Husband Wants to Pay for MIL to Come on a Cruise with Us.

You are wise. Just because you could squeeze her in doesn't mean you should. Those rooms get smaller each day.

I have rented a 6BR, 3600 square foot house that sleeps 14. That does not mean 14 are going. We have 7 total going. When someone else hints or asks about that big house, I instantly squash any hopes of them coming. Vacations are about relaxing and I only get one per year. I guard it and will be even more assertive if necessary. I am not going to put up with drama and conflict.

I love my MIL, she's terrific, but I would never go for this arrangement. I cut my husband a lot of slack, but this is definitely a time when I would say NO.

Compromise and pay for half of her room costs. That way they both will be happy and you won't be thinking of ways to throw her overboard.

I would tell my husband that's fine but I'm booking my own stateroom and an itinerary filled with spa treatments, manicures, and shore excursions.

:)

Seriously, if he's already extended the invitation I would go along with it, but she *must* get her own cabin (maybe one or more of the kids would enjoy bunking with her a night or two?). If husband insists on paying for it he needs to pick up a side job for a bit to make the extra $$$.

JMO.

All right. First off, you're not "more than okay" with your MIL going on this cruise at all. You spent a significant portion of your post talking about how you can't spend long periods of time together and you had to "put a stop" to two-week-long visits.

Secondly, you sent out invitations to people on your side of the family and took care to include pricing quotes to make it clear that people were expected to pay their own way. You included your own parents in your invitations.

You thought things through that far and yet you seem shocked that when you left it up to your husband to invite whomever he wanted and to handle the invitations for his side of the family, he invited his mother AND RATHER THAN TELL YOU THAT HE PROBABLY LEFT OUT THAT SHE'D HAVE TO PAY HER OWN WAY WHEN HE INVITED HER AND BACKED HIMSELF INTO A CORNER his mother accepted the invitation thinking that you both invited her without mentioning cost. And without a mention of cost it's insinuated that you would be footing the cost, not her. Therefore, he now has to tell you that he WANTS to pay her way.

If he's anything like my husband I guarantee that's how it went down.

"Honey, I think we have a misunderstanding. The invitation to your mom wasn't supposed to include paying her way. If that's how you invited her and she already accepted, then we're going to have to rearrange our budget. She's also going to have to have her own (small) cabin for privacy sake."

Now, if he hasn't yet made the offer to her to pay her way, then it's not too late and she can still pay without ever knowing that your husband planned to pay.

If she's the one that suggested he pay aka "she room with you guys in your cabin" I would bet it's because she can't afford the trip and she just doesn't understand how cruises work. When you have a cruise, you have to make sure there are enough beds and you have to still pay per person so that there's enough food, sleep space, safety count, etc. You can't just add people to your heart's content to save costs. But if she asked and your husband already said yes, you're going to have to suck it up and your husband is going to have to owe you. Especially if you can manage to smile through it all.

She was invited by you and hubby. It's too late to back down now and say "OOP'S, I didn't think you'd come so that's why we invited you and told you we'd pay your way, now we want to say you can come but we aren't going to pay after all".

I think it is lovely that you all can invite your whole families to come along with you on a cruise. She's his mom, not some cousin or black sheep of the family. If it was not his mom I'd agree with you. But it's his mom. It's not like it will be thousands of dollars for her to come along.

I do however agree she should have her own room, she will not be looking forward to a week with you either. I'd make the offer something like this:

"Mom, how about you having a room right by us? We think you might like to have more privacy than being right there in the same room as us."

You are saying to her "Have some fun, enjoy the cruise, you don't have to be around me so much" and you are in fact saying "go away, I'm doing this as a favor to hubby and I hope I never see you for a single minute".

First of all, I'm sorry, but I would have NEVER invited her in the first place. And she'll be in your room??? Sounds like you're just setting yourself up for trouble!!! BIG Trouble!!! Then to PAY for it!!! No way!!

And to be on a cruise ship where there's no escape??? Well, there's one way I guess!! lol!!

But bottom line, since I guess she's going, I would definitely talk to your husband and strongly suggest she pay her own way. If he's not ok with that what about maybe paying half? I hope you're able to work this out and have a good time.

Good luck!!!!

You do need your privacy. My family and I are planning a Disney trip and I can't even bear the thought of sharing a room w/my own parents! We will have our own rooms. We all agree that by having out own rooms that is the only way that we will still like each other and have fun!

Best of luck!! Hold your foot down or you will be miserable.

wait - aren't we sisters?! I didn't get an invite from you?! What's up with that??! Did you forget our blood relation? Girl!!! :)

Rachel - usually when I extend an invitation for someone to join us? I believe I'm paying for your way - with the exception of tips, souvenirs and other stuff like that.

Jeff married a W. who is strong like his mom. That is probably why you two have a hard time together. Kinda like men with testosterone? Happens with mama's too. Jeff is her baby too, right?

Tell Jeff - look - these are upcoming expenses. I would like your mother to join us but we cannot pay for her this time. You can tell her when we are going and give her the run down on when it leaves, where it departs from, etc. but it will be HER responsibility to pay for her own way.

There is no way on God's green earth I would have my MIL, FIL, SIL, BIL in a room with me on a cruise. Not even with my kids. Nope, nope, nope. Greg and Nick can have their own room - adjoining mine of course - but everyone else? own room.

I don't think it's mean. It's your vacation too. What I would look at though is how much his mom did for him and does he want to do this type of thing often? I have some issue with my husband and paying for his family bc I'm the main breadwinner so it's my paycheck that would enable us to pay for them and his mother prides herself on the fact that they didn't pay for a thing for him once he turned 18. Meanwhile, my parents sacrificed etc their whole lives to pay for college, constantly trying to give to me, my mom worries about what my inheritance will be etc. So I feel financially they deserve more from me... I might get flack for that but why should we pay for his parents when they never paid for him and technically I'm the one paying for them? But if your husband's situation is different - his mom really did sacrifice all the time and put him first his whole life and now he wants to return the favor this one time - then maybe reconsider. I'd sit down with your husband and outline finances though to make sure he realizes what he's doing. And like most have said - get her own room...

Cruise ships are HUGE. Just let your hubby know that she needs her own room. I wouldn't argue too much about the money, because he seems to think that is what he needs to do....but if you and she don't get along, you need to have another room. Since you were planning on having more people and they couldn't make it, you should be able to apply some of the savings to that room.

BUT, on a semi-unrelated note, I think that you need to communicate with your husband and let him know that it's not acceptable to put his mother's wishes before his wife's.

And I also think that you need to work on your own ability to deal with undesirable people. I suggest reading the book "The Anatomy of Peace" by the Arbinger Institute. It will help YOU to deal with these situations without having to change or affect anyone else.

I would be very frustrated with my hubby if he made such an offer without discussing it with me first. I get along well with my MIL but no way would I want to share a room with her on a cruise. Isn't half the point of a cruise to get some alone time with your husband? And its also not ok for him to offer to pay for her without discussing that with you as well. As someone else said, you didn't offer to pay for your family to go so its not really fair to offer to pay for her. I would be happy if my MIL wanted to go on a trip with us, but she needs her own space and to pay her own way.

I would let *your husband* pay for her (he'll have to come up with the way to refund the family later) BUT she'll have to have her own room. It seems like an offer he can't refuse AND you'll keep the peace in the family. After all, she won't be around for ever...

I think you should present it to your husband AND mother-in-law as, "my family can't come because they can't afford it, it would hurt their feelings if we paid your way and not theirs." If your husband is still adamant, maybe you could compromise that one pays for the plane ticket & the other pays for the cruise. I also agree with you that you'll all be happier if you have your own space.

I would agree that she can share the room with you IF she pays for herself.

If she can't pay for herself, she shouldn't expect YOU to be able to!

With everything else you've been busy with recently, your husband shouldn't even be arguing the price of beans with you right now (what is he thinking?!)... so while his mother is very clearly welcome, it's just not reasonable or realistic to even entertain the thought of paying for another person's trip!

Why not, since your family can't make it, try to see if he'd enjoy it if it was JUST your immediate family (you, husband, kids)... and no extras?

I would let my husband know that she is more than welcome to come but that we are NOT going to pay for her to come. If that wasn't offered to your family why should be offered to his? If she can't afford it then I guess she doesn't go.

If by invite family you meant ask them to come but not offer to pay for them, why would he want to pay for his mom?

I would tell hubby that while you would love to have any/all family to come, you didn't offer to pay for any family except your own household. Also tell him that while you are glad his mom wants to come, you really think you all need your privacy.

I'd be OK paying but for sure, her own cabin. :)

Totally not mean. Does she seriously need to be in your room with you? I'm guessing it's cheaper that way?

She should, of course, be welcome to come since you invited her, but she really should get her own room. All that time in close quarters with someone you don't really get along with is only going to be detrimental to everyone involved, and no one is going to really enjoy the cruise. Not to mention the lack of privacy for "adult" time (maybe you can use that as the compelling argument for MIL to get her own room!).

You mentioned that this will be right after Christmas, can you pay a portion (maybe even half?) of her cost as her Christmas present?

So you are a saint! ha ha I would NEVER want my MIL to come along on another trip w/ us at this stage of our relationship. She had come along w/ us one trip to KY but we asked her to come so we paid for her flight and she stayed in the same room as us but thankfully it was a suite so it was a rather large area, THANKFULLY!!! I don't think you should have to bend over backwards and go out of your way for her at all. I also think privacy and space are huge so definitely don't stick her in the same room as you and your family!!! Best of luck!

WARNING..you have married a mammas boy !! nothing, but nothing you will ever do will be up to her standards.. or your husbands expectations !
what to do ? you have already had more patience with this woman then any saint could stand. your mil wants to come on a cruise with you, and your husband has already told her she was welcome to come(without asking you)and THEY expect you to help pay for her ticket, share your room AND entertain her TOO ?? tell them to have a great cruise TOGETHER, just the two of them! i guarantee you that he will try to back out of going without you( if for no other reason then he wont have to entertain his mother by himself), make other plans and tell his mother to enjoy herself.. without you along !!she will be overjoyed to have her son all to herself FOR THE ENTIRE CRUISE, and your mammas boy of a husband will seethe the entire time, and it will be his own fault because he didnt bother to ask you if you minded her coming along first.
K. h.

I would tell my DH the same. Mom can come but remember these bills? We don't have the funds. I would also plan some time to do things on your own. When we cruised, we told the kids to be back for dinner (for example) and let them roam within reason. You can roam away from MIL, too. I would not want to share room with MIL. I'd want some...privacy. I think sometimes it's form vs function. He sees problem. He fix. He doesn't think through the ramifications of that solution. Point them out.

"I don't have the extra money"? You paying for the trip or is it joint husband, wife funds?

There's a red flag. I agree about her own room or bunking with the kids, but if your husband has offered in advance to pay for HIS mother's passage and she accepted the invitation, I think you're honor bound to do so....UNLESS because of your recent, potentially large bills, you must cancel all together.

Honestly the RECENT...POTENTIALLY large bill excuse, sounds pretty shady. Unless you and your husband come to terms, sounds like your trip could be spoiled whether mom comes or not.

We started saving extra early with the expectation that we would be paying for my mom to come along with us. But that was JEREMY'S idea (and obviously my mom is his mil)....the big difference? She will have her OWN room (can't be very romantic with mom in the room, that's crazy to even imagine). She is poor and can't afford something so cool, so our idea was to have a fun family vacation, but also make sure she's able to have fun she wouldn't normally be able to experience, and to take advantage of the spa: get a massage, and her first ever pedicure.
We shopped excursions to find ones that she would enjoy (a butterfly rain forest, famous gardens, a bus/shopping tour for what I imagine will be other grandmas) but also have some adventure opportunities we picked out that we wouldn't be able to do without her there to babysit the boys. We want to swim with dolphins and either parasail or go snorkeling. So we're going to enjoy family time, we're going to let her have some special time just for her, but then she will also watch the children while we have 2 activities alone. AND one night where we have dinner alone and the children sleep in her room. (They, specifically my oldest, are welcome to go to her room anytime she invites them, but we have requested that she keep them 1 "date night"). We would be very happy to pay for her knowing we have a loved and trusted babysitter for our children, plus the fun of having a family affair with grandma too.
So I think it COULD be fun, and beneficial, to have your mil come along on the cruise. Ask your husband and see if that's what he was thinking when he offered to pay. But there should definitely be some privacy time too. If money is REALLY not an option, then just show him the numbers on paper. If it's an option but a tight squeeze, perhaps cutting some expenses now to save up, compromising on some things after the trip, would help make it enjoyable for all. Whatever y'all do, have fun!

I think its great that you are willing to let her go with even though you don't see eye to eye.

But I would make her get her own room. To me that would be a given. You weren't going to have any of your family members share a room with you were you? Im guessing the answer is no... it should be that way with her also.

She is going to want some privacy during that week and Im sure you and your husband will want some private time also... expectally at night. She needs to pay for it also, unless you and your husband had agreed to pay for your family in the begining, if not then yes she is to pay for it herself.

Honestly, my husband and I would never have to have this conversation because NEITHER of us would want our mothers on any kind of vacation with us! Lol!!! If I were you, I would just tell him no. Tell him you can't afford to pay her way and no way do you want to share your room with her. Just say you initially thought it would be fun if other family members went to, but since no one else is going, now you think it would be nice to just be you, hubby and the kids and leave it at that. Hopefully he will see the benefit of that. If not, remind him that if mama ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!!! Good luck!

No way in hell would I agree to this arrangement. My MIL and I do not always see eye to eye either. You NEED relaxation and privacy. I do not see how you would get that with this situation. Cruises are expensive. No way would I pay that much money for one knowing that you are going to be miserable. My MIL often talks about us all going on a Disney cruise and I just cannot see it. I too am the breadwinner and it would cost us several thousand dollars to go for us to go. I cannot see spending my hard earned money on this knowing that there is likely to be a blow up with the MIL during the trip. I have told my husband "NO" on that idea...

Hi, Mom:
What in the world happened to have others come
along on a cruise with you and your family?

When you and your husband were making the decision
to invite people on the cruise, was the topic of
money to pay for the other folks ticket and the
sleeping arrangements of the others invited discussed?

If not, then the rules of the cruise will have to be negotiated.
You can word your concerns in a way that expresses how
you feel.

Use the "I messages"

I feel...............(State the feelings generated)
When I....................(identify the offending behavior)
because....................(Say why you feel that way)
I need........................(Say what it is you need)

Good luck.
Hope all works out like you need.
D.

I'm confused about whether she will actually be in *your* room or not. Or did you reserve a block of rooms or something and she would have one of those? When you say "The one last spot in our rooms" it's confusing. So there is one last spot.....would you be OK if someone OTHER than her was in it? If so, that's sad.....

I'm with Gamma G, she's his mom, not some cousin or friend. It is nice that he wants to pay for her, i would say it's even nice that he puts her on a pedastol somewhat.....don't you hope YOUR son will treat you the same one day?

If your husband already offered to pay for her, he can't back out of that now....that would be super tacky and hurtful. He will simply have to find a way to pay for it. If it's not in your family budget, I guess that will mean him working a second job for a month, or whatever. But I wouldn't step in after the fact and make him go back on his offer to his mother.

I mean really, I have a 2 year old son who I love beyond life itself and some of the posts on here from women complaining their MIL's make me depressed. "She used to visit us for two weeks at a time, I put a stop to that." Wow....is that what I have to look forward to when my son gets married.....great.....

I really think moms of daughters have an easier time of staying closer after they get married....because husbands tend to be so much more laid back about in laws, than wives. I wonder if YOUR mom would be welcome to stay for 2 weeks....(probably) and if your husband would "put a stop to it" if he didn't like it....probably not....he would probably just deal with it b/c he knows it's important to you. Meanwhile, so many wives seem to have a "no tolerance policy" toward their husband's moms.

I see you have a son too so it's just something to think about.

ADDED: I see your "So what happened."....saying she "runs your husband ragged" and is "attached at the hip" when she sees him....well that's probably b/c she doesn't see him too often (it sounds like she's not local)....for goodness sake, I'm sure she loves her son, misses him, and wants to spend time with him! I have a girlfriend who complains about the same thing....they only see her husband's mom once a year if that and then she complains that "She wants to go with us every where we go" during the trip....ummmm yeah.....she wants to spend time with her son....HAVE A HEART LADIES!