I Am in the Conflict with Myself!

I know an ablsolutely wonderful counselor. Her name is Jodi Hildebrandt and her phone # is ###-###-####. She is in an office by Thanksgiving Point.Call her. You really need her!

One of the ladies mentioned the movie "Fireproof". I highly recommend it! The grass is not greener on the other side.

When you bring kids into a marriage, your focus needs to be on what's best for them. It takes two people to argue. You have the power to change the environment for your kids. What this means is that if your husband starts an argument, bite your tongue. Don't lash back. Just listen to whatever he is upset about. Sometimes he will be right, and just listening without argument will validate him. Sometimes he won't be right, but you have to pick your battles if you want a healthy environment for your kids. Now, of course all of the above goes out the window if he is abusing you or the kids. In that case leaving is best, but it doesn't sound like that is what is going on. As for your "true love" ex, forget about him. You don't have the right to wreck your kids' home and family just because some guy wants you back. You have obligations now that do not include him. What you are holding onto with your ex is the fantasy that you wanted back then. A real man would never want to break up a child's home just to have you. Of course it sounds romantic to you, but it is wrong to do that to your children. Your kids need both their mom and dad, preferably in the same home. Leaving their dad and bringing some guy into their lives will hurt them. So, for your kids' sake, you need to actually work on changing your marriage. Most people don't understand that the actions of love come before the feelings of love. So, if you start doing loving things for your husband, even if you don't want to, over time(less than a month if you are consistently doing nice things for him) the feelings of love for him will come back. If your husband isn't a complete jerk, a magical thing will happen. He will start doing loving things for you, and feel love for you, thus no more (or just fewer) meaningless, petty arguments, and your kids will have a happy loving home again. Just remember, the things he will do for you may not be romantic to you, but he will be doing it all out of love for you. It might be as simple as taking out the trash, scraping the frost off your car windows, or washing the dishes. So don't take those things for granted. Another example from my home: I had to do some early morning grocery shopping the other day, and when I came home, my husband had already made our bed, got the kids dressed, had them clean their room and make their beds, and he had the living room and kitchen clean. He did this out of love for me so that I wouldn't have to do it when I got home. Some things you can do to start out are just a simple touch of your husband's arm when you walk by him, make him breakfast if that's something you don't normally do, pack his lunch and add a sweet note for him to read later, give him a big hug and kiss when he walks in the door after work, you get the idea. Most men just want to be appreciated by their women. They need a lot of praise just like children do. Not to compare men to children, but it's a ego booster for men to be praised and complimented by their wives. For instance, my husband just mowed the lawn for the first time this season. He spent a lot of time out there to make it look nice, and all I did was say, "WOW Honey, the yard looks great!" And he was happy for the rest of the day because I noticed his hard work. It's really very simple. I'm with your husband on you not leaving. It does leave the door open for other relationships. You already have one in mind. How would you feel if you knew your husband had one waiting, and all it would take is for you to be ok with him leaving? How can two people work on their marriage if they are living apart? Separating to see if you will miss each other is not how you fix a broken marriage. Treating each other like today is the last day of your life, and loving each other with your last breath is how you fix a broken marriage. If you do go to marriage counseling, avoid any counselor who just sits there week after week while you and your husband complain about what each of you doesn't like about the other. Work with one who gives you assignments in treating each other better. You can fix this if you both really want to.

I think Kate gave you very good advise, I just wanted to add my experience.
My great grandmother married my great grandfather after their second meeting. She was not in love with him, She thought he would be a good provider and father. In time she fell in love with him and they lived a long happy life together. This has been a great lesson in my life.
I thought I loved my husband when I married him. We have had some very hard times, and I have wondered at times why the hell I married him, I have wanted to leave, I have packed to leave, but then I would calm down and realize that I needed to do what is best for my children. I thought I would have to live with a man that I didn't love forever. Then I read my great grandmothers history. Along with counseling and some marriage books, it changed my perspective of marriage. I realize now that I had no idea what love was then, I do now, and I feel that I love my husband dearly. We still have our moments, and we always will. However I am happy with him and I am glad I married him. Nobody has a perfect marriage.
I think our generation has a distorted view of what marriage is supposed to be, probably do to shows like Desperate Housewives and our disgusting obsession with celebrities and their personal lives. If you are chasing this romantic dream you will always be doing so, you will never be satisfied because it is not real. You owe it to your children and yourself to put everything you have into your marriage. You need to decide that going back to your ex is not a possibility. If it is a possibility you are not giving your marriage the effort that it deserves.
I think what Kate said about love is very true. When we date we do loving things to each other to show we care, we fall in love, get married, and then life hits us and we stop for one reason or another. You need to focus on what you can do to fix your marriage. Your husband will probably follow suit. You can't really work on your marriage if you are apart from each other therefore you should only separate after you have done everything else you can do.
As far as marriage counseling goes, I think every married couple could use some counseling. I would start with a religious leader if you have one. And I'm not really sure if you don't. Sorry
I wish you luck.
B.

Please DO NOT have any interaction with your ex while still working things out with your spouse. I believe any relationship can lead to a great Love and respect if both parties are willing to work things out, and you don't want to jeopradize your current relationship if you work things out and decide to stay together. Sometimes the ex looks good just because he is not part of the current conflict. I would definetly suggest looking at counseling either professional or with a religious leader to get some guidance. Things may or may not work out but if you do all you can to find the positive in your current relationship and work towards improving it then you will not feel the guilt you may experience if you leave without trying to work things out.
Good Luck

In my opinion, I think you need to stay with your husband, get counseling and try to work it out. Divorce is h*** o* everyone and I think you owe it to yourself and your family to give it everything you have to see if it will work. That being said, you need to break off all communication with your ex. If you are going to give your marriage a shot, he can't be in the picture. Of course things seem like they would be great with your ex. Your not living with him and fighting with him everyday! However, there is a reason he is your ex. Please put all of yourself, heart & emotions in your family and forget about your ex. You are so young and I think you would benefit from counseling.

Good luck to you.

I agree with what everyone else here said!!!

Also would add too that a lot of marriage counselors are not that great. I have been to many that aren't very good.

Read "Facinating Womanhood" by Helen Andelin. It is a book on how to get your husband eating out of your hand and worshipping the ground you walk on, also how to be the best person you can be.

Listen to what the previous 8 ladies have said. They know what they are talking about!

Marci

Hi Y.,
This is a tough situation. First of all, absolutely, unequivically get the other man out of the picture, out of your mind and out of your life, this is is just way too much for you and your kids to handle. I know how romantic it seems and you may have feelings for him but I beg you to not make that a factor. Yes, it may seem appealing now because thing's are stressful for you and your husband, but you made a very serious committment to your husband. How are you even in contact with this man? Bottom line, marraige is hard and takes alot of maturity, acceptance, and compromise, sometimes we just need to grow up and think of our partners, be grateful for what they do do for us. And by the way, you may just end up repeating the same behaviors and pick the same kind of man, and that just hurts those kids. My husband and I made a committment tonot not fight in front of our kids, and about 99% of the time when I stop and think about what i am upset about I realize it is so not worth fighting about anyway! You are right, 23 is young and it is hard, but you made an adult decicsion to have those kids, so put them first and work this out. ( and for you too, divorce is painful) And once again ,that other man should not be any where near those kids, it will confuse them.

thanks for being honest. its not too late to build your own love story and in reality it will contain conflicts, thats love -- enduring, maturing,etc. if your going to go to a counselor make sure that it is one that encourages marriages and families to stay together. your X should not even be a topic!!!! You can do it! I don't necessarily subscribe to Dr Phil but he had a great show on regarding marriages.........and they were young too! Lots of immaturity, but they had to learn new tools of enteracting with one another with respect as well. Your children deserve nothing less! You don't have to be another statistic for a divorced mother of two! Don't give up!

Y., we often make the mistake in this society of thinking that love is a feeling. It isn't, its a verb. Meaning, if you and your husband are willing to work at it, you can be very happy and in love. But the big thing is willing to make "us" the number one thing. You need to consider his needs and what will make him happy. He needs to do the same for you. I would suggest a marriage counselor. Your boys deserve the chance to have mom & dad in their home. It doesn't sound like there are any real problems (just not enough work, no fighting or cheating or anything). So don't give up on your marriage. Despite what the celebrities say, marriage is NOT disposable. You CAN be VERY VERY happy in this relationship if you're willing to do what it takes (every relationship takes this same work, no matter the feelings at the start of it)

You admit that you haven't really matured as far as relationships go. It's time to do that now. You're a wife and a mommy. Put on the big-girl panties, tell your ex your married and not looking for any kind of relationship; it doesn't matter if you haven't told him about your marriage issues, he probably senses them and is seeing an opportunity to get back in with you (and STOP telling yourself he's your true love - it's a fantasy); and get to work on the relationship you are in. And count yourself fortunate that your husband is willing to work to create the relationship.

I wish you the best - joy and happiness for you, your boys, and your family.

Y., you and I are walking in some very simular shoes. Let me tell you a little bit about my life, and what I have learned from it. When I was 17 I met a man that I fell deeply in love with. Even though we had different believes religiously, I would have married him. Unfortunaly, though, he was already married with children. There came a point where I knew that this was not a healthy relationship and even though I cared for him very much, I knew it would never go anywhere, nor should I persue a relationship with a married man. Shortly thereafter, I met my husband. I didnt realize it at the time, but I saw my relationship with my husband as an easy out to the pain of not being able to be with the person I was in love with. I was also very young, and it seemed like the right thing to do to get married. We have now been married for ten years and have two children. When things are tough, and they are in marriage because you have to work at it all the time, I find that this ghost from my past comes creeping up into my thoughts. Dont get me wrong, in many ways I love my husband. He is a good man, but when things are rough, it always seems that the grass is greener on the other side. Here is what I suggest. First, try as hard as you can to get rid of the ex. There are some people from our past that make it into our future, and if they dont, there are reasons why. Just because you love your ex doesnt mean that you will be happy with him. Try to remember the reasons why he didnt make it into your future and let the past go. I know how hard that is, truely. I still have a hard time focusing on the present. The second thing you need to do is realize that your husband is a good man. Start looking for the positive rather than the negative in him. If he supports your family, it goes a long way to say thank you. I have learned that when I take the time to look at what my husband does well, I think differently of him in a good way. Now, I know that is will not fix all the problems, but it is so easy to dwell on the negative, but our attitudes change when we choose to dwell on the positive. You are on the right track to want counceling as long as it doesnt turn into a husband bashing session. You both have things you need to work on and the problems are not all one persons responsibility. Re-commit to your husband. You already committed to him once. It is never too late to build your own love story if you both work for it.

Y.,

First of all, put the ex on the back burner and take care of what is in front of you. The ex is a quick fix solution to a problem that may not actually be a solution but more of a headache. If you don't love your husband and don't want to be with him, then I suggest get a good lawyer. If there is any chance that you can make it work, then try your hardest (i.e., counseling). Here is the bottom line, the grass is always greener on the other side. Although it may appear that it will be easier apart, it actually is harder on you, your husband, and the kids. Now, I am not advocating to stay together because life is just too short to be fighting all the time, but make sure that it is the decision you want to make.

If you decide to split, then make sure that you take time to figure out what you want instead of rushing into another relationship. When it comes to people entering into kids' lives as step-parents, it should be a long process to ensure that you and the other person are in the relationship for the long haul otherwise, the separation of your husband and the separation of subsequent relationships could potentially emotionally harm them. If this person wants to be with you then he will wait for however long it takes to get your stuff situated. Plus it will minimize the baggage and minimize putting him in between you and your ex.

Bottom line: think about your decisions to make sure it is the right one, get a good therapists, and get a good lawyer.

Best on your journey.

Pacificiris

Please!! read & then re-read what Kate has to say. Her advice is so right on. I'm a 55 yr old woman, and have learned much in life. You haven't matured in relationships because you haven't matured in life! That's OK!! Just remember to stay open to learning & growing. We never stop learning. Love your children, be the best Mom & person you can be by working on your marriage & staying with your husband. And bite your tongue before arguing. Be curious about how you can make things better...let your husband know you want to make it work, then work on it! Running away with your ex won't help you mature in relationships or in life. It will just distract you for awhile & yes, mess up your kids. My best to you, Y..

Y. N,

My advise is going to be from what I see in just a paragraph of information, I am sure there is much more to all of this situation so take my opinion as just that. If your husband does not know that you are talking to your ex in this manner, then you have already cheated him, if your ex does not know about your current situation with your husband you have already cheated him. Honesty is the best policy. If you are considering or thinking of another in manners of having an intimate relation while in your marriage you have already cheated. I believe you are playing with fire and will be burned either way.

Okay - here's two cents! Trust yourself. Things didn't work out with the BF for a reason. If you broke up this relationship and went back, you would rediscover the reasons it didn't work out before. CUT IT OFF!

Stick with hubby. If he wants to be married to you, and you want to be married to him find a way to make it work. It's real easy to storm out on a relationship. EASY! The aftermath is a never ending MESS. Girl, stick it out - get some help, and remember that you married your husband and made a commitment to him AND your son.

Be loyal - even when it's tough. Even the best of husbands drive us crazy, there ain't no ideal honey, so make do with what you have and stop shopping around!!

Hi, Y.,
I'm a marriage and family therapist in the field for 25 yrs and you can read a lot of my advice here on Mamasource. You can read about my books and my work on www.prepinc.com and www.smartmarriages.com - I've co-authored several books including Fighting for my Marriage and 12 Hours to a Great Marriage. You can email me directly if you want to talk about things.

I agree with all the smart women who have written to you here. Work on this marriage first before you think about any other relationship. You do your children no favors by getting divorced without trying to work things out. Let me know if I can help in any way.

take care, S.

Hi Y.! The other posters have all offered really great advice, I just want to add my two cents:
Happiness in marriage is a daily choice... its actually all up to YOU whether or not you are happy in your marriage. Its very esay to blame your husband for all of his imperfections and faults, but that would be overlooking your own imperfections and faults that of course you want him to overlook as well. But you can't expect him to do that if you wont do it for him, so it all starts with you.

Love is a choice - NO marriage will always keep the same excitement that it had when it was brand new, and by calling the infatution of a new relationship "love" you will always feel its loss and be unsatisfied when it is later replaced with the comfort and security of knowing that person will always be there, that they know you better than anyone else, that they have seen all your flaws and choose to love you anyway. Those are manesfestations of REAL love. Infatuation is the way you feel when you barely know a person - and therefore its mostly your imagination, because you imagine them to be this amazing person, and yet you don't know them well enough yet to see anything different. Constantly feeling "in love" with someone is not what love is, and you will never be satisfied if you decide to try chasing after that feeling. You will never find a person who you will feel "in love" with every moment because no person is perfect, every person has faults, and even they are close to perfect, you get used to somebody when you spend a lot of time with them. If you were to persue your "true love" ex - you would find the same thing and be unsatisfied again within just a few years.

So, what it all comes down to is to appreciate who you have, regardless of who that is. As I said before, LOVE IS A CHOICE. And its completely up to YOU to make that choice. Your husband has MANY MANY MANY great qualities. He must, because every person does, and because there is a reason you fell in love with him in the first place. Even though you try to say you have never loved him, you were obviously impressed by him at some point, because otherwise you would not have concieved a child with him, and afterwards, if you didn't think he was a good man and that your child would be better off with him as a father than without him, you wouldn't have chosen to marry him. Now its a matter of finding the reasons why you loved him once and reasons why you love or appreciate him now. Choose to focus on his good qualities. The more you look for his good qualities, the more of them you will find, and soon you will be wondering why you ever considered leaving him in the first place. The man will be the same, but your eyes towards him will be different. Your actions and words towards him will change, and he will notice those changes and respond positively. And when he responds positively you will find even more reasons to love him. Its an upward spiral for both of you that is started by one of you making the choice to change things for the better. That spiral can easily go both ways, according to whether or not you are focusing on the positive or negative things about your husband. Right now you have obviously been on a negative downward spiral with him for sometime, or you wouldn't be feeling the way you do towards him right now, and you wouldn't be fighting every day.

You can change that by making the choice to love the person you chose to marry, and searching for his positive qualities on a daily basis. It wont always be easy, especially at first, but things will change if you decide you really want them to and you are willing to do the work to make it happen. You may not be able to find much at first as far as how he treats you, so you may have to start with things like him being a good provider for your family, or how he loves his children very much and would do anything for them, ect. Start with those things and more will come as you look for them. As I said, soon you will be wondering why you ever were thinking of leaving in the first place, and how you ever could have thought that you weren't thoroughly in love with your husband.

The key to a happy marriage is to look at your husband through rose-colored glasses and to be selfless. Think more of how you can make him happy than how you can make yourself happy, and soon enough he will start to do the same for you. Its worth it to salvage your marriage, for yourself and for your children. They deserve to have two parents who love and respect eachother... its the very best thing you can do for them. Get that other man out of your head and out of your heart and focus on fixing what you have with your husband.

Dear Y.,
First, I want to say that I am so sorry to hear about your marital problems. But, rest assured, everyone has them. No marriage is perfect. No love is perfect, or "my true love." That is Hollywood telling stories. You said you are 23 and that you have not yet matured in relationships. Well, it is probably about time for maturity. Don't stay where you are, just decide that it is time to move into a new phase of your life and your marriage. I would first recommend that you tell your ex that you are married and committed to your marriage. Do not give him any glimmer of hope with you. Truly, there should be none. If you shut that door tightly, you will probably find that you will put more effort into your relationship with your husband. If you leave even a tiny crack open, then the foot will wedge in and then the door will be wide open. HUGE mistake. Believe me, when people leave a marriage for another person, they are bringing the problem with them (themselves). You see, we are all the problem in a marriage. : ) You have 2 beautiful boys. They absolutely NEED both of you. Your husband seems to want you there too. Commit to it. Just do it. No marriage is perfect. No marriage is easy. Sure, there are times when it seems easy, but usually it is short-lived because we all sin against each other. We get tired and impatient. We take things personally because we are so obsessed with ourselves. Love you husband. Have you heard of the book, The Love Dare? Try it. See if it will work for your marriage. I've heard amazing things about it from people. Have you seen Fireproof? You might want to rent it and watch it with your husband. I don't think it matters why you started your marriage. The fact is that you are married. Be married. Love your husband, love your children. If you want to chat, feel free to email me personally.

Blessings,
Tonya-wife for 20 years, mother to 6

Dear Y.,

You mentioned that you feel you are immature with regard to relationships ... that being said don't even think about going to your EX for that very obvious reason. Do everything you can to save this marriage. I agree with the advice below that counseling should be by someone who is pro-marriage. The Care and Feeding of Husbands is also a good recommendation. If you two succeed, you will have a strong marriage because you both wanted to save it and worked at it. I have been married more than 20 years and it's been worth it. Love is romance and all those other nice things, but it is also commitment. Making it through the rough patches is part of marriage. Hang in there! You are not as immature as you think -- you are very concerned about your children making them a priority and you are wise enough to know you need help. Please don't make the mistake of taking the seemingly easy route and going back to your EX. He's an EX for a reason. Get him out of your head. The time you spending thinking about him and communicating with him is better spent concentrating on your husband.

Best wishes,
L.

I am only going to give the same advice as the rest. Your ex is trouble, work out your situation with your husband. Plus, remember your children are your top priority here.

I don't have any ideas on marriage counselors, but I wanted to let you know I was in a similar position and thankfully we were able to work through everything. I just turned 24 and my husband and I had dated for 4 months before I became pregnant with my first little guy who is now almost 5. Basically we had to start over with our relationship and make sure we were together for the right reasons and not because of our son. We have been together for 6 years now and I won't say that we always agree but I am definately glad we worked it out rather than taking another route.

I hope everything works out for you!

If at all possible you need to save your marriage. There were times with my husband after the twins were born that I didn't want anything to do with him. You need to start by going on dates with eachother. Don't expect him to do everything in the date, you choose. Something my husband and I have done is sat down and each wrote 50 things we would like to do together on a date. Simple like going for a walk and more complex like spending the night in a motel or going for a sleigh ride. We put them together in a jar and each Sunday we take turns drawing something out of it. And it doesn't matter what the paper says, you need to have it fulfilled by Saturday night. My husband drew out go to the movies so we went to the movies. I drew out a romantic treasure hunt, so I planned that, etc.
A lot of people have been going on marriage retreats. What they are is to plan a week or weekend and go somewhere without the kids. Pray together about your marriage, plan your year out, what you want your marriage to be, what you want your kids to be in a year, etc. Just spend time with eachother.
Finally, if either of those ideas don't sound good, both of you rent the Fireproof movie. You can get it at a redbox machine for $1.00. Watch it, and then at Walmart.com or Amazon.com you can get the Love Dare book for around $8-$10.00. Read through it and do exactly what the book says each day. It will take you 40 days to complete and after those 40 days you will know what to do.

I hope that I don't seem judgemental, and I feel bad for the drama you are going through. I had something similar in my early 20's but BEFORE i had babies and before I committed and married anyone. You now have babies and don't have the luxury of 'trying to choose who will make you happier'. Remember that a choice to leave your spouse, chooses to only be with your children about 50% of their lives growing up due to custody. Your choices right now will really impact them. I would recommend doing anything to save your marriage including swallowing pride, letting battles go without the big fights and treating him with love and patience and I bet he will respond in the same manner. Best of luck. Do whatever you do for your kids!!!!

Y.,

You've recognized a few things in your relationship that are flags for starting off on the wrong foot. That is okay. Who really is ready when they get married?? I wasn't!!

Do you take your car in for regular EM/Insp?? I bet you do (or your hubby does). Marriage counseling is like that yearly tune-up we all should get. My husband and I have done the split up and get back together thing, and yes it makes being with other people more tempting and makes it harder to build your relationship back to a functioning healthy relationship. Don't leave yet. Go to couseling first. Stop seeing your ex. If you were too young and immature to enter this current marriage, I can't imagine how much more immature the relationship with an even younger love would be. No doubt you probably loved him, I loved my first love for a LONG time. BUT that doesn't make it right, or mature, or enduring.

If your situation with your husband (current) is abusive. Leave. That would be the only reason to leave. If you or the children are in physical or sexual danger.

Good luck. Get a tune-up!

V.

Y., please think think think before you go back to your ex, which is looking very good right now I'm sure. I went back to an ex and let me just say...he was an ex for a reason!!! Having kids is stressful...period so yes a marriage is much harder when kids are involved, I'm married with only one and it can be hard but you need to work at it and you both need to work at it not just you so as long as he understands that too. I wish I knew a counselor's name to give you but try and find one at least for yourself to talk some stuff out and don't give up yet :)

L.

Just remember your kids. If you do leave they will be bounced back and fourth between you and your husband and have step moms and step dads that have different ideas of parenting than you do. If you can make it work that's what you need to do. You had feelings enough with this man to have a child so you need to forget about past relationships and focus on the family you created. Go to counceling alone if you can't get your husband to go, if he sees a difference in you he may change his mind.

Even those of us who marry out of "love" don't really know or love our husbands when we marry them. It is a choice that we make and remake as we get to know who they really are. Every marriage has its challenges. Sometimes it's hard to see past those challenges, but it is worth the effort. Spend time praying and meditating about the good qualities of your husband and your relationship. Focus on those. Make it a priority to spend time alone, away from the kids, even if you don't think you will have anything to talk about. Do it for a few hours every week, and a few days once or twice a year. Let him know that you are doing these things because you want to stay with him, and you want to get to know him and love him.

I'm speaking as one who often struggles, but these small efforts have made a huge difference for me in my relationship with my husband.

Wow! You have a lot going on. Here is my advice... Ditch the ex- boyfriend. That is very unhealthy. Your family comes first. You can get through this! Your children deserve a chance at a home with their parents. Stop being so focused on the negative, moving out just seals the deal. You are young but you are a smart girl. Find a way to work it out even the best marriages have rough spots. Get in touch with me I would love to help!

Y., please get counseling now. Any marriage is work work work, it is about commitment and partnership. You both need to get professional help now for the sake of your children. Of course you are still in love with your ex on some level, but that ship has sailed, say goodbye and cut off contact. Your number one responsibility is to your children and your husband, it may not work out but you have to try everything you can before you walk away, assuming it is not an abusive relationship. Try to first make an agreement with your husband to not fight in front of the children. Arguments are normal and for children to witness some disagreements is okay but if you are having screaming fights on a regular basis in front of them it is not healthy.

Best of luck, you've taken the first step for you and your family.

Don't be fooled! "Desperate Housewives," the other soaps, the films, and the novels are very different from day-to-day living. They're all carefully written, carefully scripted - even down to the interactions and emotions of all the characters. It's not real. Not only that - the author of the book, or the actors in the film or the program, close the book, walk out of the studio, and have real lives of their own. Real life is not the story or the script. That's all play!

So why am I saying all that? Just to emphasize that you're a real person and your life is very important right this minute. I urge you to get counseling now - not so much for your marriage as for yourself. You have said, wisely, that you haven't quite grown up when it comes to relationships. But you need to mature right now, because you have relationships with those two gorgeous boys and, among the three of you, you need to be the grownup. In a marriage relationship, too, you need to be mature.

Some of the phrasing in your request hints to me that you don't know what to look for in a man or a husband. So please refuse to change your marriage situation until you can understand it more clearly. Don't let your ex talk you into anything (in fact, choose not to see him or talk to him). What he may have in mind will make you unhappier, however you may feel about it now.

Ask people you respect for counselor recommendations, and act on those recommendations this week. If you are a church member, you might start there. Pastors and counselors are pretty well shock-proof, so don't worry about whether your situation will be too much for them. But be willing to listen and learn.

Good advice here. I've been married almost 18 years, and the first 12 are really hard. The 20s are such a selfish age as I look back on it. Really the more you give the greater your marriage will be a decade from now! I too couldn't figure out why I had married my husband, but I wouldn't trade him for the world now!!!!! I encourage you to keep in there. We think that unless we're happy our children will be scarred for life, but I think happiness is a choice! I used to think, "If my husband were to die today, I just might miss picking up after him, or miss getting mad at him for being soooo late coming home from work ..." you get the idea. If you wouldn't miss him, think about how your kids would. It's an easy start for looking positively at your relationship. They would even miss you guys fighting if something happened to one of you! Anyway, there's light at the end of the tunnel. The 30s are such a better age :) Good luck

Please don't give up on your marriage. I know it seems like that is the only thing to do because of the fighting and that your kids don't need to be around that. But if you take the initiative and work on your relationship you will be much happier because you didn't give up. As for your ex...you are feeling stuck and you see it as a way out. Your kids have a father already...don't replace him. I only say this because I recently dealt with the same issue...I was separated from my husband at the time and got reconnected with an ex...but looked at my son and realized that the mess of starting over with someone else would just not be worth it. My parents are divorced and I was much older than your kids when they divorced but I still look at my mom and just wonder why she didn't do everything she could have to work on the marriage. I hope that you can work things out. Hang in there! And know you aren't alone.
PS...if you are hanging out with more single people the desire to get out is stronger...find some married couples with kids that you can hang out with. And definitely seek out a minister or marriage counselor.

Read "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" It gives you powerful tools to make you and your husband happy. Sometimes it can be painful to read. But it helps women to know what they do that can sometimes hurt their relationships. The truth hurts! Start with you and he'll come around too.

Some of the greatest relationships start as friendships.
I agree, you are very young, not to mention solely marrying for the child on the way. That situation rarely ends up working long term.

That said, you have created two beautiful kids together. You owe it to the two of them first and foremost to go to counselling. Get out how you feel deep inside and hear your husbands point of view. If you cannot find those feelings that I truly believe need to be there to have a healthy relationship at least you tried.

Just seperating to see if you miss each other is not a mature way to handle things either.
Disrupting your life and realizing what you truly need to do takes a lot more then just a time out.

Call your regular family Dr and ask them to recommend a good counselor. Go into it with an open mind with nobody else on your brain (your ex) and listen and try to hear what your husband is saying and express how you are feeling.
If there truly isn't any love there, it was a marriage of convenience then I DO NOT AGREE it is okay to stay put just for the children. It is never okay to do that as they totally deserve happy parents, sometimes that means parents apart. However exhaust every other option before you reach that decision.

You state you haven't seen your ex in 3 years, people change a lot, the feelings of butterflies and all that gooey stuff makes are brain sometimes not think logically. You owe it to your sons to think logically,think hard and long about raising two boys as a single parent. Not to mention they will need you 100% if you divorce and not to jump into another relationship. You have to be very careful who you bring in their lives. They need a lot of security and stability if you do divorce.

Coming from someone that is divorced, I know first hand how very hard it is. I have seen how hard it is on kids. You have to decide if it is really what you want. Ultimately for me it was the very best situation so my kids could have a chance to witness positives in lifestyle, not see parents angry or one that was verbally abusive and it was the best decision. Getting divorced can be brutal. It did not come lightly and it was really a thought out process. It has been a tough road though. Make sure you know what you are doing and if you are truly unhappy then it is best for kids to have parents that are happy, however that needs to unfold. Happy parents equal happy kids.
Good luck, God Bless, pray, hope and listen....that is about all you can do.

My hubby and I got married after only knowing each other for 7 months. I was 22 and that was my longest relationship up to that point. There was no pregnancy involved, but he was deploying. We lived together for a month and then he left for a year. When he came home he was mean and nasty due to Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It was just a little stressful = D and we did not really know each other very well. I am proud to say that we worked through it and my hubby is back to his wonderful self, though it took alot of work and commitment on both our parts. We are still going strong 6 years later despite numerous times that he has been gone with the Army and have 4 children.

One of the most effective methods that we came up with was email. We could both write out what we felt and revise it before we sent it. Then we also had time to collect our thoughts before we responded. The best thing though was that it was never in front of the kids. We also set up a date night, to give us some time together without the kids. I would strongly suggest that you plan something out though and make it a big deal or it becomes just another thing you have to do. I would suggest a counselor too, but I would not fret if he will not go, just commit to each other and leave everyone else out of it. Making it through this together will make your marriage stronger and it definitly is worth it.

Good Luck

Oh dear--It sounds like you're in a pickle! The only advice I can give is to stay away from your ex until you've decided what to do regarding your family. Your ex should have nothing to do with your decision. I think you need to ask him to stop contacting you and respect your marriage. I guess all of the other answers are up to you and your husband to figure out together. I admire the fact that you are trying to do what is best for the kids. I hope you benefit from counseling (sorry, I don't know anyone to recommend). I think even if you decide to separate, a good counselor will be able to help you make the transition easier for the kids. I wish you the very best.
Good luck.

Read "Why Marriages Succeed or Fail" by John Gottman. It is so, so helpful. I would encourage you to make a go of your current marriage. Sure, when you are unhappy right now the idea of your old boyfriend sounds nice. But there was a reason you broke up with him, remember? And you don't have the complications of a marriage, kids, negotiating work, etc with him. Throw "real life" in the mix and things are complicated no matter who you're with. I encourage you to think of your husband and kids and try hard to make it work. Even if it didn't start right, that is no reason you can't make a beautiful thing of your marriage, if you and your husband agree it's worth it. You do not want to fracture your kids lives by separating from their father. There is help when you fight. Go to counseling. Read the book I suggested, and other good ones (John Gottman has several other great ones too. He is amazing). Good luck.