I Feel like I'm Constantly Repeating Myself

Updated on April 09, 2014
J.R. asks from Kissimmee, FL
10 answers

My 5 daughter has ASD, and I feel like I'm constantly repeating myself. I feel like she does not listen to me at all. I can ask her to put something down and I have to ask her like 5 times before I have to get up and take it away and tell her I told you to do something. I know I should not ask more then twice, but I'm trying to teach her to listen. We are having a hard time. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this type of issue with a child with ASD. Her doctor told me to pick my battles but my daughter needs to listen. We have rules for a reason.

I just feel like it's worse then normal. My friends kids they ask twice maybe three times but my daughter it's like she is ignoring me. I know she is not because she will try to sneak what she is doing.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

I'm going to try getting her attention more, I normally just speak to her thinking that she is listening. I know this is partially my fault but I'm still learning. I'm only 24 years old and she is my first child; and I'm still learning what ASD really is. Ailina was just diagnosed with ASD on March 27th, 2014. A lot of you had great suggestions. I did try some of these things today such as when she was trying to tell me something I dropped everything I was doing (even though I was working), looked at her, and listen to what she was trying to tell me and I can just see that look in her eye that she loved that. Normally I would continue to work and say things like "yes, Ailina" "that is great Ailina" "good job Ailina" but now that I seen that look today, she got the impression that I was not listening to her- and I feel horrible that she felt that way. I thought because I was responding to her she thought I was listening. I will be sure to come back and edit and keep everyone updated. Thank you so much for all the great advice.

More Answers

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G.B.

answers from Oklahoma City on

You do realize she may never do this and it's going to continually frustrate you?

Some kids with disorders are just who they are, they live, they learn, they grow old, they die from old age, still the same person they were when they were a preschooler.

I had to teach this concept to many of my staff when I was a supervisor in an Intermediate Care Facility, ICF-MR, they would get so mad and frustrated at the people who lived there because they wouldn't "learn" the subject in a timely manner.

I tried to explain to them that the particular person they were working with might never do that task independently. Then, of course, they'd ask why they were wasting their time teaching the person to write letters, numbers, words, etc....

I told them, these people were born this way, they live, they grow, they grow old, they die, still the same cognitive issues they were born with.

It's our job to help them achieve the best and fullest life possible. Not to try and make them conform to our own standards that fit a normal person on a good day.

But that we should help them find joy in learning those things that might help them to some day, some day, write a check at Walmart, add up their checks each month to balance a checkbook, to take a boneless skinless chicken breast and make a chicken helper meal, to do something other than sit and vegetate.

I've worked in many settings, homes, institutions, trainer, group homes, work shops, job coach, and more. I know repetitive actions eventually make it in. They learn by rote. They hear it every day, they do it the same way every day, it eventually makes it in.

But even then it can be a huge issue. What if the job buys a new grill? Or the bank changes the colors of the checks, or the group home gets a new resident that this person does not get along with, or something more severe like mom and dad die.

These kids do need to have every advantage and learn to be as independent as possible.

So you're not doing something that will be useless, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying this:

If YOU change the way YOU think about your actions then you'll have more patience, YOU'll have the bigger picture, YOU will understand that repeating yourself 50 times per hour is eventually going to take hold and she'll only do it that one way the rest of her life.

You will have to change how you think about this. If YOU want her to do something you may have to use physical prompts such as this:

"Honey, we ate breakfast. What do we do next? (Put your hand on her hand), Honey, we ate breakfast, what do we do next? (Lift her up with your hand). Honey, we ate breakfast, what do we do now?"

By this time you should be walking to the bathroom. Recognizing she did something and there is a next thing is a huge step!

Understanding and remembering she is supposed to do something is awesome.

So one day she just ate breakfast and she goes and stands in the bathroom waiting. She's waiting for help to tell her what to do next. Every day of her life you have to do the same thing.

""Honey, we ate breakfast. What do we do next? (Put your hand on her hand), Honey, we ate breakfast, what do we do next? (Lift her up with your hand). Honey, we ate breakfast, what do we do now? We go brush our teeth."

Then when you take her by the hand and lead her to the bathroom she eventually remembers it's time to brush her teeth. So she comes into the bathroom. Waits.

You have to do the next 100+ steps to brushing teeth every day too.

We get our stuff to brush our teeth. No, not toilet paper, not sanitary stuff, no, honey we brush our teeth. What do we use to brush our teeth.

Yes, we get our toothbrush and toothpaste, something to put water in our mouth to swish out the excess paste. A towel to dry the face and hands on, to put the items back where they go AFTER they are rinsed very well so later we're not using a toothbrush that has morning toothpaste left on it.

I worked with one young man who has severe mental retardation. He was in his 50's when he could finally brush his teeth after breakfast. I can also tell you that he didn't let anything stop him from doing it. The bus leaving to get people to work didn't stop him, the tornado sirens going off didn't stop him, they had to take his toothbrush and toothpaste to the shelter with him....

So being repetitive is extremely needed by kids who don't process the world like we do. This is your life for the foreseeable future. She has a cognitive illness, she may never process information any differently. Have faith. It's not bad, just harder on us who remember after the first time or two.

7 moms found this helpful
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P.K.

answers from New York on

If you have kids you repeat yourself over and over again. Perfectly normal.

4 moms found this helpful

L.A.

answers from Austin on

Make sure she is paying attention by not just saying her name but by touching her.
Like her shoulder.

Then say "Susan, look at my eyes and listen with your ears". Then give her the direction or request.

Then Ask her, :"Susan, repeat to me what I just said."

This way you know for sure she heard you and she understood you.

Other hints, do not yell across the house or from the front door to the back of the yard. You need to walk to each other to speak with each other. Eventually it is just normal behaviors.

And mom when she calls to you or talks to you, look at her and listen. Then clarify what she said. This will reinforce what you expect from her.

Eventually, they do get better about paying attention, you just have to teach them this skill.

4 moms found this helpful

J.S.

answers from Richland on

When my son was younger I had a hard time with what is a discipline issue what was his autism. Drove me a bit nuts because after raising very well behaved kids with ADHD I knew structure was key. So where to pick my battles?

He is 14 now and just a great kid!

Apparently if you miss a battle it doesn't ruin them. Trust me, listening shouldn't be your hill to die on. I assure you that is very much part of the disorder.

4 moms found this helpful

B.C.

answers from Norfolk on

If repeating 5 times annoys you, then stop doing that.
Set a limit you can live with (twice or 3 times) and cut the cycle short.
How old is your child?
Some of this might be age related - we all go through periods where it seems like we're repeating ourselves a whole lot more than we think we should have to.

When she's concentrating on something she's not going to hear you (no one does) so first step is to get her attention.

Have her look you in the face before you start giving instructions.

Keep the instruction short and easy - 'clean your room' is too broad - 'put your books on the shelf' is better - break it down to simple one step tasks.

Once you've got her attention and gave her a short instruction have her repeat back to you what you just said.

It's really a matter of training yourself in how to talk so your child will hear and understand you.
That should go a long way to cutting down on how many times you have to repeat yourself.

3 moms found this helpful
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P.G.

answers from Dallas on

My son is 7 and is autistic, so I understand.

Sometimes you don't have to repeat yourself, but you may need to wait longer than seems normal for her to process it. If she has trouble with eye contact, do NOT make her look you in the eye. Often people with autism can't look and listen at the same time - they can only process one type of input at a time.

This is normal for a typical 5 year old, but for a child with sensory issues, it makes things harder. If she is in school, I would ask if she has similar challenges and how they help her with them.

There is a wonderful blog I enjoy called adiaryofamom.wordpress.com. It's a great blog, and the readers are a very supportive community. It's also on Facebook and may be a resource that helps you. There are also several Facebook pages that are great, check out the Autism a Discussion Page as well.

Feel free to click my name to chat directly if you like. Take care.

3 moms found this helpful
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O.O.

answers from Los Angeles on

Huh?
(Sorry, couldn't resist!)

All I can say is I feel your pain.
I feel like that some days with my typical 11 year old!

3 moms found this helpful
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M.G.

answers from San Juan on

This is normal. I've learned by raising my autistic son repetition including with speech is all part of it. I have to tell my neurotypical daughter things multiple times as well over the years. Repeating isn't atypical and while yes you must pick your battles you should know whether or not it is of high importance at that moment that she listens immediately or not. FYI my son ignores me all the time, of course he doesn't want to change what he's doing to pay attention, he's 7; to me that is par for the course with having any child.

Try to set up realistic expectations for your daughter. Teach her how to listen by demonstrating that you listen to her - be it her cues or verbal ability. Good luck.

3 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

When you tell your daughter something have her immediately repeat back to you what you said. Good luck!!

2 moms found this helpful
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S.S.

answers from Colorado Springs on

You might try by getting on eye level, stating your request, say to her "tell me back what I asked you, and then Show me what I asked you."

It takes more time, but when a child is LEARNING to listen sometimes taking the time like this works.

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