I Asked My Husband to Leave This Morning

I'm sorry. I can relate in that I'm the one to lose my cool too and then get blamed even when I didn't start something etc. have you tried some books? I got Divorce Buster a few yrs ago and it helped. And have you tried walking away? I can do that now. When it's getting bad, say time out. Nonviolent Communication is also a great book. Nothing to do with hitting etc. all these things have helped us. You guys will be ok.

It doesn't sound like you guys agreed on whether he should play the game. You saying no in front of him is not agreement. After all would you have liked for him to stand up in front of your son and argue with you there?

He should have come to you after your son wasn't around and said, hey, I think he is old enough. He didn't and it is the why you need to figure out.

Is it because he is trying to undermine you or do you play the mom card and diminish his opinion?

At least in my opinion you guys have done this for a while so that the pattern is set and is starting to wear on both of you. This is just my guess but you make the decision and assume he is on board. He says nothing if he disagrees because it will always cause a fight. He lets the kids do what he feels is best. Sometimes you react, sometimes you don't. So you have taught him that if he disagrees with you it is best to say nothing and you have a 50% chance of nothing happening if he goes against your wishes.

How you make the change is identifying how you contribute to the pattern. Then you present it to him as I see I am doing .... and this isn't working. Lets figure out how to fix it. Without throwing blame on him he should be able to identify where he is going wrong as well and hopefully you can work out a better way to disagree.

You asked him to leave so hopefully, you will both spend some of the time reflecting on what happened.
In marriages, many times the things we argue about are only a symptom of something else.
You both need to get into counseling now to work on your marriage.
You may find this hard to believe, but with work, it can be as simple as breaking your communication patterns and forming new ones.
My husband and I had the best marriage counselor. He was so amazing. He was all about communication. I learned so much from him.

One thing that's really important is to not assume that just because you state something that the other person understands your position on something. Also, we all have little triggers that can set us off and we can fall into negative patterns. To me, it sounds like that's what happens with you and your husband. Because it's been that way for so many years and perhaps getting worse, it may take a little more work to change those patterns, but it IS possible.
If YOU have a temper and you know that about yourself, realize it's okay to give YOURSELF a time out. Not as a "punishment", but take a bit of time to decompress instead of letting things escalate. Your husband should have the same option. "I don't want to fight with you. I don't want to say something I don't mean. I need to take some time and we can talk about this later when we're not so in the moment over it."

The other reason counseling is important is because it can help you address old resentments that have built up without going for each other's throats over something like your son being allowed to play a game that the two of you don't agree on.
I mean no offense, I really don't because you're already upset enough, but asking your husband to leave after words exchanged over something involving your son is just not a good thing to do. Kids can blame themselves when their parents don't get along enough as it is.
I understand you feel trapped and disrespected, but I am pretty sure your son is thinking, "My parents got in a HUGE fight because of me."

I'm a child of divorce and trust me, when my parents fought, I was pretty sure it was because my room wasn't clean enough or my grades weren't good enough or I didn't set the table right. Their arguments had nothing to do with me, but little kids think that way.

After many years of struggling with feelings and communication, it's helpful to understand that there doesn't have to be a right way or a wrong way, just a DIFFERENT way. And, work toward that goal.
Wounds don't heal from the outside first, they heal from the inside.
I really think counseling can help you deal with festering wounds and the occasional flare-ups.

Your marriage is worth changing the patterns.
I wish you the very best.

Sorry to hear this darling! NO woman deserve's to be disrespected and same goes for men. Being married or in a commited relationship there should be communication and not constant fighting. But fighting and arguing over a game isn't worth making him leave (sorry, just my opinion). I have had the same problem in the past, my 9 year old son wants that modern war fare game and is always telling me about his friends bragging about it and playing the game, my hubby told me to just buy it for him and I told him NO. That game is NOTHING but violance, really bad! My 31 year old brother has it and also told me to NOT get it for my son, he explained the game to me and told me that its really bad and that in the game there's a part where the gamer has to "snap" the neck of the "bad guy" and that you can literally hear it snap! I told my husband and then he finally understood why I said no.
One thing I will say is that if you both are constantly arguing then the best thing to do is seek marriage counseling. You express how you love him and im sure he feel's the sameway but there may just be that lack of communication in understanding eachother which in my opinion can be common. I'm sure he will be back home tonight, just calmly sit down and talk and try and figure things out. We all go through up's and down's in marriage and I sometimes feel that it just make's the relationship stronger (again, in my opinion). But definately let him know that he has no right to disrespect you or talk down to you and let him know how hurtful it is when he does that to you. I hope it all works out for the best and that you both decide to seek marriage counseling. Good luck to the both of you!

First of all, I am sorry you are going through this.

I think it's hard for anyone to answer your question, as no one knows you or your husband personally (however I will say you sound very nice and sincere), nor do we know all the details of your marriage, certainly 10 years worth. So if I were you, read the responses, but try to take your marriage in your own hands, as it does sound like you know what you want and are certainly capable if you put your heart into it.

To me, it sounds like there is a lack of communication. No matter what the decision is in regards to your son (in this situation...whether or not he should play the game), you and your husband need to agree. Was there any discussion between you and your husband prior to you making the decision and telling your son he couldn't play it? My husband and I sometimes disagree on things for our son, but we always talk about it first, agree that we are on the same page and then move forward. Mixed messages from mom and dad is inconsistent and your son is going to see this.

Second, both you and your husband have to want your marriage to work and get things back on track. And you both have to put all or none into it.

Again, I am sorry. I wish you the best of luck.

I think when you don't agree on something you should discuss it in private only. Not that I've always done this but I should have. It makes your husband go on the defensive when you bring it up in front of kids. Whether or not he agreed in the first place is another issue as it sounds like he didn't. So it's either you call the shots or he calls the shots or you learn to agree on things. I don't think he should not respect you but then it works both ways. You both need to get counseling or somehow learn to discuss things without blame and anger involved and learn what to do when you can't both agree. Would it have been worse for your son to play Halo or have no father? I don't know what Halo is, have heard of it, but decide what is the most important thing in life. You could continue to teach your son 'right' and values you have even if his dad let him do some things he thought were okay. I know how it is though to feel like that and yet in the end it helps no body to have the family split up. That's just my opinion on it and I know you'll get many others.

It's not about HALO, but HALO is a symptom of what the underlying problem is - lack of respect and lack of communication. Frankly, I agree with you that HALO is not for little boys, but more than that, your DH couldn't have a conversation with you about it without getting nasty. He's not fighting fair. The fact that these fights degrade into fights is not wholly your fault.

I would tell him that the two of you need to see a counselor. The past is what the future is based on, and if the skeletons of the past cannot be laid to rest, you have no future. You do need to stick up for yourself, and you need to learn how, effectively and fairly.

Based on this question and your previous post it's clear you are having a hard time communicating.
You previously said you didn't like going to a therapist because they just wanted to "rehash the past." But don't you see that this is clearly what you need? Why did you choose this man? What did he give you that he no longer gives? How did you get here?

Of course it's hard to give good advice without knowing the whole situation. But I will say I would have let the Halo thing go. My husband has always let our kids play violent games and even watch some inappropriate TV. I did NOT like it and I did NOT approve of it, but sometimes it's not worth a fight. I don't need to control EVERYTHING my kids are exposed to, and my husband has the right to make the call sometimes, after all he is their father. I guess what I'm saying is if you are the one making all the parenting decisions and deciding the rules, then he's bound to feel resentful.
I hope you guys can get some help and learn how to talk to each other again. Maybe you could start with a date night out, doing something fun and silly, something that loosens you both up and gets you laughing. That would be a good place to start :)

When you are both calmed down then calm him and ask him to come over and listen to your concerns. Tell him that you think that both of you need to go to counseling. Men are really not much into going to counseling so if he really cares and wants things to work then he will go. Remember it does take two to make a marriage. If he does not want to go then you should go by yourself and let the positive interaction and input help you make a decision. You can not make a person love you but you can only be a person that deserves to be loved.

By the way, I do know what HALO is. It is by no means meant to be played by a child that young. However, I go to a video game store and it is amazing how many parents actually will consent to let their child play that game. I see the hate in the children's faces that have been allowed to play violent video games since a young age. It is really sad!!

Asking your husband to leave the house and cool off is no big deal....Asking your husband to leave for good is. You are treating the former like the latter. Anyway, yes you need counseling. If you need to learn how to talk to each other, that is the best way to go about it...

If you're wanting to reconcile, I definitely wouldn't ask him to move out, but asking him to leave and come back when he's cooled off is different. I would read what you wrote to him, or at least the last two paragraphs to help communicate what you feel.

But that aside, I felt exactly as you are describing about 1 1/2 to 2 years ago when my husband and I were having a rough patch. Every little disagreement turned into a big deal and ugly feelings. I didn't want a divorce (I'm committed to my marriage, especially when logically I knew my husband is a good guy and it's not like I'd run from this relationship and miraculously find someone better) but I certainly didn't like him very much. I went on a trip to visit my cousin and when I came back he was crushed that I didn't act excited to see him, just the kids. He said, "I thought a little break would help, but when you look at me I feel no affection, just hatred coming from you." And it was true, I didn't even like him or being around him. He is not tender or sensitive or understanding AT ALL, and he traveled every week for work, which also took its toll on our marriage. As I was venting to my cousin about everything she said, "Why are you even still with him? He sounds like a jerk and you sound unhappy?" The question jolted me. How preposterous to suggest I leave him because the flavor of the day was bitterness! I explained to her that I hadn't always felt this way and I didn't have to continue to feel this way. Emotions are so fickle, and if I made life-altering decisions every time my feelings changed my life would be a disaster! Just as my once-affectionate feelings had soured and changed for the worse, they could also change for the better.

So after I came back from this trip he said, "I don't see us still together in 5 years if things continue on the same path," which alarmed me. I asked him if he wanted out, to which he emphatically said no, and I agreed with him. His mom has been divorced 5 times, and when we had our big talk about the crappy state of our marriage and what we were going to do about it he said, "Marriage might be hard, but I promise you from my experience watching my mom and going through it as a kid, divorce is 10 times harder." Once we established we wanted to make it work (which really wasn't a question for either or us), what were we going to do about it to make things better? We took the kids to the park and let them play for 3 hours while we talked. We discussed counseling (which I think is a great idea -- it worked wonders for my sister's marriage) but we decided to spend the money we would on counseling on dating regularly instead, and if that didn't work we would try counseling.

After our heart-to-heart, where we each told each other some of our needs that were going unmet (not blaming or pointing out all of each other's flaws, but a more vulnerable approach of "This is what I need"), things immediately started getting better, mostly just from the instant shift in our attitude toward each other and the marriage. It was HARD WORK (in my experience, it is easier to keep a happy marriage happy than to fix an unhappy one), but I forced myself to do kind gestures even if it didn't feel natural at the time, like get him a drink of water while I'm up getting my own or picking up his favorite treat while I was out and about. He responded in kind, and that, combined with mentally adjusting the course we were on, and having more fun together dating helped eventually make a big difference in our marital happiness. I also tried to remember how it felt at the beginning of our relationship and why I fell in love with him to begin with, which is really hard to focus on when you currently don't like someone. We still get grumpy at each other and we still have some needs that don't get met like we'd like to, but so many times as we're walking holding hands or cuddling I've said to him, "It feels so much better to like you and get along than not to!" A loving heart feels so much better than a bitter heart, which makes me wonder why I'd ever choose to let bitterness grow. But it just happens slowly over time, and if you're not constantly working on a marriage, it begins to stagnate. Bettering our marriage has bettered my general happiness as well, which statistics show is typical. A good marriage can add so many wonderful benefits to your life beyond just the good feelings in the relationship, not to mention the positive benefits it has for children. I'm very sensitive to when things start sliding downwards again (which was the natural tendency when we first started working on things, since it was what we were used to at that time) since I never want to get to that terrible place again. If it starts to happen, I immediately tell my husband what I'm feeling and why and we both try to listen to each other and take action meeting each other's needs better, etc.

Good luck, I know you can do it! It is HARD, and sometimes it is easier and even feels better in a sick way to hang on to the resentment, but over the long haul you will be much happier if you make the marriage work. Some people see two only options: Either get divorced or stay in an unhappy marriage, which I think is sad. So much is up to us, and there is the third and better option of making an unhappy marriage into a wonderful one. My parents have been married 36 years and growing up I watched them experience their fair share of ups and downs, and I also witnessed them work through it and stay committed, and they are SO happy now. My dad told my mom the other day, "All you have to do to make me happy is breathe. I don't care if you ever cook or clean again, all I need to be happy is for you to be alive and next to me."

P.S. I'm also going to send you a message containing a speech my mom recently gave on marriage in her public speaking class. It is very encouraging and motivating and will help give you hope and see the long-term benefits of working it out.

This is the point that you need someone to mediate and help direct the converstation in a positive way. I think a marriage counseler or pastor is the one you two need to be talking to. This will help form a new way of talking to each other, hopefully a health form breaking away from this cycle you are in now.

Love & Respect is an amazing book. Something that you both read, there are also DVDs to watch and a workbook. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Love_%26_Respect
My dad is a pastor and he suggests this book to EVERYONE who is thinking of marriage, getting married, just married, married for a few years, married forever... this book helps both look at the marriage in a different light and from a different view.

I have found that I always first talk to hubby before making a rule for our daughter. This helps us BOTH be on the same page and not just one making a rule that maybe or maybe not is ok with the other parent. We usually tell our daughter that mommy & daddy need to talk so please wait in her room, we then talk it over calmly listening to each other, not getting mad (no matter what the other does/say) and try to reach a common ground with the rule... then we talk to our daughter with the rule we decided on. Of course to get to this point you have to rework how you communicate and work on other issues to make your marriage full of love and respect.

Hi,

I am so sorry! I am sending you hugs..... I know how it is. I would give him some time to cool off and get calm. Then, and only then, when he and you are both calm-you should talk privately without the kids, or any distractions. Before you talk, write out all of your wants and needs from him. In return, write out what you are prepared to change in the relationship to meet his needs and make his life easier. Ask him to do the same for you. Then you both can come and read eachothers' lists and see how you match up. You may have huge holes or areas of bad communication that needs to be worked out and you may have some things that you both hit the nail on. Either way, the only way to bring your marriage back and strengthen it, is to go ahead and get honest 100% to the core. Take off the protection layers and get real with eachother. Then if you both are committed to making this work, you can move forward. I hope this helps and hang in there--it was really good for you to stand up for yourself.

M

Make an appointment with a good marriage therapist. This will take a lot of time. I would not have been so upset about a game. My hubby lets the 4 yr. old play lots of games I would not play. But it is just a game, not real life. Just because you said no does not mean hubby has to mind you either. You don't get to make a rule without a discussion then expect hubby to obey you.

This is obviously a reaction to the other stuff you are talking about. If you don't do this, even just for yourself you will regret it for the rest of your life. You may still end up divorced, he doesn't sound like he wants to obey your dictates, so he may be glad to leave. Who knows. Without counseling neither one of you will know that you have done what it takes to make it work. Learning new tools to communicate and make decisions together that both will live by is important. There will also be times you disagree.

He may have even thought you were being disrespectful to him for not letting him choose what to play with his son. He gets to make choices too. You will not always agree but the counseling will help you to understand it's not a personal attack on you when hubby doesn't mind you and makes a different choice than the one you said could be made.

Well, I would print out your letter here, and give it to him. Sit down with him, without the kids around, and tell him you need to have a heart to heart. When you are together with someone for so long, things change in your lives and you grow up, and sometimes you need to re-evaluate how you are doing things. And do go see a counselor. And tell your husband you love him too, and hug him. Sometimes a touch like that is what it takes to break down the walls. Good luck to you. Don't give up on your marriage, your kids need you both.

Wow, I am SO sorry you are going through this, it sounds just horrible. There are some wise people on this board who can give you advice, etc. So you came to the right place to cry.

First of all, your 7 year old should NOT play Halo. OMGEE! You were totally in the right to call your husband out on that one. If he can't see that there is a problem with him playing Halo, well, that in itself is a problem. But this seems like a drop in the bucket. I think you were right to ask him to leave. He needs to know you will not tolerate being treated like that.

If you don't want a divorce then you must consider counseling, or maybe a trial separation? Life may change for the better if he is not in it with you, and that may give you a fresh perspective. Or, you may both then realize the marriage is worth saving.

Every marriage has ups and downs. Mine is far from perfect, in fact I just posted about some problems we are having. So I empathize with you, and congratulate you for standing up for yourself. Best of luck getting through this dark time.

I encourage you to read Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue together. My husband and I went through something very very similar, (he is a gamer/HALO addict too), and we had some rough times. The book really helped us learn how to re-evaluate important issues, how to communicate better, and basically how to be more loving.

Also, watch these two very short videos together (they are only like 4 mins long), they really help put marriage into perspective:

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages?la...

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages?la...

Also, while I don't like HALO, there are many levels that are okay, adn it's true most kids his age are playing it, sadly. If he is playing online with just his friend and dad on the better levels, than it will be much more tame. If he is playing multi-player with just anyone, there can be a lot of cussing and bad stuff like that. The actual game play has some more gruesome stuff and cussing in it, so keeping it in the one on one or multi-player mode in private game sessions is way better. Not the best answer, but there has to be a compromise if you do it.