I Can't Handle All the Whining and Complaining!!!!

I teach a workshop about signing to songs :) I'm an interpreter and ASL instructor :)

anywho, i don't know what you tried. My mother always just said "I don't negotiate with terrorists". She stepped over us if we were throwing a tantrum and walked into another room. When we could talk plainly, we could come back.

With my son, he gets whiny when he gets frusterated or doesnt' get to do what he wants to do. So when he asks for something whiny i say "I can't understand you when you're whining." and then go about my business. If he continues, i send him to his room until he "gets the whinies out".

When that doesnt' work or it gets to be too much, I send him to his room and tell him that I am not going to listen to whining.

I think you just have to be tough as a parent. When you tell them that there is a consequence, you have to stand firm and let them know you are not going to tollerate that behavior. It also gives me about 5 minutes of peace and quiet :)

We need to know how old he is. If he's three, he'll outgrow it. If he's 6, is he acting this way at school?

I like a lot of the suggestions you have already gotten - he might need some one-on-one attention, he might need to talk to a counselor because of the recent big changes in his life, ignore the whining, etc.

One of things I wanted to mention is that he could have sensory integration issues. Since you mentioned that he complained about the road being too bumpy... Sounds like he gets easily frustrated and upset. It could be that he is already at a high level of frustration due to some sensory issues and then any little thing sets him off. I would get him diagnosed by an occupational or sensory integration therapist.

Lastly, red food coloring made my son like this. You might want to consider taking red food coloring out of his diet (or all food colorings) and see if that makes a difference.

Sounds like he has more trouble handling frustration than other kids and he gets irritable over little things. This could be his personality or it could be something more. I'm a psychologist who works with children and families, and no matter what the reason, it sounds like you guys might benefit from seeing a psychologist or counselor who can evaluate the situation and offer concrete suggestions for dealing with the behavior and help you decide if he should see a counselor himself. Usually a combination of both is really helpful. Let me know if you need referrals - I'd suggest someone who has a behavioral or "cognitive behavioral" point of view - someone who helps you to view how your reactions can stop or perpetuate behaviors as well as how his thoughts and feelings contribute to his behavior. If you don't go with that point of view, you're much less likely to see results. It sounds like you also feel strongly connected to your faith, so your therapist should understand that as well and help you pull on that for strength, as I'm sure you already do! :-) God bless, L.

I think I responded to your last request, but I have a few more ideas. First of all you only mention 2 kids, and you say that you are recently married. So I am assuming that before this marriage that your son was an only child. It is a big adjustment to suddenly have a brother, so close in age. So not only did he go from being an only child, he is now no longer the oldest so you have messed with the birth order as well. I know that we all want to treat each of our kids equally, but they can't all be treated the 'same'. They aren't the same, so we need to treat them as individuals.

I am a big book reader and the two that I have read most recently are 'Personality Plus' by Florence Littauer and 'The Five Love Languages of children" I believe this is by Gary Smalley, but I could be wrong. He may have some ligitimate concerns, and just doesn't know how to express them in an appropriate manner. You say that he whines when he DOESN'T get his way, but does he EVER get his own way? Could you possibly be showering your new stepson with more attention to 'win him over'? I don't want to step on any toes, but it is something to think about. If you determine that there really is NO good reason for the whinning, I would just stop responding to him when he speaks to you in a whinny voice. Or respond with "whinning is not an acceptable form of communication", it lets him know that you hear him, but will not respond to his request until he changes his tone.

It sounds like your son has had some major changes in his life lately, and he may just need a little extra attention from you and the whinning is getting the attention.

I love John Rosemond in the newspaper each week. He is so wise and has simple answers. It's time for some new rules at your house. Tell your son that he is obviously tired if he continues to whine about everything. Dr. John Rosemond recommends that he go to bed 30 minutes earily each if he whines. The first time he whines, it's 30 minutes earlier. If he whines, add another 30 minutes. He doesn't have to go to sleep but he will have to go his room and be quiet...no computer games, nintendo or other electronics. He can only read a book or sleep. It shouldn't take more than a week or so. Good luck. We'll be praying for you.

I am the mother of a 26 yr old son, who has special needs. After working in a preschool for 9 yrs and teaching a 4 yr old Sunday school class, I understand your pain with whining. It will drive you crazy.

The whining and complaining can definitely be the door to insanity. But, as you know, with God's help you can regain the peace of mind that you once knew. I am a Christian therapeutic foster parent. We have two 9 year old boys at the present one of which has the same problem. The best remedy is to show him he can't have his way. You are the adult and he is the child. If God gave us everything we asked for when we asked for it -there would be no need for faith. If we complained when God didn't give us what we wanted - I am afraid it fell on deaf ears because HE knows what is best for us - we are in the learning mode. It sounds to me like your child is used to getting what he wants and you are conforming to what his demands are because he continually does it. A firm handle on things is a must here. Time outs work in foster care. Also, take away the thing that means the most to him for a couple of days. BE CONSISTENT!!!!! Consistency is vital in the raising of a child. Once they know that your "YES means YES, and your NO means NO" (James 5:12) then you should be seeing a difference. Children feed on mistakes that the parents make. It is also important that they know adults can make mistakes but that we recognize it and correct it therefore, you have to correct their mistakes for them because they don't have the knowledge to do so on their own. One day it will click. Until then - wear a hat so you don't pull all your hair out"

You did not mention the age of Joshua, M., so I will just say -Sometimes a child does not know how to communicate so they try anything. He may actually have a pain, headache, toothache, ears, throat or stomach. He feels miserable and just wants to share that feeling with you. This is just a guess, but worth a thought, I hope.
J.

Does he whine and complain about everything when he's with other people or just with you? Does he whine to Grandma, his teachers, friends' parents, etc.? I agree with the other people who mentioned that he may be struggling to find his place since you are newly married and he now has a step-brother. Just a thought (one a psychologist suggested to me): Could you carve out some time for just you and him to do some things together and (this is important) call it "Joshua time"? Doesn't matter what you do. I took my daughter to the grocery store with me, called it her time and she felt special. Could even be you just label things you're already doing as his special time, like reading at bedtime, playing a game with just him, etc. Seems like he is whining because he wants more of your attention. Good luck!

Dont' know if I responded before, but you definitely need to learn the 5 love languages and 'speak' your son's own language to him. He's evidently NOT getting enough of something (or getting too much of the wrong thing). The languages can be looked up by typing in Gary Chapman Love Languages. In a nutshell, everyone has one or two primary needs to feel that their 'love tank' is filled. Here they are:

>Receiving gifts (self-explanatory)
>Words of Affirmation (being encouraged and praised for what they DO [NOT how they look or things that they aren't responsible for])
>Quality time (spent with them 'one-on-one', preferrably doing something they like)
>Acts of service (little services rendered to make their life more pleasant).
>Physical touch (a pat, rub, snuggle, hug, kiss, playing with/combing their hair, etc)

M.~ no mom raises her child to be whinny. Lol. Even christian moms have problems with children. It isn't funny, but it is an old addage. Reading your story it seems that he is disrespectful to his "step" brother. There i itself can be a problem. There are new people in his extended family, and he has to share his mommy with another boy that isn't his "real" brother. There is a jealousy thing going on in your home. Have you ever heard of "bad" attention is better then "no" attention? I think your son is trying to keep complaining cause at least you are paying attention when he does. Need to find something the brothers can do together without competion between the two. Eventually, he will see no matter how he whines, his other brother is not leaving !!!! Maybe you and your husband can start having familt meetings at the table when everyone is close and will listen. Tell them bible stories and see which one can remember the most facts. Make it a game, and he will have to stop whinning in order to hear. Lol. This is the opinion of a lady minister/nurse/granny,too.lol. God brings people in our lives for just a season. Enjoy it. Where do you go to church? Have a blessed and peaceful week-end.

There are two scenarios that popped into my mind.

First, he may have some underlying thing that makes him feel bad. A friend of mine has children with "food issues" we'll call them. I don't know the extent of it, but when her oldest daughter was born, she would scream constantly, and it turned out to be that she was allergic to eggs, which my friend ate every morning for breakfast, and it was getting into her breastmilk and causing a negative reaction in the baby. Even at 6 y/o, the child is still allergic to eggs -- they make her feel bad in one way or another, and if she eats them becomes whiny or starts crying because she feels bad. This same girl also gets migraines from bananas. When she was a pre-verbal toddler, my friend thought she was just whiny and needed to be disciplined; but once the baby was old enough to talk, she complained about her head hurting and her tummy hurting, etc. SO, you may need to rule out food issues. I've heard a lot of people having similar problems with their children that were related to food additives (particularly artificial food colorings -- oh, and I just recently read that the bright blue food dye has some people swearing it helps their migraines, so if one food dye can cure a headache, another one might cause one, or otherwise negatively affect a person).

On the other hand, my son sounds kinda like yours (except younger; but my sister's son is right about your son's age, and he whines terribly, and I'm *determined* that he not end up like that). I've switched up his diet, and that hasn't seemed to affect it one bit. Most of the time, he's a happy child, but then when something doesn't go his way, a lot of times he just bursts out into tears and/or whining. I think I've fed into that, although I didn't intend to. When he was little, he was a lot more clingy and whiny and needy than my older son, and I would comfort him a lot more... and I think even as he outgrew the "baby" stage where that was appropriate, I didn't outgrow the "babying" stage like I should have. :-/ So, it's been a harder row to hoe, to get him to have an appropriate response -- instead of bursting into tears or whining because his train track broke in one place, to try to train him to have the attitude of "it's no big deal" and "let's see if I can fix it" instead.

Basically, I've decided that he has gotten accustomed to getting the response he wants from me ("oh, you poor baby, come to mama"; or just any attention from me) by whining and crying (again, age-appropriate for an infant who can only express himself by crying, but not as an older child), and if I continue to give the response he's looking for, he's going to keep doing the same behavior. So, I'm using a two-pronged approach with his whining. First, I'm trying to teach him that whining and crying over everything is not acceptable (verbal reprimands mostly, and spanking if it's really over the top) and then model the behavior I want from him: "No, Seth, don't cry when your cookie breaks! Just say, 'Oh, dear, my cookie broke!'" -- that sort of thing. If children (or adults for that matter) continue to get positive reinforcement in either good or bad habits, they will continue in that; if they get a negative response (one they dislike), they will change their ways.

Hi M., I don't know how old your son is, but I have a whinner. He does have some anxiety issues and probably a little spoiled (smiles). He is older now (10) and it is better, it's part of his character, I think. What has helped is that I try (as hard as it is) to ignore his negative reactions and I praise and reward for the positive stuff he does. Sometimes I have to look real hard (smiles), but he eats it up. He thrives on rewards, so I always have something that he really, really likes, something he really wants. Hang in there, keep praying for patience and wisdom. I know how you feel.

I had a 6 year old whiner. I told her that when she talked like that I would ignore her. I reminded her of it a couple of times that I couldn't hear her when she talked like that. But, mostly i just ingnored her, it was really hard, but worked in about 3 day. hope you find something that works. God Bless.

M., you seem to have a wide variety of good suggestions I will just add that be careful of the TV shows that he watches.... meaning I didn't realize that shows that were on PBS like Cailou (sp) and Dragon Tales actually encouraged that behavior... they actually WHINE when they talk. So we started forbidding those shows in our home. I am already selective in any TV but.. who would have thought a children's show on PBS would have an affect on my child. You also can point out EXACTLY when the child is whining. You can also tell him that is not how to get your attention as you can't understand him when he talks like that. Make him talk to you correctly and then make that a time that he has your attention.
You don't say how long you have been married nor how old Joshua is.. some of it is age appropriate as well.

Remember M. to do what is BEST for YOU and YOUR family.

I understand where you're at, whining drives me up the wall. I noticed in the profile portion that you mentioned you're newly married, have you considered this may be the trigger. It's a huge change for kids no matter how much they like their stepparent. I don't know your exact situation but consider, how has decision making changed about what you do or don't get to do, have their been changes in the way you focus your attention or how your house is run. I am a stepparent and my stepson and I get a long fantasticly, but I've been married to his dad for five years, and some spots are easier than others. I don't do things the same way that his mom does and his dad and I don't do things the same as when he was single. We don't tolerate whining either but it's much easier to talk to them when you have an idea of what might be going on inside even when they're not always sure. It'll always get better with time but figuring out the cause may help things get better for the long run

Hi M.,

Whining is a normal kid behavior, but it really pushes my buttons too. It's the worst! But, I doubt your son needs counseling for whining or being mean. He has probably noticed how much it annoys you, and so he's using it as a power play. With my 3-year-old son, I simply tell him I can't understand what he's saying unless he's using a big boy voice (this is my strategy for the recent baby-talk phase--I hated that too). And then I ignore his whining until he changes his tone of voice. Your son will know that you can tell what he's saying, but it's your frank refusal to acknowledge the behavior that causes it to lose its power.

I highly recommend any of the Love and Logic books to help you cope with and guide your child to change his normal but super annoying kid behaviors. I'm a Christian myself, and while these books are not Christian books, per se, they're written from that perspective. Just search for Love and Logic on Amazon.com

Best wishes!

negative attention is better than no attention. Perhaps he is jealous of the new man in your life. Ignore him and go about whatever you plan to do, but maybe leave him with someone. When he realizes whining means not going, he may change his attitude. If he whines and gets his way, it's working for him. Even the Bible say "spare the rod, spoil the child". Spanking is not a sin. Good luck and God Bless.

You need to ignore him and follow Kari's advice. My fourth son whined when he was a toddler, and that's exactly how our family, friends and us responded. It worked! I know listening to whining is very frustrating, and you want to tune it out, so go ahead!

Btw, my "whiner" is now a successful college sophomore who still talks all the time, but now it's analysis. He wants to get his Ph.D. in religious studies.

You mentioned that you are newly married. Even though it may be a positive change it is still a change for your child. It could be a way for him to seek attention and cope with the changes that have come about. Since you are active in your church are you children active with the youth? If the behavior happens in that setting as well would another adult that works with the youth (or youth minister) be willing to talk to him and possibly get to the reason for the whining.

When I taught preschool and had a whiner, we would explain to the child what the behavior was. After they understood we would gently remind the child of the whining and then if the behavior continues we would go to time out, etc...

Good Luck!

M.,

It would be so easy to point to "bad" parenting as the problem. However, reading your bio and a brief mention in your email about a step brother makes me think there may be other issues going on to cause this behavior.

Questions for you to consider..........What steps have you taken to stop this whining behavior? Have you consistently NOT given in to the whining? Have you explained and modeled acceptable ways for him to speak? What consequences have you used to deter the whining? The answers to these questions could direct you to understanding if the behavior is due to you not parenting consistently.

However, I suspect much more is going on with your son. I really wonder if he would benefit from couselling. A devorce and new marriage with the addition of new siblings can be a lot of stress and change in a little one's life. It might be that he is feeling that he has been displaced in your heart and your life. As mothers, we understand very well that this isn't possible. Our children are first in our lives. However, your son may not feel this way. In reality, he may not fully understand why he is behaving the way does. It could be a big benefit for him to have a psychologist or couselor that he could talk with.

Peace and Joy,
K. A.
http://www.creativetutors.com/northcarolina/blog1.php

I would start by making him 'earn' his privledges and his fun time. I would start ignoring his outbursts and whining and walk away the next time he does it and tell him that you do not listen to whining. I would take away important toys until he can behave normally and until he can treat his brother with respect. I read an article by a child psychologist once and he said that you start small by having a serious conversation telling this child that his behavoir is not acceptable and that he will change it as of today. If he does not, he will live as unhappy as he is making everyone else. He said to take away all toys from his room and he is not to play with friends or go fun places. You do this for one month and as he behaves, he can earn back his privledges. He said that after 2-3 weeks the child should learn to behave and be respectful. You have to make it clear that you will not tolerate this behavior and once you make it CLEAR, he will change. Good luck!

You must start "getting to know" John Rosemond. He has the most excellent books, which are entertaining to read, about child rearing. He will totally guide you in changing this kid's attitude. You can read his weekly newspaper column on his website, rosemond.com, and his books are also on amazon. Whining should cost your kid. I've recently started "charging" 100 weeds to be pulled for my kid who feels a need to tattle all day long about his younger brother. He racked up 400 weeds over the weekend, and pulled 200 last night, and has 200 to go this morning. It has definitely cut way down on the tattling. Be creative and think of what is most dear to your son, and take it away (tell him before hand) if he doesn't get control of his whining. For instance, the first time he whines for the day (after you tell him that there will be no whining), take away tv, or video games, or his favorite toy or activity, and make him earn it back by not whining for a full day or whatever.

M.,

As a an "on fire for God Christian" then you should know that if you spare the rod you spoil the child. My 8 year old went through a phase where he whined about everythng up until he was 6. It sounds a lot like what your son is doing now. Nothing made that child happy. I tolerated it until I got pregnant with my youngest son and didn't want him to pick up on the whining and also, I knew that having a newborn and a whiney 7 year old wasn't going to get it and I wasn't going to lose my mind over it. So I nipped it immediately. Everytime he would whine I would fore warn him to stop and that if he did it again he'd get a spanking. Buddy, he only got about 2-3 spankings for whining before he realized he didn't need to be doing it. I just refused to tolerate it and once he understood that I didn't like it nor was I going to put up with it he stopped. It's all in what you allow him to do. If you allow him to continue whining for no reason then you have no one but you to blame for it. I say nip it in the bud and discipline him how you see fit when he does it. And don't be one of these parents that try to "reason" with their child. I don't "reason" with mine. They know to do what I say and they know what I will and will not allow. Now, my method (spanking) is not the popular method but I too am a God serving Christian and fully believe that a spanking will do a child good when they deserve it. Your choice of discipline is up to you but some way or another he needs to know that whining is not going to be tolerated by you at all.

SMACK HIM! just kidding...how old is he? is he 4 or 12? that makes a big difference. it could just be the age i know most days my 5 year olds whinning makes me want to snap. talk to your doctor see if she thinks something needs to be addressed further. until then IGNORE IT do not talk to him when hes whinning. it works wonders for some reason. remember keep your cool

Try everything for a few days at least before deciding what works. Time out, spanking, taking away stuff, losing fun activities, making them write out things like why did i do this and why is it wrong, even writing out bible verses. I did a little of each until I figured it out. Its not easy, its tedious. Also if you can videotape it and show it to them or record it on yur cell phone or a recorder and play it back to them, they hate that. Don't speak, look, respond to them at all when they do it. If they do something like throw a fit, knock over something then pick them up and move them somewhere safe, but don't speak to them. My son was a touchy/over-sensitive kid so shirt labels and normal things drove him crazy. He is ADHD and now he just drives US crazy. Also I used the water bottle technique where you fill it up with very cold water and when they start you spray them directly in the face but put it on stream and not spray. My kids hated that and it worked for us. Get a doctors opinion. I don't know the age so thats all I can offer. The tape recording thing worked great for us because they were embarrased and even worse you can let others see it right in front of the child and its embarrassing. Good Luck. God Bless.