I Don't Want His Biological Father to Make His Future Life Decisions....

I think it would be worth it to get rid of the biological father. Let him sign over his rights if he will, that would give you peace of mind.

Hard decision, but there just is something wrong about wanting the bio dad to only be apart financially.

See a lawyer! Make sure you have a will and that not only your husband but also the dad and several other third parties such as friends and family know about the decision, so there will be social support for your husband if the worst happens. If bio-dad's family is still around, they should know too, and they should be clearly told why you don't want your son to live with him if it's for his protection on some level.

And may you live to see your grandchildrens' weddings.
:-)

Hmm. I'm interested in what you find out on this one. I have a 15 year old from a previous marriage that my hubby has been dad to since he was four year old, but my ex still pays support as well.

People don't realize that some men shouldn't be around kids (like my ex, who put his own son in the hospital at age 5 months from shaking him, and now isn't allowed around him, BUT still has to pay support as he should til he's 18).

M.,
I think your best bet would be to talk to a family law lawyer. I don't think your going to be able to have it both ways, and the best thing to do would be have his dad sign a release and have your husband do a step parent adotption. Good luck
Amanda

I do agree with the folks who are saying "you can't have it both ways." BUT, in this case, reality is on your side. What you can't have is both certainty and child support. Reality is that caring for an autistic child is time-consuming and expensive, both of which the bio father has been clearly not interested in. If you are ok with a little uncertainty, the most likely outcome (in the unlikely event of your premature death) is that your husband can approach the bio father with the offer to retain custody of your son, at which time I would expect that he'd have to sign away his parental rights. You definitely need to talk to an attorney to clarify the situation. Remember, too, that the odds of a healthy young woman dying over the next 11 years are slim.

I work for a family law lawyer and I agree with all the other comments... you can't have it both ways. You need to decide what is more important - the current support/money or your son's future being secured with your husband. I would suggest speaking with a family law facilitator. They are lawyers who give free advice and can help you file any needed paperwork. Call your local court and ask if there is family law facilitator in your county and make an appointment.

You can't have your cake and eat it to - - - if he pays he has rights.... the only way to take his rights away is for your husband to adopt him - you have to decide what is more important - the money or what is best for your son.

V.

I totally agree with the others. It is shocking you would risk your son, who faces challenges already, to be placed in the home of a man he has no connection to for the sake of money. Forgo the money, let your husband adopt your son and begin to sleep at night. You can not put a dollar sign on that.

First, I want to say that others are being much nicer than I can about this.

I am shocked that you are so bitter that you are putting occasional money above the welfare of your son. If you have a husband that loves him and is willing to adopt him, you should get over the money and let him do it.

It is very selfish of you to withhold security from your son, who will benefit immensly from having that legal connection to a father, so that you can get money.

D.

If "you" sit back and read your letter, it sounds like your more worried about getting your child support check "sometimes." If your trying to do the best thing, that would be having his loving, caring, the man that raised him, father (not biological) adopt him!

YOu should really talk to an attorney who specializes in Special Needs Trusts and related issues. Whatever you decide you need to define things in writing and maek sure all the important people know about the plans and arrangements you have made.

I agree.. I don't believe you can have it both ways.. talk to a lawyer.

Hello M.,
I am not sure you will have anything to worry about on the front of your son's biological parent.It sounds to me like he is absent by choice. Blessings to you, raising a child with developmental disabilities is challenging at the least. I have a son with ASD also, but he is high functioning. His father, and I are still raising him together in a happy marriage. My advice is to consult an attorney on living trust, and family law. So, that if something does happen to you,someone will be able to carry out your wishes. I also recommend that you take a seminar on leaving a trust account to your child, so that if something does happen, and there is no close family member to take care of them. There is a way to leave a fund for them that can' t be drained to make them eligible for public assistance. Autism Spectrum Disorder websites offer information on seminars where they teach you how to do that. Good luck, and many blessings for your family. L. C.

M.,
Sorry for your recent loss (I've been there), it's hard to loose a loved one and it really is a time when moms start putting our lives in perspective. Please wait until after a month or so of mourning (or at least a year if it was mom or dad who passed)and only then you could finally address this issue to focus on your very special child. It's not about you and what your child's biological father owes anymore, but what is best for your child which will require life-long financial assistance from some one (parents or taxpayers). Now is the time to mend fences with the bio dad and include him in the process of planning for his son's life. It seems like he is willing to help. You need to talk with a lawyer specializing in family law. It will cost you, especially with the past history. But arrangements can be made for who has custody, makes medical decisions, and (yes) also pays for it. Remember..."You can't have your cake and eat it too!". After you're gone (this is what we're talking about aren't we?), your son will need everyone possible to help him live a long and productive life. Good luck!

Hi M...
Under noooooooooo circumstances should you offer your ex money.. thats illegal!! I would however let your husband adopt your child. It sounds like he loves your child and would be good for him. Your ex doesnt sound like he would be worth it to hold onto for your sons sake. Money isnt everything and some people are just not cut out to be a parent. Your ex husband will probably sign over his rights to your husband willingly just to get out of paying support, because he really doesnt want any contact with him.

I would do that...but dont offer money..definately dont do that.

Good luck!!
K.

Look into something called "Limited Guardianship." I am not my son's biological mother, but I have raised him since he was born. His bio father wouldn't give up his rights so I could adopt my son so his bio mother (my ex-wife) and I found out about Limited Guardianship. It doesn't require all the legal rigamarole a full guardianship requires (which your ex could stop from happening easily), but can provide the same rights and responsibilities for your husband. Basically, you just write up a legal doc saying what YOU want to happen, what rights you want your husband to have, etc. and you both get it notarized. Also, make sure you have a will and that in it you state that you want sole custody to go to your husband should anything happen to you. Also, keep records of everything your husband does, pays for, etc. for your son (doctor visits, daycare, medication, etc) so in case he needs to, he can show that he has been the one who has acted like a father to your child, not the boy's bio father. All of this will help in case it has to go to court.

Good luck!

Just wondering.. Can you just list your husband so that if something happens to you, he gets your son (or whoever else if the both of you are taken out of the picture), without having it revert back to the child-support-paying, non-supportive bio father?

Hi M.,

First you need to seek legal advise...Second I would question your desire to have the Bio Dad pay if you are not wanting him to "take over" if you were to die or become unable to care for your son yourself. If you husband is willing ask him to adopt your son and the scare will be over if Bio Dad will sign the papers...no amount of money is worth the worry or the risk. I adopted my oldest son and the peace of mind that came from not having his Bio Parents be an active part of his life was worth more than the stipend we were receiving every month.
My heart to yours,
T.

M.,

You have to realize that you can't have it both ways. You first have to decide what is really best for the child, receiving money from the biological father or having your husband as the adopted father. Once that is done, you can go from there and take the next step.

It really sounds as if you do want the biological to relinquish his parental rights and pay child support. Sometimes it's better to forget about the money.

I know any extra income can be an important, but you are going to have to make a decision... either you keep accepting money from son's biological father and let him be a part of your son's life or your husband can adopt him. You absolutely cannot have it both ways.

Yes, unfortunately, you can't have your cake and eat it too. It sounds like your ex would more than likely relinquish his rights and allow you husband to adopt. Unless you're really needy for what little money you get from your ex, adoption could solidify your family and bring you peace of mind.

M.,
There comes a time when you need to decide which is more important: a few dollars (sometimes) or doing all you can do in your power to protect your son. It would be a tragedy for a child to go to someone with whom they had no relationship. A father is the person who is doing the job day in and day out. Honor the man who has stepped up. You and your current husband are obviously capable of supporting your two children because now there's a third. Relieve yourself of the negativity of trying to make your ex pay...it's not worth it, not to you, your current husband, nor your son.

Hi M.,

It sounds like you have a loving husband who loves your son like his own child. I would allow him to adopt and look to the future for your son. Forget about his biological father- it sounds like he doesn't want to be involved in your child's life. It is best that your son has a stable future with loving parents.

Good luck.

Molly