I Am Having Trouble with My Child Listening to Me?

Hi, M.;
For our family, giving them the benefit of the doubt (even a pretend one!) works. I ask the question in a normal voice, using the person's name first, to get their attention. Then if I am not heard I walk to the person, put a calm, open, loving expression on my face, and put my hands on their shoulders, facing them of course, and say their name so they look up. Keeping my hands on their shoulders, I say what I want to tell them, and after I have an answer, I thank them and then take my hands off their shoulders. This way I do not escalate our voices, I do not assume they are ignoring me (even if they are) and I have not given them anything to hold against me. BUT, it is slightly annoying to them to have me be all nice in their face like that, so pretty soon when I begin to talk, they give me their attention so I won't "come over there." In any case, be sure not to be sarcastic at all. This is not what I mean by annoying them, it's just that they will want to get back to whatever they were doing before, and simply learn that it is to their advantage to listen faster. Hope all goes well for you! J.

2 moms found this helpful

It is best to take each individual child aside and in a pleasant way tell each child what you need to have done, make them an ally. On a one-to-one basis the child will want to co-operate with you and will help organize the others. Speak to all three - including the two year old alone. In time you will be able to say "Ok, kids, clear the room of toys. It's time for mom to vaccuum and they'll know how to do their own assignment." Get used to repeating your order In different ways at least three times (more) before learning takes place.

Try not to expect too much from your 5 year old. When we have younger children we tend to think our 5 year old is able to do more and we give them much responsibility. You need her cooperation to keep the younger ones in line - but YOU are the Mom and the boss.

Also, it helps to have a book that gives you the psychological makeup of your growing child so that you will know what your child is capable of doing every year and how to deal with their emotional needs.
Grandma

My favorite book about child behavior problems is 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. There are several versions for different aged kids and also a video. It's important to use the entire program, especially praising for positive behavior, not just giving time outs. Good luck!

Kids will only ignore a parent when they know they can. Having 3 kids is hard, they know you are stretched and they are taking advantage of it.
When you ask your child to do something and they ignore you...
1. Physically stop them from what they are doing (step in front of the TV, take the toy they are playing w/, ect.)
2. Get down to eye level and say, "If you continue to ignore me (the TV will go off, your toy will take a time out, whatever.) "I asked you to (clean up your room.) I would like that to be done in the next 20 minutes."
3. If they start to fuss put them in a time out until they apologize and do what you asked.
* I'm sure many people would disagree, but I have found it helpful (unless it is very urgent) to ask them to get it done in a certain time. For instance, "We need to leave the house in 30 minutes, I'd like your room picked up before then." You should have a level of respect for what they are doing, but you are the adult.
Good Luck :)

You are a busy mom! I am impressed :) Best wishes to you and your family.

I think we will agree that children of all ages continually push the lines on independence and boundries. Listening to parents is only one! They act and react based on proven behavior, tried and true. It is the old "If - Then" concept. So ... "If I don't listen or perform and there is no consequence, then I don't have to listen or perform."

Pehaps it is time to put consequences in place. Consequences always being something that is NOT what they want to do or happen and being something the parent WILL enforce EVERY time the bahvior happens. You may want to think about sitting down with the children and in a short to the point talk, explain to them that listening to one another is respectful and important. The situation is not working in your family and that xyz is now going to happen everytime they fail to listen or perform the first time they are spoken to. No negociation, no backtalk. Our children are not little soldiers ... I know, and I do not mean to sound militant! The truth is they need those boundries enforced to feel safe, secure and confident. When they do they feel free to be the happy creative children they are :)

About me: I am a wife of 30 years, 52 years old and mother of two grown children ages 28 and 25. My experience in the matter of which I wrote is "tried and true!" It took me years to understand that when I didn't put consequences into place it was because it was hard for me to upset my children and that doing so often caused my plans for the day or activity to change because then I had to follow through with it! So really ... it was about me not the children. My son was the worst about listening ... when he did not he got his Nientendo controls taken away for the afternoon ... it worked! Let me know how it goes! Lucia

I think you have some good advice here, I especially like Sarah and Grace's ideas. I have found that when my daughter doesn't listen time out usually works or taking away the item that is distracting her from listening to me. Your 2 year old is certainly capable of listening to you too, she does understand what is going on. Plus she probably sees her older siblings not listening and is copying what they do.

My 5 year old tests me like this all the time. I decided that since she is not deaf and manages to hear me say things like "dinner's ready" or "who wants to go to the park?" that it's not that she doesn't hear me, it's that she is ignoring me. Not acceptable. So I told her that if she decides to ignore me, she will be sent to her room. Not only that, but I'm moving bedtime back 15 minutes every time it happens. Amazing how going to bed an hour early a few times has really changed her attitude! I guess you could do this with anything your child really values - if the bedtime thing won't work for you, you could cut out TV or outdoor playtime or whatever.

Say things once, and then follow through. Or try the book "1-2-3 Magic".

We also adding a star to my son's Rewards Chart for "Listening on the First Try", which seemed to help as well.

Good luck!

Both of the previous responses are good ideas. I also suggest lavishing praise on them when they do listen so they feel pleased w/themselves & will be more willing to do what you want. After a while, you can taper off on the praise cuz they will have learned to do what is asked. Maybe also try to give them a warning...in 5 mintues we'll do ___ & then go back a couple of minutes later to remind them & then finally go back when it's time to move on to what's next. Hope this helps & good luck!

Explain to the children that "we" have a new rule. Get a small bell (at a hobby or craft shop). Tell them that when you jingle the "listen bell", it means time for mommy to talk and for them to listen. This will take a few times, but reward them with a gold star sticker on a chart by their name, when they can be the first to listen (and stop talking).
But the star should be rewarded when they not only listen, but follow through on what you asked them to do or not do. Good luck!

M., I think we need more information. When does this happen? When the TV is on? When they need to stop playing and do something else like go to bed? You could set up a COLORFUL WRITTEN schedule with times on it and check things off. They get points towards something they want. You must do things at the same time every day. That way, there's an expectation. Trying to ignore them is not a good role-reversal. Not surprised to hear that that tact didn't work.

I have 4 kids and sometimes have a simular problem. They are testing you to see how much they can get away with. I started using the same thing thier teachers do. Say "One, two, three, eyes on me" they say "One, two, eyes on you" Basically just make sure they are looking at you before you try and talk to them. This works for my kids because they know they can't ignore you then. But you have to try REALLY hard not to show frustration...if you get angry, they will push harder against you. We still have bad days, but its getting better.

M., your children are still pretty young. I worked in pediatrics for 7 years and my knowledge is based on child developement. Their brains are still growing so they have less of an ability to handle overwhelming amounts of informatioin and stimulation at one time and their world is still pretty big, just try going around on your knees and you'll see... My kids are a little older... My youngest is 5... But one of the things that I've found that helps is giving one piece of instruction at a time and having them get into the habit of coming back to you for the next instruction. If you really need them to hear you about something, try coming down to their level on your knees. Also, be consistant with your consequences, they need to know what will happen 100% of the time. When they "keep pushing my button" I often say calmly "My answer is not going to change, so you might as well move on and quit asking." As they get older, you need to find their "price of poker". Many things only work for that child and only for the time being. Try the book "Making your children mind, without losing yours!" Hope I've helped, L.