17 answers

I Dont Want Grandma to Babysit (Alone) Anymore

I need some advice. Grandma watches my twins once a week. -this was a decision made by my husband without consulting me first. I have tried to be ok with it, & remind myself that she is their grandma and she loves them and wouldnt intentionally harm them . BUT.........
I have noticed the last few weeks that she seems frazzled and cant wait to leave when i get home and i think that she is overwhelmed at taking care of 9month old twins that are teething & crawling but is too stubborn to admit it. I have asked her if she needs us to start taking them to our regular sitter and she is adamat that she can handle it. I dont think she can. Both kids are wet tired & hungry every time. They dont nap because she says they cry when you put them in their crib and she cant bear to let them cry, so she just lets them go napless. For whatever reason when grandpa comes with her ( which is about once a month) things seem to be ok and both have naps and are not starving & wet when i get home. I have a few other reasons that im uncomfortable with her being alone with them. One is her health she has RA badly in her hands- they are deformed and she has a hard time most days doing simple things like holding a cup, and she has allmost burned the house down while using the stove ( on several occasions) My husband thinks im just being a b***h and that i dont want her watching the kids because its his mom...so not the case, so of course he wont say anything. I would be ok with her watching them IF grandpa could always be there but he cant. Do i just start taking them to the sitter? *Edit* Grandma is 64. I know her RA can be painfull and i think the watching the kids makes it worse. She wouldnt except help, i tried having my sister there once to help out and she wouldnt even let her touch the kids - grandma sometimes forgets that kids should be enjoyed by everyone, not just their paternal grandma.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

My SIL wants grandma to be the sitter, but now that she had two kids, grandma can't handle it because she's well into her 70's, So SIL hires grandma an extra set of hands and grandma and sitter tag team it. Best of both worlds. Grandma gets the bonding time, but doesn't get wiped out.

3 moms found this helpful

More Answers

Oh, bless her heart. You husband is in denial. Her RA is painful, and I mean painful. She is a trooper, but give this sweet woman a break from her having so much on her plate. Get the sitter.

Tell her that you want her to be a grandma rather than a daycare provider. Grandmas get to have fun with their grandkids, and don't have to be responsible for them. Tell her just that. And make time for them to be together after nap time.

Ignore your husband. When he gets RA and is her age, THEN he gets to make the decision that HE wants to watch his 9 month old grandkids.

Thinking of both you and grandma,
D.

7 moms found this helpful

My SIL wants grandma to be the sitter, but now that she had two kids, grandma can't handle it because she's well into her 70's, So SIL hires grandma an extra set of hands and grandma and sitter tag team it. Best of both worlds. Grandma gets the bonding time, but doesn't get wiped out.

3 moms found this helpful

You don't say if you are paying grandma to watch the babies. It may be too much for her but she loves them and both of you and doesn't want to say no. One solution might be to hire a teen from the neighborhood to come in and help out. Explain to Grandma that this young person needs a job and can't find one so would she mind if the young person (12-15) would come over and help out. This could be a win-win grandma is still feeling useful and you are helping a young person. Of course explain to the young one that grandma wants to do the babysitting but it's too much for her, but not to hurt her feelings by saying so.
As fo me I do babysit my grandchildren but I don't want to be tied down. I raised my own kids for 34 yrs and am now taking care of my Mom, with the assistance of a hospice team. As much as I enjoy my grandchildren and my Mom, I am looking forward to the freedom of not being tied down.
You could also explain to both grandparents that even when you get the babies into regular daycare and then school there will still be plenty of chances to babysit. It seems as though every couple of months I have one of them here because they are sick and the parents need to go to work. Which is fine I don't mind being the emergency sitter.

3 moms found this helpful

Do what feels right in your heart. The primary concern here is your twins. Your husband is 2nd and your MIL is 3rd. Has your husband been the one to come home first ever? Maybe he needs to see the situation with his own eyes. Have a heart to heart with him...he should hopefully understand.

3 moms found this helpful

Get the sitter & ask Grandma to babysit one or 2 nights a month while you have date night. That way its only for a couple of hours & she won't get so worn out & encourage Grandpa to come with her.

2 moms found this helpful

It sounds as if caring for small, active twins is wreaking havoc on her health and thus her nerves. I feel really bad for her because this must be a very sore point of pride for her. :-( And I would bet dollars to donuts that your husband doesn't want to think of his mother as unwell or incapable or as aging and therefore unable to watch the babies.

However, the babies' safety must come first. I have a feeling that this was supposed to be a way for your MIL to spend frequent and regular time with the twins, but now it's time to come up with a different way for that to happen. You're going to have to appeal to her in a way that doesn't feel like she's being attacked for how capable she as a person or a woman.

Perhaps you can phrase it as if it's a matter of the twins needing to spend time at the babysitter more consistently because the current schedule is disruptive for them. It wouldn't be lying because it's true... her physical inability and her emotional upset about it without being able to admit it is disruptive... but mainly for her, the poor woman.

I'm sorry you're in this position. Just be as loving toward her as possible and let her know you appreciate everything she's done for you. Reassure her that she'll still get to see the kids frequently for extended visits.

2 moms found this helpful

Yes, you have to stop letting her watch them alone...it is clear. Try to be as kind as possible,but know that you are likely going to hurt some feelings. It is sad that you have to do this, but your children's safety comes before anyone's feelings...

2 moms found this helpful

The safety of your children is first and foremost. If you do not feel they are safe in your MIL's care when she is alone with them, you need to do something. It might ruffle some feathers, but what if something happened to your beloved children? It's not worth it. Trust your instincts. Don't worry about being called a "b." Your husband needs to understand that you value your MIL wanting to spend time with the kids (and make sure she still sees them for quality time if she is not babysitting), but that you want to have someone who is healthier and more capable of taking care of two active babies. They are only going to get more active and become more difficult for her to handle as time goes on. Find someone you can rely on and trust to babysit and tell Grandma she is welcome to visit, but not babysit. It might hurt some feelings, but in the end, she might actually be relieved.

1 mom found this helpful

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