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Husbands Affair with Fishing!

My husband is so obssessed with fishing that every weekend he spends all of his money on it. Every weekend his friends will ask him to go on their boats with him and he can't say no!!! I don't know how to make him see that he is supposed to be spending all of his time with us! I don't mind him fishing maybe once every other weekend, but, every weekend! I mean, when he first started fishing, I was glad that it was something possitive and healthy, but now, I'm really regreting supporting him. We have 3 girls, a 3 year old, almost 4 in January, and 1 year old twins. I'm a stay at home mom and I'm home alone all week, and all weekend. I miss my husband!!! How do I compete with a fish!!!

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So What Happened?™

Today was christmas shopping day and we were supposed to go together. He told me his friend wanted him to go fishing with him on his new boat so I agreed to fishing in the MORNING! It is now past 7p.m. and he is still not back!!! I had to go shopping with my sister-in-law! I am so furious!!!!!!! I could kill him at this point!!!

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I so understand this. My husband fishes in the summer and hunts in the winter. Some summers it is golf. I still haven't found a good solution. If anyone has one I too would be glad for the advice.

Hello,
My husband loves to fish too. What I started doing was packing up the kids and going with him. I spent most of the time chasing the kids around but I was able to spend time with him also.

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LOL...I am just amazed that you do so much with such young kids. I have 6, BUT...I spread them out. :) I think you are awesome!

As far as the hubby...Have you talked to him about it? Does he care? How about you make some plans and even have the babysitter all called and everything. Then, you can tell him that you had already made plans to be with him and see if it works!

Also...you can just tell him that you want Saturday or Saturday Nights to be "DATE NIGHTS" every week. You might have to plan the first couple, but it might work if you already have something set in stone before his friends ask him to go out.

I usually am competing with softball or basketball, so I know how you feel.

I hope you have some luck! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

1 mom found this helpful

I can't even begin to explain how much I can relate to you on this one. My husband is now in the duck/goose hunting season and he is gone every weekend, and even takes vacation time off work, just to go hunting every day!! So far this week, he went away for 2 straight days overnight from Tuesday morning until Wednesday night...then was home yesterday, only to leave again this morning at 5 to hunt again. I'm sure he'll go again one more time before the weekend is up...and all the while I hate that he's gone all the time, but I know that he loves it so I'm torn. He will ask me if I care, and I usually say no, because I don't want to be the b*tch nag wife who doesn't let him do anything...but on the other hand, he goes so often that it might be ok for me to say no sometimes! Then he complains when our daughter doesn't want to spend time with him, and I hate to think that sometimes, she still isn't comfortable with him because he isn't around as much as he could be! If it isn't hunting season, which IS about 5 months out of the year (and if he's not gone hunting, he is outside working on his blind/boat all day or on the computer on his hunting forum), there is also fishing season, scuba diving season...always a season except to stay home and relax with your family. But I guess with three kids running around there's not really much relaxing going on, although he gets to go to work and get away all week, and then he goes all weekend too! That sucks, we never get a break!

Oh there is also that fact that now that our daughter is 2, she is getting more social and going to functions, and I ALWAYS have to go as the single mom because he wants to do his own thing, hunt, or get ready to hunt, or he doesn't know anyone, so he never comes to anything with us! He's even planned on coming once to a morning party, but then it turned out to be a REALLY GOOD tide to hunt...so he bailed. He just gives me that look and asks "do you care if I don't go?" OF COURSE I CARE...oh man was I NOT happy that night...but I ended up letting him go do what he wanted because I knew he really wanted to, and I knew he would be miserable at the birthday party if he didn't want to be there. That's what he does and then I feel like we have to just leave b/c he's upset...it sucks.

Another kicker that really gets to me is that he just MAKES PLANS and assumes I'll be around to watch Erika, or that I don't have plans, when it's just as much HIS responsibility to take care of her! I can't stand it! I hear him talking on the phone about stuff I don't even know about, and when he went away this week for the overnight, I heard him plan it without even consulting me!! I just could not believe it.

As you can see, I'm sorta in the same boat as you. He knows I get fed up with him being gone all the time, so there are days where he'll stay home and make up for it, and most of the time I do tell him he can go...but we have had the arguments about him making plans without consulting me, and there are also the times, mostly during the week, when I make plans and he has to stay home with our daughter by himself so I can get a break. He's usually not too happy about it but he will do it because he knows I need the time away and he knows that he gets too much time away himself as it is.

There was the time too that I made plans on a night that he had plans to spend the night at his uncle's house so he could hunt early in the morning with him. He ended up having to stay home and leave at like 3 am to get there in time, but he didn't tell me about his plans...and he had already been gone a few days, so he had to deal with it.

I think maybe you need to really set your foot down, and tell him that you need him to be home with you on the weekends, to spend time with the family and to give you a little break once in a while. I know how important it is to have help and a companion whenever possible, and it's not fair that he works all week (which really is a nice break for them) while you're home with the kids, and then he gets to go away every weekend as well. Tell him every other weekend is plenty, or just one day out of the weekend so that he can spend some time with you and the kids too. It's important that he knows how important it is to you, and it's important for you to know what is more important to him...and if he chooses fishing, that's not a good sign!

Good luck, please feel free to PM me if you want. I know exactly where you're coming from and it sucks!

1 mom found this helpful

I hear ya sista. We own our own family business and it's in it's first start up year. That means I'm home all day and most of the nights and weekends with my daughter while he's working. Some nights he works without even being able to come home because he has so much to do. Tonight is one of those nights. I understand you missing him.

I think that it's easy for him to walk away knowing that you are taking such good care of your kids. If a stranger was caring for them, I bet he'd stay home more often. May I suggest you setting some clothing aside on Thursday and Friday so that when he comes home on Friday, you can say..."We're ready to go fishing!" buy little fishing themes clothes and pink tackle boxes. He may gasp at the idea and even think it foolish but tell him that if he goes, you all go and then go. Tell him that you are tired of not seeing him. It's a long shot but maybe he'll see it as being such a struggle to take on 4 extra bodies that he'll be too tired to do all that work to go fishing every weekend. Once he caves, offer him every other...still going with of course and then tell him if it's all still too much for him, he can go once a month alone. The choice is his. With you and the fam every time or once a month alone. Let me know how it turns out.

1 mom found this helpful

First off, sorry you're so lonely. I understand. I don't know your situation so I'll try to cover all aspects. If you are a homemaker and he works all week he may think that he deserves to cut loose with the boys on the weekend. If you both work he should be trading weekends off from the kids. But no matter the work situation he needs you to tell him that although you wwant him to enjoy his hobby the family needs his time more than the boys do. You have a FULLTIME job at home called mommyhood and you need a break also. Some men think that if their wife encourages them to get out then they are making plans for while they are gone. You have to tell men everything, don't assume that they should be able to come up with it on their own. This doesn't mean that they are stupid or even inconsiderate, they simply do not think the way women do. I suggest reminding him that you want more time with him and if that doesn't work then make plans to go out yourself and tell him that it's your turn with the kids. Fair play but it doesn't solve the problem of more time with him. To meet this need, if he won't listen to you when you ask for time, try talking to his best bud and see if he will gently remind your husband that his family time needs some attention.Assure the friend that you have no problem with their fishing and be sure to thank him for the HUGE favor. Don't forget that the buds want him to be able to play again so giving up one weekend in trade for not having a nagging wife the next time they want to play will be a big bonus for all envolved. Hope this helps and please give me some feedback. I really do want to help and enjoy happy endings. Have a great holiday! B.

While we don't have any kids, I do understand the feeling like you're "competing" with a fish. And the fish always wins. During fishing season, I basically feel like I'm single again bc I'm alone all the time.
I've finally gotten so fed up and frustrated that I started a facebook page for "Fishing Widows" last night while my bf was out fishing again. I'm still in the finding members stage- I'd love if you joined!
http://www.facebook.com/FishingWidows

Hello,
My husband loves to fish too. What I started doing was packing up the kids and going with him. I spent most of the time chasing the kids around but I was able to spend time with him also.

Hi M.,

Just want you to know that I understand your situation because my husband also loves fishing as fishing is one effective way for him to de-stress aside from working out at the gym. The difference is, he does not go fishing every week-end as your husband does.

If this would be of any help at all, I suggest you continue to look at this as something positive and healthy for your husband - that his going fishing is an effective way for him to de-stress after working hard daily the entire week to provide for you and your kids' needs. Just a clarification though, after he spends the week-end fishing with his friends, does he come home feeling better or rejuvinated, in a bright mood and treats you well? If he does, then his fishing activity benefits not just him but his family as well (you and the children).

I hope I am able to help you see your situation at a new perspective. Happiness, they say, is a state of mind and does not depend on your circumstances. I wish you happiness in your married life despite issues that you encounter...

Sincerely,

I. W.

My husband doesn't fish-he's a gamer--however addiction is addiction. I was eight months pregnant, scrubbing floors, doing all the chores, and he was on the game console day and night. It IS an affair! It was so terrible, but I told my husband, finally, it's me or the games. It's now two years later and he's finally shown that he doesn't need games to survive. No game systems in this house all that time. We just got one, but he barely plays it. Have you tried telling him, very bluntly b/c men are dense and just don't get hints so don't bother dropping them, that he is hurting you so deeply that you view this as an affair? And studies have shown that activities done with that kind of vivaciousness are an addiction and activate the same part of the brain that alcoholics and druggies activate with their "need". But he's not only endangering your relationship, but his future relationship with his children. They will feel they can't compete either. What he's doing is unfair and selfish to you and to them. Once I was bluntly honest with my husband we were able to do something about it. Just tell him you aren't taking his hobby from him, that you do want him to pursue it--but now it's time to grow up and accept the responsibilities and love his family as he should. Besides if he gets every single weekend when are you supposed to have a break? I hope that some of this helps-it saved us!

Maybe he could just go early in the day and be home by say noon to spend the day with the kids while you go out and then you could have romantic dinners together after the kids go to bed. So then everyone gets some time for themself and time together. Good luck.

I don't have kids yet but my husband goes out and fishes every single night and comes home at like 2:00 am... Then he watches tv till he comes up later, he doesn't have a job now, so I'm the only one working and we are trying to save up to move out. We havnt gone to bed at the same time in over a month!!!! Sometimes he fishes once in the day AND once at night for around 4 hours..... It's fine if he fishes but I want him to fill out applications and get a job and come to bed with me once in a while, I sometimes stay up just so I can see him when he comes home, but then he watches tv and j have to go to bed I have work the next day.... :( talked about it with him and he doesn't care...

Hi M.,
Your husband sounds like mine. Last summer my husband rediscovered the "joys" of fishing and it seemed every free time he had was spent on our boat doing just that. Even got my children hooked on it. I finally had to give in, convince my husband to get a bigger boat with a "toilet" so the whole family could go. Ask your husband if you and your girls could go along one time and see what he says. When I did that I discovered that instead of feeling like I was competing with the fish I got to spend time with my husband and kids, and eventually even found that I enjoyed fishing too. Its not a matter of competing, its a matter of enjoying an activity together.
Good Luck
K. Parrott

Hi there,
My husband is also a fisherman, and we go with him. I know right now its not the easiest thing with your little ones but when they are like 3 or 4 they can go and youll enjoy it! Until then you need to find something for yourself to do that you enjoy also....and yes, ask him to only fish everyother weekend and when he fishes, get a sitter and go have some meee time!!
I hope it helps

Hey M.
Give him a taste of his medicine. rather than nagging (it never helps), plan a day for youself and tell him last minute, especially on an occassion he has plans with you and the kids, and then just dump the kids on him and leave. it will be hard, but leave all day long. let him see how 'fun' it is to do the things on your own.
Mine was, and I stress, was obsessed with hunting and fishing. during pregnancy he was gone almost every weekend. continued doing so even after my kids were born. i let him have it be alone with kids a few times and guess what? he hasn't been finishing in a long time.good luck
L.

Hello M., I can certainly empathize with you. Everyone is different and along with that comes different interests. It is not you, your husband, or the fish. We are all just made different. My situation: My husband works day and night and when he is not working he is riding his motorcycle with his friends. They plan runs that may take the whole day, stopping at different places. Sometimes I am invited and sometimes not. I only go when I want to. I make a lot of my own plans and as well shoot my photography. Sometimes he feels my photography interferes with his time, but I remind him I allow him his free time, so I get mine. Of course it has not always been this way...when we first got married we enjoyed eachothers company day in and day out. Eventually we grew to doing our own things, with some together time. At this point, we have both learned to just ask if we have any plans before we schedule something on our own. I know it is an adjustment, but do not take it personal, sometimes it is just phases. Go out and do some things on your own ~ somehow ~ find a way. He may realize he needs to spend more time with the family. Wish you the best!

You must tell him how you are feeling. You can't compete with the fish. Try to discuss with out yelling! Communication skills will come with time in your marriage.

My husband is also a fishing junkey...I swear it dirves me mad...But better it be fishing than another woman..It is very relaxing mentally especially if he has a stressful job..My husband had a heartattack at work a few years ago at the age of 32.. we also have 3 kids 17,15,and 10..I am a stay at home mom too..make a special dinner fro the two of you ..Put the kids to bed, light some candles and have some fun..and be glad it's only a fish ..It could be worse..;0 I had to sit my husband down and tell him I felt left out and I didn't mind if he went fishing ,but we also needed family time and us time as well...hope this helps...

I so understand this. My husband fishes in the summer and hunts in the winter. Some summers it is golf. I still haven't found a good solution. If anyone has one I too would be glad for the advice.

I am sorry that you have to deal with this; part of the reason I am sure it is so frustrating is that you feel that you can't go with him having such young children. (hell, it's hard with 12 and 10 year olds, but for a whole different reason!)From experience: don't be vindictive. It is the WORST thing you could do and will always drive your man away in some shape or form. I would say that finding something that you can do apart from him would be very healthy for both of you. First of all, it would get you out of the house and help you regain some non-kid time!Second, if you do this with the pure motivation of "I really want to get involved somewhere" rather than "Im trying to get back at you" your husband WILL START TO MISS YOU! Guarentee it. When he asks why you don't want to go with him, or that his being gone frustrates you, just tell him simply that you don't feel that taking a one year old twins and a bouncy three year old in a boat during the winter time would work very well. If he doubts you have him take them... he'll change his mind. Good luck though; I have dealt with this situation and the only thing that helped it get better was time. My husband started picking apart other people who would go bar hopping or clubbing, or just have poker nights and leave their kids and wife at home w/o regard... and I kinda looked at him like: "and what you are doing is different how?!!?" Be patient; and it will pay off.

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