March 31, 2008,
S.S. asks from Greenville, SC on March 27, 2008
Husband Who Doesn’t Want Another Baby…
I have two children 3 & 5. I have been thinking about having another baby. My husband doesn’t want anymore and recently admitted to not really wanting children to begin with. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I am 31 and feel like I am running out of time. I know deep down, it’s not a good idea because we do have a “rocky” relationship with little hopes of getting better. I am 100% sure he will NOT change his mind. What do I do about this longing for another baby?
C.T. answers from Sumter on March 27, 2008
I can relate to your situation to an extent. I knew up front that my husband didn't really want more children when we got married. He had a son from his 1st marriage. Initially I didn't care because I didn't really want kids either. After a while and watching them and seeing the bond they had together it made me long for that same type of bond. We discussed it and he agreed to having a child but he was never excited about it, he was always indifferent. My son is now 3yrs old and we have recently divorced. We both remarried and are pregnant. Not only is his new wife pregnant but she had 3 children from her previous marriage too. So much for him not wanting kids - now he has 6. LOL
I am 30 and I had the same exact "time is running out" feeling which is why I got pregnant so quickly after getting remarried. I am thrilled to be pregnant but I now know my timing is WAY off and wish we had more patience. My husband was very anxious to start a family and I have fertility problems so we actually started trying before we got married thinking it would take a long time - hence my "time" issue. The only reason I wish we waited is because we still live in two different states and I have to go through the pregnancy alone :(
I really think you are going to have to fight your craving for a while. If your relationship is rocky then it is best to get those kinks worked out first. Maybe once you get things resolved he will see things differently. If, for some reason, things don't work out you might just find that perfect man that wants the same things you do. You never know. If you have doubts about another child yourself because of your relationship then I'd hold off. You will know when it is right, you will feel it.
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C.G. answers from Atlanta on March 27, 2008
Listen, It sounds like you have a beautiful children. My husband felt the same way as your husband. I felt like you do. I'm now 44 with one son, I'm happy and blessed. He needs you to give him attention too. Most of the time that is what it is about. He is ready to have you back for himself. That is sweet of him not selfish. Good luck. Married 18 years.
1 mom found this helpful
L.B. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
D.S. I would suggest that you thank God that you were blessed to have two children. Also, instill all that energy, desire to love another child into the ones that you have. It is not worth entertaining the thought of another child, as you probably already know, if you and your husband are not on the same page. The more you talk about that desire, you take the chance of him building resentment towards you inward. You have to remember, men, for the most part, are not emotional ceatures by nature. They keep all those emotions inside. And when there is dissatisfication, it brings about a change. Most cases then not, a negative change. Reinforce your love for your husband and let him know that his concerns are respected and heard, followed by actions. You would be amazed how that would change his behavior. Wishing you and your family the best. LJB
1 mom found this helpful
J.B. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
I think it was rather callous of your husband to say he didn't want any to begin with since you have 2! That being said, relationships are full of compromise, and if you have 2 lovely children and he doesn't want anymore, then I would be happy with that. Plus, at 31, you're hardly "running out of time"! And perhaps the biggest part of the whole equation -if your relationship is already rocky, having a baby is going to make it 10 times worse ESPECIALLY if the baby is something he's told you flat out he doesn't want. I would see that as almost forcing a divorce. If your relationship sustains over the next few years, things may change -with either of you. You may decide you don't want any more children or he may decide a third would be ok. In the meantime, be happy with the two you have.
K.P. answers from Atlanta on March 27, 2008
How is his relationship with the children? If it is also rocky, along with your own relationship with him, maybe you can 'want' for another husband...though certainly not to take this idea lightly. (Counseling?) But either way, having another child with a husband who didn't want children to start with would only bring you and your children misery. I am 42 and a mother of 4, and I would say that making the most of giving your 2 children the best life and love and support they can have would take most of your lifetime alone...not to mention being able to meet your own needs as well. I truly see that each child requires a LOT to be in tune with who they are and what they need...and not just doing and giving them things to get through challenging moments, but really tuning in and providing constructive support. Doing that with 2 children alone, effectively, could really be fulfilling. I know that I have 4 children and it would seem that it's not fair for me to be able to say that. But I've been in your shoes and wanting more children, but now looking back, I have to honestly say, "what was my true motivation?" Was it more about me, or about what is best for the children that are already here?
p.s. I didn't have my first child until age 33 and had my last at 40, so don't pressure yourself; you have time. Not that you want to have children at 40, but what is more important is that the situation and support-solid relationship is there, moreso than pressuring yourself and an already fragile relationship to have another child when it may not be what you need right now. You would truly regret doing that to yourself and the children.
M.B. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
I pray I am giving you the right answer. I am the mother of two children 19 and 5. As a young child, I dreamed of having five children but have since decided that I want to stay married more. My husband, too, does not want any more children. It is a hard pill to swallow but I don't want to trick him into another baby. I am in counseling now (for another reason) and my counselors says that men see children as an expense and how much the expense will cost them. Women see children as an opportunity to nurture and love another human being. For a long time, I was very angry at my husband for feeling this way and considered leaving him because of his views on not having more children. After counseling I understand that it is a great sign of financial responsiblity. I hope this answer was helpful to you.
R.C. answers from Atlanta on March 31, 2008
Get a divorce and marry someone who has the same life goals as you. How very sad that your husband says he didn't want children when you already have two.
C.H. answers from Augusta on March 28, 2008
Hi, I know how upset it makes you to hear that after 2 children he is now saying that he didn't want children in the first place but it really sounds like he meant it in a sense of saying that he didn't want children when you 2 first met but that he gave in on having children with you and isn't willing to budge a third time.That he feels like he was ok with altering his plans for you before but is now set in his decision and expects you to respect that.It doesn't sound like he regrets his children but that he is done having anymore.First I think you have to respect that he doesn't want anymore children,just like you he has that right to not want to take on that responsibility.And it is especially not a good time if you think your marriage is rocky,the stresses of a baby will on make that worse.He probably misses the alone time both of you use to get together AND alone.I think you should first work on your marriage and continue to create a home that is stable for the children you have.And even though he is saying he doesn't want anymore now, that doesn't mean that when both of you are in a better place that he may not think differently,but don't wait by for him to do so.Me and my husband always discussed having 2 children.We were hoping for a boy and a girl and we would have been content with stopping.But we instead had 2 beautiful boys so we have discussed having a third sometime in the future.I could prob go for another right now (we plan on having a girl implanted since the odds are against us for girls) but we both agree that the experience would prob be much more enjoyable if our children were a little bit older.They are only 21 months and 5 yrs.And with children that young is it quite hard making it through peacefull doctors appointments with children.And from a mans POV especially in my case since my husband is the sole provider it is extremely hard to fit in a new child with all the cost that come with them.So be a little understading of your husbands feelings and do something that helps you curve the urge to be around babies like volunteer at the hospital if possible.But at this point in your marriage you need to work on not losing what you have now rather than jumping on an urge and possibly causing more problems.Just put your energy into your children and even your husband who probably misses having your undivided attention.Me and my husband put our kids to bed early and he stays up later than he needs to just for us to be together and watch our favorite shows or talk about things we read or about our day.I also try to not ask my husband to put in too much help with the children when he gets home from work so that he knows I love him and doesn't become frustrated with home life.I've always found that the more sweet and sympathetic you are to your husband the more he notices when he's being a butt and feels bad for something he says or does.My husband said to me once that when we women show how much a guy has hurt us in sadness and kind words rather than anger it makes them feel bad for their actions rather than both getting mad and arguing.Hope I helped.
J.J. answers from Macon on March 28, 2008
Marriage is all about compromise. It is the only way you will survive. He gave you two not really wanting any. you need to be happy with the two and if you're relationship is already rocky then you need to focus on what you have now instead of adding another child.
C.T. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
When each of my children hit 3, I got a MAJOR case of the baby bug!!!! I think that at 3 they are not acting like babies, potty training, essentially getting to big a "big boy" or "big girl" that really puts the hormones into over drive. Now that my youngest is about to be 4, the feelings have passed. No matter how many children you have, not one of them will stay a baby forever, so that "need" for a baby will probably stay until you hit the "need a grandbaby" stage! Tough it out! You will make it!
D.H. answers from Atlanta on March 27, 2008
Time isn't running out for you. I'll be 40 this year and am pregnant with my 5th child. My husband will be 44 this summer. (I didn't start having children until age 29.) We both wanted children...that's something that we talked about before we were married. Granted I can't relate to your situation, but you both have to agree to want more children or else the marriage will get worse. I don't really know what else to say, but good luck and I hope you guys work it out.
Y.W. answers from Athens on March 28, 2008
Please,I say to all women, don't have more children than you can afford to take care of on your own. You said he admitted to not wanting any children, so consider yourself lucky to have the two you have. If you force the next one on him, he may leave your already 'rocky' relationship. Enjoy the two you have. Wishing you all the best!
S.W. answers from Atlanta on March 27, 2008
wow, that's really got to hurt hearing he never wanted kids when you already have two. My husband have gone back and forth about having a third, and have decided not to... but I still have those longings sometimes. I really think if he doesn't want another, you'll have to respect that. I can't imagine going through a pregnancy that my husband wasn't excited about with me. By the way... your are FAR (at least a decade!) from running out of time, so keep talking, working on your relationship and maybe things will change.
J.S. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
First of all, I hope you are able to get help with the rocky situation. That is not one that another baby needs to be brought into.
I,, too, would love another baby, and have 2 wonderful kids. My husband does not want any more either. I think everything is give and take. I think we are very lucky to have 2 - you and I. While I know the longing is tough, maybe it is the mindset that needs to change.
What about your other two and your husband? If he is a good husband and a good father to those kids, you may need to learn to love that he had kids more for you and is good to them anyway. It may be time for him to have a say.
This answer leans to the angle that he treats you and the kids with love, that is. Either way, this is not the man to have another baby with. Either it is bad for the baby, or disrespectful to him.
Further, since he wants no more, he needs to take care of that not happening, not you by the way.
my 2 cents - J
C.T. answers from Athens on March 28, 2008
Get rid of that husband. How dare he speak that way of your children? If you are 31, non-smoking, and in good health you still have several years left to have children with a new deserving and nice husband. Sure, married people are not always getting along, but the one thing my husband and I always agree on is how lucky we are we got the greatest children in the world. Your friends might have nicer cars, but when it comes to children every (good) parent knows their child is the coolest on the block; I am sorry your husband doesn't see things that way.I am very much against counseling that has to do with teaching couples to accept living together in misery. There is a huge difference between a husband arguing that he loves his children, but the global economy, gas prices what-have-you makes this a bad time to add another bundle of joy and then a j*** who does not even appreciate the children he has. Find the true love of your life. Good luck.
K.S. answers from Boston on March 28, 2008
I agree with some of the others on waiting because trust me taking care of a child on your own is hard so I couldn't imagine doing it with 3 alone if he leaves. Maybe you should focus on you. Try talking to a doctor about your wants and needs and feelings and even your relationship it could help to have a 3rd pair of eyes (not family or friends) to help you with any issues and maybe even work them out. I also suggest this book called the 5 Love languages (http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/)maybe it can help discover how to talk to him and get him to talk to you.
B.R. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
Not to be mean but get over it. You have two healthy and beautiful children and a man that loves you. If you never have another child, you'll be just fine.
B. answers from Augusta on March 27, 2008
ok sweetheart ,
when I start getting those want another baby blues, I have a 3 yr old and a 6 yr old. I start reminding myself that I like to sleep and I hate changing diapers. and that my daughter now 6 didn't sleep through the night once till she was 3 yrs old. She was a high needs baby. And then I remind myself that my baby prob isn't ready to not be the baby anymore. You are remembering all the cute baby toes, and the feel of one moving inside you, hubby is remembering sleepless nights, dirty diapers and no time with you. Babies are alot of work. And before you decide you need a new one in the house both need agree, and like the previous poster said, you are running out of time. I'm the oldest of 5 and there are 15 yrs between me and the youngest. he was born when my mom was 38.
There is still plenty of time, besides having 2 in school and a baby at home is much easier than having one in school and 2 at home and potty training and changing diapers at the same time.
A.M. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
I had my first child at 39 and second recently at 42. Both are healthy, beautiful and bright. So, don't worry about running out of time....you have time. I would work hard on your marriage to get it out of a rocky state. My husband and I were also VERY rocky when we unexpectedly got pregnant with our second. It motivated us to go to marriage counseling. We spent a bit of money and time and a lot of difficult arguments, but it was worth it. We still struggle, but I am 100% committed to our marriage and to my children growing up with both parents. I'm not sure we'll ever have an easy marriage, but we are going to make it work. (By the way, we refer to our son as our blessing, b/c his arrival is what motivated us to get help!) One last thought, if your marriage didn't last, would you rather be a single mom of two kids or three? Good luck, you're not alone.
L.O. answers from Charleston on March 28, 2008
For goodness sake, do not get pregnant. If he has already expressed that he really didn't want kids in the first place, you two have some serious issues to work through. It sounds like your relationship is moving in two different directions...not good in a marriage. If it is meant to be for you to have another child, it should at least be with someone who wants the child. How sad for a child to not really have been wanted by both its parents.
J.C. answers from Columbus on March 28, 2008
This actually happened to my relationship. My husband one day said to me that he never wanted to have kids after our daughter was 4 mos. old. This was a huge shock to me. It was actually a sign of frustration from him, because it turns out that he felt like he was not able to be himself in our relationship and there were things that he wasn't able to tell me. We spent three months talking back and forth via email about the subject (he was deployed). The email allowed us to share all of our feelings in a thoughtful and respectful manner, without feeling the embarrassment of talking about sensitive topics face to face. After lots of hard work and very honest talking, we are closer to each other than ever before. We also started seeing a counselor together once he got home.
So, perhaps his comments are a sign of some deeper issues that he is having with himself and your relationship. Maybe you can get to the bottom of it together.