long as your hubby agrees then stand your ground. I would hope by next year she will come around. She did say she knew this was coming so she will have to accept it.
What about the rest of the family? (on hubby's side) Do they like to travel at the crack of dawn to get there? I wonder if everyone else would like to do dinner instead of lunch.

She's trying to make you feel guilty, and being a control freak. Do what you need to do, that will be best for your immediate little family. She will have to deal with it. Things change when you have little kids, and flexibility & understanding on other family members' parts would go a long way in eliminating the stress of the holidays. The notion that it's not Christmas unless you're celebrating on the 25th is ridiculous. I thought it was about family, not just what one person thinks is how things should be done. If she choose to make it about that, then let her. You will never please everyone all of the time, but you can control what type of holidays you have by rethinking the way you do things.

But it may be best for YOUR family.

It's good - very good - to have traditions in your own house. Go ahead and make them great ones! Think ahead about what your children would enjoy. For instance, if they don't wake up at 3 a.m. on Christmas Day, can you get up ahead of them and turn the tree lights on before they get up? Keep thinking about things to try to make it special. Afterwards, you'll sift through everything that happened, abandon the ideas that didn't work, and make it even better next Christmas.

And you don't know for sure that you'll be left out of everything else. Your MIL vented at you. She will either write y'all out of her will or she will think, "I DON'T want not to see them at all!" and ask you to come over when you can. Your announcement was a shock to her (but she even said she knew it would happen some time), and - like many people, young and old - she didn't handle it well.

It's just impossible to make everybody happy all the time. You and your husband decided to make everybody at your house happy by doing something different. I think the rest of it will blow over - maybe by next year, maybe sooner.

I could tell you a long story about locked-up Christmas traditions at my friend's house, but I won't. It's too long. It's interesting! But yours is not the only family this kind of drama happens to!

Something else: nothing in real life matches a fantasy. But an ideal Christmas Day doesn't exist. That's just for books and movies. However, there can be a whole lot of joy in dumping the fantasies and being thankful for the great little things that actually do happen. Look life in the face, and notice the gold that's in there with all the dirt. Please be happy with what you do have, and don't compare it to what you wish you had; that's a game no one wins.

maybe SHE'LL miss out on so much without your family that she'll change things next year.

When my parents decided they couldn't have holidays at their house (a struggle for all five of my sibs because we live all over the country and they are the central location AND had just build a house big enough to have us all their at once...)it was a very difficult change for me. I was frustrated, even though I understood their anxiety/stress. I didn't have a fit, of course, but some of us just take change harder. I pray this year will be blessed and the intimate time you missed before, and maybe next year she will adapt. Here's hoping!

OMG! She needs to let go a little. We are all born, grow up, get married and have our OWN families. We are allowed to have our own traditions, homes and holidays! Good Lord! I am angry for you. Your MIL needs to step back. Do NOT let her make you feel guilty. She is totally playing games with your emotions. She should realize that her actions are going to be seen by YOUR children.

For the love of all things Christmas... Let the kids have a Christmas morning at home. They are going to love it.

Be strong and have a WONDERFUL Christmas morning at home. Good for you!

It's ok to not exchange presents with everyone first thing that morning. Don't worry. What matters is that you will see them later that day. What matters is just getting some time with your family members and being together. It's ok to miss the Christmas lunch. It's not about food either. You should focus on the nice relaxed nuclear family Christmas morning you are going to have. You can have a nice traditional Christmas Eve dinner the night before and pack turkey or ham sandwiches and yummy foods to eat on the drive (if your drive is at lunch time). You can make some special Christmas desserts to bring and share those with everyone. Your MIL is being selfish...she can't expect you to always be there Christmas morning. We spend some years with my in-laws, some years with my mom, and some years at home (we are too far away to drive). Everyone knows this is what we do and everyone expects that some years we do not come. The years at home are SO nice and relaxing and quite. I love them. Good luck working through your emotions...but you do not need to feel bad at all.

Wow. Somebody has a hard time with change... (MIL)

Christmas is so steeped in tradition for everyone... sometime people have a hard time being open to new developments and ways to celebrate.

You will not regret having this christmas morning at home. Tell MIL that you are trying it for this year, it may not be permanent but it has been too stressful in the past and you want to try it another way this year. She can go on with her usual events as planned and you'll join up with everyone when you can . Maybe later that day, maybe the next. Time for some new traditions! Such as the Day-After-Christmas brunch :)

You do have to accept the the fun over there will go on without you though. No worries, you'll be enjoying the moment with your family.

The first year I was married, we divided up our time Christmas day and I found myself so anxious to get over to my own family's big Christmas day open house, that I did not even enjoy a minute of the nice brunch with my in-laws. It stressed me out and made me feel "Christmas let-down" when it was all over.

Especially now that we have kids, I have learned to just relax and enjoy the holiday spirit of each moment where I am. Let the day unfold as it will. We make a rough plan of when we are going where, and make it clear that no one need be holding up any meals or other festivities for us.

I remember being kind of bummed out the first year my oldest sis decided to wake up at home with her new little family instead of spending the night at our folks. She's 10 years older than me. Fast forward 10 years to when I now had a 1 y/o, and after one year of spending the night at my folks house to wake up and have "Christmas morning/Santa" with a big group (I have three younger sisters and one more older sister with 2 kids who was still doing that), we decided to just do it at home. It is SO much better! We haven't looked back.

At this point, Christmas now stretches into 3 or even 4 days and it's great! I actually really enjoy the day-after... all the men in my family go to the racetrack (my hubby just looooves hanging out with all my crazy uncles who are in town!) and the women sit around my mom's house drinking the leftover wine while the kids get to play with their cousins an extra day, and some of my relatives that had their social calendars filled for Christmas Eve and day are free to come over and relax..

MIL needs to chill. She is obviously working herself up and thats going to inhibit her own enjoyment of the holiday season. Don't let her do that to you too. Own your decision, stick to it, enjoy it, you will have a great holiday!

I think that you have a few decisions to make this year. You can stay home and experience the joy of your kids going downstairs and seeing what Santa brought or you can continue what has now become your family tradition and have Christmas morning with your in-laws. There is something very magical about Santa coming to your own house - but if your kids know and understand that Santa has a note to leave their gifts at Grandma's house - really, what's the difference.

It sounds like you MIL is super upset and disappointed that you won't be there. I'm sure the rest of the family will be upset, too. But if you decide to stay home, they will get over it. But will you? Christmas and family go together - tiffs and all! :)

My little story....

I always have Christmas AM with my daughter and husband and we enjoy a few hours of peace as a trio. Then 2 years ago, my Father in law was ill and he and my MIL were living with us (he died 3 months after Christmas). This was a man who never wanted a gift, would not open stuff you got him - he was very set in his ways and was kind of a loner.

Well, that Christmas, he got up when my daughter did, sat in front of the tree and really enjoyed watching his granddaughter open her gifts. He not only open the gifts we got him but he went upstairs and put his new fleece on. It was great to have them there with us to share what we didn't think would be he last Christmas (the cancer came back a few days after Christmas). I don't think we will ever have another Christmas morning that is so special.

Good luck with your decision.

I realize she's your MIL and you love her and are trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, but WOW, is she this inflexible and emotionally manipulative about everything?

"Christmas is celebrated Christmas morning and only on Christmas morning" Really???? Maybe she should tell this family http://www.kcci.com/news/29729675/detail.html that! Or the gajillions of people who do the bulk of their celebrations on Christmas Eve? Or my mom's family? They always have their big shindig the Sunday after. Or all the military families who will have the BIG celebration when the deployment ends or leave begins?

Do NOT cave on this, or you'll be caving on everything forever, and learning a little flexibilty if she can will be good for her!

Your MIL sounds like she likes to be in control. Christmas mornings were the best time and my most favorite day of the year seeing my kids faces light up when they saw what Santa had brought them. We always had Christmas at home Christmas Morning with our kids then later that day Christmas Dinner with my Mom and sisters. Christmas Eve we had Christmas with my Dad during the day the the evening with my In Laws and my Grandma and Grandpa then my Auntie and Uncle and other Aunts and Uncles and relatives we had busy days around Christmas but I loved every minute of it. Shame on your MIL for wanting to keep you away from the family dinner why would you staying home mess up or change anyone elses plans. Christmas is about family and everyone being together no matter what time is it. You have every right to want your kids to wake up and open presents from Santa and the MIL could keep their gifts there from them and just say they were such good kids that Santa left presents there too. If it is really something you want to do then maybe you should talk with your MIL again and explain I am sure she won't want to miss out seeing the kids open their gifts I bet you can work it out so no one misses out. Good luck and God Bless you and your family this Christmas.

I'm sorry but your MIL is being ridiculous not to give the children their gifts when they arrive that day. Christmas is an entire day and gifts are not the only celebration. She is trying to manipulate you. If she would prefer to forgo the pleasure of seeing the children open their gifts, then that is her choice. When my kids were young and my inlaws would come to our house, they would tell the kids that santa had left gifts at their house and bring the gifts here.
We have always celebrated Christmas at our house. I would never have had any desire for my kids to wake up somewhere other than their own home and find their gifts under somebody else's tree.
I don't think that you are being selfish. Do it your way this year and see if you like it. Most importantly, see if the children like it. If they feel sad that they are missing the big family celebration that they are used to, then you can go back to the old way next year, telling MIL that you just needed a break. BTW, if gifts are exchanged only first thing in the morning, does that mean that you are not welcome to bring gifts for the rest of the family when you arrive?
If you skip the Christmas festivities and have a good time, and she spends that time miserable and stewing in her own juices, then she has not taught you a lesson. She will have to choose having people think she is "right" and being miserable, or giving in and enjoying having her son, DIL and grandkids for part of the day.

Your MIL would never tolerate the plan my husband and I have for the holidays. We live 9 hours away from family so in order to see them on the holiday we NEVER wake up in our beds on Christmas morning. We rotate on a three year schedule - his family, my family, HOME. We insisted that our child's first Christmas was going to be at our house and everyone was welcome but we were NOT travelling. They had a years notice and it was still a little tricky but everyone survived with few scars. But even before our little guy we started celebrating "fake" Christmas. It was truly ridiculus to bring a whole bunch of presents from us to us. So we open our presents before Christmas. With family on Christmas - grandma & grandpa, aunts & uncles presents, oh and 1or 2 gifts from Santa which are never the best presents (those are reserved for mommy and daddy). Then after a few days there we will travel the 5 hours to the other side of the family and open presents with them. So a total of 3 Christmases! Next year it is all our house, no travelling. We'll see how that goes the second time around.

So ask your MIL what Santa has to do with the Christmas gifts from her? Why can't they be opened at a later time? Since she seems set on Christmas lunch then just plan to go the next day. Talk with your sibling-in-laws and tell them your plan. It may be that they have been wanting Christmas dinner for years but were afraid to rock the boat but now that it has.....

I wonder how many of these posters are the same ones who would throw MIL to the wolves if MIL changed Christmas plans because of another sibling's request and the family COULDN'T go - but MIL refused to budge?

You make your choice. She makes hers. It's not really fair for you to expect the rest of the family to change their holiday plans to suit you. If this is how it's been done for years, then the other families probably have their other plans built around what they always do at your MIL's.

If you choose to stay home - which you have every right to, and will probably be good for your family - then you have to accept that you'll be missing out on "Christmas" at your MILs.

However, there's nothing that says you can't still go over later in the day. Just because there won't be presents to open (unless you want to bring her gifts back to her house so she can see her granson open them), and you'll miss the official Christmas meal, doesn't mean you can't still visit.

It's just a choice you have to make and be comfortable with. You have to decide if it's more important for you and your family to spend the "official Christmas gathering" at your MIL's with your husband's family, or for you to have a quiet Christmas with just your husband and son at your home.

It's not about emotional blackmail, it's not about either of you being selfish. Everyone, at some point, has to make choices based on what's best for them and not feel guilty about the natural consequences of those choices.

You said you were surprised that no one changed plans because your family wouldn't be there, and then you say that you didn't expect anyone to change anything. Which is it? I think you need to get a handle on what it is you really want. I completely understand feeling torn - I can be the same way. It's something I fight on a regular basis.

However - decide what will be best for you and your family, and then don't worry about the rest of it. When you choose what is best for you, then the rest of things tend to fall into place and I think you'll be surprised at how well things will turn out because you chose the best for you!

No one is being selfish. She's being honest and looks forward to the way things have always been. It's OKAY for you to want to be home with your children. It's also OKAY for them to keep things the same with one less family in the midst. She will come around and I bet next year she'll want to see some presents opened at that later date when you arrive. She's just frustrated and hurt, even though, she gets it.

Good morning Samiam your kids can have the best of both, run this idea past your mom in law. When I was growing up we went to my grandmothers every Christmas, BUT we had Christmas morning at home then traveled 2 hours to my grandmothers house, where there was a tree and presents under the tree from grandma and grandpa, aunts and uncles, it was like a second Christmas and we loved it, your MIL does not have to mail out anything the kids can open their gifts there. You are not being selfish, each generation has their own traditions, there is nothing wrong with that, When we had our children we had every Christmas morning with our kids, and then went to my moms, when my mom got to old/tired to host Christmas, we started and now eveyone comes to our house they have been for the past 18 years,I locve hosting Christmas, and the gifts we buy for other family members our under our tree and they open them up here there is no reason thraditions can't be combined, we ,loved it, our kids love, they are grown now 28, 24, 22, and we still have Christmas morning together as a family, this year we are adding a new grandbaby who will be 3 months on Christmas morning. This is a time for family, your MIN is also a mom and if she can't understand the need/want to be home Christmas morning with your kids, I'm sorry to say she is the one being selfish. J.

I understand your feelings of wanting to be home for Christmas morning and I don't think you are wrong.

But I don't like how everyone is saying that the MIL is terrible. I don't agree with her that the gifts have to be sent to your house. But for years we tried to work our Christmas schedule around my SIL so we could see my nephew and nieces. It didn't work very well for us and we decided that we would set it up the way that worked for us and if they could make it, that was great. It caused great difficulty for me when we had to work our plans around hers because we had other obligations as well. Most of the time they didn't make it and haven't for years. They sometimes come on December 26 now, if at all. Most of the time I send their gifts from us (not Santa) in advance.

I don't blame your MIL for not changing the times for everyone else because you want to do something different. That is your choice and there is nothing wrong with it. But there is nothing wrong with keeping the traditions for everyone else, either.