I Am in Desperite Need for Advise in Juggling Four Little Ones

I know this sounds unhelpful but... try to relax. I have 6 kids and the chaos is an everyday thing around here. I have found after 14 years of it I can't do without it. :) The sibling rivalry is normal. My 5 year old daughter and 4 year old son go at it all the time. Then they love, love, love each other to death. Have you considered a preschool program for the 4 year old. Sometimes getting them out for something of their own is helpful. Then his sister will be happy to see him when he is home... Not sure where you live but I know some are still enrolling.

As for making time for all of them... you are making time by being home with them. Try to get the little ones to nap together. Have the 4 year old do quiet time with books and crayons if he doesn't nap anymore. It taes a long time for a routine to take hold. Especially a bedtime routine. I know my boys all share the same toom and the chaos at bed time can make me want to pull out my hair. My husband seems to find the humor in them "being boys".

You are doing a great job. These are the tough years. As the baby gets older it will get easier. Trust me, I have been there SO many times before. My youngest is 2 now and we are finding calmer easier days as she becomes more independant. Good Luck to you!!! I hope this helped a little, at least you know you are not alone.

C.
SAHM of 6!!

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First of all your are doing fine. Everything that is happening is completely normal. Next, I really agree with some of the others about "quality time." Do not drive yourself crazy trying to find individual time for each, you are already doing the most you can by being there with them. I raised five, 4 boys and 1 girl, who is my youngest and is now 14 and my oldest is 21. My first husband left when my daughter was one week old. I was determined to make it. So, here goes with some simple things I learned.
First: Housework can also be dolled out. A six yr old can clean the bathroom sink and most likely empty a dishwasher. (Put plates within their reach in a cabinet and tell them to put anything else they cannot reach on top, we sat ours on the stove). Most things can wait, my kitchen floor waited six months for me to clean it and did not complain once! As each person finished at the table they each out their own dish in the dishwasher. And this policy was followed throughout the day, because it was emptied first thing. As they got older I created a chore chart.
Second: They can all learn to keep toys in their proper place. My rule was no toys in the living room. Everyone had toys in their rooms, that way if one had small parts it was in the older child's room where they did not go without permission. Also, everything had a bin or a box that it went in and then did not take it all out and dump it together, unless they were building roads and needed cars, but you must teach them that what they get out they put away.
Third: Eliminate clutter in the home. Reduce the knic-knacs so you will have less to worry about dusting or them breaking. Get rid of clothes that are too small or not needed, do not have more than say 7 outfits with a couple of extra shirts, this eliminates laundry. And pack up toys. Sometimes, there is too much stuff, so pack some away and swap them out occasionally, it becomes Christmas all over again, when you bring out those old toys! It is especially important to do this before birthdays, etc., where new gifts are received.
Fourth: Make your bed every day, it gives you a sense of accomplishment and gives you a clean flat surface if you need it.
Fifth: Pick one day a week and go somewhere or do something, a park, the zoo, a special game. It will be your day to interact as a family. We used to play a lot of duck-duck-goose! I always put aside money for a membership to the zoo, because we could go for an hour or two every week if we wanted, for no cost, once the membership was bought. And in Maryland you can buy a pass for all State Parks for the entire year for $75. Several have swimming areas that are great for little kids, my favorite being Cunningham Falls State Park.
SIxth: Bedtime must be sacred. You must let them know that at a certain time they will be in bed. I staggered them youngest at 7pm older at 7:30pm then I had my down time. (One of the other posts goes through a routine which sounds great) Make a routine a stick to it.
Seventh: When they fight you must separate them, into their own rooms or just two different rooms, stick to your guns and they will get the message that they either get along or they will not play together.
Eighth: Perhaps you can read a story to the 7 mo old while you nurse? Or give the 4 yr old the task of entertaining while you nurse.
Ninth: Be sure to praise and reward all help and all good behavior and do not be afraid to bribe them, but discipline must come first. They should behave without bribery.
Tenth: Get rid off all electronic games and such. We had a TV that played only videos because it had no antennae and we did not have cable. And I did not allow Game Boys or Xbox, nothing. And they all survived!!

WOW okay so I hope that is not too much! Lastly, watch Supernanny sometime. She gives excellent advice and you get to see it implemented.

Me: SAHM mom of five, ages 14-21. Married 5 years to fantastic fellow. Almost finished homeshooling them all from K-12

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Hun just be patient I know its not alot but it helps alot I have four also 10, 8,3,and 10months so you are not alone and I'm a single parent. try goosefrabah. Oh yeah and prey.

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Hi E.,

I'm a mother of five children. Tiffany 13, Tyler 10, Kaitlyn 5, William 3 and Zoe 7 months. I can totally relate to wanting to spend one on one time with your children. My husband is on travel alot with his job as well. The best suggestion I can recommend is asking your local church, neighbors and even teens to come over and spend time with the kids while you do one on one with them. Otherwise, it will never happen. Help is the best medicine. Without an extra set of hands or two you really won't be able to find the time. I wish you the best of luck and most importantly of all, try to make some time for yourself

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You have already received so many great responses from the other moms, but there is one thing that I'd like to add. Your children's need for you (at least at the young ages they are now) is insatiable. No matter how much time you spend with them, they'll still want more. I've learned this over the last 2 years being at home with my 2 boys, and other moms have verified this. So, just remember this and keep doing the best you can. MAKE time for yourself, with some help from your husband. If you keep giving and giving, not getting anything for yourself, you will burn out!

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E.:

Hello! I haven't read the other responses so please forgive me if my suggestions are repetitive.

1. I prepare lunches for school and work the night before.
2. I have my children set their clothes out for the next day in their lockers (my dad, husband and boys) made their own sports lockers!)
3. I MAKE time for myself. Friday night is MY night - whether I chose to stay at home or go out with girlfriends. EVERYONE MUST HAVE THEIR OWN TIME!
4. Set a routine for night time - dinner, bath, brush (teeth), book, bed - bedtime is the same time every night - children LOVE routines and consistency it makes them feel safe and secure.
5. Make a date night for you and your husband - whether you do it after the kids are in bed or hire a babysitter.

Ensure your husband knows what you need from him. Communication is key. As a SAHM mom - you are a nurse, shrink, seamstress, chef, chauffuer - everything all in one great package!

Ask your 6 year old to help out. Most 6 year olds love to feel like a helper and "Big Brother" or "Big Sister".

Your 4 year old is stuck in the middle basically and doing what he's doing to get attention. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!! You notice things - give your 4 year old tasks that he can do to be a great helper. Something his baby siblings can't do - this sets him apart and gives him self-esteem - because it's something HE can do. If he wants to do homework - make up some easy things for him to do. He can even help you set the table for dinner!

Again, YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!!

Take care!

C.

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Create a support network and try time management:
Pick two events a week to drag you and your children where they can play and you can be with other moms. If you're in the Alexandria, Va area you might look into www.parentingplaygroups.com, They have a walk-in play group every Friday am (check the web site) AND someone to help with your kids. There are also parenting classes but I don't know how much you can participate at this time... local churches may have weekly or biweekly playgroups set up - all these playgroups exist BECAUSE all mothers need other mothers who have kids to play with kids and relieve some of the stress. Libraries may have notices on their bulletin board - I'm not saying you'll have time to browse, but ask neighbors and the first grade teacher and other first grade moms who are home during the day. Get to know others that you can support and who can support you. That's step one.
Step two you do at the same time: get timers, the ticking kind and the quick, set. and start/stop beepers. Set timers for different jobs that may get the kids jittery - like, I will be on the phone for 3 minutes (set timer and say goodby at the beep or before). I gotta go now, I'll try writing more later if you think you'll try it. Feel free to respond to me (anybody) if they like.

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A few years ago I was in the exact same situation. As long as you are doing the best you can, that is all you can do. It will get better. I now have 6 kids and my oldest is 13 and the youngest is 20 months. The only advice I can tell you is to stick it out and just try your best. It will get easier. I occationally will just do one-on-one dates with each child (my husband does this sometimes too) whenever I can squeeze it in. It will mean alot to them later on....good luck!

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Perhaps the 4yr old would like preschool, full or part time. That would surely lighten your load. Also having a set schedule helps. Maybe you could find a few activities that the 2 and 4yr old like to do together: coloring, puzzles, playdough, blocks... something to occupy them when things get really crazy.
Another idea: join a playgroup. Meetup.com has some good ones in most any area. That will occupy your whole morning, then you only have the afternoon to contend w/.

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I only have two kids, so my advice may not be very useful. It can be tough with my two, I can't imagine 4! As a mother though, I think we all feel that we just can't get in enough time with each of them, no matter what we do. I know your goal is to get more one-on-one time with each, but with your toddlers not getting along, and having an infant that is very demanding of your time...have you thought about altering your goal to more quality time with ALL of them together? Search out activities that everyone can be involved in (I know the baby can't do too much, but can be with everyone), that way it would allow you to spend time with all, and may possibly help to promote the toddlers to get along better, which in turn would help the oldest coming home from school to get homework done. Seek out some easy games that is fun for the oldest, and easy enough for the younger ones (even if they are on your team). Look into the local library and see what activities they have going on. Having one-on-one time with children is wonderful, but (especially with a baby) is sometimes not so easy. I have never really much had alone time with either of my girls...we have always done everything together, and I think it has promoted togetherness with our family, and the girls are best friends. It is always worth looking at it from another angle! Good luck!
K.

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Look around your nieghborhood or ask at your church for a mother's helper. She/he could be a mature 13 year old looking for a part time job, or a retired grandmother looking for something to fill her time. It really helped me to have the extra set of hands around. Also, keep a schedule. post it and stick to it. the kids will like knowing what comes next in the day.

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I was an only child and your 4 year old seems like he is independent. I am by no means an expert but I think maybe you should encourage your children to learn to play together. There are a few board games that are age appropriate, Chutes and Ladders, Candy Land, Peanut Butter and Jelly and there are some card games that can be used also. I would suggest that you get the children together the three older ones and tell them you are going to teach them how to play games. You have to be enthusiatic about the games in order to get them interested. Also as a family have movie night with movies that will keep their interest and have popcorn also (hulless). Playing with them together is much better than trying to divide your time among them. This is not to say that there shouldn't be some one on one time but when you can't they should all be able to get along. As for the baby, all I can say is give her your best.

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I sympathize with your situation and can tell you that you will survive it, I did. I had a similar situation in my home with my children wanting and needing my attention. It has taken a long time but we are in a pretty good routine now. The first thing I did was try to start a schedule. I thought of three ways that I could connect with my family and slowly implemented them. First I started with dinner, making sure we are all together and each person has their job to help. I also encourage everyone to talk and help solve each others problems by offering suggestions. This has helped my family to feel like a team and yet individually special as each team member. I got this idea from my mom, I am seven of nine. I also implemented "Family Time". Every night between 7-8pm we do a different family activity. Each person in my family is assigned a different night to chose whatever they want to do with the family. Sometimes we play board games, jump on the trampoline, sing, or just play outside. It has really helped my girls to stop fighting. The only requirement is that everyone in the family can participate even though they don't have to. For one hour every day we all just focus on each other and having fun. It is wonderful. So this left one area to work on... individual time with each of my kids. Every morning, I snuggle with each of my kids for 5 to 10 minutes. We talk about whatever is on their minds. I say a prayer with them to start their day and pray for things that they have going on in their lives specifically. At night, I do the same thing, 5 to 10 minutes of snuggle time with a discussion of the events of that day followed by a prayer. Everyone knows that if they want their alone time with mommy then they must allow everyone else to have theirs. This is tricky with an infant, so I would find a way to preoccupy her (maybe a swing or playpen). If she starts to cry, let her. Don't let anything distract you from the person you are focussing on or it sends a message that the loudest one gets your attention. I took a lot of tylenol when I started this but it was worth it. My children play very well together and want me to have more to expand our family. I must admit you have a more difficult situation because you have more children than me. However, I know you can do it and remember that you are not alone. One last thought, in first grade I encouraged my oldest to learn things so she could help me teach her little sister. It really helped her to learn what she needed and now it is more interesting for her younger sister who just started first grade. I always allow the younger ones to be apart of any learning experience, even homework, so long as they are not disruptive. It lends to the team idea. Good luck and God bless.

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I feel your pain, I had all 5 of mine in 6 years; they're now 24, 23, 21, 19 and 18.
You have a lot of great advice here. I worked outside my home, too, so depended on a great preschool as soon as they were old enough. I worked nights, stayed home with whoever was the baby during the day, so preschool gave me time to spend with the littlest ones, and they loved having their own class and projects to tell me about, and weren't on each other's nerves all day.
If there was bickering about a toy, it went into a box on top of the fridge for a day or two, they learned fast that I meant no fighting over toys. They did thump on each other now and then but they joke that the first full sentences they learned were,"that's rude, crude, and socially unacceptable," and "go to your room and come back when you can be a decent human being."(sometimes that meant I picked whoever up and plopped them on their bed if they were reluctant to leave the battle).
The house was noisy, is still when they're all together. Oh, well, lots of kids.
The housework was dead last on the list except for laundry and dishes.
I did group projects, like summer campish stuff, painting their own tee-shirts (which all said Wandering Wildcats on the back) and then going on field trips--God bless the ladies at Kenmore in Fredericksburg who let them try on costumes and fed us gingerbread, at that point they were 6,5,3,2 and 10mos. I must have been nuts.
The baby spent a lot of time hanging in a bouncy swing in doorways, in on the action but out from underfoot.
I'd leave the pack with my ex, and take whoever needed it most grocery shopping with me for some one on one that included lunch at McD's(I found if one of them was being naughtier that usual then it was time for special attention, and it seemed to work as a great attitude adjustment). I love Paula's idea of a special prayer/goodnight time.
I read them to sleep before I left for work, baby on my lap with a bottle, everyone else tucked in bed. I'd sit in the hallway because they were in two rooms, but I could see everyone and they could see me. As they got older, the little ones went down first, and that gave me time with the older ones, catching up on school and making sure things were okay.
My kids today are very proud that they were pretty independent very young--making their own lunches, they all did their own laundry at 10, everyone knows how to clean a bathroom and do dishes--even little ones can stand on a chair and wash the plastic things, splashing in bubbly water a bonus!
When the 6 year old comes home, have a group snack time. Gives everyone a break and him a chance to wind down. The 4 and 2 year old can help put snack together and set the table.
You're doing a good job, it's hard but you'll make it. My favorite escape was/is reading, a library is a great place to get some quiet, they have lots of programs and storytimes, check it out.

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Well i think most of the parents said "Get help" I understand where some might not be able to get help. I don't have any family in the area who will help and unless you have plenty of time to search for it "Which you don't, you don't feel you have time for what you are doing" So what i suggest is focus on one child a day. I'm not say ignore all the others I'm saying Since you have 4 i would say. Plan things to do with each one each day. When the children go to bed in the evening plan your next day with one child. I would say Monday is for one child, Tuesday is for the next and so on Friday is for you. So say on Monday When you pick out cereal make it appoint to pick out the kind that child would like and tell them you chose what they like this morning. Plan a time to set with that child to read a story, or help one on one with homework or something else small like talk to them about the toys they are playing with. It doesn't have to be much or long 5 min. increments. Tend to the others needs but focus on One each day. That way as time goes by they will notice that you set down with them and talked to them about something that matters to them. I would also suggest bedtime be a set thing for ALL children. Wash them one by one, brush teeth together, set down on a bed in a row and read stories before bed and than tuck into bed according to age. If you set limits you won't get much of a fight. (Over time) I have done childcare all my life and have to adjust to different children all the time and if you are set your limits and stick to your guns you will have an easier time. Even the 7mo. can adjust to limits if you enforce them.

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I only have 3 girls (one just turned 5, one about to turn 3, and a 16 month old) and haven't gotten this mastered yet...and probably never will. This summer, my husband has been living in the city and comes home on weekends.
Luckily,I have the baby on a good bedtime schedule (more like, she has me on a schedule). I know tv is horrible but losing my sanity is worse. So, each evening, the girls alternate picking out a movie. It helps them to wind-down before bed and allows me time to study, pay bills, do laundry.

Also, getting a sitter and getting away for a few hours is the best thing you can do for yourself. I try to put it off b/c I'm cheap and hate paying for it. But, I return SO refreshed. It's good for all of us. Plus, they are usually better for the sitter who brings in some energy and allows them to do things I feel too overwhelmed to do (play in the sandbox...cleanup is awful).

There are a lot of mom's groups. But, I often have a hard time getting everyone ready and out of the house, especially for morning events. While my husband says I use it as an excuse (who knows, maybe I do), none of the other moms have 3 kids all 2 yrs apart. It sometimes seems like more trouble getting to functions than it's worth.

Hang in there. You're not alone :)

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