March 31, 2008,
S.S. asks from Greenville, SC on March 27, 2008
Husband Who Doesn’t Want Another Baby…
I have two children 3 & 5. I have been thinking about having another baby. My husband doesn’t want anymore and recently admitted to not really wanting children to begin with. I am having a hard time dealing with this. I am 31 and feel like I am running out of time. I know deep down, it’s not a good idea because we do have a “rocky” relationship with little hopes of getting better. I am 100% sure he will NOT change his mind. What do I do about this longing for another baby?
C.T. answers from Sumter on March 27, 2008
I can relate to your situation to an extent. I knew up front that my husband didn't really want more children when we got married. He had a son from his 1st marriage. Initially I didn't care because I didn't really want kids either. After a while and watching them and seeing the bond they had together it made me long for that same type of bond. We discussed it and he agreed to having a child but he was never excited about it, he was always indifferent. My son is now 3yrs old and we have recently divorced. We both remarried and are pregnant. Not only is his new wife pregnant but she had 3 children from her previous marriage too. So much for him not wanting kids - now he has 6. LOL
I am 30 and I had the same exact "time is running out" feeling which is why I got pregnant so quickly after getting remarried. I am thrilled to be pregnant but I now know my timing is WAY off and wish we had more patience. My husband was very anxious to start a family and I have fertility problems so we actually started trying before we got married thinking it would take a long time - hence my "time" issue. The only reason I wish we waited is because we still live in two different states and I have to go through the pregnancy alone :(
I really think you are going to have to fight your craving for a while. If your relationship is rocky then it is best to get those kinks worked out first. Maybe once you get things resolved he will see things differently. If, for some reason, things don't work out you might just find that perfect man that wants the same things you do. You never know. If you have doubts about another child yourself because of your relationship then I'd hold off. You will know when it is right, you will feel it.
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C.G. answers from Atlanta on March 27, 2008
Listen, It sounds like you have a beautiful children. My husband felt the same way as your husband. I felt like you do. I'm now 44 with one son, I'm happy and blessed. He needs you to give him attention too. Most of the time that is what it is about. He is ready to have you back for himself. That is sweet of him not selfish. Good luck. Married 18 years.
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L.B. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
D.S. I would suggest that you thank God that you were blessed to have two children. Also, instill all that energy, desire to love another child into the ones that you have. It is not worth entertaining the thought of another child, as you probably already know, if you and your husband are not on the same page. The more you talk about that desire, you take the chance of him building resentment towards you inward. You have to remember, men, for the most part, are not emotional ceatures by nature. They keep all those emotions inside. And when there is dissatisfication, it brings about a change. Most cases then not, a negative change. Reinforce your love for your husband and let him know that his concerns are respected and heard, followed by actions. You would be amazed how that would change his behavior. Wishing you and your family the best. LJB
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J.B. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
I think it was rather callous of your husband to say he didn't want any to begin with since you have 2! That being said, relationships are full of compromise, and if you have 2 lovely children and he doesn't want anymore, then I would be happy with that. Plus, at 31, you're hardly "running out of time"! And perhaps the biggest part of the whole equation -if your relationship is already rocky, having a baby is going to make it 10 times worse ESPECIALLY if the baby is something he's told you flat out he doesn't want. I would see that as almost forcing a divorce. If your relationship sustains over the next few years, things may change -with either of you. You may decide you don't want any more children or he may decide a third would be ok. In the meantime, be happy with the two you have.
K.P. answers from Atlanta on March 27, 2008
How is his relationship with the children? If it is also rocky, along with your own relationship with him, maybe you can 'want' for another husband...though certainly not to take this idea lightly. (Counseling?) But either way, having another child with a husband who didn't want children to start with would only bring you and your children misery. I am 42 and a mother of 4, and I would say that making the most of giving your 2 children the best life and love and support they can have would take most of your lifetime alone...not to mention being able to meet your own needs as well. I truly see that each child requires a LOT to be in tune with who they are and what they need...and not just doing and giving them things to get through challenging moments, but really tuning in and providing constructive support. Doing that with 2 children alone, effectively, could really be fulfilling. I know that I have 4 children and it would seem that it's not fair for me to be able to say that. But I've been in your shoes and wanting more children, but now looking back, I have to honestly say, "what was my true motivation?" Was it more about me, or about what is best for the children that are already here?
p.s. I didn't have my first child until age 33 and had my last at 40, so don't pressure yourself; you have time. Not that you want to have children at 40, but what is more important is that the situation and support-solid relationship is there, moreso than pressuring yourself and an already fragile relationship to have another child when it may not be what you need right now. You would truly regret doing that to yourself and the children.
M.B. answers from Atlanta on March 28, 2008
I pray I am giving you the right answer. I am the mother of two children 19 and 5. As a young child, I dreamed of having five children but have since decided that I want to stay married more. My husband, too, does not want any more children. It is a hard pill to swallow but I don't want to trick him into another baby. I am in counseling now (for another reason) and my counselors says that men see children as an expense and how much the expense will cost them. Women see children as an opportunity to nurture and love another human being. For a long time, I was very angry at my husband for feeling this way and considered leaving him because of his views on not having more children. After counseling I understand that it is a great sign of financial responsiblity. I hope this answer was helpful to you.
R.C. answers from Atlanta on March 31, 2008
Get a divorce and marry someone who has the same life goals as you. How very sad that your husband says he didn't want children when you already have two.
C.H. answers from Augusta on March 28, 2008
Hi, I know how upset it makes you to hear that after 2 children he is now saying that he didn't want children in the first place but it really sounds like he meant it in a sense of saying that he didn't want children when you 2 first met but that he gave in on having children with you and isn't willing to budge a third time.That he feels like he was ok with altering his plans for you before but is now set in his decision and expects you to respect that.It doesn't sound like he regrets his children but that he is done having anymore.First I think you have to respect that he doesn't want anymore children,just like you he has that right to not want to take on that responsibility.And it is especially not a good time if you think your marriage is rocky,the stresses of a baby will on make that worse.He probably misses the alone time both of you use to get together AND alone.I think you should first work on your marriage and continue to create a home that is stable for the children you have.And even though he is saying he doesn't want anymore now, that doesn't mean that when both of you are in a better place that he may not think differently,but don't wait by for him to do so.Me and my husband always discussed having 2 children.We were hoping for a boy and a girl and we would have been content with stopping.But we instead had 2 beautiful boys so we have discussed having a third sometime in the future.I could prob go for another right now (we plan on having a girl implanted since the odds are against us for girls) but we both agree that the experience would prob be much more enjoyable if our children were a little bit older.They are only 21 months and 5 yrs.And with children that young is it quite hard making it through peacefull doctors appointments with children.And from a mans POV especially in my case since my husband is the sole provider it is extremely hard to fit in a new child with all the cost that come with them.So be a little understading of your husbands feelings and do something that helps you curve the urge to be around babies like volunteer at the hospital if possible.But at this point in your marriage you need to work on not losing what you have now rather than jumping on an urge and possibly causing more problems.Just put your energy into your children and even your husband who probably misses having your undivided attention.Me and my husband put our kids to bed early and he stays up later than he needs to just for us to be together and watch our favorite shows or talk about things we read or about our day.I also try to not ask my husband to put in too much help with the children when he gets home from work so that he knows I love him and doesn't become frustrated with home life.I've always found that the more sweet and sympathetic you are to your husband the more he notices when he's being a butt and feels bad for something he says or does.My husband said to me once that when we women show how much a guy has hurt us in sadness and kind words rather than anger it makes them feel bad for their actions rather than both getting mad and arguing.Hope I helped.