I Feel Guilty That My Daughter Is an Only Child

Erin is right. I have a bio son and adopted daughter and they are sooo tight. Don't ever think you "can't love an adopted kid the same" as one you carry. I'd take a bullet for either one. And both their lives are infinitely richer for having each other. But my hubby's an only kid and he liked it fine. So don't beat yourself up, but consider adoption.

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I have a daughter who turned 4 in Dec. Both my husband and I agree that we do not want anymore children because I had some problems when she was 4 months old. I feel guilty sometimes because she is a very out going girl and loves to play with kids but there is no kids around for her to play with. She goes to PreK for 2 hours a day 2 days a week but other then that she has no one to play with. I tried to find play groups for her but was unsucessful. In a way I wish I could give her a sibbling but like my husband and I say, "It is better to spoil one then struggle with two."

If you haven't done so already, look at the situation and try to imagine your daughter with a sibling. Does she act like she could use a playmate and someone to learn to get along with? We had fertility issues, too, and I have an active little boy who had no one to play with. It was tough. Are you able to adopt, financially? Or you could look into the foster care system (we did that too-went thru' the training and everything). We ended up not adopting thru' that though. We eventually adopted through foreign adoptions. It was a long wait (for us because of different things that came up with us), but we have a very cute little boy for our son. The two of them do everything together. Fight, yes, but that's part of them learning and forming memories together. I grew up with one sibling. We live apart now, but it's still nice to have one. It's like having a comrade as you grow up. I heard my mom say that one reason they had me was so my sister wouldn't have to grow up alone, because my mom did. I wanted the same for my son.
But examine your own situation and think about all that. And if you have any inkling that you might want an adopted sibling, get started on it now, because you might wish you had gotten started on it sooner yet!

Hi D.! Please don't feel guilty about this! I was an only child (just had a half brother & sister that were much older and didn't live with me). I turned out just fine, and still play very well with others :)! And although I stayed home with my mom for the first few years, she had to go back to work when I was aobut 3. So hanging around with other kids at daycare & the sitters I think probably helped. And now I have a 15 month old son and choose for him to be an only child. I'm certainly getting pressure to have another, but I actually just want one (I know a lot of people will find that unusual!). I feel like I enjoy focusing my energy on him. And I work one day a week so he goes to daycare for 1-2 days a week to get interaction with other kids. We just moved here, so over time I plan on getting us involved in other group activites too so he can play with others!

So there are other places that she can interact with other kids - they don't need to be her siblings! And take it from an only child - she has every potential to be as happy as a kid with lots of siblings!

Hi D.,

I can relate completely to your dilemma. I also have an only child, a daughter who is 3-1/2. I have wrestled with the idea of having another child for a long time. I don't have fertility issues, just doubts and questions about having another child. I waited til I was nearly 37 to have her and I was terrified while pregnant! I've nearly made peace with the fact that I'm stopping with her. I do feel bad about not giving her a sibling--someone she can grow up with. But that certainly is not a reason for having another child--just so she's not alone! I have an older brother (4-1/2 years older) and we were very close when we were in our 20's. Before that time and after that time, we grew apart and now only talk during holidays. And he only lives 2 miles from me! So there is no guarantee siblings will be close or even get along and like each other. My daughter does have a 13 yo half sister who's with us every other weekend, but it's not the same as a full time sibling to play with, someone who's closer in age. Now that Kaitlyn's a teenager, she barely acknowledges Nicole's existence. To help socialize her before kindergarten, I have her involved in several activities outside the home where she is around other children her age. She attends dance class, gymnastics, nursery school and Sunday School. Each is only once a week, but she enjoys them all. I found a few other moms thru networks on-line and we have a monthly play date with another little boy we met that way. My daughter is a happy little girl who enjoys things the way they are. She never asks about having a little brother or sister and seems content being the center of our universe. My decision is not written in stone, yet, because it's something I'm still dealing with, but when I really think it thru, I'm happy and content with just my little girl :)
I know I rattled on and on, but if you want to contact me to chat about this some more, please feel free to do so at ____@____.com I was actually going to post something of this nature since I'm still debating the issue, but didn't know how to word it.
Good luck!
B.

I have a 3 year old son and am not having any more children. I do not feel guilty nor do I allow any one else to make me feel guilty. The number of children a couple has is a personal decision and should not be dictated by society. My son interacts with other children from his cousins, friend's kids, and his daycare friends. I am not worried that he will be lonely. If you truly want another child then I would suggest adoption.

Hey D....
I was an only child. But like you my mother came from a large family too. I had lot's of cousins to play with even if they were a little older. And I had lot's of friends near my home.
Do not feel guilty, there's lot's of us "onlies" out there, and we're fine. As long as you don't keep her couped up alone in the house all the time she'll be fine.
Best of luck Hun!!!

I'm in the same boat ( my daughter was born when I was 43!) but I plan to adopt a similar-aged sibling when she's a little bit older. There are lots of school-aged kids out there that need homes!

I know exactly what you mean, I also have an only child he is 4 years old going to be 5 in April and I worry all the time wondering if he´s going to grow up to be a secluded person because he didn´t have a sibling. To be honest I don´t know of any real advice for avoiding what we are feeling but , what I do suggest is trying to spend as much time with her as possible, take her to places where she can interact with other children. For example I love to take my little boy to the Zoo, playground, etc. I believe that by doing this you can try to elimate them from feeling alone.

D. - you have lots of choices from reading all the responses! You could even be a 'big sister' once a week so that there is another child around. Foster parent?

My daughter is an only child too, and I'm not planning to have any more children. I have the same feelings of guilt sometimes, too. I will be interested to see what people say.

My son is currently 27 months and is the only child. I know we will have siblings for him in the future but I can relate to what you are talking about. From the time that my son started to play independently I felt bad that he didn't have any siblings. I didn't know why but I just felt that he should have someone to play with and such. I would just think about how you can spoil your daughter and give all of yourself to her without having to split your time. There is something about that too! We were making cookies this year and I let my son lick the batter off the mixing blades and he loved it! I just remember having to share and fight with my siblings over that and felt so happy that Zander didn't have to do that! Little things like that made me almost think about only wanting one child.
Don't worry if she doesn't have a sibling, she will turn out perfectly fine with or with out one! And she will love you either way for it.

www.momtomombiz.com

I am an only child and while there were times when I was younger I wished I had a sibling , but honestly I can;t say I ever really thought much about it as a child or as an adult. Please don;t feel guilty about not being able to give her a sibling..thats really something you should not feel guilt about. She will grow up to he a great person and her having a sibling won't affect her in anyway as a child or as an adult. So for right now don't dwell over it. She would rather have 100 percent of you then only 50% of you because you feel tremendous quilt that you can't give her a sibling.
Honestly, being and only child is not all the bad. She will get 100000% of you all the time and there is nothing better than that to a child.

Hi D.,
Thanks for asking this question. I have one daughter and often feel uncertain if we will have another child. Some days I want to and others I don't. I grew up an only child. However, my Mom remarried when I was 13 and I had an instant step-sister. We got along okay, but I still feel like I spent most of my childhood as an only child. I feel pretty positive about my experience growing up and hope that, if we decide to not have another baby, I won't feel too guilty about it. There is a lot of societal pressure to "give our daughter a sibling" and I am trying not to let that impact our decision. It has been interesting to read all of the other responses. Good luck with your situation!
Y.

Dear D.,
I'm not sure what you have tried as far as fertility treatments. I know this sounds crazy, but I highly recommend acupuncture. My husband and I had 2 miscarraiges before we had our daughter, and I fully attribute my healthy pregnancy to acupuncture. My husband's cousin went through years of fertility treatments before she tried acupuncture, and now has 2 healthy kids. It is worth a try. Also, I'm not sure if adoption is an option for you, but there are thousands of kids out there who need a home, and wouldn't mind sharing your love with your daughter. Good luck! I know the pain of wanting a child, and struggling to have one.
J. W

I was an only child & I had a very good life. My cousins are my brothers & sisters. My children are 12 yrs apart. I worry what will happen to the baby when his sis leaves for college. That is the main reason we are trying to have another one. He & I are part of 2 playgroups. He has lost of kids to play with. With my daughter, I put her in preschool, so she would have kids to play with.

Hi D.,
I am now 46 yo with a 12 yo daughter. We had much trouble conceiving and I really thought I wasn't going to have even one. I was so grateful to have the one, that for a long time I didn't think of a second. Then, I researched adoption of a second and spent a long time thinking of it. But my husband was not for it. Over time, I have come to accept that I have only one, and that's fine with me. Children are expensive, take lots of time (if you're doing it right,) and leave you in the long run (if you're doing it right). I know so many old women who live for the attention of their kids and have failed to make their own lives. At this point, with only one, I find I have a lot of time to make my own life and time to work on my marriage and career. I don't feel guilty about not having another. In any event, each child makes her own way in life and does not live with her siblings. You can't say whether a second child would benefit your first or not, and that's not a valid reason, really, for having a second. Our daughters will have husbands, mothers-in-law, friends, and children of their own. They'll have family without siblings, different from our experiences, but who is to say that it's a lesser experience?
I wouldn't worry about it.
B.

I had a similar situation, came from a family of 3 kids and always thought I would have at LEAST 3 myself. Ferility issues arose, too, and after 5 yrs of 'treatments' and a very tough pregnancy, happily delivered a little girl. I felt guilty, too, and we considered jumping thru all the hoops to have another child, but decided against agressively pursuing this, because of the potential for severe physical, financial and emotional challenges if anyoher pregnancy was as difficult as the first. Now, our daughter is 25 - and I ask her if she feels short-changed that she doesn't have siblings. She says 'no', she is very well adjusted socially and has good friends with brothers, sisters, cousins - and this seems to make up for having a sister or brother herself. Personally, I am very close to my own sister and cannot imagine being without a sister, but I am grateful my daughter seems to be content with being an only child. I would have liked to have more children, it's just not the cards I was dealt. It doesn't have to be a negative in your child's life. I encouraged her having friends, being active socially and being a responsible person.

D.,

I have to say that I do know how you feel. I had many of those same feelings, while battling secondary infertility. Don't give up. I did win the battle. I have a 7 year old son and a 1 year old daughter. I also felt very guilty about the prospect of an only child, but one day it hit me that my son did not know any different and it was okay to have just one child. Yes I do think a lot of people think it is wrong but it is not there business. I would like to tell them all that I had eight miscariages trying to have another child and how painfull that it to get them to shut up. Wait until your daugher starts school and see how many other kids in her class are only children. You will be suprised. In my sons kindergarten class there was about 20 kids. Five of them were only children. You may want to do some reading on the secondary infertility how we can morn the loss of what we felt our ideal family size be it one or six. Your daughher will be fine.

I grew up as an only child and was envious of others who had siblings. Both my parents came from sibling households and they were close to each other. I wanted that for myself. But as I started school I meet my best friend of 20+ years who is also an only child. We act like sisters, we fight like sisters and treat each other kids as our nieces and nephews. So in a way I did have a sibling she just didn't live with me. I have seen the closeness of my family and I seen how far apart a family can be. My husband wants nothing to do with his sister (most of his family). I can't understand that being an only child but there are days I am glad I am.

We thought that our daughter would be any only child but I did get pregnant with my son after 6 years. I am glad that my daughter has a sibling to help her things about us after we are gone.

I know that I felt guilty that my daughter was an only child but that is what is handed to us. Keep trying for a second or even adopt if you feel your family is not large enough.

Good Luck with Everything

I can relate to what you're saying. I had three miscarriages before I had my son five years ago at 39. I try to focus on the positive side of having an only. Personally, I feel that I (and my husband) are too "Type A" to have multiple kids and we chose to stop at one. There is nothing wrong with that. It's a good thing to put your time and energy into one blessed child. I let my son have lots of play dates and do activities outside the home with other kids. His friends (who all have younger sibs) really like coming here because they don't have to play with the younger kids. Relax about it. If it ends up that you do have another--that's great if that's what you want. But remember not to let other people's opinions or situations influence your decisions. God gives you what you can handle. Personally, I am quite happy with having an only.

I have two children, but I am an only child. I have to admit that, other then brief moments during my childhood, I never missed having a sibling or really thought about it much. I never felt deprived in any way not having a brother or sister, and when I spent time with friends who did have siblings I saw the good, and bad things about having one around.

I would have been absolutely fine with my daughter being an only child as well but was just as happy to add to our family. I did get pregnant with a second little girl but I was not stressing if it didn't happen because I KNEW my eldest would be fine either way.

Try to remember that in her eyes she has always been the apple of your eye. To her experience there is nothing missing in her world because it is a normal part of your family to only have her. You miss a big family more because that was your experience growing up. She is lucky to have a mom who cares so much about her and obviously loves her :)

Hope this helped....

My parents divorced when I was young and my mother got remarried when I was five and two years later I had a half sister. We were too many years apart to be great sisters and still we do not talk often, but I never missed this connection. Your daughter will have many friends who she will have a great time bonding with and those bonds will be stronger. Blood is not the only thing that makes a sister. If when she is older she express great saddness that she is an only child consider adopting a child her age. There are many other there and again strong bonds will form.

D.- Dont feel guilty. It sounds like the situation is out of your hands. I grew up as an only child and just like any situation there were good and bad points. Im sure you would agree that there were good and bad points to growing up in a large family. Your daughter will be fine growing up as an only child. Just make sure she has plenty of opportunities to play with other children. My mom used to let me bring a friend whenever we went on vacation or to the zoo etc. This made it more fun for me and gave my mom and dad a break =) Dont beat yourself up over this. At the end of the day it wont matter if she has three siblings or none, the only thing that matters is that she feels loved by her parents which I have no doubt she does. Best of luck.
-C.

D.,

I am a single working Mom who has a 7 yr old daughter. It is very hard to only have one. I completely understand where you are coming from. I always said that I wanted siblings for my child as well.

I guess I never found the right person to finally settle down with and now that I am almost 41 years old I wonder if it is to late for me as well.

My daugher has always said she wanted a sister or a brother. She gets to see my sister having baby after baby every 3 years (total count of 4 now) and it is hard for me to sit and watch her do this while I have a small family of 2.

I work with as best as I can because I can't change fate. My daughter is very well adjusted and has a wonderful imagination for being an only child. She of course is also rather spoiled, but she is my one and only and I have made my peace with it as best as I can.

Hang in there and if you ever need to talk I am here for you.
See the private message that I marked for you.

Hang in there and enjoy your daugher while you can. They grow up so fast these days.

A. C.

I was adopted and was raised an only child. My mother remarried when I was in my teens, but I never got close to any of the step-siblings. I did want a sibling growing up, but I knew it was impossible for my mother to carry any children. I have friends that I have had for many years who I feel are closer to me than a sister could have been. You can't choose your family, but you can choose who you accept as family!
I did always want a big family because of the lack of siblings, so I have 3 little girls and would like to try for my boy :o) Who knows...maybe when your daughter grows up she will give you many grandbabies to spoil :o)
God Bless....don't stress over things you cannot change!
J. B

Wow.....I feel the same way. I had my daughter at 45 and because of my age, probably won't have anymore. I have 3 sisters and can't imagine my daughter not having that, especially since my husband and I are older and may not be around as long as a younger parent. I do plan on making sure she gets close and spends lots of time with younger cousins and has some close friends so she has sprcial relationships into adulthood. Another thing I've thought of is possibly adopting.
Try not to feel bad. Your daughter will get 100% of you and your husband, which is a good thing!
-Irene G

I was/am an only child. It's not too bad. I just found different ways to entertain myself. I had two cousins also who were close to my age. I feel, honestly, being an only child aided in my vivid imagination. I had to learn to keep myself occupied.

Hi D.--I can totally relate. I had my son when I was 30...hoping to having another one shortly after. It didn't happen, now he is 6. There are days I feel so bad. I watch him play in the back yard & think its so unfair. But he seems happy with his life:) We arrange playdates with his school friends on the weekends. I joined a local mothers club so we both met new people. I do notice he gravitates towards families with lots of kids:)

There is a bright side. We are very close. Its nice to jump in the car, one kid, where ever we want to go. I'm able to do a lot more things that maybe I couldn't afford if I had multiple kids & he is always welcome to bring a friend along.

Hi D.! I am an only child. Growing up I was very happy and very close to both my parents and never wanted a sibling. I truly don't remember ever feeling lonley. Even now that I am 36 I still don't feel as if I missed out on anything growing up. I am sure it is nice to have siblings but there are many benefits to being an only too! My husband and I have a 4year old son who, by our choice, will be an only child. He is very happy & well ajusted. He goes to preschool 3 days/ week and has lots of friends. We make sure he is involved in activities and playdates. But he also really likes just hanging out w/ mom & dad! We play games and read and he loves to help us with whatever we are doing around the house. And it's nice to be able to take him everywhere w/ us. If we had more than one it probably would not be as easy. We really love being able to give him all our time & attention. Please don't feel guilty b/c all your daughter really needs is all your love! With that I'm sure she will thrive and be a very happy little girl!

Hi D..

If you feel like you still want more children, why not adopt? There are sooo many children in our country (and others) that would love to have a family. That solves two problems. We have 3 children (biological) but stopped at three because we would really like to adopt a child. We figured, we want another child so why not adopt one and welcome them into our family? Good luck no matter what you decide.

I too have an only daughter. At times I have worried about her being an only child--what about when my husband and I get older, etc., but my daughter has no problem with it. When she was younger, even at 2 years old, we would teasingly ask her, "What would you think if Mommy and Daddy had another baby?", her response has always been, "I like being the only one!"

So, I focus on all of the blessings we have because of having an only child--we can travel more easily and less expensively, and give her experiences we might not otherwise be able to, we can spend lots of one-on-one time with her, and we have lots of special moments that I'm not sure would happen if we had more children. Plus, not having to deal with sibling rivalry is a huge bonus!! :-)

I have also spoken with a lot of people who are only children, and I have only met one who really wished she'd had siblings, but she had a difficult family situation growing up, which has contributed to her feeling that way.

Bottom line, my daughter is now 8 1/2, and she still adores "being the only one". My husband and I love it too. Good luck to you, enjoy your daughter, and don't feel guilty--as long as you are being the best Mom you can be, you will be just fine, whether you have 1 child or 11.

I can't totally relate, but I grew up with 3 adopted brothers. So if you really want your daughter to have sibblings and can not have any more children, you could consider adoption. You can adopt children while they are still a baby or any age. Or consider foster care, you can also adopt through foster care.

Hi D., Why are you feeling guilty about something you have no control over? Sure you would love to have another child, but if that isn't possiable you have to move on. Guilt isn't going to make you a better mother or help your child in any way. Get your daughter involved in activities that she can be with other children outside of school. She is old enough to start dance classes or gymnastic's. When she's 4 you can look into T-ball or soccer. When she gets into Kindergarden she can start in Girl Scouts as a Daisy. There's tons of things to do in your community and surrounding areas if you look for them. Use all that energy you are wasting on feeling guilty and enjoy your life with your daughter!! Good luck & best wishes!!

My 5 year old son is an only child, also. We tried to have another baby, but I had a miscarriage when my son was 3. We've still been trying, but now I'm getting too old. (I'll be 43 next month.) So I'm resigned to the fact that my son will be an only child, too. I also feel guilty and bad for him sometimes. I only have one sister, but we have always relied on each other. I always feel guilty when my son wants me to play with him because I don't always have the time, but I feel guilty that he has no sibling to play with him. I have talked to only children (as adults), and it doesn't seem to bother them because that's all they ever knew. Also, their parents always made sure they had kids around to play with. I've talked to parents of only children, too, and they say their kid loves it because they get all the presents and attention. I guess there are pros and cons to being an only child or to having siblings. My son's best friend is an only child, too, so that helps, and I do make sure he has lots of playdates all the time. Plus, I probably do spoil him with too many toys, and we go on a lot of outings as a family. All our vacations have been centered around his love for animals. I guess the best we can do is love our child and make sure they get a chance to really know their friends and cousins. (My son's cousins all live far away, but we do our best.) My son and I are really close, and my husband of 20 years is also a wonderful father. We definitely shower him with love, or at least try to most of the time.

Hi D.,
I have a son who is 5. I always thought we would have 2, but as soon as he was born I simply felt content with the three of us as a family. I thought that might change over time, but it hasn't yet. We have gotten a lot of comments about this from family, friends, and even strangers! I think there is this unwritten rule that it is somehow cruel to have an only child. I think there is no "right" way to have a family. There are pros and cons to being an only child and pros and cons to having siblings. If you don't feel settled, like a gut knowing your family isn't complete, there are ways to add to your family (like adoption and foster care). If the unease comes from the myth that having an only child isn't "OK," then rest assured knowing there are lots of healthy, happy only children in the world.

I hope my 2 cents helps,
S.

Hello D.!! I am an only child and the Mom of and only child! My advise to you would be: get her out to playgroups, swim class, or whatever she is into, on a regular basis. Being an only child, I now realize the one thing that I did lack while growing up was a constant child to child interaction. I had my parents and that was about it. (I grew up way out in the country where the neighbors are far and few between) I have done enough research to find that if you keep your only child involved in activities (not too many) and have a favorite playmate visit often (along with pre-school and school) they are as well rounded as those that grew up with siblings.

I understand your postition - we are unable to have anymore children. Pregnancy was very rocky for us and we where given an 90% chance of it being worse the 2nd time... We have been blessed with one beautiful son with an amazing personality!!

Good luck to you!!

A.

I can relate, I had an only child too and we became best friends. I understand some people don't like that idea, but for us it worked out fine. She was comfortable in coming to me or her Dad with any issues that were on her mind. Love her and keep the lines of communication open to her at ALL times. Yes, there will be times when she leaves the room you need to hit your knees and pray, but it'll all be worth it. Our daughter was an Honor Roll Student, member of the Marching Band & community volunteer. She is now a very good mother of a beautiful little girl. She turned out just fine.

I have a eleven year old son,he is the only one I think if you give them a=lot of attention and let them have friends your daughter will be fine.I use to worry about my son but everyone who meets him says how happy he is.He has lots of friends and we keep him active in sports and other things. Soon your daughter will be in pre-school and have a-lot of friends.My son is an A student.I really don't think that you have any thing to worry about.All her aunts,and uncles will keep her busy.When she's a little older get her a pet.My son has a dog and turtle he loves them,they keep him busy.Maybe if it really bothers you,consider a foster child it's just a thought,but it something to think about.My husband and I are considering it.Good luck to you and your wonderful family B.