'I Cant Do It' When She Can....

Some of the other moms have nibbled at a solution. Newer research into children's motivation has revealed a surprising fact that really makes sense when you think about it:

Praising kids for "being" good, smart, beautiful, clever, talented, adorable, good at something – for "being" anything, sets them up for having to disappoint you at some point. The more perfect, smart or wonderful they come to believe they are IN YOUR EYES, the more anxious they can become about not being able to live up to that assessment. This can emotionally paralyze bright, earnest children. They KNOW they also sometimes behave in ways that are stubborn, lazy, mean, and dumb. Everybody does.

So our delightful, wonderful, talented children need a more realistic way to please us (and at least as importantly, to please themselves). The way they can do that is simply to be willing to try, to make an attempt, to work at learning new skills or getting better at old ones. Failure is actually a wonderful thing to experience, because it means they've tried.

It's fine to say something like:

I love the effort you put into that.
Wow, look at that drawing. Tell me how you chose those colors!
I see you're still working on that trick. I'll bet YOU'RE proud of how much you've been improving.
Yep, sometimes I feel sad too when things didn't go as I hoped. Guess it just needs more practice.
Hey, you've been improving on throwing accuracy since the last time we played catch!
Let's see if the "A" you wrote this week looks better than this page from last week. Oh, look at these angles! I can tell you've been practicing.

This is a normal enough stage for kids who are bright and empathetic. Fortunately, we can help them through those tender and unrealistic feelings.

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Ah, the sensitive perfectionist! My 8 year old daughter was exactly this way as well. Age and experience will help this some. I did notice that issues were worst if she hadn't got her full allotment of sleep the night before so during Kindergarten (and really. most of 1st grade) NOTHING, but NOTHING changed bedtime.

Also, acting out situations that made her upset, to give her a skill set to work from helped. For example, if she felt teased (which was her word she used when someone else was perceived to be doing something better than her--and having the audacity to tell her so) we would act out how she could react without getting upset with us taking turns playing the parts. That still comes in handy now, in 2nd grade, with a girl who is a bit of a bully, and acting out how to handle her.

Teachers comment how mature she is now, and that was not the case two years ago, when I think the teachers, at least privately, counted their blessings if a day went by that she didn't cry. :)

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I think it is okay to let her have her reaction to stress, while being supportive of how she genuinely feels and at the same encouraging her. An example could be saying to her "I see that you are very upset about this right now, and when you feel ready to try again I am happy to help you." Children learn things, and forget them too under stress. It doesn't have to be major life crisis type of stress, just the daily wear and tear is stressful. Have you ever just had one of those days at work when nothing extraordinary happened, but yet during your day you may have thought, "Man, I just can't do this today." But since you are an adult you have learned to curb that impulse to quit by internalizing those emotions. Your daughter is still young and has many more years to learn this social skill:)

I am currently taking an Early Childhood Math and Science course, and have written down this quote passed on to me by the instructor to keep in mind why it is so important to have patience when children seem to forget the things you teach them, and why it is important to reteach the same concepts in hands-on ways throughout the whole year:

"New concepts are not learned, but only in temporary custody."

Good-luck:)

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I agree with so many people! With both of my kids, I make it clear that I "love them forever, no matter what." They can recite it to me by this stage, and with my daughter, especially, I've been helping her decide what SHE thinks, not immediately offer what I think when she asks. I let her spend time on her strengths, but also work with her on what she isn't so good at (math, at the moment), being careful not to place value on HER, but on the SKILL, as we work.

I know this sounds weird, but you might consider an extra half hour of sleep at night. My son is in kindergarten, and the first few months were really hard on him, but I started putting him to bed at 7:30 (both of my kids were going to bed at 8 or 8:15), and it made a WORLD of difference for him. Transition to kindergarten is hard... and if your child is not the type to sleep in (my kids don't), it might also have a positive effect on her feelings.

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She is still 4. She may need a little break. Sounds like she is very bright and loves to learn, but now that things may be getting a little harder, she is so worried about trying the new things coming up she is not willing able to even try.

Our daughter was/is still like this. She is now at an Ivy league College on Academic scholarship (we do not know how she could possibly be related to the rest of us), but she still has the same worries she did at the age of 4. Last night she said she was worried about an essay.. I sent her a note "Just do your best, breath and have a cup of tea." We have ALWAYS told her, "as long as you do your best we will be proud of you."

One thing we discovered in 4th grade was that she had never really failed or did anything "wrong" at school.. But one day at the table she sat at, all 4 girls lost points for the day for not turning in their homework.. They all burst into tears.. The teacher asked them what was the problem, they could earn the points back.. They all said they had NEVER lost points! I spoke with the teacher and she said those 4 girls were such perfectionist, but they had been talking when the homework was given out.. Long story short, the Teacher took away points from herself for having a messy desk.
Each day when points were given out, the students were able to give or take away the points from the teacher based on the same criteria as the students.. This showed our daughter , that no one is perfect, everybody has trouble understanding or learning some things and that this is ok..

I also began showing her mistakes in print,, Newspapers, magazines, spelling on outdoor signs.. When m,y husband and I made mistakes, we would mention it to her also. It seemed to take the weight off of her.

Show your daughter that everybody is still learning and trying new things and as long as you try and do your best, it is ok..

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Wow, I don't have any great advice, but she sounds like a perfectionist. Some perfectionists are reluctant to try anything because getting it perfect is so daunting. If this seems to be the case with her, maybe you can research strategies for raising a perfectionist -- there's got to be some books on the issue.

My shot in the dark is that the best thing you can do is to keep reinforcing it to her that she can, that her efforts are good, that she doesn't have to be perfect all the time, that you're so proud of her when she tries. I've read that surrounding children with real-life stories about people who had to fight hard in life is a very good idea. If there are people in your family or close circle with those kinds of stories, tell them to her, often, outside of the context of her "crumpling" over something. Maybe it will kind of sink in over time that trying is just as important (or more) as being perfect.

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she is having a hard time to adjust to the new envionrment. maybe she had been getting appraised for all she has accomplished (which is great) and doesn't like the fact that other aren't doing the same. this will take time to adjust but i believe with your support and others this phase will fade. i wish you luck... and from me let her know i think she is a smart girl.

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There's a fascinating chapter in the book "nurture shock" about this exact problem and what seems to create it and help it. Peg M talked some about it, and how new research is showing a strong "inverse power of praise." we need to learn how to praise our kids differently than were used to. I highly recommend picking up the book and reading that section (and the whole book!).

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The same thing happened to my daughter in kindergarten. I think some of it has to do with not used to not being the "best" at everything. Competition is tough! But, being the best you can be is all you can, and my daughter had to learn that on her own basically. We talked about it and how some kids might read better, sometimes they might even have something that she likes better or they might "say" their stuff is better, but that doesn't make it true! She has to learn not to be literal with all things. Its a hard process and her first half of kindergarten brought lots of tears and 1st grade started it again a bit but she got over it fairly quickly. Give her practice ...if she says "someone said their shirt was prettier than mine" you say "well, what did you say to her"...maybe give a little advice as you go into the conversation.."You know, if I was you I would maybe tell her you like both shirts but you like yours best because its "purple (or whatever favorite color or pattern or whatever). Anyway, it might help if you can gently nudge her to be more responsive if you can simply go over what happened and advise her for the next encounter. Be prepared to have to repeat yourself..and be patient. She's just in a very literal stage right now and is easily bent out of shape by seemingly harmless stuff. Part of it is I think that once in school we only have one real advocate for several students..the teacher (at least in the eyes of the child). So, she feels a little negated perhaps when she gets put down, or is criticized and maybe even will take things out of context because no one is there to always explain it to her. She also can learn "if I don't know ask". "I cannot do it " is not acceptable. If she says "I cannot do it" say "Well, how can I help" but refuse to "do it" for her. Maybe its holding the knot down so she can tie the bow on her shoe. Maybe it's writing the word correctly on some scratch paper for her to copy onto her own paper. But don't do it for her, and don't let others either. :) Good luck! And of course praise her when she does well, but try to leave out "you are the BEST at this or that" for awhile :) (Or maybe more toned down "you are the best at THAT particular thing in the whole family I think" or something.

She is 4. Sounds like a little too much going on for a 4-year old. Little sweetie. Look for ways to help her world. You probably are. God bless.