32 answers

I Feel like I'm Just "There".

My husband and I have been married almost 3 years. We have no children together, I have an 11 y/o daughter from a previous relationship. I feel as if we are no longer a couple, and simply co-habitate. We don't have a sexual relationship. It just doesn't happen. I've recently gone from working second shift to first. And I had hoped that would help us with our issues, but he seems to be gone more now than he ever was. I love my husband, don't get me wrong. But I'm tired of feeling so alone. I just don't know what to do.

What can I do next?

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I have sat down with my husband several times and openly told him how I am feeling and how it's hurting me. Yes, I have often wondered about his faithfulness, it's my nature. But a huge part of me doesn't want to even consider him going outside of our marrige, but I realize it's possible. We don't really have a lot of common interests. I spend a lot of time with my friends when he isn't around and I just feel like we are leading two very seperate lives. We share a home, a bed, and not much more. It's heart breaking. I waited for a long time to get married, I wanted to be sure. However, these days I really am not certain anymore.

Featured Answers

I can relate to you. Me and my boyfriend of 9 years went through the same thing. The only thing I can tell you is to try to talk to him and find out what is going on in his mind. Try to find out if this is really where the two of you want to be. There is no use in being together if both of you are unhappy.

Have you tried sitting down and really talking to him? I mean talking seriously either face to face or in written form? Have you tried straight up seducing him?

For me, I tend to have to remind myself that my husband can't read my mind. (the slouch!) I have to put it in black and white - almost on paper - to let him know what I need. It's not that he's not thoughtful or giving, it's that he's a guy and I need to tell him what I'm feeling. I recall one birthday when all I wanted was a day full of compliments. It was an awesome birthday!

But I totally agree with Kiera. You can catch more flies with honey. Sometimes it's not as hard as we make it out to be. I don't mean to belittle what you're feeling. Not at all. But I can't count high enough the number of times I've made a situation out to be more dire than it actually was.

Talk to him. Tell him how alone you feel.

Good luck to you

More Answers

I strongly encourage you to seek marriage counseling... Most couples wait too long to seek help. "Married singles" is a very common experience but doesn't have to be. Before it is too late make the connection in your marriage a priority. You aren't doing your husband a favor by ignoring the problem. You might even be surprised to find he misses the connection too.

Also check out the books by John Gottman which have excercises to reconnect... Good luck!

Sounds like you need to rekindle. Have you had any type of communication with him about what is going on - or what isn't going on?

It's not normal for a couple not to have sex. You should encourage your husband to get a checkup, maybe there is something physical going on. Otherwise, a counselor can be a great help.

I too have been where you are. You need to talk with him in a non-confronting way (men get defensive way to easy) and tell him how you feel. Ask him how he feels about the situation and let him know that you need and want more. You just want him to be there for you and with you. Also make dates.....arrange a sitter and choose the location yourself. This way you can spend more time together. If you do not address this now you will continue this way and be very lonely and bitter. Trust me I have a friend who is exactly there. Her man always seemed to find "things to do" all of the time when he was not working leaving her at home alone with the kids. She never address it with him and now is resentful, bitter, and very lonely. I talked to mine and made dates. It worked. Sometimes it happens again but that is when I tell him that I miss him and want to go out on another date. Good luck...

Have you tried sitting down and really talking to him? I mean talking seriously either face to face or in written form? Have you tried straight up seducing him?

For me, I tend to have to remind myself that my husband can't read my mind. (the slouch!) I have to put it in black and white - almost on paper - to let him know what I need. It's not that he's not thoughtful or giving, it's that he's a guy and I need to tell him what I'm feeling. I recall one birthday when all I wanted was a day full of compliments. It was an awesome birthday!

But I totally agree with Kiera. You can catch more flies with honey. Sometimes it's not as hard as we make it out to be. I don't mean to belittle what you're feeling. Not at all. But I can't count high enough the number of times I've made a situation out to be more dire than it actually was.

Talk to him. Tell him how alone you feel.

Good luck to you

I think this happens more than you know. Also remember that most men are happy if they have food, shelter and sex. Maybe he doesn't think theres anything wrong. I'm sorry and I feel for you. Have you tried talking to him about it? Have you tried to do something to spice it up in the bedroom. I have a couple of ideas. 1.) Start out by leaving him little notes where he will find them throughout the day with one leading to the next one. At the end he would find you maybe in a hotel room with candles and wine, strawberries and chocolate. Of course this would all be planned out ahead of time. 2.)Make whats called a "love map". Ask him to participate and each of you make your own list telling the other one exactly what you would like them to do to you in detail. Then give them to each other and surprise him with his love map one night and hopefuly he will do the same.
Good luck and don't give up.

I can relate to you. Me and my boyfriend of 9 years went through the same thing. The only thing I can tell you is to try to talk to him and find out what is going on in his mind. Try to find out if this is really where the two of you want to be. There is no use in being together if both of you are unhappy.

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