I Am a Single Mom Who Is Really Feeling the Pressure.......

WOW what can i say but wow!!! I have just read the stories of some of the most courageous and brilliant people i have the oppertunity to learn about!

Being a single mom is really some of the most intensly challengeing times. And sure most people cant do it...But so many can, as I have witnessed here now reading the stories of so many women who in spite of the challenges , are finding creative ways to work around the obstacles that are unique to us.....One thing we certain could use more of is a communal based support system ...Ran by us for us...A collective location that can serve as a resource center...Not a government agency, or a religious based agency...But an warm open enviroment operated by women who live the life , to create a network between us all......we need a web if you will.... If anyone is interested in discussing this further email me....

Again i want to send blessings to all of you out there , even you may still be struggleing everyday, in some deep and difficult times.....your present for the struggle and you havent given up...thats cause for a sense of joy each day....its so much more easy to slide down the hill than run up it....take good care

ps yes im right there with you .....mom of crazy 2 yr old son, and papa who is never really sure of what his life is about..much less his sons...

2 moms found this helpful

I think you hit home for alot of people on here. As a single mother of 2 girls (7 and 4) , I have my moments also. I try to do small things for myself and would feel extremely guilty if i spent money on myself on things like a spa. Instead when i feel really down, i put off doing dishes until after they go to bed, so i can play on the floor and do goofy things like have tickle fights. I hear my childrens laughs and it instantly puts me in a better mood.The bonus is that the laughter is contagious and you will start laughing. Its cheap entertainment and it works for most kids i know! Hope things work out and if you need to chat..you can contact me whenever you feel!

Hello
I am in a very similar situation to you except that I have a supportive family. I have 7 yr old twin boys and we live with my dad so that I can go to school and one of my boys has Autism so it is really hard for me to work. My ex has not seen or spoken to the boys since they were 2. He is over $11,000 behind in child support. Everytime he gets a job and child support enforcement garnishes his wages he quits.
Its up to you whether or not you quit school. I know when I quit it took me a long time to go back. Maybe just cut back to part time. Or I go to Devry which is totally online so you can work it around your schedule.
As far as Suzi's response just ignore her. That was very rude and she obviously has no idea what it is like. YOu came here for support not to be criticized.
I posted another message to start a workout group for stay at home moms. Maybe we could get together one night a week for us single moms. If you dont want to workout we could just make it a social thing. I know I talk the ears off an adult when I get to have some adult conversation. Feel free to email me to talk or anything else.

Dear M.,
I was a single mom, going to school and working a full time job. I worked full time at a day care (they gave me discounted rates since I worked there) I took early morning classes and worked the afternoon shift. I also met other single moms and traded night babysitting with them when we wanted to go out. Since I didn't get rich from working at a daycare I qualified for state daycare assistance. So when I had to take some night classes when the classes I needed weren't offered during the day I didn't have to spend my hard earned money on babysitting while I went to class. The weekends are yours. Spend as much quality time with your children as you can they grow up fast.

Hi M...
I too am a singl mother who gets no help really from my children fathers... So I understand the stress that you are under with kids and bills...When I need some "me time" to unstress away from my kids I talk to the parents of their friends to see if they can hang out at there house after school. I know having a 2 yr old is a little harder then that. What I would do is see if a neighbor of yours will keep an eye on him so that you can just relax for an hour. I know its hard to ask for help sometimes but I am learning its best to ask for help then to get so stress that you snap. You am even check to see if your town has a mommys day out program it can come in handy too. I hope that I was able to help you alittle if you need to talk Im a good listener...
____@____.com

Girl, you hang in there!!
My best friend (Kelly) works full time and goes to school and is also a perfectionist! I know you don't have alot of time or friends, Kelly lost her mom when she was 19 and had a 3yr old and a mentally challanged brother who was addicted to pot. Then she got married adn w/i 2 yrs she had another baby and her husband left her for a man. she gets no help from her family and I have 5 kids and can only help so much since she had to move alittle farther out. BUT....she has found herself a church that has surrounded her with love and support!! since her kids go to the nursury during church (she's baptist) they get to know the kids and the kids love the workers and she has bonded with other single moms there and when she really needs a break they work out a switch and they watch her kids one weekend and then the next she watches theirs. Don't let your thoughts knock you down!! Keep yourself up! you are awesome and fighting for a future for you and you sons!! YOU ROCK!! keep your chin up and keep moving forward! Peace and Blessings!

After the boys all go to bed take a hot bath or a bubble bath and just leave all your cares and concerns at the door. I agree with the oter moms at try to get support from your husband. If he won't help and your family is saying your are a neglectful parent then maybe they can go to a friend of theirs house for a little bit. the two older ones should have friends whose house they want to stay the night at and put the 2 y/o to bed early and play relaxing music while SOAKING in the tub.

M.,

BEEN there, DONE that. Single mom in law school with a 4 and 6 year old, no help from dad, could have torn my hair out, but lived through it, got my degree, and the kids are now 21 and 23, and I'm into my second (step) family (10, 7 & 9).

I'm sure you'll get lots of really excellent advice (the first being - get a babysitter once a week and GET OUT - to hell with your family's opinion!). If you just want someone to blow off steam to, someone who KNOWS what you're livin', feel free to email me privately and I'd be happy to get together for coffee - and bring the boys. We can pick up Starbucks and head over to somewhere there's a play space, like McDonald's and just let them rip while you vent!

S.

i know to everyone in the world that it is a mother's duty to be unselfish, the protector, the genius of it all...but what we as mother's fail to remember is that we have to take care of ourselves too.i know that going to a spa can be expensive...hell alot of things we want to do is expensive..but there are things we can do for ourselves. for me a nice hot bubble bath is a luxary because i have 2 kids and a husband to take care of...(or he expects me to :) )but i always MAKE time for myself...sometimes u just have to slow down a little to appreciate yourself...if we don't find time for ourselves, who will?...thinking of yourself and your mental and emotional state isn't selfish, especially when you constantly think of your self LESS on a daily basis...thanks for reading and don't forget to make time for yourself.

I returned to finish my degree after having been out of school for almost 10 years. My husband of about 3 years abandoned us when my son was born. When I went back to school, my son was 2 and I lived with a friend and her kids for 2 yrs while I went to school. the 1st year back in school was better b/c I had a Pell grant and didn't have to work, but the 2nd yr, I had to work on campus 20-25 hrs a week, while taking 12 hours. It was hard. I honestly could not have done it w/o my friends. I have several single-mom friends that we trade babysitting or my single friends would even take my son for an afternoon while I studied. My parents were supportive, my dad would send $ every once in a while and my mom agreed to cover my car insurance while I was in school. these little things helped. I know that it's hard, but it'a also do-able. I just kept thinking, "it's temporary". I didn't by a new bra for 2 years,(lol) but my son had shoes and warm clothes. I wore the same clothes, but I knew that in the long run it would be worth it. and it has. It's still hard, now, after graduating, mostly because I make just enough $ to disqualify me from subsidies like food stamps and child care assistance, but I really like that, too. I like that my son (he's 4 now) has my full attention on the weekends and I'm not worried about pulling all-nighters to finish papers. Just remember-it's possible, and the rough spots are temporary. Also having some sort of support system is necessary(church, friends, family).

hello, i know exactly how you feel because i work full time and attend school full time and try to run a business. i am off on sundays and if you need to take some time to go ut and enjoy yourself my businesss just happens to be a childcare center. I am off on sundays and on sat urday I work until 9:30pm so that would be a perfect time to get out and relieve some stress. if you are interested let me know. You need to find something that you enjoy doing and just do it living for the children wears out after awhile. i have 4 daughters 29,23,21,15 and 6 grandchildren so i know the pressure and i go mall walking and i'm finding myself wanting to hang out more so i just do. hope it helps some to know that you are not the only one. B.

Hi M.,
I too am a Mother-Father and it does put pressure on you, but I'm proud of you for doing what you have to do. But, take time to have some fun, the movies, go out, with the kids, relax. you have your hands full. and don't turn down any help. Be proud of you and take care of you.

Oh girl, been there. I was a single mom of 2 for 11 years with very little help from their dad. Worked 1 fill-time job and 2 part-time jobs just to make ends meet. I did have family but they made me feel guilty and horrible about doing anything other than working while the kids were with them. Just hang in there, kid, it will get better. Remember, that you are a person to and need to take care of yourself or you will not be able to take care of those little ones as well.

Try this little (stupid) trick I used when I was at my wits end. When you are headed towork or school in the car, sit and scream your head off. It does let a little steam off. Not a total fix it but a release and it always made me laugh at myself.

My heart goes out to you, good luck and hang in there.

I know how you feel i am a single mom of 2 boys ages 7 and 5. I have been wanting to find out how to deal with it all. It's really hard. I got married then got a divorce and raising my 2 kids. I have that worry but also i worry cause i am dating a guy that is in the army and he is over seas right now. It is like the worries are never ending. I wish you lots of luck cause i'm going threw it to.

J.

Hi M.-

I have been separated from my husband for almost a year now and my twin boys are 5 and my little girl is 2 1/2. It is hard! :) I also go to school full time and did work part time until recently. I was feeling similarly to the way you are feeling a few months ago and I realized that something needed to go. I decided that the part time job needed to go and I needed to just get more creative with my budget. I don't know what the answer is for you but I know that it has taken a couple of months to feel like I am finally relaxing more and feeling caught up. I did read recently an article about balance- we all know it needs to happen in our lives- one way to do a quick check on balance in your life is to see if you have time in your schedule for 30 min of exercise a day, a 30 minute quiet time (if you aren't religious this could be meditation, journaling or a cup of hot tea and a cookie while looking out the window in silence), and sitting down to one meal a day with good friends or family. I have started jogging and I do yoga to help in relaxation and meditation. When our bodies are constantly forced to go all the time and are pushed to the limits emotionally and physically they have a hard time letting go. I need to regularly practice being silent, stretching to release tension, and deep breathing techniques so that when I am stressed, I have techniques to rely on. Let me know if you have any other questions. I know this is hard and it is probably not what you expected or planned for your life (it isn't for me either) keep your chin up and take care of yourself!

Hugs-
M.

M.,
I also am a single mother of only one (so wow, I feel for you). I know this is going to sound really cliche, but I was also in this situation with my daughter, and my saving grace was getting involved in church. I know you're really busy, but my church has been my family. I also go to school and work, and it's very hard balancing everything, but my peace of mind comes when I pray. I know it's overwhelming, but call a local church and see if they have a divorce care group. A lot of single moms won't go to church, because they feel they will be judged, which is totally not the case. Also, if you can get into some kind of single mom support group in your area (MOPS is one). You'll get connected with other moms in the same situation. I know how it is to be a single mom with Christ and without, and I chose with and my life seems to be working out a lot better. He has blessed me in ways I couldn't even contain in a single email. I hope this helps! I know you don't know me from any other person, but if you do need to talk my phone number is ###-###-####. If I don't answer just leave a message and I'll call you back. If you don't want to talk, just know that I will pray for you, and I'll have my friends pray for you.

Beth

Take care of yourself and your health first and foremost so you can take car of those children that are depending on you. Forget the perfectionism, no one is perfect and it just stresses you and your kids out. Think about it, would you want to live with someone who never thought your best was good enough? Take a half hour a day and just be goofy with your kids...watch a funny show, wrestle, or play a game...they get stressed during their day too, so just throw it all out the window for that half hour and LAUGH with them. Laughing is the best stress reliever there is! Praise them often and they will love to help you. Never put the stress you feel on them, don't discuss your adult problems with them or in front of them, they are children. Go after child support but never put their dad down to them no matter how much you dislike your ex.
Like the other poster said, there are many programs available for single moms and their kids so take advantage of them. You can even post in this group if you need a sitter and maybe you could find another mom in the situation you are in who can give you a break and you can give her one by sitting for each other's kids...that doesn't cost anything. Take a deep breath and think about what you need and figure out a way to get it. I have not been a single mom, but I have been situations where we were broke, I was without a car through the week while my dh worked out of town, I had no sitter, but you can do it if you just slow down and realize what you need and figure out how you can juggle or barter to get it. Good luck!

M., I don't know how much help I'll be, but I can definitely identify. I am a 24 year old single mother of a very independent, yet clingy 4 year old. I work two full time jobs, go to college full time, and am trying to run a struggling home business. If I cut out any income, I will never meet the payments I'm already having trouble making. I can't get help from my family cause they are in the same boat I am, and I get nothing from her father as well. I just wanted to let you know that I understand what your going through, and your not alone. Good luck.

My heart goes out to you! I have 3 of my own, but lucky enough to have a husband and fam to go with. I myself is a perfectionist. I agree w/ the above let the old ones do a few chores, it doesnt have to be perfect. Thats a hard one to let slide, I KNOW. My girls are in charge of cleaning thier own rooms and they help w/ laundry. It took a while to not go after them and re-do it. Find time for yourself!!! YMCA has a wonderful program for single moms its low cost or free for most. They have tons for the boys to do and on the weekends a.m. they have parent drop offs for a few hours so you can do your own thing. Sign up from home. Winn Health dept can help you get child support from the father. All you need is his SS # if you dont know it by heart you can find it on one if your childs birth cert. I find MAMASOURCE a good place to find some new frieds aswell. We all are in the same cat. We are all mothers and know the presures of being one. : ) Iam a mother of 3 girls 2,3 and 5 in my late 20's need a friend?

HI,
I am sorry things are so stressful right now. I know this is going to sound harsh, but maybe you need to stop school for a bit and work full-time until you can afford it. I understand that going to school will get you a better job in the future, but you might want to just go to school part-time for a bit. Or take classes during the summer to make up for the part-time schedule during the school year.

Join a church. You might find some friends and ppl to help there.

God Bless You,
J.

FIND YOURSELF A CHURCH AND FAST. THE BEST SUPPORT YOU CAN GET IS FROM WOMEN WHO HAVE BEEN THERE AND CAN LEAD YOU TO GODS ANSWERS. NONE OF US CAN HELP YOU REALLY, THE BIBLE CAN . IT HAS HELPED ME. I AM A MOTHER OF FIVE AND BELIEVE ME, I HAD THOUGHTS OF SUICIDE WHEN I TRIED DOINGIT ALONE. I WANTED TO FINISH SCHOOL, KEEP MY HOUSE SPOTLESS AND BE THERE WHENEVER ONE OF THE 5 NEEDED ME. DID NOT HAPPEN AND FAILURE WAS HUGE ON MY LIST OF LIFE'S ACOMPLISHMENTS. THERE ARE GROUPS ALL OVER CALLED MOPS. IT IS AMAZING THE SUPPORT, IDEAS AND HELP YOU GET THROUGH YOUR LOCAL CHURCH. YOU MAY EVEN FIND THAT THERE IS A LADY THERE WHO WOULD TAKE CARE OF YOUR DAUGHTER PART-TIME. TURN TO THE LORD AND HE WILL GUIDE YOU THROUGH THE PATH OF LIFE HE HAS IN STORE FOR YOU AND DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. BE PROUD OF YOURSELF AND THOSE LITTLE CHILDREN. THEY WILL BE YOUR LAUGHTER WHEN THE TEARS START COMING. TAKE A MOMENT STOP AND HOLD THEM FOR AWHILE AND YOU WILL REALIZE WHAT IS IMPORTANT. GOD BLESS AND TAKE CARE.

You really need to check out flylady.net. She helps millions of people relieve the stress of being a prefectionist. Check out her sit and trust her a little bit...it goes a long way. Good luck!
M.

Oh honey, I know how you feel! I have a 15 month old daughter and I'm a single mother. On top of that my dad is partially blind, my mother has beginning of alzheimers and other health problems. So aside from taking care o my daughter, I have my parents. I'm also a full time college student. I feel those same worries. Sometimes I just feel like crying, but I look at my daughter and then I remember what an influence I have on her. She is my world, and every bit of anything I have to go through is worth it for her. I know it's hard, be sure to try to find some time for yourself though!! Breathe, and remember those kiddos love you because ur mom not superwoman. At least try to plan time with other moms or something! It's hard...and sometimes when U feel like you are at the end, sometimes that kid hugging you gives you a little more to hold onto. I wish there was a quick fix for it, trust me!!!! I struggle with it everyday, even today, I just sat and cried after dealing with a long day at school and a migraine and coming home to a very hyper baby and I only had about 4 hours of sleep last night. You're not a bad mother for going to school or work ...your a good mother for doing the right thing and NEVER forget that!! Your kids will respect you so much more in the end, knowing how hard you worked to give them the best life you could. Thats why I'm working towards finishing school, so one day my little girl will know that no matter what...you just can't give up. Breathe! You're not alone just know that!

First of all, if your family is watching 3 boys when you work and or go to school they ARE helping a TON! The cost of putting 3 boys in daycare would be staggering. I'm a little curious about your situation. It's hard to know what to think for sure. But since you say you leave them with family for work and school, I assume you don't have daycare and you probably don't pay your family. Maybe they are not really meaning to call you a neglectful parent. Maybe they are responding to being used for daycare and not getting paid for it. Three kids would be a major handfull for anyone to take care of and if they are doing it for free they should be nominated for sainthood.

About their dad. Why isn't he helping? If he is disabled you can get social security. If not you need to be working with child support enforcement to get financial help from him.

As far as dealing with stress goes.. You can meditate. If you have cable there is some great music channels with relaxing music. If not, got to the library. I bet you can check out some relaxation type cd's from there. If you choose to meditate, make the boys lay down and do it with you. I do this with daycare kids in the house and use it as the way to get them to settle down for a quiet/nap time. They don't have to sleep, but they have to give me a break when I need it. You don't need to be away from your kids to get some relief. You just need to change things where you are.

Outside of this, you probably need to spend some time forcing yourself to think positive. Make a list of all the things you can be thankful for. Count your blessings. You do have your hands full. This time in your life will pass.

S.

M. I have three boys as well and I know the feeling of being ready to pull your hair out. I don't have near the stress you do as I am a married SAHM. But in thinking about your situation- I was wondering if you belong to a church? My church as parents night out activities where they take the kids for a few hours and do fun things with them while the parents get a break. I do belive the YMCA's have programs like this as well. I think they are on a sliding scale fee basis so you only pay what you can. Every mother deserves a break now and then. I hope you get one, you deserve it. Also, I agree with the above responder who said that you need to get your ex to help out. Are there any lawyers around you that will take your case pro bono?

It must be really difficult to be doing what you are doing! It sounds like you are working so hard for your boys so that you will be able to provide a good future for them. Way to go! I truly admire you for that! As far as decreasing stress levels, I think that having some kind of support system is so beneficial. Especially since your family isn't very supportive, I would encourage you to really try to seek out other single moms out there and keep posting to this site! :) Personally, my church family has been incredibly supportive through rough times... and really all times. It's been invaluable to my family. I couldn't live without them! Not sure if that's quite what you are looking for, but that's what sustains us. Also, exercise works wonders for decreasing stress... I know you're like, "yeah right!" But, even if you can squeeze in 15 minutes here or there, it could help! Good luck and keep us updated! :)