I Feel like an Evil Step Mother

Hi, I've been there and done that. I feel for you I really do. I have two 17 year old step kids, twins a boy and a girl. Been married for 11 years, not soon enough after we got married (2 months after) their bio mom sends them to live with us, they were 6 at the time. The boy has always lived with us and the girl has always been back and fourth from our house to her moms. I have a wonderful relationship with my step son but my step daughter, man has she made it difficult. My husband and I always argue when it cmes to her, she just moved back to her moms after having lived with us for 10 months. She left without telling me nothing.
I think your step son is feeling the effects of the relationship his mom and dad have, and maybe just maybe the mom is telling him bad things about you ( it happened to me). If you haven;t already tried this, please do, try to go on a play date with him just the 2 of you, movies, arcade, mall and when the time is right just talk to him and ask him if he knows you love him and see what his response is, then you can bring up and ask him why he behaves the way he does with you and that it hurts your feelings. For me it worked from time to time and we did these girly things together through out the 11 years but it just came down to she doesn;t want to share her dad with anyone if it;s not her mom. I know it might be hard, but try to block away any bad doings that he's done so that you are able to talk to him in a calm way.
I hope this helps, and let me know what happens.
Your new friend, who's in the same boat as you.
M.. (Marie)
ps.I was under alot of stress because of my step daughter that my husband and I could not get pregnant. Then after she moved out one of the times to her moms in 05, I finally got pregnant with a boy, then in June 07 her mom send her back to live with us cause she couldn't handle her. We were trying for another baby, suceeded in Nov 07 but lost it in Jan 08. I was under alot of stree again cause of her, now she's gone hopefully it will happen again.
You need to keep calm!! and remember you have a wonderful baby boy who loves you the way you love him.

The focus here is all on your step-son. You really need to tell your Hubby, that YOUR son is going to get NEGATIVELY impacted by the influence of your step-son. Is that what he wants?

A parent has to Parent....it is not just a title. It is action and caring, and nurturing and discipline.

Your Hubby is ignoring the problem. As far as what goes on in YOUR household...you must stand your ground. The Ex wife has NO say in YOUR home or YOUR family. I would be so pissed off. I know it's not easy.... BUT you need to concentrate on your younger son. Raise him as you see fit. DO NOT let him fall through the cracks because you are so caught up in your problems with your Step-Son.

It is embarrassing that your Hubby is neglecting his 1 year old son, by "letting" his older son damage the household things and values and control everything.

Your step-son needs counseling. As he reaches pre-teen and the teenage years...it CAN escalate and get worse. Then your Hubby and Ex-Wife will really have problems then. They are being negligent, by omission of their "parenting" duties.

You REALLY REALLY need to concentrate on your 1 year old and protect him & his development. Teach him different. Properly as you hope for. You cannot "correct" your Step-Son... much less by yourself. That is what you are doing.
His Mom and your Hubby need to address his "problems." He will become more of a problem as he gets older. Is that what your Hubby wants... a dysfunctional son?

Some people can never change, will not change, nor will take any helpful advice. I'm sorry your Hubby is not being supportive in you or your youngest son. He needs to rise up and take a stand, be a man and a Father. Sorry for being so blunt...but he and his ex-wife are "harming" you and your youngest son.

I know it's not easy. But, I really wish you the best. This "problem" seems to be compromising your ability at being a Mom for your 1 year old... don't let it. YOU are in charge of your child. You may not be able to work a miracle in your Step-Son...but I admire your deep caring and concern for him.
If at any time... your Step-Son causes a problem for your 1 year old... you MUST not allow it. THAT is the line to be cautious about. You don't have to be "subservient" to your step-son.

Take care and all the best,
~Susan

Hi D., it makes it very hard id the bio parents can not have a cordual relatioship for the child's sake, and you are caught in the middle what I think you need to do is have a family meeting, but with one person in attendance, that has nothing to do with this` issue so they can be impartial, have a yard stick or object of som kind and the only who is allowed to talk is the one holding the stick, so everyone isn;t talking at the same time and not listening to one`anther
talk about, chores, boundries, thinks like that, it's h*** o* kids when they have one set of rules at oe house, then another set of rules, at another. if you don't think would work, maybe you can take your step son out to lunch or someo thing and talk to him, let him know you love him, and explain to him why his behavior ius not acceptible, be open tell him what you want for his life and future, let him know that because his little brother loves him so much that as he gets older he will copy him, I bet know once has taken the time to talk to him like this, you my be surprised ofthe results you get, and then when you tell him to clen up his mess, say something like if you need some help let me know, you know he desn't need the help, but you are displaying respect, and that;s how kids learn respect. Let me know how things go. J.

I basically have the same problem. My fiance's son who is 9 has not been taught any rules, doesn't eat right because my fiance's ex doesn't cook for him or cook at all, he is failing in school, among other things she is also a hoarder and doesn't clean her house. He is lucky to have a place to sleep when he is there. We now have him during the school week he is adhd and homework is a hassle, it is a challenge to say the least. Everybody needs to sit down and get on the same page when it comes to this child he should take priority over everybody and everything. His mom is slowly realizing it she can't handle him and he acts like a baby when she is around. Sooner or later the child will realize that he is in need of a structured environment we are all working on that now. You and your husband need to be on the same page and it is his job to discipline him if that means you need to teach the dad some parenting skills teach him I am teaching both my fiance and his ex some skills otherwise we will have a big mess on our hands when he becomes a teenager. Good luck.

I feel for you. I was there, exactly. I wish I could tell you it will work itself out, but it wont. You need to get your husband to listen to you. This is his resposibility and it is not at all fair for him to make you be the "bad guy" all the time. Does he listen when you tell him how hard this is for you? It will really help a lot if you guys can agree on what is allowed and expected from the boy. Than you BOTH can sit with him and BOTH very clearly explain to him what his "chores" are and what behavior is expected. Also he needs to have explained, preferably by your hubby, what consequenses he will face if he does not follow through with the rules. You both need to validate his feelings about the unfortunate situation around the divorce, split living arrangements,and remind him that you understand how hard it must be for him. But be firm on expectations and know that with this all done by BOTH of you lovingly AND firmly the routine will be good for him, his self esteem will grow, and it will make everything less hectic for you all.

Bottom line is that the step parent can't be the primary discaplinary. If you are not on the same page with dad, it can not work out. Youve got to be his friend and confidon. If he is not going to align w/ you on parenting his own, then the 'yours' will be a big challenge.

primary growth needs to happen w/. your husband and you... just love your stepchild.

Ps i am a step mom too, but luckily my husband and I see eye to eye on it, and when we don't he listens. I do however have challenges seeing how the lack of discapline has affected the stepson and how it will affect 'ours'. good luck