I Feel like I Don't Have as Strong a Bond with My Middle Child

Girls Day Out and regularly, at least monthly, a special day without the boys. Shopping, fixing hair, going to get ice cream. I have three boys and one girl, her being the oldest and a teen. It is different with boys, not favoring, just different. Getting busy, her being busy, she sometimes gets left out and I am more affectionate with the boys. We recently had a shopping day with just her and I and it was awesome! I had completely forgotten how much fun I could have with her. You gotta go somewhere she enjoys without the boys! Its easy to get into the routine the way you have it, but you will be SOOOO glad you did do a day with just you and her, so take the time and try it!

Is it possible you're still depressed? Usually, if you have PPD, you're at much higher risk for getting it again with subsequent pregnancies. Did you get treatment for your PPD with your daughter? Sometimes if untreated you can have this disconnect. I had PPD with our first daughter and didn't do anything about it, with our second daughter I noticed it and got treatment right away. I feel much better and feel like I have already bonded with our 2 month old daughter, but still feel a disconnect at times with our 2.5 year old. (I'm not sure if that feeling is heightened right now because of the PPD or not...) So, I know how you feel. I know how you can feel terrible about it, guilty. I try to take time out for us, special one-on-one time and that makes me feel better. Try to give yourself permission to feel your guilt. It's OK that you feel this way, it's part of the PPD. Once you understand that and give in to it, you'll feel better. At least I do. I just try to forgive myself for feeling that way. I hope this makes sense. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you feel better soon.

You didn't mention how old she is...but at any age, I think all you can do is schedule some time to spend with her alone. Just the two of you. You have to find some activity or shared interest that only the two of you do together. If she is old enough to read, start a mini-bookclub and read books together. Take up painting, hiking, butterfly-collecting, or salsa dancing. Anything!

Encourage her in her own interests and show lots of enthusiasm. And maybe look into some books or even counseling on PPD. It's possible you are harboring some left-over resentment or negative feelings towards her that you know are unjustified -- but just can't let go of. Sometimes I think the hard birth experience I had with my son makes me think of him as a more difficult child overall. Maybe it's just a negative association you have with that sad time in your life and some reflection could help you overcome it.

a couple of red flags here: your guilt is really jumping out, & that in turn triggers depression....& colors your relationship with your children.

You mentioned the boys are "rowdy" & your daughter is "quiet/shy". You work "from son up to son down"- Sounds like the boys are sucking up your energy & attention. Quit letting them rule the roost! Also, ask yourself which personality trait draws you?

& then we have the battle of the sexes: it happens....dads are drawn to their daughters, moms to their sons. It's not a sexual thing....just an opposite sex thing. No harm, no need to worry....just a little quirk of life. A benign factor in our lives.

Soooo, lots to think about! Truly, I would advise you to absolve yourself from all feelings of guilt. It happened, it's over.....let it be over. Find something to do with your daughter....without those boys. Or have Dad/grandparents/somebody take those boys & have girl time at home! One way or another, get those kids separated occasionally....so your daughter has the chance to blossom!
&&&& this is from your other posting: get her in that kitchen! Peace.

I have three girls (6 and 3). I feel the same way about one of my children. It's the child who is most like me. My husband and I both see some of the things we don't like about ourselves in her. Impatienc, anxiety - you know,minor things that you just don't like about yourself that maybe no one else even knows. Once I realized it's me and not her, it helped.

It could be simply the difference between male and female. It isn't that you love the daughter less than the sons but that you relate to them in different ways.

Greetings E.,

There are so many dynamics involved in developing a relationship of any kind. After studying things from many cultural perspectives, I have come to many understandings that have helped me find the unique potentials and hurdles in any relationship and how to nurture a relationship's strengths. Just as each child is unique, so each relationship is a unique realitiy. Each relationship has its own DNA. The trick is to focus on the relationship rather than on yourself and your guilt for not 'naturally' feeling something you may have expected to happen effortlessly.

First know that it is perfectly normal for mothers to develop a slightly different bond with their sons than with their daughters. Also, there are some relationships that simply have a limitted potential and that is not anyones fault. To use a metaphor, think of relationships like food. Milk and eggs make pudding. Eggs and flour make cakes. Vinegar and oil make salad dressing. But, vinegar and milk curdle in each others presense. This curdling is good if you are making sour dough pancakes, but the partnership between milk and vinegar have more limitted possibilities in combination. Neither of them are bad or wrong or a 'monster'. It doesn't mean they don't belong in the same kitchen or cannot be part of the same meal. They just do not come together in the same dish as often. So, you see, there is nothing wrong in accepting a relationship for what it is. It can still be a fantastically loving and mutually supportive relationship in the long run.

What I would suggest is learning to see the virtues in your children and interact with them via those unique characteristics and the way they express themselves. To learn more about this, I frequently recommend the book we used raising my son, The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov.

Whether or not your feelings of affection and bonding develop naturally or with effort, those feelings are not the only thing necessary to be an effective parent. In fact, affection and admiration can lead a parent astray easily. Every parent needs to learn how to recognize their child's unique potential for virtue and to learn how to encourage, guide, and effectively discipline those potentials. Once you begin to see a virtue shining in another person, it is quite easy to feel attraction, admiration, and affection. I've never seen that fail.

If you still have a sense of guilt because of your own feelings, you may want to talk with a counselor for yourself. Sometimes we need to get on our own two feet as an individual before we can get beyond those feelings and tackle the needs of a relationship. Just keep in mind that your children need you balanced and strong while they are still children. So many of us put off our needs until the kids are grown. Helping Mom helps the family.

I agree with those that have said to find something you can share, just the 2 of you. I learned from a wise mom many years ago...she had several children like 8 & she looked exhausted this one particular day. She said she WAS exhausted. Her one son was struggling & her mom came to visit and told her she was losing him. She gave her that advice. Well the only thing this boy liked was reading sci-fi & this mom HATED sci-fi. But she was staying up late at night, after all the kiddos were in bed, & she was reading sci-fi. That son KNEW that the ONLY reason she was reading it was for HIM & it softened their relationship. I just totally believe in finding something that you can share with that child that you struggle with. You need a common ground to walk on with her.

I don't know why this happens but you are not alone. My daughter is also the middle between 2 boys. She thinks I favor the boys more and she is always in trouble. Well it isn't that I love them more, I just have to get onto her more because she doesn't listen or chooses to do her own thing so she gets grounded more. The boys aim to please and will jump from whatever they are doing "right now" when I ask them to do something. She will procrastinate on everything and usually won't do it at all until I tell her 2 or 3 times then by that time I am really frustrated and upset because one thing I do not like is telling someone more than once to do something especially when it comes to doing homework or doing dishes, cleaning up room or something simple as that. They know that dishes need to be done right after dinner, the boys will get up from the table and get them done right away, she will go off and work on homework or something else and then an hour later I am on her to get it done or else she will be grounded. I work with girls at church and have noticed they are tougher than boys to work with. Girls seem to be more stubborn and have their own opinions about everything. Boys seem to be more easy going and don't get upset about petty stuff and most of the time get along better than a group of girls do. Girls are h*** o* each other and don't think about how their words hurt others.
Sometimes my daughter and I are very close but other times I feel a distance and we don't always get along but she knows that I love her and that life isn't always easy. Just keep loving her and making her feel special. As she gets older she will remember her mother and you will become very special to her in her adult life especially when she has her own kids and realizes parenting isn't so easy after all.

Hi E.. I would suggest that the things she wants to do with you, let her. For example, the helping in the kitchen. She can help set the table, get out the "stirring spoons", help get out ingredients, etc. This time of just the two of you will give you time to talk, to bond, and to enjoy each other's company. Is she old enough to get her nails done? My 8 year old and I have a great time going to get manicures and pedicures every once in a blue moon.

Best of luck to you!

I have 2 kids and I thought I would bond more with a girl than a boy but boy was I wrong...so I understand where you are coming from. I too suffered from post-partum depression with my kids. I was an only child and EXTREMELY close to my mother until she passed away 11 years ago.

Here's my suggestion. Find what SHE likes to do and do a "girl's trip"...even if it's only for a day...do something special with her! Do a spa day (finger and toenails and you can do on the cheap at a beauty school, or go to the zoo together, even take a mini trip). You can also expose her to something YOU really like to do that she may not have been exposed to (concerts, theater, museums, ice skating, etc.) I think the point is to try to do something special with each kid. Obviously, you have found it easier to bond with the boys than with your girl so you just need to go out of the way a little to bond with your daughter. It may not be easy now, but the more you do, the more she will want to be with you and do things with you (at least for the time being)...even through my teen years I may not have acted like I listened to my mother but I really did HEAR everything she said...she just didn't realize it until I was in my 20s...LOL

You are NOT a monster. In fact, I think the opposite of you because you are AWARE of the problem and want to sincerely rectifiy it. Time, patience, effort and love are all you need the rest will come! Good luck!

All moms have given great advice. I totally agree that moms are sometimes drawn to sons, and dads to little girls. It doesn't stay true forever.
I am the middle girl, one older brother and one younger. My mom and I were never very close, she was much more drawn not only to the boys but to her oldest, which was the first, and the youngest, which is always the baby. My entire extended family all knew (and joked about) how my older brother could do no wrong, even when he did. He was the charismatic and charming son, always making her proud, visibly.
I would suggest reading the Birth Order Book. It is quite amazing and can really help you out. I saw my family very clearly in this book. I not only wanted to read it for my personal use, but I wanted to be aware of how parents raise different children based on order. I have always known I have some "middle child" issues, and wanted to try to make sure I don't give my children these issues...and really focus on not "ignoring" the middle kid.
In the end, it says that middle children end up the most well rounded kids. Middle children also tend to find their own "families" with very close and tight group of friends (I know I did this). One thing my mom still does, I am almost 30, every year for my bday, she has always gotten all of us ice cream cakes and every year, we would get my older brother's favorite, and every year I would mention it was in fact not my favorite but his. It is a trivial example, but it was common. Point being, make sure you really find out what interests her, not what you think interests her and what you want to interest her.
My mom and I have become closer now that I am a mom, but it has taken effort on both sides. She tried mom and me shopping days throughout the years, but I never enjoyed it. This is not to say and it won't work for you, but we just butted heads a lot.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

That's your little girl! You love her I can tell because you wrote that. That's bond right there. Hearing you say all those good things about her... that's bond. I think you have bonded with her already. Maybe she just doesn't seek as much attention as your other two maybe that's just her personality, nothing wrong with that.