17 answers

Husbands and Discipline

I need advice from wives of the husbands that insist on disciplining the kids even after she has already done it. How can I convince my husband that doing this only undermines my authority and exacerbates the situation. I am already having some respect issues with our 5 year old son and I am trying to get it back under control. My husbands thought is that he needs to learn that he and I talk and that he isn't going to tolerate our son being disrespectful to me. Our son's first thing said when I am disciplining him is don't tell dad; or like right now I took all of his toys out of his room and he's having to spend the afternoon in there and his big concern was I don't want dad to come home and see my toys out here.I used to give him way too many warnings before I would actually follow through but for the last few months I've cracked down and he gets one warning, and we talk about it so that I know he understands what I'm saying/expecting. So, how can I get my husband to understand why he needs to stay out of it most of the time?

I need to completely clarify that my son is not necessarily scared of daddy, I think he's more afraid of disappointing him. They do alot of stuff together, hunting, fishing, working on stuff, outdoors stuff. Most of the time when he gets the second punishment from my husband, it's usually in the form of my husband going in and taking away one of his favorite toys, only every once in awhile is it in the form of a spanking. And we are a united front on everything except for this issue, however, I am starting to see that maybe instead of resisting his help I should maybe appreciate it more.

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

My husband and I came to the understanding that unless I ask for his help in discipline, I don't need it. We also agreed that whoever the offense was toward gets to do the discipline. We try never to disagree on punishment in front of the children as this shows a split front. We also try to never change another's punishment. For instance, if my husband growns them or puts them in time-out I can't change it only him and vice versa.

1 mom found this helpful

One thing that worked for me was having my husband stay home for the weekend with the kids while I was gone. BOY did he give me more support after that stint with the kids.

More Answers

no, your husband needs to be right there telling your kids to have respect for you. which you have said they dont. you need all the support you can get. and they obvously respect the father so count your blessings that he supports you.

1 mom found this helpful

Your husband is the HEAD of the household. I have seven children. When your son tells you not to tell dad--even your son know who the REAL authority is and it is HIM. Parenting takes two. Make his knowing work for YOU so you do not have to work so HARD. Your husband is teaching him to respect you--you will need that at 15-on. Love your husband--he sounds like he loves you.

1 mom found this helpful

Fast forward to when your son is 15 and you've kept your husband out of it... You'll wish you hadn't! If there are respect issues between you and your 5-year-old, then dad's backing can really help you out. It's important that parents present a "united front" and keep their differences of opinion away from the kids. I think your son is getting between you & his dad, not good!

1 mom found this helpful

My husband and I came to the understanding that unless I ask for his help in discipline, I don't need it. We also agreed that whoever the offense was toward gets to do the discipline. We try never to disagree on punishment in front of the children as this shows a split front. We also try to never change another's punishment. For instance, if my husband growns them or puts them in time-out I can't change it only him and vice versa.

1 mom found this helpful

Why do you have to tell your husband everything? Why don't you just handle it yourself and tell your husband the major things? Maybe your son is feeling insecure because of his new siblings? Anyway, I'm no expert, but that's how it works in our house. Good luck!

Wow. This one is a hard one.

1. Be ever so grateful that your husband takes an interest in this. Him stepping in in a not so perfect way is better than him keeping out of it.

2. So...be very careful how you approach this. Many men, in their defensive mode, if they feel disrespected, will go to the other extreme. And, you definitely don't want that.

3. I would wait only until I knew I could remain calm. And, I wouldn't make it a huge issue that ends up in a fight. Just mention some things. Then, let it sink in for awhile. Then, later on, if it continues, keep mentioning it (but don't start nagging).

4. If it never changes, don't ever show your son your pity for his fear of his dad. That will in turn only undermine your husband - which is what you don't want in the first place. Only support your husband on this if he insists this is the best way. Tell your son in that circumstance, that his dad loves him and you and wants to make sure you know right from wrong and he has the right to discipline you. He's your father. He also loves you too much to allow anyone to disrespect you and you appreciate that. You only hope he will want to treat his wife in the same manner.

I wouldn't like it either. I'm not saying don't try to fix it. All I'm saying is be careful and wise on when and how you do it, and then give him time. Then, if it doesn't change - show him respect anyway. If not, you might make matters much worse.

Make sure your husband understands that you appreciate what he's doing. But, that 2 consequences are too much. Maybe just a scolding/rebuke would be sufficient after you have already punished him. Ask him if he feels that you aren't punishing appropriately? and if that's why he's stepping in - because he doesn't think you handled it well? or is it just because he is really trying to do the right thing? Knowing why he does it will help you resolve it and come to a compromise.

If you are a stay home mom, it should be understood that you are the primary disciplinarian, not Dad.

The kids should understand that Mom and Dad talk about what happened - including the punishment phase and that nothing more is required.

In our household, I am the primary disciplinarian. I fuss, punish, warn, ground, etc. Our daughter is in the room when I let Dad know what has happened, why she is in trouble and what the punishment is. His only question or statement to her is "do you understand why you're in trouble?" and "we're not going to do that again, are we." It works well.

Be have Dad step into the situation many hours later only belittles the child even more and chips away at his ego. It sounds as if he is a tad scared of Dad at this point. Does Dad also dish out equal doses of praise and hugs?

hmmmm...that's a tough one. He is wanting to come to your rescue and teach your son to respect you and then inadvertently doing the opposite. I know this is going to maybe sound so sexist but a man giving him this information might go further than it coming from you. He is all in his male protector role so he may not be able to receive it from you. I'll tell you what I do and you can give it a try and see how it goes;) I pray about it when we hit these things. Like if we are just polar opposites on discipline, which happens from time to time, then I just pray that God would show us how to get it back together and that God would go and talk to him about what needs to happen next. Like we have had some things come up where I thought he was too hard and he thought I was too soft. So I just got to praying about it and the next thing you know he comes to me and says he thinks we need to get some good reading material on parenting. So I start thinking and praying on that and I ran across this awesome book called "Temper Your Child's Tantrums" by James Dobson. It is a small little book and I highly recommend it. I started telling him how much I was loving the book and then he got interested and wanted to read it. Now I didn't tell him anything about how the book could help him, only that some of the weaknesses I had were being addressed and it was helping me so much, then I just left it laying around. I didn't pray for hours or anything it was more like a "Hey God, could you show me a good book out there?, Thanks" And sometimes I will ask God to just provide a good guy friend for him to talk things out with. It helps them you know. For example, I kept telling my husband the pill was making me gain weight and he never believed me till some guy at work said his wife lost 18lbs after she got off the pill. Now he is so for me staying off it!!;) I have a strong guy who is a great leader and so many times I just pray on stuff and see what happens and God always keeps us flowing together well. Good luck to you!! And get that book if you get a chance, I think it cost me like $4:)

1 / 3
Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.