31 answers

I Feel like My Husband Is Lying to Me, What Do I Do?

When I first met my husband he smoked (cigarettes) and he quit (thank goodness) when I found out I was pregnant.

My husband would come home smelling like cigarettes everyday but told me that it was because his coworker smoked (he's an electrician and sits in a van with a smoker all day). He would also go outside and come back in the house and smell like smoke. He said he was talking to the neighbors who smoke.
But about 6 months ago I caught him smoking. I was so hurt. Not by the smoking but by the lying.
He says he has not smoked since then but I keep finding cigarette ashes and loose tobacco in his car. Everytime I bring it up he gets angry and says he is not smoking. But I can't help but have a suspision. It also makes me wonder what else he could be lying to me about.

I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Ok, I just want to be clear. I have been very supportive of my husband and I have never pressured him to quit. Yes, I'm relieved that he quit but I have never gave him an ultamatum. He quit on his own. If he would just come to me and say he's having a hard time quitting than I would be very understanding and try to help him with whatever he needs help with. It's the lying I'm having a problem with. And I'm not looking for evidence that he's lying it's just there, like the smell.

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What can I do next?

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I would ask him if he smokes and tell him that if he doesn't lie, you will accept the truth. If he tells you the truth, don't get mad!!! Accept who he is and appreciate that he has been smoking outside.

If you must cry. This is something to be disappointed about, more that mad. In fact disappointment will be more effective in changing his behavior than anger. Make him brush his teeth before he kisses you and change his clothes (and wash them himself) before he holds the baby or kiss you. Don't be angry--just be nice about it.

Good luck.

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Hi E.,
I was a smoker and I just have to share this with you. As a smoker, the person who smokes doesn't have much of a clue how much (BAD) they smell from cig. smoke because they have lost their ability to smell it. The reason they tell you they didn't smoke is because they don't want to hurt you but at the same time, can't stop. I can tell you that it is almost impossible for your husband to quit right now as long as he is working with someone who smokes right in front of him and especially right in the truck with him every day. It likens to being on a diet and everyone in the room gets to eat and you only get water and bread. Every day!!!!! The other gals who explained that he has to quit on his own where right on. There is nothing you can do but tell him how much it smells and how it affects everyone including him and is harmful to your family. I smoked 37 years and tried many times to quit. Had no idea how it reeked until I wasn't smoking any more. It takes a lot of long hard thinking about the fact that it is a dirty habit, brings out the worst in you (by lying), bad for your family, etc. Maybe you could ask him if he could please wash his clothes as they smell badly and you can't stand to have them in the laundry room :o). Mostly, I guess, the way to approach this whole subject is to ask him to try to quit for your family and maybe he can even get his partner at work to quit too. It's a funny thing but, all of a sudden, I suppose after listening to people beg me to quit for years, I just threw my cigarette away and never wanted another. It's been ten years now. Wow! By the way, I never lie but, I did lie several times about quitting smoking. So I guess I can't say I never lie... Give yourself a break and don't beat yourself up over someone elses habit. You will only make yourself miserable. There are many other ways of bringing this up without being an accuser. You know he smokes, don't make him lie about it. I'm so sorry to carry on like this but, I definitely understand both sides of this subject. Don't forget that even if he does quit he could fall back many times. It doesn't mean he doesn't want to. It's a vicious circle for a while. So much to say about the subject. By the way, it doesn't mean he lies about other things. I wish you all the very best.

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Ok. I feel like this will be a post that others may not agree with (given the many "OMG He's LYING! He -MUST- be lying about other stuff! Watch yourself!" posts) but I feel it must be said.

Your husband is still smoking. At least he's not smoking in the house or around you and the baby. You. Are. NOT. Going. To. Make. Him. Quit. If he wants to quit (for himself) then he will. Until then, don't nag. Just outright tell him that you know... and to make sure that he showers afterward. Simple and direct.

As for the lying... Seriously?? I know that it hurts your trust, but he's -trying- to not disappoint you or hurt your feelings. He may be doing a piss-poor job of it, but this particular lie equates (in a man's mind) to saying "No, hunny, those pants don't make your butt look big at all." and -not- "No, hunny, I'm not cheating on you at work." Those are two different thought processes. Trust me on this.

In conclusion, tell him that you know (don't try to trap him into admitting it, just -tell- him) in a calm manner, ask him to shower and brush his teeth after he gets home, and don't go overboard with the whole "OMGWTFBBQ LYING!!!111!!" business.

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Maybe he would not be keeping things from you if you were not acting like his parent. He may well be telling you the truth at the time when he says this is my last cig. Cig. addiction is hard to beat. If he is not ready to quit for himself then he is not ready. If he really is ready to quit he could go to his md and get some medication to ease off nicotine. Pills much better than over the counter patches.He is not smoking in your house or around you. What are some reasons he would be telling you he is not smoking? If he told you he was still smoking what would you say? I feel it probably makes you sad to think he is not telling you the truth. You can only change yourself and your reactions and inturn may see different results.(insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results) Good luck

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Ok, I just need to put in my 2 cents worth. I am a former smoker too. I also spent 6 months 'hiding' smoking from my husband but after I came out and admitted I was smoking again he said that he knew but didn't confront me about it. It is a bad addiction and it took me about 8 tries over the course of 22 years to finally quit. All I can suggest is to be supportive of his efforts and DO NOT NAG. The pressure from others to quit makes it impossible to do so. You just crave the nicotine all the more. He knows it's bad for his health, he knows you don't like it, he knows it's expensive, etc, etc, etc. He is "lying" because he doesn't want to disappoint you. I highly doubt he is lying about anything else. All you can do is be there to support him as your husband and the father of your child. Do not let your relationship die because of this.

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My husband smoked and dipped when I met him - both pretty gross in my mind. We have a pretty open line of communication in our relationship and I told him that he is a grown up, and he can make his own choices but I would prefer if he would abstain around me. He decided he was ok with that. When he decided to quit, I was very supportive. However, he has had several relapses and has struggled with telling me. He knew I was proud of him for quitting and didn't want to disappoint me. So even though he wouldn't admit it, I just told him that I understand how hard it is to change a habit like that. I have never had to deal with the smoking thing, but I do struggle with changing my habits in regards to making healthy eating choices, and smoking must be a whole different level of struggle considering that it is not just a habit, but an addiction. I also straight up told him that it was ok with me if he wanted to start smoking again, as long as he continued to respect my desire to avoid second hand smoke and that our relationship was the most important thing to me and that requires honest communication.

I guess what I am saying is that it is tough to quit smoking, but that is not an excuse to lie to your spouse. I would make it very clear that you value the relationship and honesty and that if smoking was a deal-breaker you would have never started dating him, so while it may not be your favorite habit, you would rather deal with smoking than a spouse that doesn't value your marriage enough to be honest with you. Marriage is for better or worse, and spouses need to be partners through the tought stuff as well as the fun stuff.

If he is not willing to listen to you, and just continues to deny smoking, or if you don't think you can remain calm during this conversation, then write him a letter and leave it for him when you know he has a minute.

If he feels safe being honest with you, he is more likely to do so. Also, knowing that you care more about HIM than his smoking or nonsmoking staus is important.

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You are his wife, not his mother.
If he is lying (and it sounds like he is) it's because he doesn't want to disappoint you, or perhaps he doesn't want to listen to you lecture him.
He knows he "should" quit, but like one other mom said, nicotine is very addictive.

Is there REALLY a doubt in your mind that he is smoking? And isn't he a grown man? When a smoker quits they need to be the ones to make that choice. No amount of investigating on your part will help this.
I know it's hard, because it's the principle of the issue of lying.
But I don't think you could logically get suspicious and label him as a sneaky bad man. Try to take a huge step back and not judge him.
I would just drop the questioning.
You can still wrinkle your nose when you smell it. You can still turn your head if he's been smoking and then tries to kiss you. You don't have to support it. But just try to be more passive about it. Your accusations and his denials will only put more space between you and your husband. He needs to know you love him and accept him - in spite of his faults.
Wouldn't you want the same from him?
Good luck.

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E.,

I would have to say that I am in the same boat, more or less, with you. About 5 years ago, my husband and I and some friends made a pact that we would all quit smoking together. Well, I was the only one who actually quit. Several months later I was noticing the same things as you, the smelling of smoke, his breath, weird trips "out to the garage" and things like that. I knew he was still smoking but wasn't quite sure how to handle it. I would say first and foremost that quitting smoking was the most difficult thing I've ever done and I really don't think anything life deals me will compare. I actually was afraid of confronting my husband for fear that if I brought it out in the open then he would think, "well, she knows, now I'll just smoke all the time". At least the way things were meant he was smoking very rarely while home and who knows how much at work. I have dropped little sarcastic hints here and there over the years that I'm not stupid, but beyond that I leave him alone. Like everyone else has said, if you harp on him or nag him or treat him like a child, he will most likely never quit. I know my husband is disappointed in himself and really wishes he had the willpower to quit, he just hasn't found it yet. Your husband probably feels the same way. I really, highly doubt he is lying to you about other things and frankly, I have never thought that about my own husband. Again, like someone else said, he doesn't see this as a lie. My suggestion to you would be to try leaving him alone for awhile. Stop searching for ways to "catch him" and maybe he'll come around on his own.

Good luck to you!

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Nicotine is a very compelling addiction, and addictions are hard to break. The user has to completely want to drop the habit, and even at that, most smokers have to try several times before they (might) finally succeed.

Your husband may well be lying to you in this one particular area because you are so insistent that he break this habit, and he wants to tell you what you want to hear. He probably wishes it were so, also.

If you can scale back the pressure, judgment, nagging, worrying out loud, whatever form your conversations take around the subject of smoking, you'll actually be removing one of his reasons to smoke. No, he probably doesn't smoke to make you upset, but to deal with pressure and feel better. Pressure from others, pressure from work, from bills, from worry, etc, all make it much more difficult to resist any addiction that might bring relief, however temporarily.

What if you were to just let him know you recognize how difficult it must be to have a habit that's so hard to break? You'll give him a chance to decide for himself whether he wants to quit.

Let him know that you'll gladly support him in any way that he asks, but that the choice is ultimately his. He already knows it's important to you, but it has to be as important to him for his own reasons. That's really the only way he's likely to succeed. In the meantime, be grateful that he does his smoking outside. You could ask him to change clothes when he comes home reeking, because even those deposits can have health consequences for your daughter and you.

Good luck. This is a hard one.

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I agree with what Peg & Luka have said. Nicotine is very addictive and the person smoking needs to be the one to want to quit. He may not be ready to handle following through the process. I smoked for 10 years, starting in high school and I finally quit because I really wanted to.
Sitting in a car with smokers all day would make it near impossible to quit. It is his job to quit not yours and he has to have the inner strength to beat all that is thrown in his way. He knows you want him to quit and doesn't know how to deal with disappointing you.

As far as him lying to you, that would upset me too as a trust issue, but I think I'd be frank with him and tell him to please be truthful with you, that you know he smokes and of course hopes he quits but that lying about it hurts you and trusting him completely. That you will support him when he is ready to take that step but stop pretending with you or it will lead to bigger issues.

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hello E.:

I am sending this to you as a former smoker who has quit and then started again, while sneaking around loved ones. Smokers do not see this as a big lie. It is very difficult and almost never works to stop smoking because of someone else(even your child or spouse). NO addiction resolves itself for another person. I smoked for 30 years and finally quit last year all of a sudden, no reasons. My advise to you is let it go. I would approach him and tell him you dont care anymore if he smokes or not, as it is his struggle and up to him to want to quit. Of course, you do care for health reason and you can make that clear, although he knows all the reasons. The only way he will quit is for himself and on his own terms. I would convey to him that you do not want the smoke around you or the kids and that can include keeping it out of the car and house, including when the kids are with him. I wish you and your husband all the luck in the world on this one.

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It could be that your husband is disappointed in himself for not being able to quit. And perhaps he feels like he would disappoint you if he admitted this weakness that he doesn't even seem to want to admit to himself.

Since smoking is one of the most difficult addictions to break, it would not surprise me that he hasn't fully quit. However, maybe he has "quit" in the sense he doesn't smoke as often and therefore doesn't really think it is a habit. However, because of the above paragraph, I wouldn't automatically assume his lies extend further than this.

If I were in your shoes, I would approach him lovingly when it is a good time for both of you to talk. Tell him what a great husband and father he is... and tell him that you appreciate the fact that he's made the effort to quit and how difficult it would be. You can tell him it hurt you to know he lied in the past about not smoking, but reassure him that if he is still smoking or having difficulty quitting you love him no matter what, and that you would rather he be honest with you so you can support him in the struggle rather than be lied to. And then explain about how being dishonest in one area makes you feel he is capable of being dishonest in other areas, as well. Just be loving!

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Hi Erica,

Sorry this happened... doesn't sound like fun :(

My only suggestion is that you is to come at it from a helpful angle. Let him know you are concerned about his health and that you'd like to get him some help to stop smoking. Make sure he knows you are supportive of his good choices and understand that people make mistakes, just that it's not acceptable to keep making them.

Also, in regards to what else he could be lying about, I wouldn't worry about it unless it seems like there's something he is. Without knowing a thing about him and your guys' relationship, he is most likely embarrassed about his bad habit and isn't willing to come forth with it. He's probably not a habitual liar, and if you try to figure out what else he could lying about, you will just drive yourself crazy with paranoia.

Good luck!
-C.

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You say your not pressuring your husband to quit, but asking him why he smells like smoke or why there are ashes in his car IS pressuring! In my opinion. He knows you will be so sad to know he didn't quit so he lies to make you feel better. He will probably never quit. You married him that way. don't expect him to change even if he says he will. Trust me I have had the SAME problem you do. ( except I would cry and tell him he didn't love me if he didn't stop) Until someone gave me that advice. Hey at least he does it outside and not often :)

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He has to quit because he wants to, not because you want him to. I would just make it very clear that he can not smoke around the baby or be around the baby until he showers and gets the smoke off him. It's obvious he's still smoking. Your child's health has to come first. I would put my foot down on this one.

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This may sound like a very hard line and mean comment so disregard if it is upsetting. You did know he smoked before you got married. Perhaps he is lying to you but maybe that is the best he can do because he doesn't want to disappoint you and he doesn't want to quit smoking. He may be doing the best he can by not smoking around you or your daughter. It takes two people to create a struggle in your relationship. One thing you could do is look at how you helped to create the possible lying and change your behavior.

I say this as a woman who can't stand smoking and wouldn't want it in my house or around my child so totally get the smoking issue. I am also a couples' counselor so totally know that it takes two to create a struggle and all relationships go through something like this. I know if you don't figure out the smoking issue and how to work through that, the relationship will continue to grow apart. Might be time to read "Getting the Love You Want" or getting some professional help. Good luck.

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In reality, the reason why it feels so terrible to you that he is lying about this is a. it is betraying your trust and b. he is insulting your intelligence.
I would simply confront him and tell him that his lies are a total deal breaker for you.
He may not be lying to you about other things, but that fact that he feels like he must lie to you about this, tells me something is not right in your relationship and you might be better off addressing it now, rather than waiting until it is something significant that he will lie to you about.
If you can't even breach the subject with him, something is seriously wrong with the communication between you two and you might consider getting some professional help. I mean if you can't be honest to each other about smoking and at least talk about it, how are you going to communicate about other issues that may come up over the next (hopefully) decades, that you will be raising your daughter together...

And one more thing: I used to smoke and I quit many years ago. To me it came easy. My mother on the other hand has been smoking for decades (probably 40 years...). But when she came to visit us for three months after my daughter was born, I made it clear that she would not be allowed to smoke around our daughter, as my husband has asthma and so our baby is predisposed to it. It was not easy for her, but for the entire three months she did not touch a single cigarette! She did use nicotine lozenges to curb her cravings. There are so many new nicotine substitutes and drugs out there that may help, if he indeed wants to stop. If my mother can do it, anybody can. Seriously!

It is also important to know that smoke residue stays in your hair and clothes, if you bring it into the house that way, it will still have negative effects on the health of your child! If your husband can't quit by himself, he can consult his doctor and discuss options that may help him.

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Okay. The Lying upsets you more than the smoking. You keeping approaching it the same way and are surprised when you keep getting the same results.

My advice is to change your appoach and tackle one issue at a time.

"Honey, I can't help but notice that you are smelling like smoke again."

Rolling of eyes and getting angry, "I told you that I didn't smoke!"

"Yes honey, I understand that. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to sit in front of someone that smokes in close quarters every day. If you were to cave, I can understand why. If you were to tell me that you didn't do it either, I would understand that you are afraid to dissapoint me or start an argument. But the truth is, I love you and want to make sure we are fully supportive of each other. If that means you break down and tell me the truth then that means that I will love you anyway. It doesn't mean that I don't want you to quit smoking, but I'd rather we have an open and honest relationship than you feeling the need to sneak around. The bottom line is that I don't want you to smoke and you are having a hard time quiting. I appreciate you not doing it in front of me. I'm sure you don't smell the stench that is on your clothes and skin when you get home, but your daughter and I can smell it and would appreciate it if you threw your clothes in the wash and take a quick shower before joining us for dinner."

My mom used to sneak around and smoke because she didn't want to get in an argument with my Dad. She finally quit because she was tired of the hassle.

Good luck!

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As a former smoker my advice is to not bug him about it, you will make him smoke more. My husband and I quit the same day when we finally quit and it wasn't the first time we tried either. Nicotine is more addictive than heroine. You need to give up something you like for the rest of your life to see what he is facing. Do you eat chocolate? Drink any alcohol? Drink coffee or pop or tea? Think of something not the healthiest for you and give that up forever, not one sip, bite, taste, ever again for the rest of your life and no sneaking it either. Hard to fathom if you don't have your mind made up. I had one doctor say that if people were educated they wouldn't smoke, ever notice how many health professionals smoke? Tons of them, education is not the key, not starting would be good but if you have only the person smoking can make the decision to quit. What did it for me was that I didn't like the taste anymore after 20 years, my husband got an upper respitory infection and with asthma it made it hard to breathe so he quit after 25 years. We both still have cravings once in a while and probably will forever but they pass. I dated a guy once who liked beer but not cigarettes and wanted me to quit, I don't like beer so I said I will quit if he quits drinking beer and he shut up because he didn't want to do that. Anway, quit nagging him, he is the only one who can make himself quit. Threatening him with not getting to see his daughter like others have suggested might make him want to leave and seek out custody or visitation so he can see his daughter without you around. He was a smoker before you met and he quit for your pregnancy, you are not pregnant anymore so he is most likely smoking again. It is hard to quit and some people never do. Expecting him to stay changed forever is unrealistic, you have to decide if you can live with it, Did you stay with him initially because he quit? What if he never did would you have left? Things to think about. It is a tough one, good luck.

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There are many choices.
Give up and tell him you don't care what he does.
TAlk to him about going to the dr and get a patch.
Threaten him because you know he is lying.
Lie to him so that he knows you are lying and then ask him how it feels.
Refuse him to touch the baby till he takes a shower because he stinks.
I am not sure. I have always heard that once a liar always a liar. If he can't be trusted with something as simple as a cigarett, what else will he lie about.
Good luck.

for one its bad for children to be around smoking, even if it is outside and then they come in side, no matter what anyone says to you. tell him that you are serious and you're worried for his health and your childrens health. and that you wont get angry if he is lying to you, and that you will be there for him then entire time to help him quit smoking, like special "surprises" for everytime he wants a cigarette lol, if u know what i mean, maybe that will work?

I have had the same problem, only not just with cigarettes but with pot. It's really the lying and sneaking that gets me. All I can say is TRUST your instincts about it--if you think he's smoking he probably is. This has happened to me about 3 or 4 times where I've found out, he swears he won't lie to me about it again, and then Boom, it happens again...makes me feel like quite a stupid woman. Now I can never believe him again. I'm now at the point where I don't know what to do. If we didn't have a child, I would have left him long ago. I know he will keep doing this, as there's no evidence that he won't. So my choice is am I willing to stay with a husband who is a liar for the sake of my child or do I get a divorce? Sad situation...

You kiss this man and cannot detect nicotine? He's a liar and an addict. Addicts lie to cover up and not get in trouble.
You want a man who does not smoke or lie. So you will need a new man. This one will go on as before until you have to use the #3 iron on him. Really before he makes you violent get out.
I quit a three pack a day habit cold turkey more than 35 years ago so I am not at all sympathic to his lies and manipulations. I never lied about smoking. I quit because it was best for me and my children.
Above all you are not to blame or guilty because he lies. He is a born liar.
Addicts who pretend they are not addicts are the cause of the trouble in their marriages. If you really love him maybe you can stay in the marriage if you fall out of love due to all the betrayals LEAVE. He will betray you over and over again and it won't be just about smoking. It'll be about money he's spent and many other things.
He broke your trust essentially.
You cannot trust him.
I won't pull rank here but I've been working and teaching alternative health world wide since about the time I quit smoking. I have seen it all. You are not the guilty party here.

Just heard about a smokeless cig. Apparently you can purchase them at any smokeshop, like in the mall. They are around $100 but are supposed to deliver the nicotine without the harmful toxins?? Might be worth looking into to help with the actual quitting?

E.~

I completely understand what you're going through - my husband struggles with a chewing tobacco addiction (yuck!), and we go around and around the same tree that you seem to! The lying is the worst. And I've shared with my husband the same fear that if he's lying (so easily) about this, then it's hard to not be afraid he's lying about other things. Luckily my husband realizes it's a nasty habit, and doesn't get too defensive - but it doesn't always change the behavior.

Ultimately I've found that I just have to stay on him...even though we both don't like it. We have a three year old son, and not only is his habit disgusting, but also potentially harmful to his health. I just keep pointing out that we need him around. As far as confronting your husband goes...I'm sure you've tried everything, but I've found that it's all about your tone and delivery. And, as hard as it is, try not to make it about anything else other than the smoking. Bringing up your fears about other things (especially if he really ISN'T doing anything else) will only put him on the defensive. I've told my husband that I'll try not to be angry when he is struggling, as long as he doesn't try to hide it - which is REALLY hard to do, but he only hides it because he thinks I'll be mad. The other thing I've done is ask him calmly how I can help...and what kind of role he wants me to play in his struggle to quit. Obviously it makes it hard if he insists that he's not doing anything. But I wouldn't be afraid to share your 'evidence' with him, and explain how it's hard to ignore all the separate signs.

I've also heard of people posting gross pictures and articles about smoking hazards all over the place; in his car, on the bathroom mirror, in a coat pocket. Sometimes the reality of the situation is easy for addicts to ignore, and perhaps putting it in black and white will make it clear. This may make him mad...but maybe not as mad as constant confrontation?

In the end you may have to accept that this will be a long battle that you don't have much control over. You have to decide if you're willing to accept him whether he quits or not. And you may want to have a conversation with him (calmly) about how much pressure he is willing to put up with from YOU.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this - that anyone does! It is beyond frustrating, I know. It's amazing how much you can love a man and hate what he does. Marriage is hard enough without this kind of stress added to it - but hopefully you guys can work through it in a way that makes everyone happy! And...you can always play the daughter card and ask him how he'd feel about her smoking! You could even ask him how he'd get through to HER if she was (considering he thinks it would be bad for her), and then use the same tactic against him! : )

Good luck!

M.

Tell him what you just told us, that it isn't the smoking that is bothering you, but the lying about it. Let him know you understand and make a compromise with him about smoking. He can smoke outside and never around your daughter. Or ask how you can help him when he does decide to quit and be understanding when/if there is another relapse.

D.

I would ask him if he smokes and tell him that if he doesn't lie, you will accept the truth. If he tells you the truth, don't get mad!!! Accept who he is and appreciate that he has been smoking outside.

If you must cry. This is something to be disappointed about, more that mad. In fact disappointment will be more effective in changing his behavior than anger. Make him brush his teeth before he kisses you and change his clothes (and wash them himself) before he holds the baby or kiss you. Don't be angry--just be nice about it.

Good luck.

E., I urge you to find a way to make your husband realize what he's doing to your relationship by lying about his smoking. Unlike some of the other responders who say that his lying about smoking isn't really that big of a deal because he's just lying to avoid disappointing you, I say that lying to your spouse when asked a direct question is a dangerous path to travel.

I had a husband who lied to me off and on about his smoking habits. My initial reaction when he confessed (the first time) that he'd been smoking for more than a year was to wonder what else he could lie to me about. I was very newly pregnant at the time; had it not been for that pregnancy, I would have ended the marriage over that amount of deception. Instead, I insisted that his lying to me would always be so much worse than whatever he did and asked if we should seek therapy to deal with this dishonesty. My trust had been a little broken now. He continued lying about the smoking until after our twins were a year old. By the time he confessed again, he was so far beyond lying about smoking that our marriage wouldn't survive. He had been cheating on me for at least nine months with at least one other woman.

I'm not trying to imply that your husband or anyone else's who lies about his smoking habit is going to end up being an adulterer. I'm just trying to remind those who don't see these lies as a big deal that it is always a big deal to lie to your spouse. If someone will lie about something not so very significant, why wouldn't they lie about something else, whether it be more or less significant? Isn't lying to your spouse always about protecting their feelings or avoiding disappointment or hurt or anger? What the lying is about is irrelevant. A break down in trust in a marriage is very hard to repair. If you can't trust your life partner, then your life together will be more difficult, often overwhelmed with suspicion or paranoia.

My thought is if he is lying to you about his smoking, what else could he be lying to you about? My best advice would be to document on what you find. So when you present the evidence to him, he doesn't think you are just trying to start a fight. Talking to him would be the first step. Then if that doesn't work, and you feel like you are being attacked in anyway. I would then get some friends/family together, and do an intervention. I'm sorry if this is offensive, again it is only my opinion. Hope you find the truth!

I understand your frustration and hurt and actually found this post because I too am experiancing your emotions.
IMy husband and I quit smoking together a year and a half ago. This was something HE really wanted to do and tried doing before I quit on a previous occasion.
I finally agreed to try and have succeeded and have been smoke free since with NO relapes. He on the other hand, at some point began smoking again, but hiding it from me.I do NOT want to confront him about it because he is at least TRYING to hide the smell, and if he knows that I know he may not try as hard. Problem is, I can still smell it on him and it is literally gagging me, I dont want to touch him or kiss him because the smell is completely offensive to me now.Unreasonably so.
But that really isnt the worst of it. The worst is the 'vibe' of being sneaky and hiding it and in essence 'lying' about it. Now I am also suspecting he is hiding MORE than just smoking and it's all because of that 'sneaky' feeling he is giving off. And it is driving me nuts! I keep hoping he will try to quit again before I have to actually confront him. And I truly understand that stopping isnt easy. And I have no intention of making him feel anything negetive from me because he hasnt quit yet but the 'vibe' of 'doing something he isnt supposed to' is hanging between us.

Not to say you are wrong because it sounds like he is lying to you and smoking agian (been there) but I learned that if I look hard enough I can always find some "evidence" that my husband was doing something he shouldn't be doing and the more I thought I found the harder I looked until I drove myself crazy.
Just ask try not to my aggravating about it but let him know you don't appreciate being lied to. If he is smoking agian ofcourse he knows you wish he wouldn't but tell him you appreciate that he isn't smoking in the house or around the kids whatever. Not that it is OK for him to smoke, you disapprove of that but he is a grown man and will do what he wants to, but you WILL NOT put up with bing lied to. Because Tammie is right if he lies about this what else is he lying about. Also if it is an issue, bring up how much money smoking costs and what great thing you could do with the money saved if he really did quit. My mom saved what she would have smoked for the first year of quitting and was able to take a great vacation (she hadn't been on vacation since I was a child). Good luck, hope this helps :)

I was in the same boat as you. I hated the LYING part also. I finally just told him that I know he's smoking again so he can stop with the sneaking around and the LYING! Of course, I first had to accept that he may NEVER quit as he tried before and keeps coming back to smoking. I decided I rather face up to him not quitting then constantly get pissed off because I know he's lying!

With that said....it doesn't mean I won't keep nagging him to stop! :)

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