October 17, 2007,
B.R. asks from San Antonio, TX on October 11, 2007
I Dont Get Along with My Mother in Law
Every since my son was born ( July 06) my mother in law and I have not gotton along. We pretend to and it does not work. It started when I was giving birth and she wanted her whole family to be in the labor room. I was not ok with that. So ever since then she has been nothing but rude to me and my family. Then sortly after the birht we moved in with my parents while we where building a home. She would not vist but yell at my husband for never seeing the baby. When we would vist she would be rude to me ignor me. Even ignor my wishes for my baby when she would be with him. My son is now over a year old and we still have this tension and cant carry on a converstation, or feel natural around eachother. My husband is on the last straw with this issue. He is in th middle of this. But when I do try to talk to her or be nice she is so rude. I even give her very nice gifts or celberations and she said something ugly or rude. She is very disrecptful at times and when she is I just leave. Even if we are only there for 10 min I tell him that we have to go home. I dont know what to do anymore.
J.A. answers from San Antonio on October 12, 2007
B. I am so sorry for your pain. My own mother left the hospital before my son was born cause she didnt get her way in the delivery room. That was your moment. No one elses. Its a very private moment. She really needs to get over it. She shouldnt be holding a grudge about it. Its time your hubby steps up to the plate and puts a stop to this bitterness. He needs to tell his mom that it was your and his decision on who was in the delivery room. It was your and your hubbys private momemt. The celebration of a child being born for the family comes afterwards. Not in the delivery room with your legs propped up in stirups. So come on hubby! Step Up! Tell mom to chill out already. Holding a grudge is not going to change what happened. Move on. Be a women mom.
D.L. answers from Austin on October 13, 2007
B. this is an unfortunate situation. I think you need to sit down and talk to her and say, I know there has been tension with us since Ethans birth. I need to know why you are not treating me the same as you did prior to having him. Just get it out in the open that you are aware of the tension. Get her attention and make it known that your husband is very unhappy with this situation. So she knows it is not just you seeing it. Tell her this needs to end, and explain your wishes were nothing against her many people dont want a whole sloo of people in the delivery room. (Only me and my fiance were in the delivery room). Explain that it is hard to concentrate on the surroundings when there are lots of people talking it can get confusing. I know we just wanted a relaxed calm quite environment. I wish you the best of luck. Let us know how this unravels.
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M.V. answers from College Station on October 13, 2007
Mothers in law are a challenge sometimes.
First remember that though she is your husband's mother, she is not your son's mother.
If she cannot be respectful to you infront of your son, do not go to her home. Your husband can take him for a visit, but do not let her be rude to you infront of your child, because he will see that and think it is ok to treat mommy that way.
What do you mean she does not respect your wishes when she is with your son? Is she offering small treats, this is granma's joy, to treat or spoil their grandchildren.
IF she is offering him unhealthy foods that ruin his appetite for a meal or you are concerned about his health, then ask her again or visit after meals.
Stop giving her gifts, it was your labor and delivery, you in a condition that many would agree was not suitable for visitors, no need to apologize.
She has the problem, let her get over it. IF you continue to try to appease her, you will just add fuel to the flames.
Know that your husband loves her and you and that having the two of you disputing is uncomfortable for him, but you do not have to beg for her approval.
S.B. answers from San Antonio on October 17, 2007
I understand your fustrations with your mother-n-law. I get along with mine for everyone's sake, although her know-it-all attitude drives me bananas! Anyway...this is how I believe you should handle this. Without your kids or husband or anyone else around sit down with her and openly discuss your feelings about what is going on. I did that and it really seemed to help ALOT! I just explained how I was feeling and she did the same and it helped.
Even if it doesn't at least YOU made the effort to make things better. In your husband's eyes he will see that you are trying to make things better. Is it possible that you can be over-reacting to her inappropriate communications? Maybe she doesn't mean to be coming across rude, maybe she doesn't realize what she is doing??
I hope you can get this settled for your kids sake and yours.
M.R. answers from McAllen on October 15, 2007
Just a Thought... talk to her with your husband in the same room and let her know that you were raised a certain way and nothing will change that... apologize for not letting her bring the whole family in the delivery room, but that in your family its personal.... let her know that it wasn't to make her mad or to disrespect her... that's just the way you were raised and nothing it going to change that... remind her that you are married to her son and she has a grandson... make it ALL about her... sometimes m-i-l feel left out, because her son will not be there anymore... maybe let your husband go visit her alone, and take the baby... no its not to leave you out or anything... just to try to make her understand that YOU are a part of him now and you would like for all of your family to be a part of eachother... I hope this makes sense and it helps
T.S. answers from Longview on October 13, 2007
While many people have been in your shoes, few seem to have worked it amicably.
My suggestion is to
1. Sit down and talk with hubby about it. First ask him what he thinks about the situation and how he feels. Then ask him if he has any suggestions on how to mend things. Hear him out first. He is the one caught in the middle.
2. Then you can make a list of his suggestions.
3. Air your side of it in as unemotional (no crying or yelling) way as possible. Men really like to hear the logical side of things and talk calmly.
4. Make your suggestions on how to solve the problem and add those to the list.
5. Go through the list together and decide in order of what to try first. Try to come up with at least 3 things you can do together to work on this problem.
6. Implement the plan.
[ My suggestions are- wife talks to MIL and asks her what specifically the mil finds offensive about the wife, her wifely duties, and her mothering duties. Have pen and paper ready where she can see it. ;-) . Then see if you can work on one thing and if she is willing to talk and work on things on her end.
If that does not work, then I suggest the hubby talk to his mother and say the same things. But in the process he needs to make it clear to his mom that he married you and not your clone. He needs to make it clear that he does not need her approval for his families way of doing things.]
Finally when MIl is in your home, your house rules apply no matter what. Kids may stay up to visit but they still brush their teeth, don't drink soda, or whatever you rules you have in place.
When in her house, her rules apply except regarding the safety and health of your child. Compromise and let little things roll off your back.
For instance my MIL would feed the kids left over fried chicken for lunch and although dd did not like it, I told her to eat what was served. But I did reheat it for them and she sneered at that, but I told her I personally don't like cold chicken and do not mind heating it for them. I did not make an issue of it and she did not either, although she did make her feelings known. I don't care if she does that. You have to have tough skin. ;-) She is not hitting on my parenting skills, just saying I am spoiling my kids a bit much, which is just fine if she wants to think that. LOL
G.B. answers from San Antonio on October 13, 2007
I know what you are going threw. I also have a mother-inlaw who I don't get along with and also would ignore my wishes when it came to treatment of my son. The only thing I could tell you is to either be direct w/her and tell her that it really bothers you at how rude she can and you don't want the tension between you and her. Don't be rude or confrontational when you speak to her because she will (assuming)take it defensively. Make sure that when you don't like something she is doing to or with your son that you let her know because we are that parents of our children and we are here to take care of and raise them the way we see fit not the way our inlaws do.
F.G. answers from Austin on October 13, 2007
I understand exactly how you feel. My mother in law was hard to get along with for a long time. But your husband must understand that he is NOT in the middle of this, you are. It does not matter what his mother does or says. You are his wife. You are the mother of his child. When you married eachother you left your families and became as one. And so it must be with this issue. When his mother does something rude to you, she is disrespecting him as well. I am sure he has had enough, but it is up to him to say something to her. It is not your place. This is his mother.
The only thing you can do is remain sweet to her, and try to be respectful. Remember, you are teaching your child how to respect his elders and so you must do this by example. You should never speak a wrong word about her around your son and you must show him how to be kind even to those that hurt him.
Your husband must stand up for you with his mother. You are his wife. You are the one he must put on a pedestal. If his mother is rude to you and you are trying to be sweet to her, then you are not in the wrong. I hope that your husband can understand his place in this and not put you in the middle of his family's drama. If he leaves this to you then it will only put resentment in your marriage and drive a wedge between the two of you. I wish you the best of luck and blessings. I hope that his mother can understand how much better it would be if she would just let it go.